Pump Up The Volume

Pump Up The Volume   
Happy Harry Hardon - Did you ever get the feeling that everything in America is completely fucked up. You know that feeling that the whole country is like one inch away from saying 'That's it, forget it.' You think about it. Everything is polluted. The environment, the government, the schools you name it. Speaking of schools. I was walking the households the other day and I asked myself. Is there live after high school? Because I can't face tomorrow, let alone a whole year of this shit. Yeah, you got it folks. It's me again with a little attitude for all you out here and waiting for Atlanta. All you nice people living in the middle of America the beautiful. Lets see, we're on er 92 FM tonight and it feels like a nice clean little band so far. No one else is using it. The price is right. Heh, heh. And yes folks you guest it. Tonight I am as horny as a ten peckerd house, so stay tuned because this is Happy Harry Hardon reminding you to eat your cereal with a fork and do your homework in the dark..
Murdock - Mr. Travis, Louis Travis. It's just for a second.
Mr Woodward - So, I'll pick you up after your yearbook.
Paige Woodward - Okay, dad.
Mr Woodward - And no big dates tonight, you have to be well rested for your History exam
tomorrow.
Paige - Okay.
Mazz - Yo Paige, anytime anywhere beautiful. Mr. Paige.
Nora Diniro - Oh, Miss Paige Woodward arriving.
Janie - So rich, so smart.
Nora - So perfect.
Murdock - Cheryl, good to see you. You're going to see the principal this morning.
Cheryl - Can you tell me what this is about.
Murdock - We'll see. Excuse Misses Creswood.
Luis Chavez - Yes.
Nora  - Check this out.
Janie - What is it?
Nora -  It's this guy. He's got a pirate radio station. Hiss name is Happy Harry Hardon. He's a total sex maniac.
Janie - Off course.
Nora - He comes on every night at ten o'clock.
Happy Harry Hardon - Okay, down to business. I got my wild cherry diet Pepsi and I got my Black Jack gum here and I got that feeling, mmm that familiar feeling that something rank is going down up there. Yeah, I can smell it. I can almost taste it. The rankness in the air. It's everywhere. It's running through that old pipeline out there, trickling along the dumb concrete river and coming up the drains of those lovely tracktones we all live in. I mean I don't know. Everywhere I look it seems everything is sold out.
Annie - They say this is where the reception is the coolest.
Johnathan - Then he'll probably live right around here.
Mazz - Fucking Yuppies.
Happy Harry Hardon - My dad sold out. And my mom sold out years ago when she had me. And then they sold me out when they brought me to this hole in the world. They made me everything I am today so naturally I hate the bastards. Speaking of which, I am running a contest on the best way to put them out of their misery. Tonight we have number twelve of one hundred things to do with your body when you're all alone. Now are you ready of the incredible sound of Happy Harry Hardon coming on his own face. Oh, my god, it's very possible you know. Oh, oh this is a champion one. I'm going for it. He's still growing. This... Yes, Happy Harry Hardon will go to any language to keep his three listeners glued with Huwy Bluwy to their radios. But the question is. How far will you go? How far can you go to amaze and discuss the sensational Happy Harry Hardon. I mean. How serious are you? I ask you that. dear listener.
Mr Woodward - Hi beautiful. You know I can't figure out how you manage to get such great
grades and you listen to that radio all night. You know. Tomorrow don't forget Yale interview. And I don't want you to look too sleepy. You know. Goodnight Sweetheart.
Happy Harry Hardon - I'm getting a lot of letters here guys. Here. Dear Happy Harry Hardon, my boyfriend won't talk to me anymore. How do I show him that I really love him? Look, I don't know anything about these letters asking for love advice. I mean, if I knew anything about love I would be out there making it instead of talking to you guys. So just send me stuff to box 20710, USA Mail Paradise Hill Mess Arizona 84012. Replies guarantied. Dear Harry, I think your boring and upknocktius and have a high opinion of yourself. Course I'm you I'll probably thinking I sent this to myself. I think school is okay. if you just look at it right. I like your music, but I really don't see why you can't be cheerful for one second. I tell you since you ask. I just arrived in this stupid suburb. I have no friends, no money, no car, no licence. And even if I did have a licence all I can do is drive out to some stupid mall. Maybe if I'm lucky play some fucking video games, smoke a joint and get stupid. You see, there's nothing to do anymore. Everything decents been done. All the great themes have been used up. Turned into theme parks. So I don't really find it cheerful to be living in totally exhausted decade where there is nothing to look forward to and no one to look up to. That was deep. Oh no, not again. The creature stirs. Oh God, I think it is going to be a gusher. This is the sixth time in an hour. Oh god...
Annie - He sounds like he chronically masturbated.
Johnathan - He prides himself on it.
Happy Harry Hardon - You see, I take care of it. Oh, or else I'm going to explode. I just... Excuse me while I... While I... While I... Oh yeah... Oh yeah... Oh yeah, this is the big one. I'm gonna explode... Oh, take cover Arizona here I come.
Mazz - Any time now, man.
Happy Harry Hardon - Oh God... Oh God... This is the best. Oh God yeah... Free at last, I'm beat. I'm whipped. It's quitting time. Gotta recuperate.
Mazz - There he goes. Some time he's on for five minutes, some time he's on for five hours. That's my man.
Marla Hunter - God, I feel so out of touch here.
Brian Hunter - We didn't move out here to stay in touch.
Marla Hunter - And why did we move out here?
Brian Hunter - Oh, because it's a nice place to live. I'm making good money and I'm the
youngest school commissioner in the History of Arizona.
Marla Hunter - Brian, you know what. The man I married loved his work. Not power and
money.
Brian Hunter - That's all right I still love my work. And I love power and money.
Marla Hunter - Young radical Brain, you were always fighting against the system. And now you are...
Brian Hunter - I am the system, yeah. Is that a beer?
Mark Hunter (Happy Harry Hardon) - Sure!
Marla Hunter - Have you notice his behaviour lately?
Brian Hunter - What about him?
Marla Hunter - He's just so unhappy here.
Brian Hunter - I'll go talk to him.
<Brian's Study>
Brian Hunter - Hi, what's up?
Mark - I was just looking for some stamps.
Brian Hunter - Oh fine, I got some right here. Sending a letter to one of your friends back east?
Mark - No, I thought I might send away for an inflatable date.
Brian Hunter - You know, one of these days you're going to have to watch yourself young man.
Mark - I love it when you call me young man.
Brian Hunter - You know when I was your age I was in all the teams and a bunch of clubs. Look all I'm saying is that school must have some really terrific programs, it's very highly rated.
Mark - Just save it for the masses.
Brian Hunter - Mark, they've got twelve hundred students down there. Surely some of them
have gotta be cool.
Mark - Look the deal is I get decent grades and you guys leave me alone.
<Back at Hupert Humphrey>
Janie - Okay so who is this guy?
Nora - I don't know, nobody knows who he is, but he really hates this school so I guess he goes here.
Janie - But all the guys that go here are geeks.
Nora - Maybe not my dear! Later
Janie - Later?
<English Class>
Jan Emerson - And so then the logi cars questioned the few remaining death spurs more and more they began to fade away until there was nothing left of them and they disappeared from the face of the earth.......... Hmm, pretty good hey? Leading with your heart, not your mind. I wondered if you would tell us what you were thinking when you wrote this?
Mark - I just wrote it late last night.
Jan - That's obvious it's practically a night book. Mark, I was hoping you'd share your feelings about it. <Bell rings> Saved by the bell. Don't think If I didn't read your composition it won't be read. Mark! We're looking for new writers for The Clarion. Don't be embarrassed of your talent.
<Murdock's woodwork class. A Happy Harry Hardon Tape blasting out of a stereo>
Class - Morning Mr. Murdock
Murdock - I'm not stupid you know.
<Staff room>
Creswood - This school is judged on one category only: Academic scores. The lesson of modern education is that nothing comes easily, no pain, no gain.
Murdock <enters> - Excuse me everyone do you want to listen to this, it's the third this week. It's unbelievable.
<Murdock plays a tape with Happy Harry Hardon simulating masturbation>
Jan - <laughs>
Creswood - Jan! This is no laughing matter.
<School Library>
Nora - Hi!
Mark - Hi
Nora - You're in my writing class right.
Mark - Right.
Nora - Yeah I like Emerson (Jan) she's pretty funky. <Nora look at the date on Marks book> Now you're in trouble!.... You owe me twenty five cents...... "How To Talk Dirty And Influence People" by Lenny Bruce. Who's he?... Any good?
Mark - He's alright.
Nora - Talk a lot.
Mark - Not to much no.
<Mark leaves and Nora looks down at checklist of possible Hard Harrys'>
Nora - Cute, but no way!
<A ten o'clock show> 
Happy Harry Hardon - Guess who? It's ten o'clock do you care where your parents are? After all it's a jungle out there. <Everybody Knows plays> I don't know. Everywhere I look it seems that someone's getting butt surfed by the system. Parents are always talking about the system, and the sixties and how cool it was. Well look at where the sixties got them hey! Come on people now smile on your brother everybody together try and love one another right now!!! Now that was the sixties, this is a song from the nineties from my buddies the Descendants. <The Descendants play> I hate the sixties, I hate school, I hate principals, I hate vice principles!! But my true pure refined hatred is reserved for guidance councillors. Happy Harry just happens to have in his very hands a copy of a memo written by Mr. David Deaver, guidance councillor extrordinaire to one Miss Loretta Creswood, high school principle. "I found Cheryl un-remorseful about her current condition" Bastard can't even say she's knocked up. "And she's unwilling to minimise it's affect on the morals of the student population." Guidance councillors!!!!! If they knew anything about career moves would they have ended up as guidance councillors? What do you say we call Deaver up hey? Happy Harry Hardon just happens to have the home phone numbers of every employee up at Paradise Hills. Here we go, there you are Mr. Deesky <Happy Harry Hardon rings up Mr Deaver>.
Deaver - Deaver residence, David Deaver speaking.
Happy Harry Hardon - Hey this is WKPS, we're doing a piece on high schools. We understand that your a guidance councillor.
Deaver - I'm head of guidance at Hubert Humphrey High in Paradise Hills Arizona. I've been there seven years.
Happy Harry Hardon - Can you tell me a bit about what you do.
Deaver - I run a comprehensive American values program, erm in which we discuss ethical situations, sex education and drug abuse.
Happy Harry Hardon - What do you say to young people who look around at the world and see it's become, like you know, a sleazy country, a place you just can't trust. Like your school for example. Why is it, it wins all of these awards and students are dropping out like flies, why..why is that. Now my listeners are interested in the decision to expel Cheryl Bates.
Deaver - I, erm, I'm not aware of anything like that, I don't know what you're talking about.
Happy Harry Hardon - That is not true sir. "Cheryl refuses to accept suggestions of a more positive mental attitude towards her health and her future. I'm afraid I find no alternative, but to suggest suspension."
Deaver - Who is this? How did you get this number?
Happy Harry Hardon - Are you going to admit it sir.
Deaver - Admit what?
Happy Harry Hardon - That you're slime!
Deaver - Now just wait a minute.
Happy Harry Hardon - You interview a student and then you rat on her, you betray her trust, isn't that right Sir!<Deaver hangs up> Well as you can see, these guys are played out. Society is mutating so rapidly that anyone over the age of twenty has really no idea.... Err alright, back down to business. "I share a room with my older brother and nearly every night after he turns off his light he come over to my bed and gives me a few arm nookies and stuff and then makes me scratch his back and other refinements" It's about time we had some refinements on this show. "Then sooner or later he gets worked up and further a do he rubs his thing and makes me watch." Signed "I'm just screwed up" Well first of all you're not screwed up, your an unscrewed up reaction to a screwed up situation. Feeling screwed up at a screwed up time, in a screwed up place does not make you necessarily screwed up, if you catch my drift. Well as you know dear listeners if you enclose your number a reply is guaranteed. <Rings Miss Screwed Up>
Miss Screwed Up - Hello
Happy Harry Hardon - This is Happy Harry Hardon, your live. Is this Miss Screwed Up.
Miss Screwed Up - Yes
Happy Harry Hardon - Well I have a couple of questions. How big is it, this thing you described? Is it bigger than a baby's arm..... What you don't remember or you don't want to tell me?.... Or maybe you made this whole thing up hey? Remember my dear I can smell a lie like a fart in a car. <Miss Screwed Up hangs up> Well it's too bad about that one actually, to me the real truth is always a bigger turn on. It doesn't have to be a big deal, it could be anything.