ANNIE HALL

(Laughing)

Randolph Hunt was drunk, as usual.

MOM HALL

Oh, that Randolph Hunt. You remember

Randy Hunt, Annie. He was in the choir

with you.

ANNIE

Oh, yes, yes.

Alvy, leaning his elbow on the table, looks out toward the camera.

ALVY

(To the audience)

I can't believe this family.

(Making chewing sounds)

Annie's mother. She really's beautiful.

And they're talkin' swap meets and boat

basins, and the old lady at the end of

the table

(Pointing to Grammy)

is a classic Jew hater. And, uh, they,

they realty look American, you know,

very healthy and ... like they never

get sick or anything. Nothing like my

family. You know, the two are like oil

and water.

The screen splits in half - on the right is Alvy's family - his mother, father,

aunt and uncle-busily eating at the crowded kitchen table. They eat quickly

and interrupt one another loudly. On the left the Halls in their dining room.

Both dialogues overlap, juxtaposed.

ALVY'S FATHER

Let 'im drop dead! Who needs his

business?!

ALVY'S MOTHER

His wife has diabetes!

ALVY'S FATHER

Di-diabetes? Is that any excuse?

Diabetes?

ALVY'S UNCLE

The man is fifty years old and doesn't

have a substantial job.

ALVY'S AUNT

(Putting more meat on her

husband's plate)

Is that a reason to steal from his father?

ALVY'S UNCLE

Whatta you talkin' about? You don't

know what you're talking about.

ALVY'S AUNT

Yes, I know what I'm talking about.

ALVY'S MOTHER

(Interrupting)

George, defend him!

ALVY'S UNCLE

(Over Alvy's father's muttering)

No Moskowitz he had a coronary.

ALVY'S AUNT

You don't say.

ALVY'S MOTHER

We fast.

MOM HALL

Stupid Thelma Poindexter ... to the

Veterans Hospital.

DAD HALL

My God, he's the new president of the

El Regis. Let me tell you, the man is

somethin' else.

MOM HALL

That's Jack's wife. We used to make

that outta raisins.

ANNIE

Oh, yes, that's right. Did you see

the new play?

MOM HALL

Oh, you remember her, Annie.

ANNIE

Yes, I do.

The two families start talking back and forth to one another. The screen is

still split.

MOM HALL

How do you plan to spend the holidays,

Mrs. Singer?

DAD HALL

Fast?

ALVY'S FATHER

Yeah, no food. You know, we have to

atone for our sins.

MOM HALL

What sins? I don't understand.

ALVY'S FATHER

Tell you the truth, neither do we.

CUT TO:

INT. DUANE'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

Duane, sitting on his bed, sees Alvy walking past the open door.

DUANE

Alvy.

ALVY

(Walking in)

Oh, hi, Duane, how's it goin'?

DUANE

This is my room.

ALVY

(Looking around)

Oh, yeah?

(He clears his throat)

Terrific.

DUANE

Can I confess something?

Alvy sighs and sits down, leaning his arm on Duane's dresser. Duane's face is

big lighted by a single lamp.

DUANE

I tell you this because, as an artist,

I think you'll understand. Sometimes

when I'm driving ... on the road at night

... I see two headlights coming toward me.

Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn

the wheel quickly, head-on into the

oncoming car. I can anticipate the

explosion. The sound of shattering glass.

The ... flames rising out of the flowing

gasoline.

ALVY

(Reacting and clearing his throat)

Right. Tsch, well, I have to-I have

t-o go now, Duane, because I-I'm due

back on the planet earth.

He slowly gets up and moves toward the door.

INT. THE HALLS' LIVING ROOM.

Mom and Dad Hall walk into the living room; Annie is with them.

MOM HALL

Now, don't let it be so long, now.

ANNIE

No.

DAD HALL

And look up Uncle Bill, you promise.

ANNIE

Okay. Okay.

MOM HALL

Oh, he's adorable, Annie.

ANNIE

You think so? Do you really?

MOM HALL

We're going to take them to the airport.

DAD HALL

Oh, no-Duane can. I haven't finished

my drink.

ANNIE

Yes, Duane is. I'll be right-

MOM HALL

M'mmm.

ANNIE

I just have time to get the, uh-

She walks out of the room as Mom and Dad Hall kiss.

EXT. ROAD - NIGHT

Duane, behind the wheel, stares straight ahead. It is raining very hard, the

windshield wipers are moving quickly. The headlights of another car brightens

the interior of Duane's car as the camera shows first Duane, then Annie, then

Alvy tensely staring straight ahead.

EXT. STREET- DAY

The camera bolds on a quiet New York City street; the buildings, brownstones.

It's a warm day-people sit on front stoops, window boxes are planted. Annie

walks into the frame first, then Alvy, who is walking to her right. They walk

quickly, side by side, their voices heard before they move into the frame.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

You followed me. I can't believe it!

ALVY

(Off screen)

I didn't follow you!

ANNIE

You followed me!

ALVY

Why? 'Cause I ... was walkin' along

a block behind you staring at you?

That's not following!

ANNIE

Well, what is your definition of

following?

ALVY

(Gasping)

Following is different. I was spying.

ANNIE

Do you realize how paranoid you are?

ALVY

Paranoid? I'm looking at you. You

got your arms around another guy.

ANNIE

That is the worst kind of paranoia.

ALVY

Yeah-well, I didn't start out spying.

I-I thought I'd surprise yuh. Pick you

up after school.

ANNIE

Yeah-well, you wanted to keep the

relationship flexible, remember?

It's your phrase.

ALVY

Oh, stop it. But you were having an

affair with your college professor.

That jerk that teaches that incredible

crap course "Contemporary Crisis in

Western Man"!

ANNIE

"Existential Motifs in Russian Literature"!

You're really close.

ALVY

What's the difference? It's all mental

masturbation.

ANNIE

(Stopping for a moment)

Oh, well, now we're finally getting to

a subject you know something about!

She walks away.

ALVY

(Catching up to her)

Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's

sex with someone I love.

ANNIE

(Continuing to walk quickly)

We're not having an affair. He's married.

He just happens to think I'm neat.

ALVY

(Still walking next to her)

"Neat"! There's that- What are you-twelve

years old? That's one o' your Chippewa

Falls expressions! "He thinks I'm neat."

ANNIE

Who cares? Who cares?

ALVY

Next thing you know he'll find you keen

and peachy, you know? Next thing you

know he's got his hand on your ass!

They both stop in the middle of the street.

ANNIE

You've always had hostility toward

David ever since I mentioned him!

ALVY

David? You call your teacher David?

ANNIE

It's his name.

ALVY

Well, listen, that's, a nice bi-it's

a biblical name. Right? W-What does

he call you? Bathsheba?

He walks away.

ANNIE

(Calling after him)

Alvy! Alvy! You're the one who never

wanted to make a real commitment. You

don't think I'm smart enough! We had

that argument just last month, or don't

ou remember that day?

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN.

Alvy is at the sink washing dishes as the screen cuts to the scene of last

month's argument. Annie's voice is heard.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

I'm home!

ALVY

(Turning)

Oh, yeah? How'd it go?

ANNIE

(Comes into the kitchen and puts

down a bag of groceries on the

kitchen table)

Oh, it was ...

(Laughing)

really weird. But she's a very nice woman.

ALVY

Yeah?

ANNIE

And I didn't have to lie down on the couch,

Alvy, she had me sitting up. So I told her

about-about the-the family and about my

feelings toward men and about my

relationship with my brother.

ALVY

M'm.

ANNIE

And then she mentioned penis envy ...

Did you know about that?

ALVY

Me? I'm-I'm one of the few males who

suffers from that, so, so ... you know.

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

G-go on, I'm interested.

ANNIE

Well, she said that I was very guilty

about my impulses toward marriage,

and-and children.

ALVY

M'hm.

ANNIE

And then I remembered when I was a kid

how I accidentally saw my parents making

love.

ALVY

Tsch. Rea- All this happened in the

first hour?

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

That's amazing. I-I-I ... I've been

goin' for fifteen years, I-you know,

I don't got ... nothing like that in-

ANNIE

Oh, I told her my dream and then I cried.

ALVY

You cried? I've never once cried.

Fantastic ...

ANNIE

(Taking groceries from the bag)

Yeah.

ALVY

I whine. I-I-I sit and I whine.

ANNIE

In-in ... Alvy, in my dream Frank

Sinatra is holding his pillow across

my face and I can't breathe.

ALVY

Sinatra?

ANNIE

Yeah, and he's strangling me ...

ALVY

Yeah?

ANNIE

... and I keep, you know, it's-

ALVY

(Taking a bottle of juice and

some celery from the bag)

Well, well, sure ... because he's a

singer and you're a singer, you know,

so it's perfect. So you're trying to

suffocate yourself. It-it makes perfect

sense. Uh, uh, that's a perfect analytic

... kind of insight.

ANNIE

(Pointing her finger at Alvy)

She said, your name was Alvy Singer.

ALVY

(Turning to Annie)

Whatta you mean? Me?

ANNIE

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. Because in the

dream ... I break Sinatra's glasses.

ALVY

(Putting his band to his mouth)

Sinatra had gl- You never said Sinatra

had glasses. So whatta you saying that

I-I'm suffocating you?

ANNIE

(Turning, ajar in her hand)

Oh, and God, Alvy, I did ... this really

terrible thing to him. Because then when

he sang it was in this real high-pitched

voice.

ALVY

(Thinking)

Tsch, what'd the doctor say?

ANNIE

(Putting away some groceries)

Well, she said that I should probably

come five times a week. And you know

something? I don't think I mind analysis

at all. The only question is, Will it

change my wife?

ALVY

Will it change your wife?

ANNIE

Will it change my life?

ALVY

Yeah, but you said, "Will it change

my wife"!

ANNIE

No, I didn't.

(Laughing)

I said, "Will it change my life," Alvy.

ALVY

You said, "Will it change. . ." Wife.

Will it change ...

ANNIE

(Yelling out, angry)

Life. I said, "life."

Alvy turns toward the camera.

ALVY

(To the audience)

She said, "Will it change my wife." You

heard that because you were there so I'm

not crazy.

ANNIE

And, Alvy ... and then I told her about

how I didn't think you'd ever really take

me seriously, because you don't think that

I'm smart enough.

She walks out of the room.

ALVY

(To Annie's back, gesturing)

Why do you always bring that up? Because

I encourage you to take adult-education

courses? I think it's a wonderful thing.

You meet wonderful, interesting professors'.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET

Annie stands at the open door of a cab, Alvy next to her gesturing as people

and cars move by.

ALVY

Adult education is such junk! The

professors are so phony. How can you

do it?

ANNIE

A bit rapidly. I don't care what you

say about David, he's a perfectly fine

teacher!

ALVY

(Interrupting)

David! David! I can't believe this!

ANNIE

And what are you doing following me

around for, anyway?

ALVY

I'm following you and David, if you-

ANNIE

(Interrupting)

I just think we oughta call this

relationship quits!

Annie gets into the cab; Alvy leans over and closes the door.

ALVY

That's fine. That's fine. That's great!

(He turns toward the camera as the

cab drives away)

Well, I don't know what I did wrong.

(Gesturing)

I mean, I can't believe this. Somewhere

she cooled off to me!

(He walks up to an older woman

walking down the street carrying

groceries)

Is it-is it something that I did?

WOMAN ON THE STREET

Never something you do. That's how

people are. Love fades.

She moves on down the street.

ALVY

(Scratching his head)

Love fades. God, that's a depressing

thought. Have to ask you a question.

(He stops another passer-by,a man)

Don't go any further. Now, with your

wife in bed, d-d-does she need some kind

o' artificial stimulation like-like marijuana?

MAN ON THE STREET

We use a large vibrating egg.

He walks on.

ALVY