ANNIE HALL

(Continuing to walk)

Large vibrating egg. Well, I ask a

psychopath, I get that kind of an answer.

Jesus, I-I, uh, here ...

(He moves up the sidewalk to

a young trendy-looking couple,

arms wrapped around each other)

You-you look like a really happy couple.

Uh, uh ... are you?

YOUNG WOMAN

Yeah.

ALVY

Yeah! So ... so h-h-how do you account

for it?

YOUNG WOMAN

Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I

have no ideas and nothing interesting

to say.

YOUNG MAN

And I'm exactly the same way.

ALVY

I see. Well, that's very interesting.

So you've managed to work out something, huh?

YOUNG MAN

Right.

YOUNG WOMAN

Yeah.

ALVY

Oh, well, thanks very much for talking

to me.

He continues to walk past some other passersby and moves into the street. A

mounted policeman comes by and stops near him. Alvy looks at the horse, as if

to speak.

ALVY'S VOICE-OVER

You know, even as a kid I always went

for the wrong women. I think that's my

problem. When my mother took me to see

Snow White, everyone fell in love with

Snow White. I immediately fell for the

Wicked Queen.

The scene dissolves into a sequence from the animated Snow White and the Seven

Dwarfs. The Wicked Queen, resembling Annie, sits in the palace before her

mirror. Alvy, as a cartoon figure, sits beside her, arms crossed in front of

him.

WICKED QUEEN

We never have any fun anymore.

CARTOON FIGURE ALVY

How can you say that?

WICKED QUEEN

Why not? You're always leaning on me

to improve myself.

CARTOON FIGURE ALVY

You're just upset. You must be getting

your period.

WICKED QUEEN

I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon

character. Can't I be upset once in

a while?

Rob, as a cartoon figure, enters and sits down on the other side of the Wicked

Queen.

CARTOON FIGURE ROB

Max, will you forget about Annie? I

know lots of women you can date.

CARTOON FIGURE ALVY

I don't wanna go out with any other women.

CARTOON FIGURE ROB

Max, have I got a girl for you. You are

going to love her. She's a reporter-

The cartoon figures of Alvy and Rob walk past the Wicked Queen; the screen

dissolves into the interior of a concert ball. Rob's voice carries over from

the cartoon scene as the screen shows Alvy with the female reporter. It's very

crowded, noisy; policeman and reporters are everywhere. Alvy stands with his

hands in his pockets, watching the commotion.

CARTOON FIGURE ROB'S VOICE-OVER

-for Rolling Stone.

FEMALE REPORTER

I think there are more people here to

see the Maharishi than there were to see

the Dylan concert. I covered the Dylan

concert ... which gave me chills.

Especially when he sang "She takes just

like a woman And she makes love just

like a woman Yes, she does And she aches

just like a woman But she breaks just

like a little girl."

(They move toward the aisles as

a guard holds up his hands to stop

them)

Up to that I guess the most charismatic

event I covered was Mick's Birthday when

the Stones played Madison Square Garden.

ALVY

(Laughing)

Man, that's great. That's just great.

REPORTER

You catch Dylan?

ALVY

(Coughing)

Me? No, no. I-I couldn't make it that

ni- My-my raccoon had hepatitis.

REPORTER

You have a raccoon?

ALVY

(Gesturing)

Tsch, a few.

REPORTER

The only word for this is trans-plendid.

It's trans-plendid.

ALVY

I can think of another word.

REPORTER

He's God! I mean, this man is God! He's

got millions of followers who would crawl

all the way across the world just to touch

the hem of his garment.

ALVY

Really? It must be a tremendous hem.

REPORTER

I'm a Rosicrucian myself.

ALVY

Are you?

REPORTER

Yeah.

ALVY

I can't get with any religion that

advertises in Popular Mechanics. Look-

(The Maharisbi, a small, chunky

man, walks out of the men's room,

huge bodyguards flanking him while

policemen bold back the crowds)

there's God coming outta the men's room.

REPORTER

It's unbelievably trans-plendid! I was

at the Stones concert in Altamount when

they killed that guy, remember?

ALVY

Yeah, were yuh? I was-I was at an Alice

Cooper thing where six people were rushed

to the hospital with bad vibes.

INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

The reporter is sitting up in bed, lighted cigarette in her hand. Alvy, lying

next to her, rubs his eyes and puts on his eyeglasses.

REPORTER

(Looking down at him)

I hope you don't mind that I took so long

to finish.

ALVY

(Sighing)

Oh, no, no, don't be ... tsch ... don't

be silly. You know,

(Yawning)

I'm startin' it-I'm startin' to get some

feeling back in my jaw now.

REPORTER

Oh, sex with you is really a kafkaesque

experience.

ALVY

Oh, tsch, thank you. H'm.

REPORTER

I mean that as a compliment.

ALVY

(Making sounds)

I think-I think there's too much burden

placed on the orgasm, you know, to make

up for empty areas in life.

REPORTER

Who said that?

ALVY

(Rubbing his chin and shoulder)

Uh, oh, I don't know. It might have

been Leopold and Loeb.

(The telephone rings. Alvy picks

it up, rising up slightly from the

bed, concerned, as he talks)

Hello. Oh, hi ... Uh, no, what-what's

the matter? What-what-what? You sound

terrible ... No, what- Sure I- Whatta yuh

-what kind of an emergency? ... No, well,

stay there. Stay there, I'll come over

right now. I'll come over right now. Just

stay there, I'll come right over.

He hangs up. The reporter sits in bed still, taking in the situation.

INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT HALLWAY

Annie, looking slightly distraught, goes to open the door to Alvy's knock.

ALVY

What's- It's me, open up.

ANNIE

(Opening the door)

Oh.

ALVY

Are you okay? What's the matter?

(They look at each other, Annie

sighing)

Are you all right? What-

ANNIE

There's a spider in the bathroom.

ALVY

(Reacting)

What?

ANNIE

There's a big black spider in the bathroom.

ALVY

That's what you got me here for at three

o'clock in the morning, 'cause there's a

spider in the bathroom?

ANNIE

My God, I mean, you know how I am about

insects.

ALVY

(Interrupting, sighing)

Oooh.

ANNIE

-I can't sleep with a live thing crawling

around in the bathroom.

ALVY

Kill it! For Go- What's wrong with you?

Don't you have a can of Raid in the house?

ANNIE

(Shaking her head)

No.

Alvy, disgusted, starts waving his hands and starts to move into the living

room.

ALVY

(Sighing)

I told you a thousand times you should

always keep, uh, a lotta insect spray.

You never know who's gonna crawl over.

ANNIE

(Following him)

I know, I know, and a first-aid kit and

a fire extinguisher.

ALVY

Jesus. All right, gimme a magazine.

I- 'cause I'm a little tired.

(While Annie goes of to find

him a magazine, Alvy, still

talking, glances around the

apartment. He notices a small

book on a cabinet and picks it up.)

You know, you, you joke with-about me,

you make fun of me, but I'm prepared for

anything. An emergency, a tidal wave,

an earthquake. Hey, what is this?

What? Did you go to a rock concert?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Oh, yeah, really? Really? How-how'd

you like it? Was it-was it, I mean,

did it ... was it heavy? Did it achieve

total heavy-ocity? Or was it, uh...

ANNIE

It was just great!

ALVY

(Thumbing through the book)

Oh, humdinger. When- Well, I got a

wonderful idea. Why don'tcha get the

guy who took you to the rock concert,

we'll call him and he can come over and

kill the spider. You know, it's a-

He tosses the book down on the cabinet.

ANNIE

I called you; you wanna help me ... or

not? H'h? Here.

She hands him a magazine.

ALVY

(Looking down at the magazine)

What is this? What are you, since

when do you read the "National Review"?

What are you turning in to?

ANNIE

(Turning to a nearby chair for

some gum in her pocketbook)

Well, I like to try to get all points

of view.

ALVY

It's wonderful. Then why don'tcha get

William F. Buckley to kill the spider?

ANNIE

(Spinning around to face him)

Alvy, you're a little hostile, you

know that? Not only that, you look

thin and tired.

She puts a piece of gum in her mouth.

ALVY

Well, I was in be- It's three o'clock

in the morning. You, uh, you got me

outta bed, I ran over here, I couldn't

get a taxi cab. You said it was an

emergency, and I didn't ge- I ran up

the stairs. Hell - I was a lot more

attractive when the evening began.

Look, uh, tell- Whatta you- Are you

going with a right-wing rock-and roll

star? Is that possible?

ANNIE

(Sitting down on a chair arm

and looking up at Alvy)

Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?

ALVY

Hey, what am I-your son? Whatta you mean?

I-I came over TV --_

ANNIE

(Touching his chest with her hand)

I got the good chocolate, Alvy.

ALVY

Yeah, where is the spider?

ANNIE

It really is lovely. It's in the bathroom.

ALVY

Is he in the bathroom?

ANNIE

(Rising from chair)

Hey, don't squish it, and after it's

dead, flush it down the toilet, okay?

And flush it a couple o' times.

ALVY

(Moving down the hallway to

the bathroom)

Darling, darling, I've been killing

spiders since I was thirty, okay?

ANNIE

(Upset, hands on her neck)

Oh. What?

ALVY

(Coming back into the living room)

Very big spider.

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

Two ... Yeah. Lotta, lotta trouble.

There's two of 'em.

Alvy starts walking down the ball again, Annie following.

ANNIE

Two?

ALVY

(Opening a closet door)

Yep. I didn't think it was that big,

but it's a major spider. You got a

broom or something with a-

ANNIE

Oh, I-I left it at your house.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-snow shovel or anything or something.

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

I think I left it there, I'm sorry.

Reaching up into the closet, Alvy takes out a covered tennis racquet.

ALVY

(Holding the racquet)

Okay, let me have this.

ANNIE

Well, what are you doing ... what are

you doing with-

ALVY

Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom

the size of a Buick.

He walks into the bathroom, Annie looking after him.

ANNIE

Well, okay. Oooh.

Alvy stands in the middle of the bathroom, tennis racquet in one band, rolled

magazine in the other. He looks over at the shelf above the sink and picks up

a small container. He holds it out, shouting off screen to Annie.

ALVY

Hey, what is this? You got black soap?

ANNIE

(Off screen)

It's for my complexion.

ALVY

Whatta-whatta yuh joining a minstrel show?

Geez.

(Alvy turns and starts swapping

the racquet over the shelf, knocking

down articles and breaking glass)

Don't worry!

(He continues to swat the racquet

all over the bathroom. He finally

moves out of the room, hands close

to his body. He walks into the

other room, where Annie is sitting

in a corner of her bed leaning against

the wall)

I did it! I killed them both. What-what's

the matter? Whatta you-

(Annie is sobbing, her band over

her face)

-whatta you sad about? You- What'd you

want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate

'em?

ANNIE

(Sobbing and taking Alvy's arm)

Oh, don't go, okay? Please.

ALVY

(Sitting down next to her)

Whatta you mean, don't go? Whatta-whatta

-what's the matter? Whatta you expecting

-termites? What's the matter?

ANNIE

(Sobbing)

Oh, uh, I don't know. I miss you. Tsch.

She beats her fist on the bed. Reacting, Alvy puts his arm around her shoulder

and leans back against the wall.

ALVY

Oh, Jesus, really?

ANNIE

(Leaning on his shoulder)

Oh, yeah. Oh.

(They kiss)

Oh! Alvy?

ALVY

What?

He touches her face gently as she wipes tears from her face.

ANNIE

Was there somebody in your room when

I called you?

ALVY

W-w-whatta you mean?

ANNIE

I mean was there another- I thought I

heard a voice.

ALVY

Oh, I had the radio on.

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

I'm sorry. I had the television set

... I had the television-

ANNIE

Yeah.

Alvy pulls her to him and they kiss again.

CUT TO:

INT. ALVY'S BED

Alvy is lying in bed next to Annie, who is leaning on her elbow looking down

at him. He rubs her arms and she smiles.

ANNIE

Alvy, let's never break up again. I don't

wanna be apart.

ALVY

Oh, no, no, I think we're both much too

mature for something like that.

ANNIE

Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?

ALVY