ANNIE HALL

first hour?

ANNIE

M'hm.

ALVY

That's amazing. I-I-I ... I've been

goin' for fifteen years, I-you know,

I don't got ... nothing like that in-

ANNIE

Oh, I told her my dream and then I cried.

ALVY

You cried? I've never once cried.

Fantastic ...

ANNIE

(Taking groceries from the bag)

Yeah.

ALVY

I whine. I-I-I sit and I whine.

ANNIE

In-in ... Alvy, in my dream Frank

Sinatra is holding his pillow across

my face and I can't breathe.

ALVY

Sinatra?

ANNIE

Yeah, and he's strangling me ...

ALVY

Yeah?

ANNIE

... and I keep, you know, it's-

ALVY

(Taking a bottle of juice and

some celery from the bag)

Well, well, sure ... because he's a

singer and you're a singer, you know,

so it's perfect. So you're trying to

suffocate yourself. It-it makes perfect

sense. Uh, uh, that's a perfect analytic

... kind of insight.

ANNIE

(Pointing her finger at Alvy)

She said, your name was Alvy Singer.

ALVY

(Turning to Annie)

Whatta you mean? Me?

ANNIE

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you. Because in the

dream ... I break Sinatra's glasses.

ALVY

(Putting his band to his mouth)

Sinatra had gl- You never said Sinatra

had glasses. So whatta you saying that

I-I'm suffocating you?

ANNIE

(Turning, ajar in her hand)

Oh, and God, Alvy, I did ... this really

terrible thing to him. Because then when

he sang it was in this real high-pitched

voice.

ALVY

(Thinking)

Tsch, what'd the doctor say?

ANNIE

(Putting away some groceries)

Well, she said that I should probably

come five times a week. And you know

something? I don't think I mind analysis

at all. The only question is, Will it

change my wife?

ALVY

Will it change your wife?

ANNIE

Will it change my life?

ALVY

Yeah, but you said, "Will it change

my wife"!

ANNIE

No, I didn't.

(Laughing)

I said, "Will it change my life," Alvy.

ALVY

You said, "Will it change. . ." Wife.

Will it change ...

ANNIE

(Yelling out, angry)

Life. I said, "life."

Alvy turns toward the camera.

ALVY

(To the audience)

She said, "Will it change my wife." You

heard that because you were there so I'm

not crazy.

ANNIE

And, Alvy ... and then I told her about

how I didn't think you'd ever really take

me seriously, because you don't think that

I'm smart enough.

She walks out of the room.

ALVY

(To Annie's back, gesturing)

Why do you always bring that up? Because

I encourage you to take adult-education

courses? I think it's a wonderful thing.

You meet wonderful, interesting professors'.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET

Annie stands at the open door of a cab, Alvy next to her gesturing as people

and cars move by.

ALVY

Adult education is such junk! The

professors are so phony. How can you

do it?

ANNIE

A bit rapidly. I don't care what you

say about David, he's a perfectly fine

teacher!

ALVY

(Interrupting)

David! David! I can't believe this!

ANNIE

And what are you doing following me

around for, anyway?

ALVY

I'm following you and David, if you-

ANNIE

(Interrupting)

I just think we oughta call this

relationship quits!

Annie gets into the cab; Alvy leans over and closes the door.

ALVY

That's fine. That's fine. That's great!

(He turns toward the camera as the

cab drives away)

Well, I don't know what I did wrong.

(Gesturing)

I mean, I can't believe this. Somewhere

she cooled off to me!

(He walks up to an older woman

walking down the street carrying

groceries)

Is it-is it something that I did?

WOMAN ON THE STREET

Never something you do. That's how

people are. Love fades.

She moves on down the street.

ALVY

(Scratching his head)

Love fades. God, that's a depressing

thought. Have to ask you a question.

(He stops another passer-by,a man)

Don't go any further. Now, with your

wife in bed, d-d-does she need some kind

o' artificial stimulation like-like marijuana?

MAN ON THE STREET

We use a large vibrating egg.

He walks on.

ALVY

(Continuing to walk)

Large vibrating egg. Well, I ask a

psychopath, I get that kind of an answer.

Jesus, I-I, uh, here ...

(He moves up the sidewalk to

a young trendy-looking couple,

arms wrapped around each other)

You-you look like a really happy couple.

Uh, uh ... are you?

YOUNG WOMAN

Yeah.

ALVY

Yeah! So ... so h-h-how do you account

for it?

YOUNG WOMAN

Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I

have no ideas and nothing interesting

to say.

YOUNG MAN

And I'm exactly the same way.

ALVY

I see. Well, that's very interesting.

So you've managed to work out something, huh?

YOUNG MAN

Right.

YOUNG WOMAN

Yeah.

ALVY

Oh, well, thanks very much for talking

to me.

He continues to walk past some other passersby and moves into the street. A

mounted policeman comes by and stops near him. Alvy looks at the horse, as if

to speak.

ALVY'S VOICE-OVER

You know, even as a kid I always went

for the wrong women. I think that's my

problem. When my mother took me to see

Snow White, everyone fell in love with

Snow White. I immediately fell for the

Wicked Queen.

The scene dissolves into a sequence from the animated Snow White and the Seven

Dwarfs. The Wicked Queen, resembling Annie, sits in the palace before her

mirror. Alvy, as a cartoon figure, sits beside her, arms crossed in front of

him.

WICKED QUEEN

We never have any fun anymore.

CARTOON FIGURE ALVY

How can you say that?

WICKED QUEEN

Why not? You're always leaning on me

to improve myself.

CARTOON FIGURE ALVY

You're just upset. You must be getting

your period.

WICKED QUEEN

I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon

character. Can't I be upset once in

a while?

Rob, as a cartoon figure, enters and sits down on the other side of the Wicked

Queen.

CARTOON FIGURE ROB

Max, will you forget about Annie? I

know lots of women you can date.

CARTOON FIGURE ALVY

I don't wanna go out with any other women.

CARTOON FIGURE ROB

Max, have I got a girl for you. You are

going to love her. She's a reporter-

The cartoon figures of Alvy and Rob walk past the Wicked Queen; the screen

dissolves into the interior of a concert ball. Rob's voice carries over from

the cartoon scene as the screen shows Alvy with the female reporter. It's very

crowded, noisy; policeman and reporters are everywhere. Alvy stands with his

hands in his pockets, watching the commotion.

CARTOON FIGURE ROB'S VOICE-OVER

-for Rolling Stone.

FEMALE REPORTER

I think there are more people here to

see the Maharishi than there were to see

the Dylan concert. I covered the Dylan

concert ... which gave me chills.

Especially when he sang "She takes just

like a woman And she makes love just

like a woman Yes, she does And she aches

just like a woman But she breaks just

like a little girl."

(They move toward the aisles as

a guard holds up his hands to stop

them)

Up to that I guess the most charismatic

event I covered was Mick's Birthday when

the Stones played Madison Square Garden.

ALVY

(Laughing)

Man, that's great. That's just great.

REPORTER

You catch Dylan?

ALVY

(Coughing)

Me? No, no. I-I couldn't make it that

ni- My-my raccoon had hepatitis.

REPORTER

You have a raccoon?

ALVY

(Gesturing)

Tsch, a few.

REPORTER

The only word for this is trans-plendid.

It's trans-plendid.

ALVY

I can think of another word.

REPORTER

He's God! I mean, this man is God! He's

got millions of followers who would crawl

all the way across the world just to touch

the hem of his garment.

ALVY

Really? It must be a tremendous hem.

REPORTER

I'm a Rosicrucian myself.

ALVY

Are you?

REPORTER

Yeah.

ALVY

I can't get with any religion that

advertises in Popular Mechanics. Look-

(The Maharisbi, a small, chunky

man, walks out of the men's room,

huge bodyguards flanking him while

policemen bold back the crowds)

there's God coming outta the men's room.

REPORTER

It's unbelievably trans-plendid! I was

at the Stones concert in Altamount when

they killed that guy, remember?

ALVY

Yeah, were yuh? I was-I was at an Alice

Cooper thing where six people were rushed

to the hospital with bad vibes.

INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

The reporter is sitting up in bed, lighted cigarette in her hand. Alvy, lying

next to her, rubs his eyes and puts on his eyeglasses.

REPORTER

(Looking down at him)

I hope you don't mind that I took so long

to finish.

ALVY

(Sighing)

Oh, no, no, don't be ... tsch ... don't

be silly. You know,

(Yawning)

I'm startin' it-I'm startin' to get some

feeling back in my jaw now.

REPORTER

Oh, sex with you is really a kafkaesque

experience.

ALVY

Oh, tsch, thank you. H'm.

REPORTER

I mean that as a compliment.

ALVY

(Making sounds)

I think-I think there's too much burden

placed on the orgasm, you know, to make

up for empty areas in life.

REPORTER

Who said that?

ALVY

(Rubbing his chin and shoulder)

Uh, oh, I don't know. It might have

been Leopold and Loeb.

(The telephone rings. Alvy picks

it up, rising up slightly from the

bed, concerned, as he talks)

Hello. Oh, hi ... Uh, no, what-what's

the matter? What-what-what? You sound

terrible ... No, what- Sure I- Whatta yuh

-what kind of an emergency? ... No, well,

stay there. Stay there, I'll come over

right now. I'll come over right now. Just

stay there, I'll come right over.

He hangs up. The reporter sits in bed still, taking in the situation.

INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT HALLWAY

Annie, looking slightly distraught, goes to open the door to Alvy's knock.

ALVY

What's- It's me, open up.

ANNIE

(Opening the door)

Oh.

ALVY

Are you okay? What's the matter?

(They look at each other, Annie

sighing)

Are you all right? What-

ANNIE

There's a spider in the bathroom.

ALVY

(Reacting)

What?

ANNIE

There's a big black spider in the bathroom.

ALVY

That's what you got me here for at three

o'clock in the morning, 'cause there's a

spider in the bathroom?

ANNIE

My God, I mean, you know how I am about

insects.

ALVY

(Interrupting, sighing)

Oooh.

ANNIE

-I can't sleep with a live thing crawling

around in the bathroom.

ALVY

Kill it! For Go- What's wrong with you?