American Pie

                         KEVIN
               I -- I don't know, you can't ask me
               that.

                         JESSICA
               Well, if you want to get her in the
               sack, tell her you love her.  That's
               how I was duped.

                         KEVIN
               I don't want to dupe her, Jessica.  If
               I say it, I have to be sure I mean it.

                         JESSICA
               Well it's up to you.  The Big L, or
               the Big O.

     Suddenly Stifler comes running up, breathless.

                         STIFLER
               Dickhead!  You gotta see this.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - MOMENT LATER

     The VOCAL JAZZ GROUP is practicing, singing one of those
     doo-wop, Acapella love songs (i.e. "Love You Like I Do").
     Singing with the group is none other than Oz.  He's not
     doing too badly, but mainly he's checking out the various
     vocal jazz girls.  Smiling at them, giving suave little
     waves.

     Kevin, Stifler, and Jim take seats in the back of the
     auditorium, listening.

                         JIM
               This is unexpected.

                         STIFLER
               What did you cocks do to him?  Shit,
               if Coach Marshall sees this, he'll
               kick Oz off the team on principle
               alone.

     The song finishes.  Oz bounds up to the other guys.

                         OZ
               Hey guys, you came to watch me in
               action?

                         JIM
               Yeah, I think you sounded pretty good.

                         STIFLER
               I think you need your balls
               reattached.

                         OZ
               Keep it down, dude.

                         STIFLER
               What the fuck are you doing here?

                         OZ
               This place is an untapped resource.
               Check it out, dude, these vocal jazz
               girls are hot.

     ANGLE ON SOME VOCAL JAZZ GIRLS

     A few of the girls are gathering their stuff, one of whom
     is HEATHER -- conservative-looking, cute.

                         VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
               Hey, we've got Conan the Barbarian
               singing with us.

                         VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #2
               Maybe he'll crush some beer cans on
               his forehead.

                         HEATHER
               I think he's got a nice voice.

                         VOCAL JAZZ GIRL #1
                   (ribbing her)
               Go talk to him, maybe you can teach
               him how to read.

     Heather shakes her head.  BACK TO:

                         STIFLER
               You dipshit, you're expecting to score
               with some goody-goody choir-girl
               priss?

                         OZ
               Dude, watch me work.  They go for
               sensitive studs like me.

     Oz waves goodbye to a final choir girl.

     EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - LATER

     Finch is sitting on a bench, reading the paper, carefree.
     Kevin and Jim approach.

                         KEVIN
               This is your plan, Finch?

                         FINCH
               Yep.

     He turns a page.  Skims the articles.  A beat.

                         KEVIN
               This.  Right now.

                         FINCH
               Uh-huh.

                         JIM
               You're just gonna sit there and drink
               your coffee?

                         FINCH
               Mochaccino.
                   (then)
               Actually, in the spirit of the pact, I
               do need to ask for your cooperation in
               one small matter.

                         KEVIN
               Of course, Finch.  What?

                         FINCH
               Whatever you hear about me, you agree.

                         KEVIN
               What are we gonna hear?

                         FINCH
               You'll see.  Gotta go.  Sixteen
               minute round trip.

                         JIM
               Finch, don't you think it's about time
               you learned to take a dump at school?

                         FINCH
               When was the last time you looked at
               the facilities here?

                         KEVIN
               Fifteen minutes ago.

     Finch shudders and walks away.  Kevin and Jim stand
     there, dumbfounded.  An ENTHRALLED GIRL approaches.

                         ENTHRALLED GIRL
               Uh, guys?  Was that Paul Finch?

                         KEVIN
               Yeah.

                         ENTHRALLED GIRL
               You guys have like, seen him in the
               locker room, right?

                         KEVIN
               Yeah.

                         ENTHRALLED GIRL
               Is it true that he's really...huge?

                         JIM
               I have no idea.  Finch showers in a
               bathing suit.

                         KEVIN
                   (forced)
               No -- it's true.  He is...really...
               big.

                         JIM
                   (loving it)
               Yeah, enormous.

                         ENTHRALLED GIRL
               Woah.  Does he have a date for prom
               yet.

                         JIM
               Definitely not.

                         ENTHRALLED GIRL
               No way!

     She hurries off to a GROUP OF GIRLS, sharing the gossip.
     They all seem very interested.

                         KEVIN
                   (dumbfounded)
               Finch hasn't done a damn thing, and
               he's got girls lining up already.

     INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

     Kevin is on the phone.

                         KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
               Say that again, Kevin?

                         KEVIN
               Uh...I thought you might know a trick
               or something.  To make her, you
               know...

     INTERCUT WITH

     INT. SUSHI BAR - DAY

     Kevin's brother is on his cell phone.  A SUSHI CHEF
     prepares food behind the counter.

                         KEVIN'S BROTHER
               Orgasm?

     The Sushi Chef looks up.  Kevin's Brother turns away.

                         KEVIN
               Yeah.

                         SUSHI CUSTOMER
                   (to Kevin's Brother)
               What's good here?

                         KEVIN'S BROTHER
               Try the spicy tuna hand roll.

                         KEVIN
               What?!  How do I do that?

                         KEVIN'S BROTHER
               Uh -- forget that.  Look, is that all
               you're interested in?  Ways to get
               your girlfriend into bed?

                         KEVIN
               Well, no.  I think...I guess it would
               be good to be able to return the
               favor.  I mean, it would be nice to
               know she enjoys things as much as I
               do.

                         KEVIN'S BROTHER
               That's good, that's what I needed to
               hear.  Now you qualify.

                         KEVIN
               Qualify for what?

                         KEVIN'S BROTHER
               You've just inherited The Bible.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BACK OF LIBRARY - DAY

     Kevin is walking through the "Religion" Section.  He
     carefully looks about, making sure nobody's watching.

                         KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)
               It originally started as a sex manual,
               this book that some guys brought back
               from Amsterdam in the early eighties.
               What to do with your tongue, things
               like that.  And each year, it got
               passed on to one East student who was
               worthy of it.

     Kevin kneels down on the floor, near a section of various
     bibles on the bottom shelf.

                         KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
               After a couple years, guys started
               adding their own techniques.  Things
               they figured out themselves.

     Kevin slides out the section of bibles from the bottom
     shelf.  Pulls out a pocket knife.  Flips up the bottom of
     the shelf.  Slides it out.

                         KEVIN'S BROTHER (V.O.)(cont'd)
               You have to keep it a secret, and
               return it at the end of the year.  So,
               now you know.  Good luck.

     There, a bit dusty, is an old book.  Many extra pages of
     notebook paper have been tucked into it, nearly breaking
     the binding.  The original title is now obscured -- over
     it, someone has written "The Bible."

     Remember when Indian Jones found that gold statue?  It's
     like that right now.

     Kevin carefully pulls it out.  Reverently flips through
     it.  Full of details.  Explicit diagrams.  Anecdotes.
     And atop each handwritten page is a year, indicating the
     date it was added.

     Kevin reaches the last page.  It's blank.  He lightly
     runs his hand down the empty page.

     INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

     Jim enters his house, slinging his backpack off his
     shoulder.

                         JIM
                   (yells)
               Mom?!  I'm home!

     No response.  Jim walks into the kitchen, noticing a
     fresh-baked pie on the counter.  Next to it is a note:
     "Jimmy - Apple, your favorite.  I'll be home late.
     Enjoy!  Love Mom."

     Jim sniffs the pie, taking in the aroma.  Then stops...as
     a quizzical look spreads across his face.

     After a moment of thought, he slides a finger into the
     pie.  Moves it around a bit, studying the consistency.

     Then Jim becomes more curious.  We can see the gears in
     his head start to turn.  He looks down at the pie like
     it's... well, not a pie.

     EXT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY

     Jim's dad gets out of his car, carrying his briefcase.

     INT. JIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

     Jim's dad comes in the door and stops dead in his tracks.
     His face drops, appalled.

                         JIM'S DAD
               Jim?

                         JIM
               It's not what it looks like!

                                                            CUT TO:

     INT. JIM'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

     Jim and his Dad sit in silence, opposite each other at
     the table.  Jim stares into his lap, humiliated.  Jim's
     dad is crushed.  You've never seen such disappointment...
     but he's trying to keep his chin up for Jim's sake.

     In the middle of the table is the pie.  It's decimated.
     Mushed up, ruined...violated.

                         JIM'S DAD
                   (fighting back tears)
               I guess...we'll just tell your
               mother...that we ate it all.

     INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

     Late.  Kevin sits on his bed, reading a book -- the
     Bible.

     If all students studied the way Kevin's studying this
     book, we'd have a nation of geniuses.  He's scrutinizing
     it.  Turning it sideways and upside down as if trying to
     decipher cave paintings.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY

     The Vocal Jazz Group is doing a song.  Oz is singing
     along, really making it look like he's into it.  He
     closes his eyes, singing with even more enthusiasm.  As
     the song ends, Oz continues just a moment more with his
     shtick -- a little, heartfelt vocal "scat" to tag the
     number.  The thing is, it actually sounds really good.

     Oz opens his eyes...to see the whole group -- especially
     the girls -- looking at him, somewhat awed.

     The CHOIR TEACHER is a smartly-dressed black woman.

                         CHOIR TEACHER
               What the hell was that?

                         OZ
               Sorry.

                         CHOIR TEACHER
               No, it was good.

                         OZ
               Oh, well...
                   (noticing Heather looking at
                    him, he acts "sensitive")
               It came from the heart.

                         CHOIR TEACHER
               Well then keep it coming.
                   (to everyone)
               Alright, people, good work!  Keep it
               up and we'll do great at the state
               competition.

     Rehearsal wraps up, and Heather comes up to Oz.

                         HEATHER
               Not bad, Chris.

                         OZ
                   (surprised himself)
               Really?  Hey, thanks -- Heather,
               right?

                         HEATHER
               Yeah...so...you've got this sort of...
               Bobby McFerrin thing going there.

                         OZ
                   (no idea)
               Yeah.  Right, uh-huh.
                   (then, back into it)
               I feel like I've discovered this whole
               new side of me.  Music is so
               expressive.

                         HEATHER
                   (amused)
               Okay.
                   (then)
               I mean, I agree, but...aren't you
               supposed to be out, like, trying to
               decapitate someone with your lacrosse
               stick or something?

     Oz "gets serious" at this.