ANNIE HALL

ANNIE HALL 

written by

Woody Allen

Marshall Brickman　

(Sound and Woody Allen monologue begin)

FADE IN:

White credits dissolve in and out on black screen. No sound.

FADE OUT: credits　

FADE IN:

Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy monologue. He

wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless shirt; the background is stark.

ALVY

There's an old joke. Uh, two elderly

women are at a Catskills mountain

resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the

food at this place is really terrible."

The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and

such ... small portions." Well, that's

essentially how I feel about life. Full

of loneliness and misery and suffering

and unhappiness, and it's all over much

too quickly. The-the other important

joke for me is one that's, uh, usually

attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think

it appears originally in Freud's wit and

its relation to the unconscious. And it

goes like this-I'm paraphrasing: Uh ...

"I would never wanna belong to any club

that would have someone like me for a

member." That's the key joke of my adult

life in terms of my relationships with

women. Tsch, you know, lately the

strangest things have been going

through my mind, 'cause I turned forty,

tsch, and I guess I'm going through a

life crisis or something, I don't know.

I, uh ... and I'm not worried about aging.

I'm not one o' those characters, you know.

Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's

about the worst you can say about me. I,

uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get

older, you know? I think I'm gonna be the-

the balding virile type, you know, as

opposed to say the, uh, distinguished

gray, for instance, you know? 'Less I'm

neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o'

those guys with saliva dribbling out of

his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria

with a shopping bag screaming about

socialism.

(Sighing)

Annie and I broke up and I-I still can't

get my mind around that. You know, I-I

keep sifting the pieces of the relationship

through my mind and-and examining my life

and tryin' to figure out where did the

screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we

were... tsch, in love. You know, and-and-and

... And it's funny, I'm not-I'm not a

morose type. I'm not a depressive character.

I-I-I, uh,

(Laughing)

you know, I was a reasonably happy kid,

I guess. I was brought up in Brooklyn

during World War II.

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE-DAY

Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa with his mother in an old-fashioned,

cluttered doctor's office. The doctor stands near the sofa, holding a

cigarette and listening.

MOTHER

(To the doctor)

He's been depressed. All off a sudden,

he can't do anything.

DOCTOR

(Nodding)

Why are you depressed, Alvy?

MOTHER

(Nudging Alvy)

Tell Dr. Flicker.

(Young Alvy sits, his head down. His

mother answers for him)

It's something he read.

DOCTOR

(Puffing on his cigarette and

nodding)

Something he read, huh?

ALVY

(His head still down)

The universe is expanding.

DOCTOR

The universe is expanding?

ALVY

(Looking up at the doctor)

Well, the universe is everything, and if

it's expanding, someday it will break apart

and that would be the end of everything!

Disgusted, his mother looks at him.

MOTHER

(shouting)

What is that your business?

(she turns back to the doctor)

He stopped doing his homework.

ALVY

What's the point?

MOTHER

(Excited, gesturing with her hands)

What has the universe got to do with it?

You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not

expanding!

DOCTOR

(Heartily, looking down at Alvy)

It won't be expanding for billions of years

yet, Alvy. And we've gotta try to enjoy

ourselves while we're here. Uh?

He laughs.

CUT TO:

Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster ride built over it.

A line of cars move up and then slides with great speed while out the window

of the house a band shakes a dust mop.

ALVY'S VOICE

My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood

memories, but I swear I was brought up

underneath the roller-

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE

Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and reading a comic book while

his father sits on the sofa reading the paper. The house shakes with every

move of the roller coaster.

ALVY'S VOICE

-coaster in the Coney Island section of

Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my

personality, which is a little nervous, I

think.

CUT TO:

Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three military men

representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines arm in arm with a blond woman

in a skirted bathing suit. They all turn and run toward the foreground. The

girl stops before the camera to lean over and throw a kiss. The sign over the

concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam Bar. Ice Cold Beer, "and the roller

coaster is moving in full gear in the background.

ALVY'S VOICE

You know, I have a hyperactive imagination.

My mind tends to jump around a little, and

have some trouble between fantasy and reality.

CUT TO:

Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping into each other

as Alvy father stands in the center of the track directing traffic.

ALVY'S VOICE

My father ran the bumper-car concession.

(Alvy as a child moves into the frame

driving a bumper car. He stops as other

cars bombard him. His father continues

to direct the traffic)

There-there he is and there I am. But I-I-I-I

used to get my aggression out through those

cars all the time.

Alvy backs up his car off screen.

INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY

The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers standing in front of the

blackboard. The chalk writing on the board changes as each teacher lectures.

While Alvy speaks, one of the male teachers puts an equation on the blackboard.

- "2 X 10 = 20 " and other arithmetic formulas.

ALVY'S VOICE

I remember the staff at our public

school. You know, we had a saying, uh,

that "Those who can't do, teach, and

those who can't teach, teach gym." And

...uh, h'h, of course, those who couldn't

do anything, I think, were assigned to

our school. I must say-

CUT TO:

A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned schoolroom. The

blackboard behind her reads "Transportation Administration. The camera pans

her point of view: a group of young students sitting behind their desks. Alvy

as a child sits in a center desk wile all around him there is student activity;

there is note-passing, ruler-tapping, nose-picking, gumchewing.

ALVY'S VOICE

I always felt my schoolmates were idiots.

Melvyn Greenglass, you know, fat little

face, and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss

Perfect all the time. And-and Ivan

Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always.

Ivan stands up behind his desk.

IVAN

Seven and three is nine.

Alvy hits his forehead with his hand. Another student glances over at him,

reacting.

ALVY'S VOICE

Even then I knew they were just jerks.

(The camera moves back to the teacher,

who is glaring out at her students)

In nineteen forty-two I had already dis-

As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and kiss a young girl.

She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing her cheek, as Alvy moves back to

his seat.

1ST GIRL

(Making noises)

Ugh, he kissed me, he kissed me.

TEACHER

(Off screen)

That's the second time this month! Step

up here!

As the teacher, really glaring now, speaks, Alvy rises from his seat and moves

over to her. Angry, she points with her band while the students turn their

heads to watch what will happen next.

ALVY

What'd I do?

TEACHER

Step up here!

ALVY

What'd I do?

TEACHER

You should be ashamed of yourself.

The students, their heads still turned, look back at Alvy, now an adult,

sitting in the last seat of the second row.

ALVY (AS ADULT)

(First off screen, then onscreen as

camera moves over to the back of the

classroom)

Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual

curiosity.

TEACHER

(The younger, Alvy standing next to her)

Six-year-old boys don't have girls on

their minds.

ALVY (AS ADULT)

(Still sitting in the back of

the classroom)

I did.

The girl the young Alvy kissed turns to the older Alvy, she gestures and

speaks.

1ST GIRL

For God's sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks

of a latency period.

ALVY (AS ADULT)

(Gesturing)

Well, I never had a latency period. I

can't help it.

TEACHER

(With young, Alvy still at her side)

Why couldn't you have been more like Donald?

(The camera pans over to Donald,

sitting up tall in his seat, then

back to the teacher)

Now, there was a model boy!

ALVY (AS CHILD)

(Still standing next to the teacher)

Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.

DONALD

I run a profitable dress company.

ALVY'S VOICE

Right. Sometimes I wonder where my

classmates are today.

The camera shows the full classroom, the students sitting behind their desks,

the teacher standing in the front of the room. One at a time, the young

students rise u from their desks and speak.

1ST BOY

I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.

2ND BOY

I sell tallises.

3RD BOY

I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a

methadone addict.

2ND GIRL

I'm into leather.

INT. ROOM

Close-up of a TV screen showing Alvy as an adult on a talk show. He sits next

to the show, host, Dick Cavett, a Navy man sits on his right. Static is heard

throughout the dialogue.

ALVY

I lost track of most of my old schoolmates,

but I wound up a comedian. They did not take

me in the Army. I was, uh ... Interestingly

enough, I was-I was four-P.

Sounds of TV audience laughter and applause are heard.

DICK CAVETT

Four-P?

ALVY

Yes. In-in-in-in the event of war, I'm a

hostage.

More audience laughter joined by Dick Cavett and the naval officer.

INT. THE HOUSE WHERE ALVY GREW UP

Alvy's mother sits at the old-fashioned dining-room table peeling carrots and

talking as she looks off screen.

MOTHER

You always only saw the worst in people.

You never could get along with anyone at

school. You were always outta step with the

world. Even when you got famous, you still

distrusted the world.'

EXT. MANHATTAN STREET-DAY

A pretty Manhattan street with sidewalk trees, brownstones, a school; people

mill about, some strolling and carrying bundles, others buried. The screen

shows the whole length of the sidewalk, a street, and part of the sidewalk

beyond. As the following scene ensues, two pedestrians, indistinguishable in

the distance, come closer and closer toward the camera, recognizable, finally,

as Alvy and his best friend, Rob, deep in conversation. They eventually move

past the camera and off screen. Traffic noise is heard in the background.

ALVY

I distinctly heard it. He muttered under

his breath, "Jew."

ROB

You're crazy!

ALVY

No, I'm not. We were walking off the

tennis court, and you know, he was there

and me and his wife, and he looked at her

and then they both looked at me, and under

his breath he said, "Jew."

ROB

Alvy, you're a total paranoid.

ALVY

Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on

those kind o' things. You know, I was

having lunch with some guys from NBC, so

I said ... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?"

and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?"

Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not

did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it?

Jew eat?

ROB

Ah, Max, you, uh ...

ALVY

Stop calling me Max.

ROB

Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max,

you see conspiracies in everything.

ALVY

No, I don't! You know, I was in a record

store. Listen to this -so I know there's

this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and

he's lookin' at me in a funny way and

smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a

sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max,

Wagner-so I know what he's really tryin'

to tell me very significantly Wagner.

ROB

Right, Max. California, Max.

ALVY

Ah.

ROB

Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.

ALVY

Forget it, Max.

ROB

-we move to sunny L.A. All of show business

is out there, Max.

ALVY

No, I cannot. You keep bringing it up, but

I don't wanna live in a city where the only

cultural advantage is that you can make a

right turn on a red light.

ROB

(Checking his watch)

Right, Max, forget it. Aren't you gonna be

late for meeting Annie?

ALVY

I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman.

I think I have a few minutes left. Right?

EXT. BEEKMAN THEATER-DAY

Alvy stands in front of glass doors of theater, the ticket taker behind him

just inside the glass doors. The sounds of city traffic, car horns honking,

can be heard while he looks around waiting for, Annie. A man in a black leather

jacket, walking past the theater, stops in front of, Alvy. He looks at him,

then moves away. He stops a few steps farther and turns around to look at Alvy

again. Alvy looks away, then back at the man. The man continues to stare.

Alvy scratches his head, looking for Annie and trying not to notice the man.

The man, still staring, walks back to Alvy.

1ST MAN

Hey, you on television?

ALVY

(Nodding his head)

No. Yeah, once in a while. You know,

like occasionally.

1ST MAN

What's your name?

ALVY

(Clearing his throat)

You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter.

What's the difference?

1ST MAN

You were on ... uh, the ... uh, the Johnny

Carson, right?

ALVY

Once in a while, you know. I mean, you

know, every now-

1ST MAN

What's your name?

Alvy is getting more and more uneasy as the man talks; more and more people

move through the doors of the theater.

ALVY

(Nervously)

I'm ... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford.

1ST MAN

(Laughing)

Come on.

ALVY

Alvy Singer. It was nice nice ... Thanks

very much ... for everything.

They shake hands and Alvy pats the man's arm. The man in turn looks over his

shoulder and motions to another man. All excited now, he points to Alvy and

calls out. Alvy looks impatient.

1ST MAN

Hey!

2ND MAN

(Off screen)

What?

1ST MAN

This is Alvy Singer!

ALVY

Fellas ... you know-Jesus! Come on!

1ST MAN

(Overlapping, ignoring Alvy)

This guy's on television! Alvy

Singer, right? Am I right?

ALVY

(Overlapping 1st man)

Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break.

Jesus Christ!

1ST MAN

(Still ignoring Alvy's protestations)

This guy's on television.

ALVY

I need a large polo mallet!

2ND MAN

(Moving into the screen)

Who's on television?

1ST MAN

This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.

ALVY

(Annoyed)

Fellas, what is this-a meeting o' the

teamsters? You know.. .

2ND MAN

(Also ignoring Alvy)

What program?

1ST MAN

(Holding out a matchbook)

Can I have your autograph?

ALVY

You don't want my autograph.

1ST MAN

(Overlapping, Alvy's speech)

Yeah, I do. It's for my girl friend.

Make it out to Ralph.

ALVY

(Taking the matchbook and pen and

writing)

Your girl friend's name is Ralph?

1ST MAN

It's for my brudder.

(To passersby)

Alvy Singer! Hey! This is Alvy-

2ND MAN

(To Alvy, overlapping 1st man's speech)

You really Alvy Singer, the ... the

TV star?

Nodding his head yes, Alvy shoves 2nd man aside and moves to the curb of the

sidewalk. The two men follow, still talking over the traffic noise.

1ST MAN

-Singer!

2ND MAN

Alvy Singer over here!

A cab moves into the frame and stops by the curb. Alvy moves over to it about

to get in.

ALVY

(Overlapping the two men and

stuttering)

I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas.

(As Alvy opens the cab door, the

two men still behind him, Annie

gets out)

Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of

the Panama Canal?

ANNIE

(Overlapping Alvy)

Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood, okay?

Annie closes the cab door and she and Alvy move over to the ticket booth of

the theater as they continue to talk.

ALVY