American Pie

                         KEVIN
               Well, I feel that...things are getting
               to that point in a relationship.
               When two people share...a special
               moment between them.

                         VICKY
               I think you're so right, Kevin.

                         KEVIN
                   (pause)
               You want to do it?

                         VICKY
               Yes --

     She takes his hand.  Readies herself, and declares.

                         VICKY (CONT'D)
               I love you.

     Kevin falters.  This is definitely not what he was
     expecting.  He's caught.  Trying to formulate a response.

                         VICKY (CONT'D)
               Kevin?  Do you not love me?

                         KEVIN
               No, I don't not love you.  I like, I
               know that we've definitely got
               something between us.  Something good.
               Something special.

                         VICKY
               But you don't love me.

                         KEVIN
               I didn't say that.  I mean, love, it's
               like a term that gets thrown around.
               People say things, they get married,
               have kids, and then what?  It's like
               they call it off, going "I was wrong."

     A beat.  Vicky seems to know where he's coming from.

                         VICKY
               Kevin...you're not your dad.  The two
               of us, we're not your parents.

                         KEVIN
               I know, Vick.  I'm just not ready yet,
               okay?

                         VICKY
               Okay.

     INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT

     Oz is closing up the store.  He looks up to see Heather
     at the door.  Oz goes and opens it, surprised,
     embarrassed.  The air is awkward between them.

                         HEATHER
               Hi...

                         OZ
               How did you know I was here?

                         HEATHER
               Stifler told me.

                         OZ
               You talked to Stifler?

                         HEATHER
               Well...I needed to find you.  We are
               gonna have to practice that song.

                         OZ
               ...okay.  Cool then.  I'm um, I'm glad
               you came by.  I mean, really.

     She smiles.  Oz lets her in.

                         HEATHER
               So you like, work nights?

     An uncomfortable moment for Oz.

                         OZ
               Uh...my dad's the manager.

                         HEATHER
               Really?  Cool.  Tell him his subs are
               great.

                         OZ
               Ah, he's always too heavy on the
               vinegar.  If you really want a good
               one, you gotta let me make it.

     INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER

     Oz is behind the counter.  Heather walks down the other
     side as Oz assembles a sub.

                         OZ
               My dad's always here running the
               store, busy and stuff...and I fill in
               once a week so he can get a night off.

                         HEATHER
                   (pause)
               That's nice.

                         OZ
                   (shrugs)
               So you're going to Michigan?

                         HEATHER
               Yeah, well my parents wanted me to go
               to Northwestern.  I didn't want to
               write all those extra essays they make
               you do -- I mean, how am I supposed to
               know what my "most emotionally
               significant moment" was?  So when my U
               of M acceptance came in December, I
               said the hell with it.

                         OZ
               Onions?

                         HEATHER
               What?

                         OZ
               You want onions?

                         HEATHER
               Oh, yeah.  So what're you gonna major
               in?

                         OZ
               Well, State's got a good business
               school.  And I can probably walk onto
               the lacrosse team.  Green peppers?

                         HEATHER
               Yeah.  So wow, you've got it figured
               out.

                         OZ
                   (dismissive)
               Well, I mean, business is okay, and
               lacrosse is awesome, but what am I
               gonna be, a pro lacrosse player?  I
               really have no idea.

                         HEATHER
               Oh thank God, I thought I was the only
               one.

                         OZ
               Well, you're not.  Oil and vinegar?

                         HEATHER
               Yeah.  You know, people are always
               like, "What're you gonna major in?"
               And I don't know.  And they're like,
               "You'll figure it out."  Yeah?  When?

                         OZ
               I know.  Salt and pepper?

                         HEATHER
               Sure.

     Oz cuts the sub in half with a flourish and puts it on a
     tray.

                         HEATHER (CONT'D)
               So we're gonna be close next year?

                         OZ
               You -- oh, you mean -- yeah, East
               Lansing and Ann Arbor.

                         HEATHER
                   (smiles)
               ...yeah.

     A beat...a little uncomfortable, but nice.

                         OZ
               Wanna swap your chips for cookies?

     EXT. SUBWAY - NIGHT - LATER

     The remains of a couple subs are on a table.  Oz and
     Heather are doing their song...it's rough, but they're
     working through it.  And when they're in sync, they sound
     really good together.  We SLOWLY PULL BACK as they sing
     into the night.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MURAL STAIRCASE - DAY

     A GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH talks to Stifler.

                         GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
               I'm sorry, I really can't go with
               you...I'm holding out for someone
               else.

                         STIFLER
               You gotta be fucking kidding.

                         GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
               I know it's a long shot, but I figure
               Paul Finch might ask me.

                         STIFLER
               FINCH?  SHITBREAK?!!

                         GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
               Oh gosh, I forgot -- you uh, you look
               okay...I mean you can't even tell...

     Flustered, she heads down the stairs.  Stifler, entirely
     confused, heads off into the second floor.  As the Girl
     Holding Out For Finch descends, Kevin catches up with
     her.

                         KEVIN
               Hey...what was that all about?

                         GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
               He's still embarrassed because Finch
               kicked his ass.  Knocked out a tooth,
               but you can't see it.

                         KEVIN
               Right, and who told you that?

     EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD - DAY

     Kevin is talking to GRETA.  She points offscreen.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - LIBRARY - DAY

     Kevin is talking to SOME CHICK.  Taking notes.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - OUTDOOR MURAL - DAY

     Kevin is talking to YET ANOTHER GIRL.  We see that his
     notepad is a spiderweb of girl's names, all interlinked
     with arrows.  They all point to one girl's name in the
     center of the page -- Jessica.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

     Kevin follows Jessica down the cafeteria line.

                         JESSICA
               No comment.

                         KEVIN
               No comment?!  Are you kidding me?!
               I've never seen someone's image change
               so...so drastically!

                         JESSICA
               Thanks.  It was my idea.

                         KEVIN
               Did you guys hook up or something?

                         JESSICA
               Are you kidding?  No.

                         KEVIN
               Then what the hell are you talking
               about?

                         JESSICA
               Well...I guess it's okay for me to
               tell you now.  That reputation of his
               isn't going anywhere.
                   (then)
               Finch comes to me and says, "Jessica,
               I need help with this, blah blah,
               etcetera."  So I told him, pay me two-
               hundred bucks, and I'll tell a couple
               girls that you're dynamite in bed.  So
               he did, and I did.

                         KEVIN
               I don't get it, that really works?

                         JESSICA
               Duh.  Of course.  Naturally, I
               embellished a little bit.  Hey, did
               you hear that Finch had sex with an
               older woman?

     Kevin is speechless.

                         JESSICA (CONT'D)
               No?  Damn, that one was my favorite.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - GUY'S SHOWERS/LOCKER ROOM - DAY

     Toweled guys exit the steamy showers, doing a macho GREAT
     FALLS LACROSSE CHANT.  They exit frame, and we remain on
     the showers, to hear --

                         OZ
                   (singing happily)
               ...I needed the shelter of someone's
               arms...there you were -- woo-hoo-
               hoo...

     He exits in a towel and goes to his locker, next to
     Stifler.

                         OZ (CONT'D)
                   (still singing)
               ...I needed someone to understand my
               ups and my downs, oh baby there you
               were...

     Stifler is staring at Oz, horrified.

                         STIFLER
               Oh my fucking God.  You're gay.

                         OZ
                   (cheery)
               Come on, you know the words, sing
               along.

                         STIFLER
               No thanks, you've been singing that
               shit all week.  If you try that at MSU
               this Saturday, I'm pretending I don't
               know you.

     Oz stops.

                         OZ
               Our last game is this Saturday.

                         STIFLER
               No shit.

     EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - COURTYARD, A BENCH - LATER

     Heather is studying outside.  Oz stands before her,
     breathless, his hair still wet.

                         OZ
               ...I've got this lacrosse game.  It's
               really important, it's our last game.
               And you know, Central almost beat us
               last time, so I really want to kick
               their ass, and it's like cool because
               we're gonna get to play at State,
               which means that after the game I
               might be able to stop by...

                         HEATHER
                   (pause)
               You can't sing at the competition.

                         OZ
               I'm sorry, I totally spaced.  I
               just...I didn't realize it...

                         HEATHER
                   (upset but trying to be cool)
               ...it's okay, you should do whatever
               makes you happy.

                         OZ
               Alright...yeah...thanks for
               understanding.
                   (a beat)
               So I guess...I'll see you later.

     An uncomfortable moment.  Oz walks off.  Heather looks
     let down.

     EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - ENTRANCE TO SENIOR LOCKERS - DAY

     Kevin is at his locker, getting ready for class.  Stifler
     comes running up with a wicked grin on his face.

                         STIFLER
               Kevin!  You seen Shitbreak lately?

                         KEVIN
                   (immediately sensing danger)
               Oh no, Stifler, what did you do?

                         STIFLER
               Me?  Nothing.  I'm the one whose ass
               he kicked.
                   (off Kevin's look)
               I'll tell you one thing, though.  I
               don't think he's gonna have a problem
               shitting in school anymore.

     Stifler pulls out an empty bottle of PRESCRIPTION
     LAXATIVE, maniacally LAUGHING.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - CAFETERIA - DAY

     Finch is sitting at a table, reading his paper.  Kevin
     comes tearing around the corner and runs up to him.

                         KEVIN
               Finch!  Get to the bathroom!  Now!

                         FINCH
               Easy, tiger.  What's in there?

                         KEVIN
               Just go!

                         FINCH
               Why is this?

                         KEVIN
               You're gonna shit your pants!

                         FINCH
               Charming.

                         KEVIN
               Finch, listen -- Stifler slipped some
               sort of laxative in your Mocash-chino
               or whatever.  It's fast acting.  I
               mean really fast.

                         FINCH
               First of all, it's Mochaccino, and
               secondly...Oohhhh!

     Finch jumps up and sprints down the hallway.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - CONTINUING

     We FOLLOW with Finch.  We see Stifler down the hall,
     holding open the bathroom door like a pleasant doorman.

                         STIFLER
               This way, sit.

     Finch darts into the bathroom.  Stifler LAUGHS
     hysterically.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

     Finch leaps into a stall and slams the door behind him.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

     Finch has stopped.  He's staring down at the toilet.  It
     looks entirely uninviting.  But he's straining,
     struggling, starting to dance around, moaning as he
     cramps up.

     He grabs a length of toilet paper and lines the seat with
     it.  Then another, and another.  Sweat drips off his
     forehead.

                         FINCH
               Come on come on come on...

     He's got the seat lined with at least three layers of
     toilet paper.  Notices a spot where there's still bare
     toilet seat.  He tears off one square of toilet paper,
     placing it on the spot.  He steps back and looks it over,
     still wriggling to contain his bowels.

                         FINCH (CONT'D)
               Okay.  You can do this.

     He unbuckles his pants.  Sits down -- just as we hear
     someone enter the bathroom.  Finch, still restraining,
     listens for a moment...only to hear the CLICK-CLICK-CLICK
     of heels.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - MAIN HALL - DAY

     The bathroom door swings closed to reveal the universal
     symbol for "Women."  Stifler is there, LAUGHING even
     harder.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM STALL - DAY

     Finch is terrified.  Through the crack between the stall
     door and the frame, Finch catches glimpses of bright
     colored skirts and dresses.  He grits his teeth,
     straining.

     And a GURGLE comes from Finch's stomach.  His eyes bulge.

     INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - BATHROOM - DAY

     A GROUP OF GIRLS is at the mirror, including the Girl
     Holding Out for Finch, fixing their hair.

                         GIRL HOLDING OUT FOR FINCH
               You know it's just gonna be some
               crappy band and stupid decorations.

                         GIRL #2