The Princess Bride

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WESTLEY

Instantly forcing Buttercup to sit, gathering her flaming hem in his hands, doing his best to suffocate the fire. This isn't all that easy and it causes him a bit of grief, but he does his best to sound as jaunty as before.

WESTLEY

Well now, that was an adventure.

He examines where the flames burst over her.

WESTLEY

Singed a bit, were you?

BUTTERCUP

(she wasn't and she shakes her head "no")

You?

He was, and he shakes his head "no." As he pulls her to her feet –
 

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THE SWAMP FLOOR

And as there's another popping sound...

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WESTLEY GRABBING BUTTERCUP

Pulling her aside to safety as another great spun of flame suddenly shoots up.

WESTLEY

Well, one thing I will say. The Fire Swamp certainly does keep you on your toes.

Buttercup is frozen with fear. He takes her hand, gently leads her forward as we...

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THE TWO OF THEM

Moving slowly along through a particularly dangerous part of the Fire Swamp.

It's later now, the sun slants down at a slightly different angle.

WESTLEY

(happily)

This will all soon be but a happy memory because Roberts' ship "Revenge" is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts.

BUTTERCUP

But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?

WESTLEY

I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks.

There is again a popping sound, then a huge spurt of flame. Westley simply picks up Buttercup as they walk along, moves her out of danger, puts her back down, goes right on talking without missing a beat.

WESTLEY

You see, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty.

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SOME HIDEOUS VINES

They look like they could be flesh eating. Westley takes his sword, slices a path for them to follow. The vines groan as they fall. He's been chatting away the entire time.

WESTLEY

Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right, Westley, I've never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.

BUTTERCUP

What? – go on.

Westley picks her up, carrying her across some swamp water that is bridged by a narrow, rickety tree branch.

WESTLEY

Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret. "I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts," he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts, either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley.

The two of them have by now crossed the pond.

WESTLEY

So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for awhile as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except, now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?

Buttercup, perplexed, is about to reply but the ground she steps on gives way – it's Lightning Sand – a great patch of it, and it has her – a cloud of powder rises and she sinks into the stuff crying Westley's name but then she is gone as we –

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WESTLEY WHIRLING

Slashing at a U-shaped vine, hacks it in half – it's still connected to the tree. Then be grabs it, drops his sword, and, clutching the other end of the vine, he dives into the lightning sand and there is another cloud of white powder, but it settles quickly.

Now nothing can be seen. Nothing at all. Just the lightning sand, lovely and lethal.

 
HOLD ON THE LIGHTNING SAND – THEN:
 

An odd panting sound is heard now. The panting sound is suddenly very loud. And then a giant R.O.U.S. darts into view. The R.O.U.S. – a Rodent of Unusual Size – is probably no more than eighty pounds of bone and power. It sniffs around a bit then, as quickly as it has come, it goes.

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THE LIGHTNING SAND

As Westley, lungs long past the bursting point, explodes out; he has Buttercup across his shoulders and as he pulls to the edge of the lightning sand pit, using the vine –

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CLOSEUP – BUTTERCUP

Her face is caked with the white powder. It is in her eyes, her ears, hair, mouth. She's still probably beautiful, but you have to look awfully hard to see it. As Westley continues to pull them to safety –

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THE R.O.U.S.

High above them; it watches –
 

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BUTTERCUP

Placed against a tree. Westley is cleaning the lightning sand from her face.
 

He hesitates, glances around and...

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THE R.O.U.S.

On a much lower branch now. It stares down at Westley.

Westley stares back up at the beast. Buttercup is oblivious. Her eyes flutter. He continues to work on her as –

BUTTERCUP
We'll never succeed – we may as well die here.

WESTLEY

No. No. We have already succeeded.

(he glances back again)

Now THERE ARE TWO R.O.U.S.'s. The have climbed into a nearby tree, stare hungrily down.

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WESTLEY

Picking her up.

He puts an arm around her, starts to walk with her as he encouragingly goes on talking.

WESTLEY
I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurts. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the Lightning Sand. But you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.

BUTTERCUP

Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?

WESTLEY

Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist...

And as he says that, a R.O.U.S. comes flying at him from off-screen.

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BUTTERCUP

Screaming and –

Westley, pinned under the attacking R.O.U.S., trying to fend it off. Can't. The thing's teeth sink deep into his arm. He howls.

Westley drives a fist into the beast's face, rolling it off. He reaches for his sword just a few feet away, but the R.O.U.S. is back atop him. It's a fierce battle, and just when we think Westley can't possibly win, he flips the ugly rodent clear.

Westley scrambles for his sword. The R.O.U.S. stampedes on, changing its target, heading right for –

Buttercup, and she's scared to death and –

BUTTERCUP
Westley!

Westley abandons his sword, reaching for the rodent, grabbing only a tail, wrestling with it. Buttercup grabs a small branch, and using it as a club, beats the skull of the thing, doing pretty well, but the beast manages to snag her hem with its razor teeth, and she's pulled to the ground, and

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WESTLEY

Jumping onto its back, and the R.O.U.S. is all over him now, sinking needle teeth into Westley's shoulder.

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WESTLEY

With death close at hand, as a popping sound starts. He tries one desperate move, rolls into the sound –
 

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A FLAME SPURT

Shooting skyward and –
 

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WESTLEY

With the R.O.U.S. pinned under him, and as the beast bursts into flame, it lets go and Westley rolls safely free, grabs his sword and exhaustedly stabs the R.O.U.S., which is trying to put itself out.

The R.O.U.S. collapses dead. Westley stands motionless, exhausted. The danger has passed.

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BUTTERCUP

Relieved.

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THE FAR EDGE OF THE FIRE SWAMP

Beyond, a beach.

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BUTTERCUP AND WESTLEY

BUTTERCUP

(almost in disbelief)

We did it.

WESTLEY

Now, was that so terrible?

And from somewhere they summon strength, pick up their pace, and as they reach the edge of the Fire Swamp.

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Something we hadn't expected:

Humperdinck on his horse, Rugen beside him. THREE WARRIORS, armed and ready, are mounted in formation behind. Buttercup and Westley are at the edge of the Fire Swamp, about to leave it. They stop. Buttercup looks beyond exhaustion. Westley looks worse.

HUMPERDINCK

Surrender!

It's dusk. Behind Humperdinck are the waters of the bay.

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WESTLEY AND BUTTERCUP

Staring out at the others.

WESTLEY

You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.

HUMPERDINCK

I give you full marks for bravery – don't make yourself a fool.

WESTLEY

Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time. So, whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit.

HUMPERDINCK

I tell you once again – surrender!

WESTLEY

It will not happen!

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BUTTERCUP

Looking from one to the other; then something else catches her eye and we –
 

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AN ARMED WARRIOR

In shadow, with a loaded crossbow aimed at Westley's heart.

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BUTTERCUP

Looking the other way –
 

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ANOTHER WARRIOR

Crossbow aimed at Westley.

HUMPERDINCK

(roaring)

For the last time – SURRENDER!

WESTLEY

(roaring right back, bigger)

DEATH FIRST!!

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BUTTERCUP

Frantically staring around, and now...
 

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A THIRD WARRIOR

Crossbow stretched, ready to shoot; this one is hidden in a tree blocking any escape Westley might try.

BUTTERCUP

Will you promise not to hurt him?

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HUMPERDINCK

Whirling to face her.

HUMPERDINCK

What was that?

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