American Pie

                         OZ
               I'm such a loser.

                         KEVIN
               That's the spirit.

     We hear FOOTSTEPS coming down the stairs.  It's the
     CENTRAL GIRL.  She wears a "Central" sweatshirt.  Sherman
     follows behind her.  The guys watch in disbelief as
     Sherman and the girl speak hushed, intimately.

                         SHERMAN
                   (snippets of conversation)
               ...I'll never forget...thank you.

     The Central Girl smiles.  Notices the other guys
     watching.  Just gives Sherman a kiss on the cheek.

                         CENTRAL GIRL
               Bye.

     She exits.  The guys are dumbfounded.  Jaws hang.
     Sherman looks triumphant.  Strides over to the guys.

                         JIM
               You did it.

                         SHERMAN
               Fellas, say goodbye to Chuck Sherman,
               the boy.  I am now a man.

     The guys are shocked and amazed.

                         SHERMAN (CONT'D)
               I highly recommend you join the club.

                         KEVIN
               I -- I don't get it, how the hell did
               you do that?

                         SHERMAN
               It was just my time, fellas, it was
               just my time.  Best of luck to you,
               boys.

     Sherman exits.  Silence.  The guys look like they just
     lost the World Series on errors.  They slowly take seats,
     ruined.

                         KEVIN
               I put in months of quality time with
               Vicky.  Sherman meets a chick for one
               night and scores?  This is just wrong.

                         OZ
               No shit, I'm never gonna get laid.
               How the hell am I gonna become this
               Mr. Sensitive Man?

                         JIM
               Jesus, we're all gonna go to college
               as virgins.  They've probably got
               special dorms for people like us.

     A long beat as they give this serious consideration.
     Then, Kevin strides purposefully to the front of the
     group.

                         KEVIN
               Alright, I got an idea.  But it stays
               between us.  Agreed?

     They do.

                         KEVIN (cont'd)
               Okay.  It's really simple.  We
               make an agreement -- no wait, more
               than an agreement.

                         JIM
               Like a bet?

                         KEVIN
               No, a pact.  No money involved.  This
               is more important than any bet.  Now
               here's the deal: We all get laid
               before we graduate.

     A beat

                         OZ
               Dude, it's not like I haven't been
               trying to get laid.

                         KEVIN
               This is different.  This is better.
               Think of when you're working out, Oz.
               You need a partner, someone to spot
               you.  Someone to keep you motivated.

     Oz nods, getting into it.  Kevin smiles and continues,
     arms outspread.

                         KEVIN (CONT'D)
               That's what we are, we keep each other
               on track.  Prior to this day, we've
               postured.  We've procrastinated.
               We've pretended.  We've -- well I
               can't think of other p-words, but
               we've probably done them too.

                         JIM
               Pontificated.

                         KEVIN
                   (ignoring him)
               Separately, we are flawed and
               vulnerable.  But together, we are the
               masters of our sexual destiny!

                         JIM
                   (kung fu voice)
               Their tiger-style kung-fu is strong;
               but our dragon style will defeat it!

                         OZ
                   (going on)
               The Sha-lin masters from east and west
               must unite!

                         KEVIN
               Guys, guys -- you're ruining my
               fucking moment here.  Now think about
               it --

     Kevin jumps up on a chair.

                         KEVIN (CONT'D)
               No longer will our penises remain
               flaccid and unused!  From now on, we
               fight for every man out there who
               isn't getting laid when he should be!
               This is our day!  This is our time!
               And, by God, we're not gonna let
               history condemn us to celibacy!  We
               will make a stand!  We will succeed!
               We will get laid!

     Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in
     front of him.  One by one, the guys pile their hands on
     top, in between them -- it's a pact!  They break with a
     CHEER.  Woo-hoo!

                         STIFLER
                   (wandering down from upstairs)
               What the hell are you losers doing?

     They all stop.  Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his
     mouth.  A goatee of dried toothpaste.

                         FINCH
               If I might ask, when you brush your
               teeth, do you spit or swallow?

     Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green
     and heads back upstairs.

     INT. DOG DAYS - DAY

     The guys are finishing up breakfast.  Hot dogs & eggs.

                         KEVIN
               Now, the sex -- it's got to be valid,
               consensual sex.  No funny stuff.  And
               no prostitutes, if you were thinking
               about that, Finch.

     Finch gives a wistful "Who, me?"

                         KEVIN (CONT'D)
               So, I'm thinking prom is basically our
               last big chance.

                         OZ
               Dude, prom sucks.

                         KEVIN
               I know, but think about it -- At the
               parties that night.  Chicks are gonna
               want to do it.

                         JIM
               Yeah, it's like tradition or
               something.

                         KEVIN
               Right.  That gives us...

                         JIM
               Exactly three weeks to the day.

     They take this in with some trepidation.

                         KEVIN
               Alright then.  It's official.  Any
               questions?

     There are none.  Kevin raises his Pepsi.

                         KEVIN (cont'd)
               To the next step.

     The guys raise their drinks.

                         ALL
               To the next step.

     They toast.  And from this, we go into our STRATEGIZING
     FOR SEX MONTAGE:

     INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

     Jim sits in the room as Kevin goes through the yellow
     pages.  Finds a "Floral Delivery" listing.  Kevin dials.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

     Kevin, Jim, and Oz are pooling a few dollars together,
     which Kevin takes.  They part ways.

     INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

     Oz is watching the Lifetime Channel as Jim looks on in
     confusion.  A Martha Stewart-type thing where they pain
     pottery with little sponges.  Oz looks dubious.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

     Finch is unpacking his lunch.  He carefully unfolds a
     napkin to reveal a sandwich, crust removed.  Other than
     that, he's doing absolutely nothing.

     INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

     Jim is fiddling with a small, golfball-like camera
     attached to his computer.  The computer screen reads, "E-
     DATE:  We Make Love Happen."  As Jim fiddles with the
     camera, a window on the screen shows his real-time image.
     He clicks an onscreen-button labeled "FREEZE IMAGE" --
     the image freezes, showing Jim with an awkward grimace.
     The screen reads, "IMAGE SENT."

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGHS - LIBRARY - DAY

     Kevin holds a copy of the HOLY BIBLE.  We see he's in the
     "Religion" section.  Surrounded by piles of different
     bibles.  No luck.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

     Finch pulls out a small mustard packet.  He neatly snips
     the end with scissors.  Then rolls the packet, like a
     tube of toothpaste, economically dispensing every last
     bit of mustard.

     INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

     Jim is on his computer.  The screen reads "YOU HAVE 00
     REPLIES."  Jim is nonplussed.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

     Kevin, Oz, and Jim are closely gathered around Kevin's
     locker, holding their backpacks open.  Kevin holds a big
     shopping bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms
     falls out.  He hands it over to Jim...and we see that the
     guys' packs are full of various condom boxes.

     INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

     Jim has unraveled a bunch of condoms and is curiously
     examining them.

     And THE MONTAGE COMES TO AN ABRUPT END with a KNOCKING.

                         JIM
                   (shoving the rubbers into his
                    night table)
               Just a minute!

     He opens the bedroom door.  Jim's Dad is standing there.

                         JIM'S DAD
                   (trying not to look inside)
               Can I come in?

                         JIM
               Yeah, sure.

                         JIM'S DAD
               You're not...busy?

                         JIM
               Dad, come in.

     Jim's Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag.
     He takes a seat on Jim's bed.

                         JIM'S DAD
                   (fatherly attempt)
               Sit down, Jim.  Let's talk.

     Jim takes a seat next to his dad.

                         JIM
               Okay.

                         JIM'S DAD
               These are for you.  From father to
               son.

     Jim looks at the bag.  Uncomfortable.  Hesitantly, he
     takes it.  Slowly, dreadfully, he pulls out a copy of
     PERFECT 10.

                         JIM
               Uh...dad...

     Jim's Dad is doing his best to be the good father.

                         JIM'S DAD
               Go ahead son, there's more.

     Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag.  Cringes.
     Pulls out a PENTHOUSE.

                         JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
               Now, that one's a little more...a
               little more...graphic.

                         JIM
               I know, Dad.

                         JIM'S DAD
               Oh, okay.  Here's let me show you.

     Jim's Dad takes the bag back.  Pulls out a copy of
     SHAVED.

                         JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
               This, son, is your more exotic dirty
               magazine.

                         JIM
               Dad!  I know!

                         JIM'S DAD
               Do you know about the clitoris?

                         JIM
                   (through clenched teeth)
               Yes dad.

                         JIM'S DAD
               Sometimes it can be pretty hard to
               locate.

                         JIM
                   (interrupting, hand up)
               Thank you, dad, I got it.

                         JIM'S DAD
               Okay, well that about covers it.

     Jim MURMURS something incomprehensible.

                         JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
               Now, let's put these somewhere where
               your mother won't find them.

     Jim's Dad takes the stack of magazines.  He goes to open
     Jim's night table.  Jim freaks.

                         JIM
               Wait!

     But it's too late.  Jim's Dad is face-to-face with the
     unraveled prophylactics.  He sours.

                         JIM'S DAD
                   (beaten)
               I'll have to save this speech for
               another day.  I'm too worn out.

     Jim's Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - NEAR THE HALL OF FAME - DAY

     Kevin is trying to talk to Vicky.

                         KEVIN
               Did you get the flowers?
                   (no response)
               What about the poem?

     She doesn't care.

                         KEVIN (cont'd)
               Vicky, please don't do this.

     Vicky stares him right in the eye.  Strong.

                         VICKY
               I'll think about it.

     She slams her locker and walks off.  Jessica is nearby.
     She's overheard.

                         JESSICA
               Ah, you'll get her back soon enough.
               That's easy, she likes you.  What you
               need to do is learn to press a girl's
               buttons.  You gotta give her what
               she's never had.

                         KEVIN
               What?

                         JESSICA
               I'll give you a hint.
                   (hot, orgasmic)
               "Ohhh, yeah, yeah!"
                   (flat)
               Comprende?

                         KEVIN
               You mean...and orgasm?

                         JESSICA
               You got it, stud.

                         KEVIN
               Well...I'm pretty sure I've --

                         JESSICA
                   (interrupts authoritatively)
               No you haven't.

                         KEVIN
               But that one time --

                         JESSICA
                   (shaking head)
               No.

                         KEVIN
               Well of course I'd want to give her
               that.  I mean, what do you think, I
               don't care about her?

                         JESSICA
               Do you?

                         KEVIN
               Of course.

                         JESSICA
               Do you love her?

     Kevin squirms.