ANNIE HALL

Bad mood? I'm standing with the cast of

"The Godfather."

ANNIE

You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.

ALVY

Deal! I'm dealing with two guys named

Cheech!

ANNIE

Okay.

(They move into the ticket line,

still talking. A billboard next to

them reads "INGMAR BERGMAN'S 'FACE

TO FACE ,'LIV ULLMANN")

Please, I have a headache, all right?

ALVY

Hey, you are in a bad mood. You-you-

you must be getting your period.

ANNIE

I'm not getting my period. Jesus, every

time anything out of the ordinary happens,

you think that I'm getting my period!

They move over to the ticket counter, people in front of them buying tickets

and walking off screen.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

A li-little louder. I think one of them

may have missed it!

(To the ticket clerk)

H'm, has the picture started yet?

TICKET CLERK

It started two minutes ago.

ALVY

(Hitting his hand on the counter)

That's it! Forget it! I-I can't go in.

ANNIE

Two minutes, Alvy.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie)

No, I'm sorry, I can't do it. We-we've

blown it already. I-you know, uh, I-I

can't go in in the middle.

ANNIE

In the middle?

(Alvy nods his head yes and let's

out an exasperated sigh)

We'll only miss the titles. They're in

Swedish.

ALVY

You wanna get coffee for two hours or

something? We'll go next-

ANNIE

Two hours? No, u-uh, I'm going in.

I'm going in.

She moves past the ticket clerk.

ALVY

(Waving to Annie)

Go ahead. Good-bye.

Annie moves back to Alvy and takes his arm.

ANNIE

Look, while we're talking we could be

inside, you know that?

ALVY

(Watching people with tickets move

past them)

Hey, can we not stand here and argue in

front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.

ANNIE

Alright. All right, all right, so whatta

you wanna do?

ALVY

I don't know now. You-you wanna go to

another movie?

(Annie nods her head and shrugs

her shoulders disgustedly as Alvy,

gesturing with his band, looks at

her)

So let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.

ANNIE

Oh, come on, we've seen it. I'm not in

the mood to see a four-hour documentary

on Nazis.

ALVY

Well, I'm sorry, I-I can't ... I-I-I've

gotta see a picture exactly from the start

to the finish, 'cause-'cause I'm anal.

ANNIE

(Laughing now)

H'h, that's a polite word for what you are.

INT. THEATER LOBBY.

A lined-up crowd of ticket holders waiting to get into the theater, Alvy and

Annie among them. A bum of indistinct chatter can be heard through the ensuing

scene.

MAN IN LINE

(Loudly to his companion right

behind Alvy and Annie)

We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.

It is not one of his best. It lacks a

cohesive structure. You know, you get

the feeling that he's not absolutely sure

what it is he wants to say. 'Course, I've

always felt he was essentially a-a technical

film maker. Granted, La Strada was a great

film. Great in its use of negative energy

more than anything else. But that simple

cohesive core ...

Alvy, reacting to the man's loud monologue, starts to get annoyed, while Annie

begins to read her newspaper.

ALVY

(Overlapping the man's speech)

I'm-I'm-I'm gonna have a stroke.

ANNIE

(Reading)

Well, stop listening to him.

MAN IN LINE

(Overlapping Alvy and Annie)

You know, it must need to have had its

leading from one thought to another.

You know what I'm talking about?

ALVY

(Sighing)

He's screaming his opinions in my ear.

MAN IN LINE

Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or

Satyricon, I found it incredibly ...

indulgent. You know, he really is. He's

one of the most indulgent film makers. He

really is-

ALVY

(Overlapping)

Key word here is "indulgent."

MAN IN LINE

(Overlapping)

-without getting ... well, let's put it

this way ...

ALVY

(To Annie, who is still reading,

overlapping the man in line who is

still talking)

What are you depressed about?

ANNIE

I missed my therapy. I overslept.

ALVY

How can you possibly oversleep?

ANNIE

The alarm clock.

ALVY

(Gasping)

You know what a hostile gesture that is

to me?

ANNIE

I know-because of our sexual problem,

right?

ALVY

Hey, you ... everybody in line at the

New Yorker has to know our rate of

intercourse?

MAN IN LINE

- It's like Samuel Beckett, you know-

I admire the technique but he doesn't ...

he doesn't hit me on a gut level.

ALVY

(To Annie)

I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.

The man in line continues his speech all the while Alvy and Annie talk.

ANNIE

Stop it, Alvy!

ALVY

(Wringing his hands)

Well, he's spitting on my neck! You know,

he's spitting on my neck when he talks.

MAN IN LINE

And then, the most important thing of all

is a comedian's vision.

ANNIE

And you know something else? You know,

you're so egocentric that if I miss my

therapy you can think of it in terms of

how it affects you!

MAN IN LINE

(Lighting a cigarette while he talks)

Gal gun-shy is what it is.

ALVY

(Reacting again to the man in line)

Probably on their first date, right?

MAN IN LINE

(Still going on)

It's a narrow view.

ALVY

Probably met by answering an ad in the

New York Review of Books. "Thirtyish

academic wishes to meet woman who's

interested in Mozart, James Joyce and

sodomy."

(He sighs; then to Annie)

Whatta you mean, our sexual problem?

ANNIE

Oh!

ALVY

I-I-I mean, I'm comparatively normal

for a guy raised in Brooklyn.

ANNIE

Okay, I'm very sorry. My sexual problem!

Okay, my sexual problem! Huh?

The man in front of them turns to look at them, then looks away.

ALVY

I never read that. That was-that was

Henry James, right? Novel, uh, the

sequel to Turn of the Screw? My Sexual ...

MAN IN LINE

(Even louder now)

It's the influence of television. Yeah,

now Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms

of it being a-a high, uh, high intensity,

you understand? A hot medium ... as opposed

to a ...

ALVY

(More and more aggravated)

What I wouldn't give for a large sock o'

horse manure.

MAN IN LINE

... as opposed to a print ...

Alvy steps forward, waving his hands in frustration, and stands facing the

camera.

ALVY

(Sighing and addressing the audience)

What do you do when you get stuck in a movie

line with a guy like this behind you? I mean,

it's just maddening!

The man in line moves toward Alvy. Both address the audience now.

MAN IN LINE

Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion?

It's a free country!

ALVY

I mean, d- He can give you- Do you hafta

give it so loud? I mean, aren't you ashamed

to pontificate like that? And-and the funny

part of it is, M-Marshall McLuhan, you don't

know anything about Marshall McLuhan's...work!

MAN IN LINE

(Overlapping)

Wait a minute! Really? Really? I happen to

teach a class at Columbia called "TV Media

and Culture"! So I think that my insights

into Mr. McLuhan-well, have a great deal of

validity.

ALVY

Oh, do yuh?

MAN IN LINE

Yes.

ALVY

Well, that's funny, because I happen to

have Mr. McLuhan right here. So ... so,

here, just let me-I mean, all right. Come

over here ... a second.

Alvy gestures to the camera which follows him and the man in line to the back

of the crowded lobby. He moves over to a large stand-up movie poster and

pulls Marshall McLuban from behind the poster.

MAN IN LINE

Oh.

ALVY

(To McLuban)

Tell him.

MCLUHAN

(To the man in line)

I hear-I heard what you were saying.

You-you know nothing of my work. You

mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How you

ever got to teach a course in anything is

totally amazing.

ALVY

(To the camera)

Boy, if life were only like this!

INT. THEATER. A CLOSE-UP OF THE SCREEN SHOWING FACES OF GERMAN SOLDIERS.

Credits appear over the faces of the soldiers.

THE SORROW AND THE PITY

CINEMA 5 LTD., 1972

MARCEL OPHULS, ANDRE HARRIS, 1969

Chronicle of a French town during the Occupation

NARRATOR'S VOICE

(Over credits and soldiers)

June fourteenth, nineteen forty, the

German army occupies Paris. All over

the country, people are desperate for

every available scrap of news.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT

Annie is sitting up in bed reading.

ALVY

(Off screen)

Boy, those guys in the French Resistance

were really brave, you know? Got to listen

to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.

ANNIE

M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself

how I'd stand up under torture.

ALVY

(Off screen)

You? You kiddin'?

(He moves into the frame, lying across

the bed to touch, Annie, who makes a

face)

If the Gestapo would take away your

Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em

everything.

ANNIE

That movie makes me feel guilty.

ALVY

Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.

He starts kissing Annie's arm. She gets annoyed and continues to read.

ANNIE

Alvy, I ...

ALVY

What-what-what-what's the matter?

ANNIE

I-you know, I don't wanna.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie, reacting)

What-what-I don't ... It's not natural!

We're sleeping in a bed together. You

know, it's been a long time.

ANNIE

I know, well, it's just that-you know, I

mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night,

so I have to rest my voice.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie again)

It's always some kind of an excuse. It's-

You know, you used to think that I was

very sexy. What ... When we first started

going out, we had sex constantly ... We're-

we're probably listed in the Guinness Book

of World Records.

ANNIE

(Patting Alvy's band solicitously)

I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll

pass, it's just that I'm going through a

phase, that's all.

ALVY

M'm.

ANNIE

I mean, you've been married before, you

know how things can get. You were very

hot for Allison at first.

CUT TO:

INT. BACK STAGE OF AUDITORIUM - NIGHT.

Allison, clipboard in band, walks about the wings, stopping to talk to various

people. Musicians, performers and technicians mill about, busy with activity.

Allison wears a large "ADLAI" button, as do the people around her. The sounds

of a comedian on the stage of the auditorium can be heard, occasionally,

interrupted by chatter and applause from the off screen audience. Allison

stops to talk to two women; they, too, wear "ADLAI" buttons.

ALLISON

(Looking down at the clipboard)

Ma'am, you're on right after this man ...

about twenty minutes, something like that.

WOMAN

Oh, thank you.

Alvy moves into the frame behind Allison. He taps her on the shoulder; she

turns to face him.

ALVY

(Coughing)

Excuse ... excuse me, when do I go on?

ALLISON

(Looking down at the clipboard)

Who are you?

ALVY

Alvy ... Alvy Singer. I'm a comedian.

ALLISON

Oh, comedian. Yes. Oh, uh ... you're

on next.

ALVY

(Rubbing his hands together

nervously)

What do you mean, next?

ALLISON

(Laughing)

Uh ... I mean you're on right after

this act.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

No, it can't be, because he's a comic.

ALLISON

Yes.

ALVY

So what are you telling me, you're

putting on two comics in a row?

ALLISON

Why not?

ALVY

No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I can't

... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.

ALLISON

It's okay.

ALVY

No, because they're-they're laughing, so

(He starts laughing nervously)

I-I-I'd rather not. If you don't mind,

I prefer-

ALLISON

(Overlapping)

Will you relax, please? They're gonna

love you, I know.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

I prefer not to, because ... look,

they're laughing at him. See, so what

are yuh telling me-

They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.

ALLISON

(Overlapping)

Yes.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-that I've got to ... ah ... ah ...

They're gonna laugh at him for a couple

minutes, then I gotta go out there, I

gotta ... get laughs, too. How much can

they laugh?

(Off screen)

They-they they're laughed out.

ALLISON

(Off screen)

Do you feel all right?

As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts to their point of

view: a comedian standing at a podium in front of huge waving pictures of Adlai

Stevenson. The audience, laughing and clapping, sits at round tables in

clusters around the room.

The camera moves back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage. Alvy is swinging

his hands nervously.

COMEDIAN

(Off screen, onstage)

You know ...

Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the background mill about.

ALVY

(Above the chatter around him)

Look, what's your-what's your name?

COMEDIAN

(Off screen)

... General Eisenhower is not ...

ALLISON

(Looking out at the stage)

Allison.

ALVY

Yeah? Allison what?

ALLISON

(Still looking off screen)

Portchnik.

COMEDIAN

... a group from the ...

ALVY

(Coughing)

Thank you. I-I don't know why they would

have me at this kind of rally 'cause ...

(He clears his throat)

Excuse me, I'm not essentially a political

comedian at all.

The audience starts to laugh.

ALVY

I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ...

a woman in the Eisenhower Administration

... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to

me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I

was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what

Eisenhower has been doing to the country

for the last eight years.

The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch offstage.

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM.

Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing. There are books all over the room;

a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits

on the edge of the bed. Allison looks at him.

ALVY

H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with

this, because it-I can't get it off my

mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!

ALLISON

Well, I'm getting tired of it. I need

your attention.

Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the room,

gesturing with his hands.

ALVY

It-but it-it ... doesn't make any sense.

He drove past the book depository and the

police said conclusively that it was an

exit wound. So-how is it possible for

Oswald to have fired from two angles at

once? It doesn't make sense.

ALLISON

Alvy.

Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs. He then snaps his

fingers and starts walking again.

ALVY

I'll tell you this! He was not marksman

enough to hit a moving target at that

range. But ...

(Clears his throat)

if there was a second assassin ... it-

That's it!

Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison gets up

from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.

ALLISON

We've been through this.

ALVY

If they-they recovered the shells from

that rifle.

ALLISON

(Moving back to the bed and

lighting a cigarette)

Okay. All right, so whatta yuh saying,

now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren

Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?

ALVY

Well, why not?

ALLISON

Yeah, Earl Warren?

ALVY

(Moving toward the bed)

Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.

ALLISON

Lyndon Johnson?

ALVY

(Propping one knee on the bed

and gesturing)

L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a

politician. You know the ethics those

guys have? It's like-uh, a notch

underneath child molester.

ALLISON

Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?

ALVY

(Nodding his head)

Tsch.

ALLISON

The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar

Hoover and oil companies and the

Pentagon and the men's-room attendant

at the White House?

Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts walking

again.

ALVY

I-I-I-I would leave out the men's-room

attendant.

ALLISON

You're using this conspiracy theory as

an excuse to avoid sex with me.

ALVY

Oh, my God!

(Then, to the camera)

She's right! Why did I turn off Allison

Portchnik? She was-she was beautiful. She

was willing. She was real ... intelligent.

(Sighing)

Is it the old Groucho Marx joke? That-that

I-I just don't wanna belong to any club that

would have someone like me for a member?

EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY

Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned exterior of a beach

house in the Hamptons. As they continue to talk, the camera moves inside the

house. Alvy is picking up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters

crawling on the floor. Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of

groceries sit on the counter. There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator.

ANNIE

Alvy, now don't panic. Please.

ALVY

Look, I told you it was a ... mistake

to ever bring a live thing in the house.

ANNIE

Stop it! Don't ... don't do that! There.

The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor. Annie, bolding out a wooden

paddle, tries to shove them onto it.

ALVY

Well, maybe we should just call the police.

Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.

ANNIE

Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for

God's sake.

ALVY

If they're only babies, then you pick

'em up.

ANNIE

Oh, all right. All right! It's all

right. Here.

She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail. Laughing,

she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.

ALVY

Don't give it to me. Don't!

ANNIE

(Hysterically)

Oooh! Here! Here!

ALVY

(Pointing)

Look! Look, one crawled behind the

refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed

at night.

(They move over to the refrigerator;

Alvy moves as close to the wall as

possible as Annie, covering her mouth

and laughing hysterically, teasingly

dangles a lobster in front of him)

Will you get outta here with that thing?

Jesus!

ANNIE

(Laughing, to the lobster)

Get him!

ALVY

(Laughing)

Talk to him. You speak shellfish!

(He moves over to the stove and

takes the lid of a large steamer

filled with boiling water)

Hey, look ... put it in the pot.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I

can't put a live thing in hot water.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What-what's

he think we're gonna do, take him to the

movies?