American Pie

     Finch simply waves off the question.  He's glued to the
     screen.

     Jim bursts into the room, breathless.

                         JIM
               Did I miss anything?!

                         KEVIN
               Just in time.

     Jim grabs a seat by the computer.  All three guys watch,
     transfixed.  Nadia is slipping out of her leotard.

                         JIM
               Woah!

     Nadia's leotard is off.  Bra and panties.  Outstanding
     body.

     INTERCUT BETWEEN JIM'S BEDROOM and the guys around the
     computer screen in Kevin's Bedroom.

     Nadia pauses.  Looks in Jim's full-length mirror.
     Admiring her body.

                         KEVIN
               Oh, man!  This is incredible.

     And...yes!  Nadia peels off her sportsbra.  Supple
     breasts.  The guys are awestruck.

                         KEVIN (CONT'D)
               I can't believe Oz had to work.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LITTLE AUDITORIUM - DAY

     Oz sits alone in the empty vocal jazz rehearsal area.  He
     sighs, leafing through some sheet music.  It's as quiet
     and boring as can be.

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

     Stifler and his brother are awestruck.

                         STIFLER'S BROTHER
               This is like the coolest thing I've
               ever seen.

     INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

                         JIM
               Oh, thank you Lord, for this wonderful
               day.

     Nadia still primps in the mirror.  Then she looks around.
     Very carefully, she pokes through the stuff on Jim's
     night table.

                         JIM (cont'd)
               Hey!  You can't touch my stuff!

     Nadia opens the night table.  Stops.  Jim flushes.  Nadia
     delicately reaches into the night table as Jim crumbles.

                         JIM (cont'd)
               Oh no no no.

     She pulls out the stack of porno magazines.

                         KEVIN
               Nice collection there, Jim.

     Nadia takes a PENTHOUSE.  Starts thumbing through it.
     She sits on Jim's bed.  Lingering on some pages.  Getting
     aroused.

                         JIM
               Dear God -- she's -- she's -- she's --

     Welcome to every man's fantasy.  Nadia's hand wanders
     into her panties.

                         JIM (cont'd)
               Gentlemen, I'd like to make an
               announcement.  There is a gorgeous
               woman masturbating on my bed.

     The guys watch, completely blown away.  Nadia's lost
     herself.

                         KEVIN
               You know, Jim...you could go back
               there...and...

                         FINCH
                   (nodding)
               Seduce her.

                         JIM
               But, but -- what would I do?

                         KEVIN
               Anything!  Just tell her it looks like
               she needs an extra hand or something.

                         JIM
               That's stupid.

                         KEVIN
               No, you're stupid.  Get going!  Right
               now!  She's primed!

                         JIM
               Oh...oh...oh, shit!

     He BOLTS across the room.

     EXT. KEVIN'S HOUSE - DAY

     Jim sprints across the lawn.

     EXT. STREET - DAY - CONTINUING

     Jim leaps over a row of bushes.  Wipes out.  Gets up and
     keeps running.

     INT. JIM'S HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUING

     Jim crashes into the house and runs past his bewildered
     parents.

                         JIM
               Hey mom hey dad!

     He rushes up the stairs.  Jim's Dad looks hopeful.

     INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING

     Jim stops outside his door, catching his breath.  He can
     hear FAINT MOANING from inside.  He's hesitating.

                         JIM
               Oh boy oh God oh crap oh no.

     INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

                         KEVIN
               Come on, Jim.  Where are you?

     The PHONE RINGS.  Kevin answers.

                         KEVIN (cont'd)
                   (into phone)
               Hello?  Hey Sherman...what?!  How did
               you know?

     INT. SHERMAN'S HOUSE - CONTINUING

     Sherman sits in front of a computer.

                         SHERMAN
                   (into phone)
               Jim must've addressed that E-mail
               wrong.  It went out to every mailbox
               in the East High directory.  God, how
               juvenile.

     INT. COMPUTER NERD'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

     A COMPUTER NERD, 14, is at his computer.  Watching
     NadiaVision.  Mouth open.  Braces shining.

     INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

     A GROUP OF STONERS log onto the page.  A LITTLE MONKEY
     hops around in a cage.

                         STONER #1
               Whoa.

                         STONER #2
               Kind.

     INT. JIM'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUING

     Jim still waits outside his bedroom door.  Takes a deep
     breath.  Looks upwards to the sky.

                         JIM
               Please, God.  Let this be it.

     INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

                         KEVIN
               He's going in!

     INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY

     We see a bedroom full of GUYS.

                         GUY #1
               There's somebody going in there!

     INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

                         STONER #1
               Hey, that guy's in my trig class.

     INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

     Jim stands there, bewildered.  Nadia hasn't noticed him,
     eyes closed, still pleasuring herself.  Jim stands there,
     watching, faltering.  Gathers his courage.  Finally, he
     rolls his eyes and says --

                         JIM
               Looks like you could use an extra
               hand.

     Nadia's eyes flash open.

                         NADIA
                   (chastising)
               James!  You have come in here on
               purpose?!

                         JIM
               Well...uh...

                         NADIA
               Shame on you!

                         JIM
               Uh...yeah...sorry.

                         NADIA
               Well.  You have seen me.  Now it is my
               turn to see you.  Strip.

                         JIM
               Strip?

                         NADIA
               Yes, slowly.

     Jim sneaks a nervous glance over to the QuickCam.

                         JIM
               You mean like, strip strip?

                         NADIA
                   (irresistably sexy)
               For me?

     INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

                         FINCH
               What do you suppose they're saying?

                         KEVIN
               No idea.

     INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

     Nadia leans over to Jim's clock radio.  Turns it on.  We
     hear COUNTRY MUSIC.  She flips the dial, and we hear A
     FEW STATIONS FLIP BY.  Then a DRIVING, EURO-TECHNO SONG.

                         NADIA
               Perfect.

     She turns to Jim.

                         JIM
               Uh...

                         NADIA
               Move with the music.

                         JIM
               Um...okay...

     He struts clumsily back and forth.  Takes his shirt off.
     Swings it in a circle around his head...and lets go of
     it, aiming for the QuickCam, where it lands.

                         NADIA
               No, no, you must put your whole body
               into it.

                         JIM
               Nadia, I can't --

                         NADIA
               Can't what?  Do you not want to be
               with me?  I wish to be entertained,
               James.

     Jim nods eagerly.  Concentrates on the music...as we see
     the shirt slide off the camera.  Jim starts writhing to
     the beat.  Like a hyperactive chicken.

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

                         STIFLER
               What the fuck is this?

     INT. SHERMAN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

                         SHERMAN
               The horror, the horror.

     INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

     Jim is into it now.  Possibly the worst dancer in the
     world.  No rhythm.  No soul.

     INT. BASEMENT - DAY - SAME TIME

                         STONER #2
               God, what a buzzkill.

     INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - SAME TIME

     A GROUP OF GIRLS watches in amusement.

                         GIRL IN BEDROOM
               Work it, baby!

     The LAUGH and dance mockingly along with Jim.

     INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

     Jim tugs off his pants, dancing and tripping on them.

                         NADIA
                   (turned on)
               More sexy, Jim, more sexy.

     Jim is clearly excited by Nadia's prodding.  He does some
     pathetically ridiculous move with his pants, sliding them
     around his chest and neck.

     INT. GIRL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING

     A GROUP OF GIRLS is watching.

                         DISINTERESTED GIRL
               He's no Paul Finch.

     INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

     Kevin and Finch are now completely sickened.

                         FINCH
               This is truly revolting.

     INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY - CONTINUING

     Jim is straddled over a chair, grinding against the chair
     back, in his boxers and shorts.

                         NADIA
                   (getting really turned on)
               More, more, you bad boy!

     Jim starts spanking his ass as he gyrates.

     INT. ANOTHER BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

     The guys are all trying not to watch, yet still drawn to
     the computer.

                         GUY #1
               Ugh...God...

     INT. JIM'S COMPUTER - DAY - CONTINUING

                         NADIA
               Now!  Hames, come to me.

                         JIM
               Oh yeah!

     Jim dances over to her.  She pulls him onto the bed.
     Kisses his neck.  Takes his hand.  Places it on her
     thigh.

                         NADIA
               Be gentle.

     Jim GULPS.

     INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM - DAY

                         KEVIN
               Ho-lee shit.

     INT. STIFLER'S HOUSE - BROTHER'S BEDROOM - DAY - SAME TIME

                         STIFLER
               This just got a hell of a lot better.

     INT. JIM'S BEDROOM - DAY

     Jim's hand wanders up Nadia's leg.  She does the same to
     him.  Blows in his ear.  Her hand is about to enter his
     shorts.

     And Jim is done.  Bang.  That's it.