American Pie
So are we gonna screw soon? I'm
getting kind of antsy.
Jim pauses in disbelief. Then --
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Michelle and Jim burst in and slam the door. A toy
basketball hoop falls off the back of the door. They are
standing in a cluttered, toy-strewn, pit of a kid's room.
One of those stupid plastic airplanes on a string hangs
from the ceiling, flying in circles.
JIM
This'll do.
MICHELLE
Now, I have two rubbers. Wear them
both, it'll desensitize you. I don't
want you coming so damn early.
JIM
Why, uh, what makes you think that I --
MICHELLE
Come on. I saw you on the net. Why
do you think I accepted this date?
You're a sure thing!
Jim heartily agrees.
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
The scotch bottle is almost empty. Stifler's Mom and
Finch are smoking cigarettes.
FINCH
So...would you object if I said you're
quite striking?
STIFLER'S MOM
Mister Finch -- are you trying to
seduce me?
FINCH
Yes ma'am, I am.
One look between them, and we know it's all over.
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Kevin and Vicky. Silently doing it. Curious looks on
their faces. The look you get when your waiter delivers
your food in a fancy restaurant, and you look at the
creation on the plate, and secretly you're not sure if
it's really what you ordered. But you don't say
anything, and you just eat it.
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
Oz and Heather. Souls entwined. Making love.
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
We can hear Jim and Michelle going at it like a couple of
HOWLING BANSHEES over a SERIES OF SHOTS:
-- A piggy bank gets knocked over and shatters.
-- An x-wing fighter flies across the room.
-- A pillow explodes in a cloud of feathers.
-- One of the legs on the bed breaks.
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - OUTSIDE BASEMENT DOOR - NIGHT
The Basement door is closed. We hear from the inside...
STIFLER'S MOM (O.S.)
I had no idea you'd be this good!
FINCH (O.S.)
Neither did I!
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jim and Michelle going at it. Again, we HEAR but can't
see them. The room is more trashed than before. And as
we PAN across the disaster area they've created --
JIM (O.S.)
Are you gonna do what I think you're
gonna do?
MICHELLE (O.S.)
Don't you want me to?
JIM (O.S.)
Oh yeah! Put it in your mouth!
MICHELLE (O.S.)
Okay!
We see her...on top of Jim. She clears her throat. And
then we see her raise a children's plastic recorder to
her lips -- and she whistles THE MICHIGAN FIGHT SONG. On
cue, Jim chimes in --
JIM
Hail, hail, to Michigan, the leaders
and best!
EXT. BEACH - NIGHT
Oz could be coming. Heather could be coming. But it's
all so darn passionate that the whole thing looks like
one big orgasm anyway.
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jim and Michelle lay on the floor, tangled in sheets and
each others' clothing. Exhausted, gasping.
And then we see the closet door is open, just a crack.
It swings open. Standing there is Stifler's Little
Brother. Jaw hanging.
STIFLER'S BROTHER
That was awesome!
Jim and Michelle are stunned.
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
Finch and Stifler's Mom are just off-camera. We can't
see it, but we can tell Finch's status from his ORGASMIC
MOANING.
What we do see is the kitchen door handle rattling. The
chair falling out of place. And the door opening as
Stifler walks in. He stops, horrified.
STIFLER
Ugh...oh no...
He looks like he's going to barf. Instead, he passes
out.
EXT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - SUNRISE - ESTABLISHING
The sun rises over Lake Michigan. A brand new day.
Various students are passed out here and there.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Oz holds Heather in his arms. Completely peaceful.
SEAGULLS CALL to each other. WAVES BREAK on the shore.
Oz has lost all pretense. Smiling to himself, or maybe
to the world.
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - STIFLER'S BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY
Jim wakes up in bed, alone. He looks around.
JIM
She's gone.
He considers this.
JIM (cont'd)
Oh my God. She used me.
He considers this further. Smiles.
JIM (cont'd)
Wow! I was used! Cool!
He jumps up and does a little dance, SINGING...
JIM (CONT'D)
Hail! to the victors, valiant; Hail!
to the conquering heroes, hail...
INT. STIFLER'S COTTAGE - BEDROOM - DAY
Kevin and Vicky lie next to each other in bed, staring at
the ceiling. Though they're trying to conceal it, we can
see a bit of dissatisfaction, uncertainty, peeking
through.
KEVIN
That was a great night.
VICKY
Yeah.
A beat.
KEVIN
I can't believe we just had our senior
prom.
VICKY
Yeah, the time went by so fast.
KEVIN
It did.
Another beat.
VICKY
Kevin, next year...with you in Ann
Arbor, and me in Nashville...it's not
gonna work, is it.
KEVIN
Don't say that, we can do it somehow.
It might not be perfect, but --
VICKY
(interrupting)
No, Kevin --
(she sits up)
That's the whole thing, that's what
I've been realizing. That nothing's
perfect, that you can't plan
everything.
Kevin thinks this over.
KEVIN
It is far away...and we'll be on our
own...meeting new people...
A moment as they think this over.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
Vicky...last night...I wasn't lying.
VICKY
I know.
(a beat)
Let's go. Don't you have something to
tell your friends?
KEVIN
What?
VICKY
Your little pact. Jessica told me all
about it.
(hits him lightly)
Way to go, Kev!
Kevin gives an embarrassed smile.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DOG DAYS - DAY
A sign on the window reads, "Congratulations Seniors!"
INT. DOG DAYS - DAY
The four, newly non-virgins munch on hot dogs. Kevin's
LAUGHING.
KEVIN
(to Jim)
I guess we'll call you two-ply.
OZ
Yeah. So you want double condiments
on that?
JIM
No, no that's fine.
(then, to Kevin)
So you doing okay?
KEVIN
(a wistful smile)
Yeah.
FINCH
I'll tell you, I've learned one thing:
women, like wine, get better with age.
(a beat)
Of course, I have no frame of
reference for this comparison.
KEVIN
So Oz, you almost made it, huh?
OZ
(smiles)
I'll just say that we had a great
night together.
JIM
Hang in there, buddy, you'll get
there.
OZ
I know.
KEVIN
Wow. You two really have something
going, don't you?
OZ
I think we're falling in love.
They GROAN. Oz just smiles.
KEVIN
You know what the coolest thing is?
This, right now.
They guys keep eating, uncertain what to say.
OZ
It's true. I mean, after this,
everything'll be different.
JIM
After getting laid?
OZ
After high school.
KEVIN
Yeah, but we'll still see each other.
OZ
Fuck yeah we will.
A beat. Kevin raises his Pepsi.
KEVIN
To the next step.
ALL
To the next step.
They all toast.
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY
Kevin is on the phone.
KEVIN
(into phone)
Hey. I got another question for you.
KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
What's that?
INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY
Kevin arrives in the back of the library. Kneels down to
put the bible back.
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