American Pie

                         OZ
               Oh sure.  I know what people think.
               It's like, Oz, he's just this kickass
               lacrosse player -- I also play
               football, by the way -- But that's
               like...not all that I am.

                         HEATHER
               Of course, I didn't --

                         OZ
                   (cutting her off)
               I mean it really bothers me when
               people try to pigeonhole me like that.

                         HEATHER
                   (sparking to this)
               You?  You think I don't get that?
               God, it's like just because I don't
               get drunk and barf every weekend,
               people say "Oh, here's this goody-two-
               shoes choir-girl priss."

     Of course, this is what Stifler said about her.  And for
     a moment, this catches Oz off guard.

                         OZ
               Yeah...so like, what else do you do?

                         HEATHER
                   (offended)
               Well the same things you do.  Hang out
               with friends and stuff, you know,
               whatever.
                   (then)
               What do you think I do?

                         OZ
                   (genuine)
               I just -- realized that I didn't know
               anything about you.  I was interested.

                         HEATHER
               Oh...well that's okay.  Cool.

     EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - DAY

     Kevin is walking home with Vicky.  He's a couple paces
     behind her, almost tagging along.

                         KEVIN
               I was being selfish.  And majorly
               insensitive.  And I'm a total idiot.

                         VICKY
               I think "shithead" really says it.

                         KEVIN
               Yes!  I'm a shithead!  I'm a complete
               and total shithead!

     She cracks a little smile.

                         KEVIN (CONT'D)
               And I want to try to make it up to
               you.

                         VICKY
               How?

     Vicky stops walking.  Looks at Kevin.

     EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY

     Vicky's perfect suburban home...as we hear VICKY MOANING
     IN ECSTASY.

                         VICKY (V.O.)
               Oh...ungghhhhh!

                         KEVIN (V.O.)
               Shhhh.  Your parents are downstairs.

     INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

     Tight on Vicky's face, in sexual bliss, writhing.

                         VICKY
               Oh Kevin -- don't stop!

                         KEVIN
               Just a second!

     We see that Kevin is kneeling on the floor.  Vicky's legs
     are to both sides of him -- he's ducking down, consulting
     the bible, which is hidden beneath the bed.  It's open to
     a page titled "The Tongue Tornado."

     Kevin resumes, out of frame.  Vicky goes nuts.

                         VICKY (cont'd)
                   (a little too loudly)
               Oh, God!

     Vicky reaches blindly for a pillow.  She squeezes it over
     her face, moaning into it.

                         VICKY (cont'd)
               Moly shmmmt!  Fmmkkkk!

     Noticing that Vicky now can't see him, Kevin cautiously
     pulls out The Bible from under the bed.  Sets it next to
     her.  He constantly refers from the book to Vicky, and
     back again.

     INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY

     VICKY'S MOM is straining some pasta.  On the fridge, we
     see a collage in tribute to Vicky -- her senior portrait,
     National Honor Society certificate, a report card.

                         VICKY'S MOM
                   (yells to Vicky's Dad)
               Hon?  Can you tell Vick to come on
               down for supper?

     VICKY'S DAD is at the table reading the paper.  He gets
     up with a GRUNT.

     INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

     Vicky can barely control herself.  She SCREAMS into the
     pillow.

                         KEVIN
               Vicky, shhh, you know there's no lock
               on your door.

     INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - STAIRWELL - DAY

     Vicky's dad is trudging up the stairs.

     INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

     Vicky wrestles with her own ecstacy.  Groans.  Kevin
     keeps referencing The Bible.  Whatever he's doing, it's
     working.

     INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

     Vicky's dad approaches the bedroom door.

     INT. VICKY'S BEDROOM - DAY

     Vicky is about to explode.  She pulls the pillow off her
     face, gasping.

     INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY

     Vicky's dad reaches for the doorknob.

                         VICKY (O.S.)
               I'M COMING!

     Vicky's dad shrugs, turns around, and heads back
     downstairs.

     INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - NIGHT

     Jim's door opens...he winces...REVERSE to see Jim's dad
     looking at the family portrait of Jim's family in the
     hallway outside Jim's room, his back turned to Jim's
     door.

                         JIM
               Hey, dad.  Did you knock?

     Jim's dad continues to study the picture.  A beat.  Then
     he turns around, like he just realized the door was open.

                         JIM'S DAD
               Oh, Jim!  I'm looking at the ol'
               family portrait, here.  Yep.  It's a
               good one.

     Jim can only shrugs in response.  He goes into the hall
     and looks at the portrait.  A beat.

                         JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
               Son, I wanted to talk to you about
               what I think you were trying to do the
               other day.

     Jim's face drops, seeing his death unfold.

                         JIM'S DAD (CONT'D)
                   (continuing with his prepared
                    speech)
               Now, you may have tried it in the
               shower, or maybe in bed at night, and
               not even known what you were doing.
               Or perhaps you've heard your friends
               talking about it in the locker room.

     Jim's eyes dart about, looking for a place to hide.

                         JIM
               Dad, please stop.  Please.  I'm sure I
               know what you're talking about.

                         JIM'S DAD
               Sure you know, son, but I think you've
               been having a little problem with it.
               It's okay, though.  What you're doing
               is perfectly normal.  It's like
               practice.  Like when you play tennis
               against a wall.  Some day, there'll be
               a partner returning the ball.
                   (a beat)
               You do want a partner, don't you son?

                         JIM
                   (through clenched teeth)
               Yes.

                         JIM'S DAD
               That's great.  Now remember, it's okay
               to play with yourself.  Or, as I
               always called it --
                   (elbows Jim)
               "Stroke the salami!"
                   (chuckles)
               Ho-ho, Jim.  There's nothing to be
               ashamed of.  Hell, I'm fifty-two, and
               I still enjoy masturbating.  Uncle
               Mort masturbates.  We all masturbate.

     Nauseated and entirely disoriented, Jim tries to stumble
     back into his room.  He SMACKS the doorframe.  Keeps
     going, slamming the door behind him.  A beat.

                         JIM'S DAD (cont'd)
               Poor guy thought he was the only one.

     EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

     The football field also doubles as the lacrosse field.
     East Great Falls is battling Central.  It's a rough game,
     muddy, brutal.  We see Oz grunting and groaning, playing
     very tough.

     On the sidelines, we see Heather has shown up.  She's
     watching the game -- and is impressed as she watches Oz's
     agility and domination.  Oz runs up the field, cradling
     the ball in his stick.  A couple CENTRAL PLAYERS try to
     check him.  Heather cringes with each impact, and is then
     excited to see Oz dodge his opponents.

     Finally, Oz scores with a triumphant YELL.  Heather
     CHEERS with the crowd as the EGF players congratulate
     each other.

     EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

     After the game.  Oz sees Heather waiting for him on the
     sidelines.  He's about to run over when COACH MARSHALL
     snags him --

                         COACH MARSHALL
               Good work, Ostreicher.

                         OZ
               Thanks coach.

                         COACH MARSHALL
               You're a killer, Ozzy!

                         OZ
                   (trying to get away)
               -- Thanks, coach --

     FOLLOW WITH OZ as he trots over to Heather, covered in
     mud.

                           OZ
               Hey, what're you doing here?

                         HEATHER
               Just enjoying my exhilarating first
               lacrosse experience.  You like,
               "kicked butt."

     A clod of mud falls from Oz's uniform onto Heather's
     skirt.

                         OZ
                   (brushing it off her skirt)
               Whoops, excuse me...

     Oz wipes the mud from his hands.  A beat.  Heather has
     something to say that's not quite coming out.

                         HEATHER
               Um...Chris --

                         OZ
               You can call me Oz.

                         HEATHER
               Do I have to?

                         OZ
               You can call me Ostreicher.

                         HEATHER
               What's your middle name?

                         OZ
               Forget it.

                         HEATHER
               Come on!  I won't tell.

                         OZ
               Neither will I.

                         HEATHER
               Okay.
                   (pause)
               So I had this...thought, and...this
               may seem like it's out of left field,
               and I don't know if you can, but since
               I'm not going with anyone --

     Before she can finish, Stifler runs up, sweaty and
     excited.

                         STIFLER
               Hah!  Central sucks!
                   (noticing Heather)
               Choir Chick?  What the hell are you
               doing here?

                         HEATHER
               Well, I uh, I was --
                   (decides to stand her ground)
               I was asking Chris to prom.
                   (turns to Oz)
               So do you wanna go?

     Oz is surprised at her directness.  Impressed.

                         OZ
               Yeah!

                         STIFLER
               Well, just don't expect Oz to pay for
               the limo.

                         OZ
               Stifler, fuck --
                   (noticing Heather, "sensitive")
               ...man, you don't have to be so
               insensitive.

     A beat.

                         STIFLER
               What??
                   (he dismisses it)
               Whatever -- look uh, don't forget --
               my cottage after prom.  On Lake
               Michigan.

     Stifler joins some other LACROSSE BUDDIES.

                         OZ
               Alright, cool.  I gotta hit the
               showers, but...I think this'll be
               really good.

                         HEATHER
               Yeah, me too, okay, cool.

     They share a smile.  Then Heather walks off towards her
     car.  Oz trots off to Stifler and the other lacrosse
     guys.

                         STIFLER
               My man Oz, working it with the choir
               babes?

                         LACROSSE BUDDIES
                   (cheering, slapping him)
               Yeah, go Oz! etc.

     Oz laughs, embarrassed.