The Princess Bride

MIRACLE MAX

(opening the window)

Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad.

FEZZIK

I'm on the Brute Squad.

MIRACLE MAX

(looking at the Giant)

You are the Brute Squad.

INIGO

We need a miracle. It's very important.

MIRACLE MAX

Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.

INIGO

He's already dead.

MIRACLE MAX

(for the first time, interested)

He is, eh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.

He unlocks the door and lets them in.

CUT TO:

INIGO AND FEZZIK

Hurrying inside. Fezzik carries Westley who is just starting to stiffen up a little. He lays Westley down across a bench by the fireplace, picks Westley's arm up and lets it drop limp.

MIRACLE MAX

I've seen worse.

He studies Westley a moment, checking here, checking there.

INIGO

Sir. Sir.

MIRACLE MAX

Hah?

INIGO

We're really in a terrible rush.

MIRACLE MAX

(he takes nothing from nobody)

Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?

INIGO

Sixty-five.

MIRACLE MAX

Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause.

INIGO

This is noble, sir.

(pointing to Westley)

His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.

MIRACLE MAX

Are you a rotten liar.

INIGO

I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.

MIRACLE MAX

Your first story was better.

(looking around)

Where's that bellows?

(spots it)

He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.

He goes to get a huge bellows.

INIGO

(stupefied)

He's dead. He can't talk.

MIRACLE MAX

Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth.

Inigo does. Max inserts the bellows in Westley's mouth and starts to pump.

MIRACLE MAX

Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.

INIGO

What's that?

He stops pumping.

MIRACLE MAX

Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

He starts pumping again.

MIRACLE MAX

(to Westley)

Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?

And he presses lightly on Westley's chest.

WESTLEY

... tr... oooo.... luv...

Everybody stares at Westley lying there on the bench.

INIGO

True love. You heard him. You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.

MIRACLE MAX

Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated –

A WOMAN'S VOICE

Liar – LIAR – LI-A-A-AR –

VALERIE, an ancient fury, storms out of a back room and toward

MIRACLE MAX

Get back, witch –

VALERIE

I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.

MIRACLE MAX

You never had it so good.

VALERIE

"True love." He said, "true love," Max. My God –

MIRACLE MAX

(retreating)

Don't say another word, Valerie.

VALERIE

(turning to Inigo and Fezzik)

He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered.

MIRACLE MAX

Why'd you say that name – you promised me that you would never say that name –

VALERIE

(pursuing him now)

What, Humperdinck? Humperdinck. Humperdinck. Ooo-ooo, Humperdinck –

MIRACLE MAX

(holding his hands over his ears)

I'm not listening.

VALERIE

A life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help –

MIRACLE MAX

Nobody's hearing nothing!

VALERIE

Humperdinck. Humperdinck! Humperdinck!

INIGO

But this is Buttercup's true love – If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding.

VALERIE

Humperdinck. Humperdinck –

MIRACLE MAX

(to Valerie)

Shut up –

(now to Inigo)

Wait. Wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?

INIGO

Humiliations galore!

MIRACLE MAX

That is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job.

And as Valerie shrieks excitedly we...

CUT TO:

THIS LUMP

It is somewhat smaller than a tennis ball.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL MAX AND VALERIE

Exhausted, looking at the lump with beautific pleasure, as Valerie, cooking utensil in hand, covers the thing with what looks like chocolate. Inigo and Fezzik stare at the thing too, but more dubiously.

INIGO

(a little appalled)

That's a miracle pill?

(Max nods)

VALERIE

(finishing)

The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what?

MIRACLE MAX

An hour.

VALERIE

Yeah, an hour.

MIRACLE MAX

A good hour. Yeah.

Inigo accepts the pill as Fezzik takes Westley, who is stiff as a board now.

INIGO

(heading out the door, Fezzik close behind)

Thank you for everything.

MIRACLE MAX

Okay.

VALERIE

(waving after them)

Bye-bye, boys.

MIRACLE MAX

Have fun storming the castle.

VALERIE

(to Max)

Think it'll work?

MIRACLE MAX

It would take a miracle. Bye!

VALERIE

Bye.

And as they wave, trying to look happy we –
 

CUT TO:

FEZZIK, INIGO, AND WESTLEY

On the top of the outer wall of the castle. They look down to the front gate of the castle. The sixty Brutes are visible.

Fezzik is thunderstruck by how many Brutes there are. Upset, he turns to Inigo, who is concentrating unsuccessfully, trying to prop Westley against the wall.

FEZZIK

Inigo – there's more than thirty –

INIGO

(absolutely unfazed)

What's the difference?

(indicating the half-dead Westley)

We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force feed him.

FEZZIK

Has it been fifteen minutes?

INIGO

We can't wait – the wedding's in half an hour and we must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand.

During this, Fezzik, using all his strength, has managed to get Westley into a right angled sitting position, while Inigo brings out the miracle pill.

INIGO

Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.

FEZZIK

(following orders)

How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?

CUT TO:

INIGO

Pill in hand, he drops it into Westley's mouth.

INIGO

Your guess is as good as mine –

WESTLEY

I'll beat you both apart. I'll take you both together.

FEZZIK

Guess not very long.

Inigo and Fezzik react. Westley is the only one not amazed.

WESTLEY

Why won't my arms move?

He sits there, immobile, like a ventriloquist's dummy.

FEZZIK

You've been mostly dead all day.

INIGO

We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.

WESTLEY

Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? – Where's Buttercup?

INIGO

Let me explain –

(pauses very briefly)

No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is marrying Humperdinck in a little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our escape after I kill Count Rugen.

WESTLEY

That doesn't leave much time for dilly dallying.

He is watching his fingers, one of which twitches now.

FEZZIK

You've just wiggled your finger. That's wonderful.

WESTLEY

I've always been a quick healer.

(to Inigo)

What are our liabilities?

INIGO

There is but one working castle gate.

Fezzik helps Inigo raise Westley just high enough so he can see for himself.

INIGO

And it is guarded by sixty men.

WESTLEY

And our assets?

INIGO

Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.

CUT TO:

WESTLEY

Absolutely stunned.

WESTLEY

That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this...

He shakes his head from side to side.

CUT TO:

INIGO AND FEZZIK

FEZZIK

(trying to be cheery)

You just shook your head – that doesn't make you happy?

WESTLEY

My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.

INIGO

Where did we put that wheelbarrow the Albino had?

FEZZIK

Over the Albino, I think.

WESTLEY

Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.