ANNIE HALL

(Putting down the carton)

Of course.

ALVY

Yeah, bu-bu-but why?

ANNIE

Well, I mean, I'm moving in with you,

that's why.

ALVY

Yeah, but you-you got a nice apartment.

ANNIE

I have a tiny apartment.

ALVY

Yeah, I know it's small.

ANNIE

(Picking up the suitcases and

walking into the bedroom)

That's right, and it's got bad plumbing

and bugs.

ALVY

(Picking up some pictures and

following Annie into the bedroom)

All right, granted, it has bad plumbing

and bugs, but you-you say that like it's a

negative thing. You know, bugs are-are-uh,

entomology is a ...

(Annie, reacting, tosses the

suitcases and some loose clothing

onto the bed. She sits down on the

edge, looking away. Alvy walks in,

pictures and carton in band, still

talking)

... rapidly growing field.

ANNIE

You don't want me to live with you?

ALVY

How- I don't want you to live with me?

How- Whose idea was it?

ANNIE

Mine.

ALVY

Ye-ah. Was it ... It was yours actually,

but, uh, I approved it immediately.

ANNIE

I guess you think that I talked you into

something, huh?

(putting pictures on the mantel)

ALVY

No-what, what ...? I ... we live together,

we sleep together, we eat together. Jesus,

you don't want it to be like we're married,

do yuh?

He moves over to the carton of books on the window seat and reaches in. He

starts tossing books off screen.

ANNIE

(Looking up at Alvy)

How is it any different?

ALVY

(Gesturing)

It's different 'cause you keep your own

apartment.

(Holding a book, he starts walking

around the room)

Because you know it's there, we don't

have to go to it, we don't have to deal

with it, but it's like a-a-a free-floating

life raft ... that we know that we're not

married.

He tosses the book on the bed and walks back to the window seat.

ANNIE

(Still sitting on the bed)

That little apartment is four hundred

dollars a month, Alvy.

ALVY

(Looking at Annie)

That place is four hundred dollars a month?

ANNIE

Yes, it is.

ALVY

(Whistling)

It's-it's got bad plumbing and bugs. Jesus,

I'll-My accountant will write it off as a

tax deduction, I'll pay for it.

ANNIE

(Shaking her head)

You don't think I'm smart enough to be

serious about.

ALVY

Hey, don't be ridiculous.

Alvy moves over to the bed and sits down next to Annie.

ANNIE

Then why are you always pushing me to take

those college courses like I was dumb or

something?

ALVY

(Putting his hand to his forehead)

'Cause adult education's a wonderful thing.

You meet a lotta interesting professors.

You know, it's stimulating.

EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DAY

Annie and Alvy, in Annie's VW, driving to their summerhouse. The camera moves

with them as they pass a house with a lighted window, blooming foliage. There

is no dialogue, but it is a comfortable quiet. Classical music plays in the

background.

CUT TO:

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - NIGHT

Annie, sitting cross-legged on a wooden chest in the bedroom, is browsing

through a school catalogue. Alvy lies in bed reading.

ANNIE

(Reading)

Does this sound like a good course?

Uh, "Modern American Poetry"? Uh, or,

uh-let's see now ... maybe I should, uh,

take "Introduction to the Novel."

ALVY

Just don't take any course where they

make you read Beowulf.

ANNIE

What?

(Laughing)

Hey, listen, what-what do you think? Do

you think we should, uh, go to that-that

party in Southampton tonight?

Alvy leans over and kisses her shoulder.

ALVY

No, don't be silly. What-what do we need

other people for?

(He puts his arms around her neck,

kissing her, Annie making muffled

sounds)

You know, we should-we should just turn

out the lights, you know, and play hide

and seek or something.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Well, okay. Well, listen, I'm gonna get

a cigarette, okay?

ALVY

(Yelling out to her as she leaves

the room)

Yeah, grass, right? The illusion that

it will make a white woman more like

Billie Holiday.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

Well, have you ever made love high?

ALVY

Me, no. You ... I-I-you know, if I

have grass or alcohol or anything I

get unbearably wonderful. I get too,

too wonderful for words. You know,

I don't-I don't know why you have to,

uh, get high every time we make love.

ANNIE

(Moving back into the room and

lighting a joint)

It relaxes me.

ALVY

Oh, you-you have to be artificially

relaxed before we can go to bed?

ANNIE

(Closing the door)

Well, what's the difference, anyway?

ALVY

Well, I'll give you a shot of sodium

pentothal. You can sleep through it.

ANNIE

Oh, come on, look who's talking. You've

been seeing a psychiatrist for fifteen years.

(She gets into bed and takes a

puff of marijuana)

You should smoke some o' this. You'd be

off the couch in no time.

ALVY

Oh, come, you don't need that.

Alvy, sitting down on the bed, moves over to Annie and takes the weed from her.

ANNIE

What are you doing?

ALVY

(Kissing her)

No, no, no, what ... You can once, you

can live without it once. Come on.

ANNIE

Oh, no, Alvy, please. Alvy, please.

(Laughing and making sounds)

M'mrnm.

ALVY

M'm, wait, I got a great idea.

(He gets up and goes over to the

closet, taking out a light bulb.

He goes back to the bed and turns

out the lamp on the night table)

Hang in there for a second. I got a

little-little artifact. A little erotic

artifact, that-that I brought up from the

city, which I think, uh, is gonna be perfect.

(He turns the lamp back on, having

replaced the bulb with the red one

from the closet)

I just ... there ... There's a little Old

New Orleans ... essence. Now-now we can go

about our business here and we can even

develop photographs if we want to. There,

now there.

(He undresses and crawls into bed,

taking Annie in his arms)

M'mmm. M'mmm. Hey, is something wrong?

ANNIE

Uh-uh-why?

ALVY

I don't know. You- It's like you're-

you're removed.

ANNIE

No, I'm fine.

As Annie speaks, her inner self (ghostlike, moves up from the bed and) sits

down on a chair, watching.

ALVY

Really?

ANNIE

U-huh.

ALVY

I don't know, but you seem sort of distant.

ANNIE

Let's just do it, all right?

ALVY

(Kissing and caressing Annie)

Is it my imagination or are you just

going through the motions?

ANNIE'S SPIRIT

Alvy, do you remember where I put my

drawing pad? Because while you two are

doing that, I think I'm gonna do some

drawing.

ALVY

(Reacting)

You see, that's what I call removed.

ANNIE

Oh, you have my body.

ALVY

Yeah, but that's not-that's no good.

I want the whole thing.

ANNIE

(Sighing)

Well, I need grass and so do you.

ALVY

Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass

(Clearing his throat)

because, you know, I'm, like, a comedian-

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

M'hm.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-so if I get a laugh from a person who's

high, it doesn't count. You know-'cause

they're always laughin'.

ANNIE

Were you always funny?

ALVY

Hey, what is this-an interview? We're

supposed to be making love.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE.

A typical old-fashioned theatrical agency in a Broadway office building.

Autographed 8 X 12 is plastered in the sloppy room. The agent, chewing a

cigar, sits behind his desk talking to one of his clients, a comedian, who

stands with his hands in his pockets. A young Alvy sits stiffly in a chair

nearby watching.

AGENT

This guy is naturally funny. I think

he can write for you.

COMIC

(Buttoning his jacket)

Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're

really good. Well, lemme explain a little

bit o' how I work. You know, you can tell

right off the bat that I don't look like

a funny guy when I come-you know, like some

o' the guys that come out. You know, right

away

(Gesturing)

they're gonna tell yuh their stories, you're

gonna fall down, but I gotta be really

talented. Material's gotta be sensational

for me 'cause I work, you know, with very,

very ... Come on, I'm kinda classy, you

know what I mean? Uh ... uh ... lemme

explain. For instance, I open with an

opening song. A musical start like

(Ad-lib singing)

and I walk out

(Ad-lib singing)

"Place looks wonderful from here and

you folks look wonderful from here!

(Singing)

"And seein' you there

With a smile on your face

Makes me shout

This must be the place."

Then I stop right in the middle and then

I open with some jokes. Now, that's where

I need you, right there. For instance, like

I say, "Hey, I just got back from Canada,

you know, they speak a lotta French up

there. The only way to remember Jeanne

d'Arc means the light's out in the bathroom!"

(He laughs. Seated Alvy looks

up smiling)

"Oh, I met a big lumberjack ..."

ALVY'S VOICE

(To himself)

Jesus, this guy's pathetic.

COMIC

(Overlapping above speech)

... big lumberjack ...

ALVY'S VOICE

(To himself while the comic

continues his routine)

Look at him mincing around, like he

thinks he's real cute. You wanna throw

up. If only I had the nerve to do my

own jokes. I don't know how much longer

I can keep this smile frozen on my face.

I'm in the wrong business, I know it.

COMIC

(Overlapping above speech)

"'Cherie, come back. I love you.

(Shaking his lips and mimicking)

But, uh, Cheri, what will I do with this,

uh?' He says, 'Aw, Marie, sometime you

make me so mad."'

(Laughing)

Oh, they scream at that. Now, write me

somethin' like that, will yuh? Kinda

French number, can yuh do it? Huh, kid?

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

The darkened auditorium is filled with college students applauding and cheering,

excited, as Alvy stands on spotlighted stage holding the microphone.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

W-where am I? I-I keep ... I have to

reorient myself. This is the University

of Wisconsin, right? So I'm always ...

I'm tense and ... uh, when I'm playin' a

col- I've a very bad history with colleges.

You know, I went to New York University and,

uh, tsch, I was thrown out of NYU my freshman

year ... for cheating on my metaphysics final.

You know, I looked within the soul of the

boy sitting next to me-

(The audience laughs; they're with him)

-and when I was thrown out, my mother,

who's an emotionally high-strung woman,

locked herself in the bathroom and took an

overdose of mah-jongg tiles.

(More applause and laughter)

And, uh, tsch, I was depressed. I was ...

in analysis, I-I, uh, was suicidal; as a

matter of fact, uh, I would have killed

myself but I was in analysis with a strict

Freudian and if you kill yourself ... they

make you pay for the sessions you miss.

INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER.

Students mill around Alvy banding him pens and paper for autographs.

Annie is next to him, talking over the chattering fans.

ANNIE

Alvy, you were ... Alvy, you were just

great, I'm not kidding. It was- You

were so neat.

ALVY

C-c-coll- College audiences are so wonderful.

ANNIE

Yeah. Yeah. And you know something?

I think that I'm starting to get more

of your references, too.

ALVY

Are yuh?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Well, the twelve o'clock show is

completely different than the nine.

YOUNG WOMAN

(Interrupting)

May I have your autograph?

ANNIE

(Over lapping above speech)

Oh.

ALVY

(To Annie, while autographing)

You're so sure about it.

ANNIE

Oh, I'm really, uh, looking forward to

tomorrow. I mean, you know, I think that

it'll be really nice to meet Mother and

Father.

They start moving toward the exit, a girl snapping a picture of Alvy with a

flash camera as they walk through the crowd.

ALVY

Yeah, I know, they'll hate me immediately.

(To one of his fans)

Thank you.

ANNIE

No, I don't think so. No, I don't think

they're gonna hate you at all. On the

contrary, I think-

ALVY

Yeah.

ANNIE

It's Easter. You know, we'll have a nice

dinner, we'll sit down and eat. I think

they're gonna really like you.

EXT. ANNIE'S PARENTS' HOME-DAY

The camera shows a neat two-story house surrounded by a well-manicured green

lawn, then cuts to:

INT. DINING ROOM.

Alvy and the Halls are eating Easter dinner. The sun is pouring through a big

picture window, shining on a large, elegantly laid out table. Alvy sits, at one

end,- rubbing his nose and chewing, the Halls flanking him on either side: Mr.

and Mrs. Hall, Grammy, and Annie's brother, Duane.

MOM HALL

(Holding her wine glass)

It's a nice ham this year, Mom.

Grammy Hall takes a sip of her wine and nods.

ANNIE

(Smiling at Duane)

Oh, yeah. Grammy always does such

a good job.

DAD HALL

(Chewing)

A great sauce.

ALVY

It is.

(Smacking his lips)

It's dynamite ham.

Grammy Hall stares down the table at Alvy; a look of utter dislike. Alvy tries

not to notice.

MOM HALL

(To Dad Hall, smoothing her hair)

We went over to the swap meet. Annie,

Gram and I. Got some nice picture frames.

ANNIE

We really had a good time.

Grammy continues to stare at Alvy; he is now dressed in the long black coat and

hat of the Orthodox Jew, complete with mustache and heard.

MOM HALL

(Lighting a cigarette and turning

to Alvy)

Ann tells us that you've been seeing a

psychiatrist for fifteen years.

ALVY

(Setting down his glass and coughing)

Yes. I'm making excellent progress.

Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch,

I won't have to wear the lobster bib.

Mom Hall reacts by sipping from her glass and frowning. Grammy continues to

stare.

DAD HALL

Duane and I went out to the boat basin.

DUANE

We were caulkin' holes all day.

DAD HALL

Yeah.