American Pie

                         JIM
               Hey Sherman.  Scopin' the babes.

                         SHERMAN
               Indeed.  Some fine ladies here, boys.
               Confidence is high, repeat, confidence
               is high.
               Sherman is moving to DefCon Two, full
               strategic arsenal ready for
               deployment.

                         JIM
               You've got something going?

                         SHERMAN
               Did you see that Central chick?
               Brunette?

                         KEVIN/JIM
               No.

                         SHERMAN
               She's around.  Seems that she's taken
               a liking to me.  Fellas, it's time
               that she experienced -- The
               Sherminator.

                         KEVIN
               Yeah, okay Sherman, whatever.

                         SHERMAN
               I'm a sophisticated sex robot, sent
               back through time...to change the
               future for one lucky lady.

                         KEVIN
               Yeah man, right on!

     Sherman saunters off into the party.

                         KEVIN (CONT'D)
                   (shakes his head)
               Hopeless.

     Vicky approaches, having a good time, joining the guys,
     EXCHANGING GREETINGS.  Jim spots NADIA across the room.
     She's beautiful, a masterpiece of a woman.

                         JIM
               Oh, shit!  There she is.  Nadia.

                         VICKY
               You like her?  Her sponsor family
               lives on my block.  Why don't you talk
               to her?

                         JIM
               What would I say?

                         VICKY
               Just tell her what's on your mind.
               And smile, you've got a good smile.
                   (then to Kevin)
               Come on.

                         KEVIN
                   (to Jim)
               Gotta go.

                         JIM
               But --

     Kevin and Vicky disappear into the crowd -- just as Jim
     sees Nadia approaching him.  He freaks.

                         JIM (cont'd)
               Kevin, get back here!

     But he's gone.  And Nadia is now in front of him.  With
     no other alternative, Jim readies himself, smiling big.

                         NADIA
                   (with a really sexy accent)
               You are in my English class, no?

     Jim smiles.

                         JIM
                   (barely)
               Yes.

                         NADIA
               I thought so.

     Jim's smile grows even bigger, almost stupid.  A beat.

                         NADIA (cont'd)
               So you are having fun?

     Jim nods, still smiling away.  Staring right through her
     head.

                         NADIA (cont'd)
               I said, you are having fun?

     A little SQUEAK escapes his throat.  Jim is on mental
     vacation.

                         NADIA (cont'd)
               Me too.

     A beat.  Jim's expression is now plasticized.  Eyes
     vacant.  A frozen, completely artificial smile. Nadia is
     confused.

                         NADIA (cont'd)
               Well...I am going to get another beer.
               You want one?

     Jim strains to speak, through his smile.

                         JIM
               No...you...go...ahead.

                         NADIA
               Okay.

     She walks off.  Jim SIGHS, completely relaxing, like a
     huge burden is now off of him.  He wipes his brow.  Then,
     realizing --

                         JIM
               Oh, shit.  No!  Shit!

     He pounds his head with his fist.

     EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

     A group of band dorks is on the porch, including
     Michelle.  Stifler stands in the doorway, staring at them
     in disbelief.

                         MICHELLE
               We're here for the party?

                         STIFLER
               What party?  There's no party.

     MUSIC blares from inside.  A drunken HAND reaches through
     the door and ruffles Stifler's hair.

                         PARTY GUY (O.S.)
               Stiff-lerrr!  Par-tyyy!!

     The hand disappears back into the house.  A beat.

                         STIFLER
               Try the house down the street.

     Stifler slams the door.  The dorks wait a moment.

                         BAND DORK
               Ring the bell again.

                         MICHELLE
               Ringing the bell is dorky -- let's
               just go in.

     We hear a CLICK OF A DEADBOLT.

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

     Kevin and Vicky are on the bed, making out.

                         VICKY
               Oh, Kev.

                         KEVIN
               Vicky -- do you think, maybe...it's
               time for us to take the next step in
               our relationship?

                         VICKY
               Tonight?

                         KEVIN
               Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
               Isn't this how you've always pictured
               it?

                         PARTY GUY (O.S.)
                   (yelling)
               Dude, my farts fuckin' stink!

                         PARTY GUY #2 (O.S.)
               You reek like a fuckin' Yeti, dude!
               Go take a shit or something!

     Kevin and Vicky exchange a glance.

                         KEVIN
               Or not.

     Vicky pushes him onto his back.

                         VICKY
               Just relax.

     INT. CAR - NIGHT

     Oz is in the passenger seat, making out with the
     aforementioned COLLEGE CHICK.  She's attractive and older-
     looking (from a high-school perspective).  They are
     parked near the river that flows through downtown Great
     Falls.

                         OZ
               Great evening, isn't it?

                         COLLEGE CHICK
               Sure.

                         OZ
               There's something about the spring
               that's just cool.  Like the smell of
               fresh rain or something.

     At this, she snuggles up to him.  Oz smiles confidently.

                         OZ (CONT'D)
               Suck me, beautiful.

     The College Chick backs off, confounded.

                         COLLEGE CHICK
               What did you just say?

                         OZ
                   (not so confidently)
               Suck me...beautiful?

     The College Chick's eyes flutter in disbelief.  She tries
     to keep her cool -- but can barely restrain her laughter.

                         COLLEGE CHICK
               What?!

     Oz attempts to maintain a suave exterior, but he's just
     had the rug pulled from under him.

                         OZ
               Uh...you know, my friends call me Nova
               -- as in Casanova.

                         COLLEGE CHICK
               You need some work, buddy!

     She bursts into laughter.  Oz is ill.

                         OZ
               Well...jeez, don't laugh at me.

     Seeing Oz's defeated expression, she collects herself.

                         COLLEGE CHICK
               Look, Chris.  There are just some
               things you need to learn, that's all.

                         OZ
               Like what?

     She sees that he's lost.  Almost feels sorry for him.

                         COLLEGE CHICK
               Alright, well...you've got to tone it
               down.  You don't need to go to Lookout
               Point and spout cheeseball lines to be
               romantic.

                         OZ
               ...okay...

                         COLLEGE CHICK
               You have to pay attention to a girl.
               Be sensitive to her feelings.
               Relationships are reciprocal.

                         OZ
               I'm not good in math.

     She's trying not to laugh again.

                         COLLEGE CHICK
               Come on, I'll drop you off at your
               friends'.

     Oz couldn't be humiliated any further.

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT - SAME TIME

     Oz is nursing a beer, having just told the story to Jim,
     Stifler, and some guys.

                         STIFLER
                   (hysterical, toppling over)
               You actually said that?!  Haaaah!!

                         OZ
               Shut the fuck up.

                         JIM
               Hey, you did better than I did, Nova.

                         OZ
               Oh that's really reassuring.  And
               don't call me Nova anymore.  I'm a
               fraud.

                         STIFLER
               This is pathetic.  I'm gonna find me a
               little hottie.

     Stifler strides into another room.

                         STIFLER (O.S.)(cont'd)
                   (yelling)
               Suck me, beautiful!

     Oz wallows in his beer can, beaten.

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

     Vicky is pleasuring Kevin...you know.

                         VICKY
                   (brief pause)
               Let me know.

                         KEVIN
               Okay, don't stop.

     She resumes.  A moment more -- and then Kevin is about to
     lose it.

                         KEVIN (cont'd)
               Oh -- Now!

     With awkward hurriedness, Vicky stops as Kevin
     frantically searches for a receptacle.  He grabs a nearby
     cup of beer.

     EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT

     Insert -- A hand pumping up the keg.  A fresh beer foams
     out into the cup.

                         GUY #1
               There we go.

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER

     Vicky is buttoning up her shirt.  Kevin tentatively sets
     down the beer and buttons his pants.  Suddenly the DOOR
     BURSTS OPEN.  Stifler is standing there.  A coat hanger
     sticks out of the doorknob.

                         STIFLER
               SUCK ME, BEAUTIFUL!

                         KEVIN
               God dammit, Stifler!

                         STIFLER
               Check-out time!  Please vacate the
               room.

                         VICKY
               Stifler, you're such a jerk.

     She runs out, grabbing her clothes.  Kevin runs after
     her.

                         KEVIN
               Vicky, wait!

     Stifler enters the bedroom, laughing, pulling a SOPHOMORE
     CHICK behind him.  He closes the door.

                         SOPHOMORE CHICK
               God, I can't believe there are so many
               cool people at this party.

                         STIFLER
               Yep.

                         SOPHOMORE
               And you got a keg, too, wow.
                   (realizing)
               Oh, wait, I left my beer downstairs.

     Stifler notices Kevin's beer sitting on the night table.
     He hands it to her.

                         STIFLER
               Here, babe.

                         SOPHOMORE CHICK
               Thanks.

     She's about to take a sip.

                         STIFLER
                   (gazing into her eyes)
               You're really beautiful.

     Thrown off, she sets the beer down.

                         SOPHOMORE CHICK
               Really?

                         STIFLER
               Uh huh.

     She's totally enthralled.  Nervous, she raises the beer
     again to take a sip.  Then Stifler moves in.  Takes the
     beer from her and sets it down.  Starts kissing her.  She
     breaks it off.

                         SOPHOMORE CHICK
               I don't know if I want to be doing
               this.

                         STIFLER
                   (sighs)
               Doing what?

     Stifler looks inconvenienced.  He picks up the beer,
     annoyed.

                         SOPHOMORE CHICK
               You know.  If we hook up, tomorrow
               I'll just be some girl you go telling
               all your friends about.

                         STIFLER
                   (shifty)
               No way.

     Avoiding her look, he raises the beer to take a sip.

                         SOPHOMORE CHICK
                   (a little angry)
               Steve!  You could at least look at me
               when you say that.

     Stifler stops and SIGHS, the beer inches from his mouth.
     Lowers it.  Stares her in the eye.

                         STIFLER
               Look...
                   (searching, remembers)
               ...Sarah.  I wouldn't go telling
               stories or whatever about you.  I
               promise.

     Smiling, he raises the beer...

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING

     Jim and some OTHER GUYS are pounding shots of vodka.

                         JIM
               What the hell?  I should be able to
               talk to chicks.  I'm articulate.  I
               got a 720 on my SAT verbal.
                   (starts listing off words)
               Copious.  Verisimilitude.

     A GUY SCREAMS upstairs.

                         JIM (CONT'D)
                   (unaffected)
               Intransigence.

     A GIRL SCREAMS upstairs.  The SOPHOMORE CHICK comes
     running through the kitchen.  SCREAMING.  And
     indeterminate stain is on her shirt.  She bolts out the
     door and into the night.  A moment passes.

                         JIM (CONT'D)
               Regurgitation.

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - NIGHT

     Stifler is on his knees, barfing in the toilet.  Jim and
     a few other guys rush in.

                         GUY #1
               Oh, gross.

                         JIM
               Jesus, what did you eat?

     Stifler just keeps hurling.  Kevin enters, holding the
     remains of the tainted beer.

                         KEVIN
               Stifler, how's the man chowder?!

     Stifler barfs even more violently.

     EXT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BACK PORCH, BY THE KEG - NIGHT

     Jessica and Vicky are refilling their beers at the keg.
     Nadia waits patiently beside them with an empty cup.

                         VICKY
               He likes it.

                         JESSICA
               Of course he does.  What about you?
               Have you just never had one with Kevin
               -- or have you never had one, period?

                         VICKY
               I think I've had one.

                         JESSICA
               Well that's a no.  No wonder you're
               not psyched about sex.
                   (starts filling Vicky's beer)
               You've never even had one manually?

                         VICKY
               ...I've never tried it.

                         JESSICA
               Are you kidding?  You've never double-
               clicked your mouse?

     Vicky shrugs.

                         JESSICA (CONT'D)
               Hell, just a pair of tight pants will
               set me off.
                   (noticing Nadia next to them,
                    she passes the tap along)
               Am I right or what, Nadia?

                         NADIA
                   (no bones about it)
               You are right.  The hands are not
               always necessary.

                         JESSICA
                   (to Vicky)
               See?

                         NADIA
               In fact -- I should teach you my own
               special method.  I developed it myself
               at the ballet institute in Prague.
               You use nothing but the muscles of the
               inner thigh.

     Nadia walks off.

                         JESSICA
               No wonder she never pays attention in
               class.

     Vicky nods, traumatized.

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - LATER

     Kevin and Jim are looking at a PICTURE OF STIFLER'S MOM
     on the wall.  Very attractive, late 30's.

                         JIM
               Shit, I can't believe a fine woman
               like this produced a guy like Stifler.

     TWO FRESHMAN GUYS are walking by as Jim says this.

                         FRESHMAN GUY
               Dude!  That chick -- is a MILF!

                         FRESHMAN GUY #2
               What the hell is that?

                         FRESHMAN GUY
               M-I-L-F!  Mom I'd Like to Fuck!

     Suddenly, a bedroom door opens a couple inches.  Sherman
     pokes his head out.

                         SHERMAN
                   (hushed, to guys)
               Don't you think you fellas could try a
               little tact?  I've got company.  Know
               what I mean?

     In the bedroom in the background, we see the Central
     Girl.  Sherman closes the door, leaving the guys there,
     dumbstruck.

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - STAIRWAY - NIGHT

     Jim and Kevin are coming down the stairs.

                         KEVIN
                   (snapping)
               Dammit!  If Sherman has sex before I
               do, I'm gonna be really fucking
               pissed.

     They turn the corner into the kitchen.

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUING

                         KEVIN
               Man, I just gotta get laid already!
               This blowjob thing is bullshit!

     He stops.  Vicky is there with Jessica.  Staring at him.
     Vicky quietly grabs her purse.  Hurt.  OTHER STUDENTS
     watch, silently.  Kevin doesn't know what to say.

                         VICKY
               Jessica, can you drive me home?

                         JESSICA
               Sure.

     The guys watch as the girls head for the door.

                         KEVIN
               Vicky, wait.

                         VICKY
               Not for you.

     The girls exit.  Nobody says anything.  Kevin is in
     shock.

                         PARTY GUY (O.S.)
               Yeti!  I am the Yeti!

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - DAY

     The next morning.  The party is long over.  Plastic beer
     cups and various bottles litter the house, but it's not
     trashed.

     Jim is wandering around in a daze, holding his head.  He
     stumbles over a body.  It's Kevin.

                         KEVIN
               Ow, what the hell?

                         JIM
               Sorry, I thought you were dead.

     They walk over to the other side of the room.  Finch is
     sitting on the couch.

                         FINCH
               Good morning gentleman.

                         JIM
               Finch!  Where were you last night?
               What happened to the foolproof plan?

                         FINCH
               I thought a fashionably late entrance
               would enhance my appearance.
                   (off their looks)
               When I got here, the Bacchanalia was
               over and the nymphs had left.

     Oz wanders in, still sullen.  Takes a seat, sulking.

                         KEVIN
               Feeling better, Oz?