An American Werewolf in Paris

andy

But.... I don't remember anything, I swear...

leduc

(sternly)

I leave these open. Maybe something comes back to you.

He leaves the room. The technician leaves too. Andy's alone, staring at the corpses. Through the window, he can see Leduc arguing loudly with his superior... Andy tries to breath deeply, calm down. He turns back to look at Amy's corpse. Suddenly, her eyes - well, her eye - snaps open and looks straight at him!

amy

Thanks for the lovely evening, shithead!

andy

Aaaaa! Jesus! This isn't happening. I'm still hallucinating. Shit!

Andy storms around in a fit of disbelief.

amy

You really know how to show a girl a good time, don't you?

OUTSIDE THE ROOM

Leduc and the Chief have stopped their argument briefly to watch Andy stomping around, gesturing wildly. They resume their argument.

chief

(French)

Okay. So he's weird. Maybe on drugs. Still, that's not-

leduc

I'm telling you. It's not drugs. It's something more. Someth-

chief

Don't give me your black magic bullshit! Seven mutilations in forty eight hours and all you find is a scrawny American boy? Do you have a motive?

(Leduc hesitates)

Do you have a weapon? Or do you want me to believe he did it with his own two hands?

leduc

(exasperated)

I told you. These murders are not normal.

The Chief rolls his eyes, "here we go again" style. Meanwhile,

INSIDE THE ROOM

Andy is still pacing the room madly.

amy

Face it boyfriend. This is really happening.

andy

No it isn't! You're dead!

Marcel comes to life and peeks over the top of his drawer.

marcel

I'm afraid she's not so lucky. She's undead. And so am I.

andy

Aaaaa!!! Get the fuck away from me!

marcel

What are you so damn angry about? Did somebody turn into a wild beast and rip your intestines out? Huh?

aMy

I spent four years on StairMaster for this bod and you rip through it like a pork chop. Thanks.

Andy blinks hard. Every time he opens his eyes, Marcel and Amy are still there, hideous as ever, staring at him.

andy

Okay... dead or undead... what do you want from me?

AMY

A-duh... You're a werewolf. And we, as your victims, have to walk the earth until your curse is lifted.

andy

Uh huh... And, supposing I believed that, what could I do about it?

amy/marcel

(together)

Kill yourself.

amy

It's the only way.

marcel

It's not so hard. I used to think about it all the time. Maybe you should meet my wife.

Andy buries his head in his hands.

OUTSIDE THE ROOM

chief

Enough. Cut him loose.

leduc

I can't! At midnight tonight, he will kill again. It's crazy!

chief

Are you crazy? We have nothing. Let him go, then watch him. If you're right, you can pick him up at midnight. Or maybe he'll lead you to the others. Just let him go.

The chief leaves. Leduc scowls. He looks in at Andy, still gesticulating wildly and talking to thin air. Leduc reenters the room and looks at Andy bitterly.

leduc

You're free to go.

Andy looks from Leduc to the drawers and back again.

andy

Me?

Leduc gives him an angry stare.

cut to:

EXT. ILE DE LA CITE - DAY

Andy walks past Notre Dame, flanked by Marcel and Amy.

marcel

Hanging is nice. Never goes out of style. What about hare-kare- a taste of the Orient? But no! You're in Paris! Try the Guillotine! There's one in the Louvre!

AMY

I'd use pills. They're painless.

MARCEL

Oh give me a break! He could use pills back in America! Why not get a little culture?

Andy stops in his tracks- overwhelmed, desperate.

ANDY

Look, I didn't mean to hurt anybody... God, I didn't mean to... to...

AMY

Rip my face off? Hey, we all make mistakes. Hell, I didn't mean to sleep with you on the first night, especially without a condom. But I did, and now I'm paying the price.

Andy slumps over, beaten. Amy puts her arm around him. Marcel pats him on the back. They start him walking along.

marcel

Let's face it. It's a, how do you say... mother-fucker. But we're all in it together. That's why we're trying to help you.

amy

Exactly.

HOOOOONNNNK!! Andy looks up to see a speeding bus about to flatten him. Amy and Marcel have lead him into traffic. He jumps back and the bus just grazes him. Of course, it passes right through Amy and Marcel. They're still standing there when it's gone .

marcel

Merde! Just missed!

amy

(to Andy)

Uhh! Would you die already!

Andy's adrenaline is pumping. There's still some fight in him.

ANDY

Fuck you! If I'm gonna kill myself I'll do it when I'm good and ready!

You can go to hell!

marcel

No we can't. That's the problem. God knows it would beat hanging around with you!

Andy socks Marcel and breaks his jaw- off. It skitters off into the street. He punches him in the gut- SKLURCH! His fist gets stuck in the tangle of Marcel's abdominal organs.

While Andy tries to pull his hand free, Amy rears back and kicks him in the balls. He wrenches his hand loose and staggers back, clutching his groin.

ANDY

Hey, you can't kick me! You're an apparition!

AMY

What, all of a sudden you got a degree in supernatural law?

Marcel fits his jaw back into place.

marcel

Call it the power of suggestion.

He socks Andy in the mouth. Andy shakes it off, rips Marcel's arm off, bashes him in the face with it, then turns around and uses it to beat Amy over the head. Meanwhile...

IN AN UNMARKED POLICE CAR PARKED A HALF BLOCK AWAY

RENE and FRANCOIS, the two cops who accompanied Le Duc to Andy's apartment, watch Andy whirl around the sidewalk, swinging wildly at the air, reacting to invisible blows, and cursing unseen enemies.

RENE

(French)

You know, in his own way, he's probably happier than any of us.

Francois nods philosophically. Meanwhile, back in Andy's reality...

Marcel has got him in a full Nelson and Amy is punching him in the stomach. He bucks forward, wrenching both of Marcel's arms off and slams them together onto Amy's head, knocking her down. Andy waves Marcel's arms in triumph.

andy

Ha-ha!

amy

Oh, big man. You can beat up a couple of cadavers. Well let me make something real clear, asshole. If you don't kill yourself, at midnight tonight you're gonna transform and murder innocent people!

MARCEL

What are you going to be, McDermott? A coward and a murderer? Or a man, with guts enough to do the right thing?

The truth of this question hits home with Andy. A heavy expression falls over his face, one of grave sadness, but also inner dignity. He breathes deeply and exhales.

andy

Alright. Let me write a letter.

MARCEL

Good man. Now can I have my arms back?

cut to:

EXT. NEWS STAND - DAY

Music cue: Thelonius Monk's "Round Midnight". The NEWS STAND MAN hands Andy some stamps. Andy sticks them on a letter addressed to Mr. and Mrs. William McDermott. He starts walking away but a postcard in the display rack catches his eye- it's Rodin's " The Kiss". He looks at it sadly.

A MAILBOX

Andy drops the letter in the box. He walks to a pay phone on the sidewalk. Amy and Marcel lean on a nearby building, watching Andy dial. Terrence's answering machine picks up.

terrEnce's machine (o.s.)

(French)

Hey. This is Terrence. Please leave a message at the beep...

(CONTINUED...)

TERRENCE'S MACHINE (CONT'd)

(English)

In other words, this is Terrence McDermott. Please leave a message.

(it BEEPS)

Andy

Hey, Serafine, I hope you're checking these. It's Andy. So I guess you knew what was wrong with me yesterday. Unfortunately it took me until today to realize it, and because of that two people are dead. If you didn't know, well, shit, it's irrel evant now. I know what I have to do, but before I do it I just wanted to say... I don't know what would've happened with us, but I'm really glad I had the chance to know you even if it was only a couple of days and...I don't know... I probably wouldn't ha ve the nerve to say this if I was gonna see you again, but I think if I had the chance to kiss you one more time I would've fallen totally in love with you.

INT. TERRENCE'S APT. - SAME TIME

The door opens, Serafine enters and runs to the machine.

andy (On machine)

Oh well... Bye Serafine.

Serafine snatches the phone off the receiver just as Andy hangs up. She gets a dial tone. She's very upset.

serafine

Merde!

ON THE SIDEWALK

Amy and Marcel watch Andy hang up in the phone booth. The emotion of the moment is getting to Amy.

amy

Geez, I feel bad for him. Maybe we should've told him abou-

marcel

Are you crazy!? You know that's totally impractical. Besides, like the Bible says...

(he sticks his finger in her

empty eye socket)

An eye for an eye...

Amy nods. Andy exits the phone booth and approaches them. "Round Midnight" fades out.

andy

Let's do it.

cut to:

EXT. ESPLANADE - DAY

Andy drains the last of a bottle of Jack Daniel's and wobbles along, totally smashed and a bit wistful, with Amy and Marcel in tow.

andy

What the hell, lots of my heroes killed themselves. Hemingway, Van Gogh... um...Herve Villachaise...

marcel

But this is class kid, all the way. What a way to go.

amy

You got style, babe. That's why I went for you in the first place.

WIDE SHOT

They're approaching the Eiffel tower.

andy

When they ask how I died, just tell 'em... Ei-ffel.

THE COPS

sit in their car, watching Andy buy his ticket and get into the elevator.

francois

(French)

Should we follow him up?

rene

Well, he's gotta come down some time. Fuck it, let's grab a bite.

francois

Good thinking.

cut to:

INT. PATISSERIE - DAY

It's a typical Parisian bakery, stuffed to the ceiling with an unbelievable array of the finest, most delectable pastries. Rene steps to the counter.

rene

Vous avez les doughnuts?

cut to:

EXT. EIFFEL TOWER OBSERVATION DECK - DAY

We're looking at the elevator doors. They open. Andy strides out onto the deck, through the milling TOURISTS, flanked by Marcel and Amy.

ANDY

There's only one thing certain in life- each of us owes God a death.

Proud, determined, Andy arrives at the six foot wire mesh fence and quickly scales it. Amy and Marcel follow. Nearby tourists are alarmed and a clamor of concern rises up. Those with camcorders jockey for position.

andy (cont'd)

All we can do is make sure it's a good one.

Andy gets over the fence and stands on the small ledge. Amy and Marcel join him. The tourists gasp. Andy glances down at THE PRECIPITOUS DROP. He turns suddenly pale.

andy

Shit. I feel sick.

marcel

Don't worry. In a few seconds you won't feel a thing.

andy

Puking on yourself in midair is not a good death.

AMY

Look, the more you think about it, the harder it is.

MARCEL

Just like sex with my wife.

amy

The key is don't look down.

marcel

Also like sex with my wife.

AMY

(to Marcel)

Would you shut up?

Andy looks woozy. Tourists are trying to dissuade him in Italian, Japanese, Icelandic, etc. Marcel tries a new tack.

marcel

Tell you what, we'll jump together.