ANNIE HALL

Don't you have a can of Raid in the house?

ANNIE

(Shaking her head)

No.

Alvy, disgusted, starts waving his hands and starts to move into the living

room.

ALVY

(Sighing)

I told you a thousand times you should

always keep, uh, a lotta insect spray.

You never know who's gonna crawl over.

ANNIE

(Following him)

I know, I know, and a first-aid kit and

a fire extinguisher.

ALVY

Jesus. All right, gimme a magazine.

I- 'cause I'm a little tired.

(While Annie goes of to find

him a magazine, Alvy, still

talking, glances around the

apartment. He notices a small

book on a cabinet and picks it up.)

You know, you, you joke with-about me,

you make fun of me, but I'm prepared for

anything. An emergency, a tidal wave,

an earthquake. Hey, what is this?

What? Did you go to a rock concert?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Oh, yeah, really? Really? How-how'd

you like it? Was it-was it, I mean,

did it ... was it heavy? Did it achieve

total heavy-ocity? Or was it, uh...

ANNIE

It was just great!

ALVY

(Thumbing through the book)

Oh, humdinger. When- Well, I got a

wonderful idea. Why don'tcha get the

guy who took you to the rock concert,

we'll call him and he can come over and

kill the spider. You know, it's a-

He tosses the book down on the cabinet.

ANNIE

I called you; you wanna help me ... or

not? H'h? Here.

She hands him a magazine.

ALVY

(Looking down at the magazine)

What is this? What are you, since

when do you read the "National Review"?

What are you turning in to?

ANNIE

(Turning to a nearby chair for

some gum in her pocketbook)

Well, I like to try to get all points

of view.

ALVY

It's wonderful. Then why don'tcha get

William F. Buckley to kill the spider?

ANNIE

(Spinning around to face him)

Alvy, you're a little hostile, you

know that? Not only that, you look

thin and tired.

She puts a piece of gum in her mouth.

ALVY

Well, I was in be- It's three o'clock

in the morning. You, uh, you got me

outta bed, I ran over here, I couldn't

get a taxi cab. You said it was an

emergency, and I didn't ge- I ran up

the stairs. Hell - I was a lot more

attractive when the evening began.

Look, uh, tell- Whatta you- Are you

going with a right-wing rock-and roll

star? Is that possible?

ANNIE

(Sitting down on a chair arm

and looking up at Alvy)

Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?

ALVY

Hey, what am I-your son? Whatta you mean?

I-I came over TV --_

ANNIE

(Touching his chest with her hand)

I got the good chocolate, Alvy.

ALVY

Yeah, where is the spider?

ANNIE

It really is lovely. It's in the bathroom.

ALVY

Is he in the bathroom?

ANNIE

(Rising from chair)

Hey, don't squish it, and after it's

dead, flush it down the toilet, okay?

And flush it a couple o' times.

ALVY

(Moving down the hallway to

the bathroom)

Darling, darling, I've been killing

spiders since I was thirty, okay?

ANNIE

(Upset, hands on her neck)

Oh. What?

ALVY

(Coming back into the living room)

Very big spider.

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

Two ... Yeah. Lotta, lotta trouble.

There's two of 'em.

Alvy starts walking down the ball again, Annie following.

ANNIE

Two?

ALVY

(Opening a closet door)

Yep. I didn't think it was that big,

but it's a major spider. You got a

broom or something with a-

ANNIE

Oh, I-I left it at your house.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-snow shovel or anything or something.

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

I think I left it there, I'm sorry.

Reaching up into the closet, Alvy takes out a covered tennis racquet.

ALVY

(Holding the racquet)

Okay, let me have this.

ANNIE

Well, what are you doing ... what are

you doing with-

ALVY

Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom

the size of a Buick.

He walks into the bathroom, Annie looking after him.

ANNIE

Well, okay. Oooh.

Alvy stands in the middle of the bathroom, tennis racquet in one band, rolled

magazine in the other. He looks over at the shelf above the sink and picks up

a small container. He holds it out, shouting off screen to Annie.

ALVY

Hey, what is this? You got black soap?

ANNIE

(Off screen)

It's for my complexion.

ALVY

Whatta-whatta yuh joining a minstrel show?

Geez.

(Alvy turns and starts swapping

the racquet over the shelf, knocking

down articles and breaking glass)

Don't worry!

(He continues to swat the racquet

all over the bathroom. He finally

moves out of the room, hands close

to his body. He walks into the

other room, where Annie is sitting

in a corner of her bed leaning against

the wall)

I did it! I killed them both. What-what's

the matter? Whatta you-

(Annie is sobbing, her band over

her face)

-whatta you sad about? You- What'd you

want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate

'em?

ANNIE

(Sobbing and taking Alvy's arm)

Oh, don't go, okay? Please.

ALVY

(Sitting down next to her)

Whatta you mean, don't go? Whatta-whatta

-what's the matter? Whatta you expecting

-termites? What's the matter?

ANNIE

(Sobbing)

Oh, uh, I don't know. I miss you. Tsch.

She beats her fist on the bed. Reacting, Alvy puts his arm around her shoulder

and leans back against the wall.

ALVY

Oh, Jesus, really?

ANNIE

(Leaning on his shoulder)

Oh, yeah. Oh.

(They kiss)

Oh! Alvy?

ALVY

What?

He touches her face gently as she wipes tears from her face.

ANNIE

Was there somebody in your room when

I called you?

ALVY

W-w-whatta you mean?

ANNIE

I mean was there another- I thought I

heard a voice.

ALVY

Oh, I had the radio on.

ANNIE

Yeah?

ALVY

I'm sorry. I had the television set

... I had the television-

ANNIE

Yeah.

Alvy pulls her to him and they kiss again.

CUT TO:

INT. ALVY'S BED

Alvy is lying in bed next to Annie, who is leaning on her elbow looking down

at him. He rubs her arms and she smiles.

ANNIE

Alvy, let's never break up again. I don't

wanna be apart.

ALVY

Oh, no, no, I think we're both much too

mature for something like that.

ANNIE

Living together hasn't been so bad, has it?

ALVY

It's all right for me, it's been terrific,

you know? Better than either one of my

marriages. See, 'cause. . . 'cause there's

just something different about you. I

don't know what it is, but it's great.

ANNIE

(Snickering)

You know I think that if you let me, maybe

I could help you have more fun, you know?

I mean, I know it's hard and ... Yeah.

ALVY

I don't know.

ANNIE

Alvy, what about ... what if we go away

this weekend, and we could-

ALVY

Tsch, why don't we get ... why don't

we get Rob, and the three of us'll

drive into Brooklyn, you know, and

we show you the old neighborhood.

ANNIE

Okay, okay. Okay.

ALVY

That'd be fun for yuh. Don't you think-

ANNIE

Yeah.

Alvy raises up his head and they kiss.

EXT. HIGHWAY

Annie is behind the wheel in her VW, Rob is beside her, Alvy in the back seat

leaning forward so that his head is between them. They're driving down the

highway.

ANNIE

-me, my God, it's a great day!

ALVY

(Interrupting)

Hey, can yuh watch the road? Watch the --

ROB

(Overlapping)

Yeah, watch the road!

ALVY

You'll total the whole car.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Hey, you know, I never even visited

Brooklyn before.

ROB

I can't wait to see the old neighborhood.

ALVY

Yeah, the neighborhood's gonna be great.

ROB

We can show her the schoolyard.

ALVY

Right. I was a great athlete. Tell

her, Max, I was the best, I was all

schoolyard.

ROB

Yes, I remember.

(Annie laughs)

He was all schoolyard. They threw him

a football once, he tried to dribble it.

ALVY

Yeah, well, I used to lose my glasses a lot.

EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK.

Alvy Annie and Rob move toward the roller coaster on the screen. The area's

deserted. Sea gulls are heard.

ALVY

Oh, look, look, there's that ... that's

-that's my old house. That's where I

used to live.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Holy cow!

ROB

You're lucky, Max-where I used to live

is now a pornographic equipment store.

Annie laughs.

ALVY

I have some very good memories there.

ROB

What kind of good memories, Max?

Your mother and father fighting all

the time.

ALVY

Yeah, and always over the most

ridiculous things.

FLASHBACK - INT. ALVY'S HOUSE.

Alvy's father sits in his chair. His mother is polishing a door while Alvy

lies on the floor playing. Annie, adult Alvy and Rob quietly walk into the

scene to watch.

ALVY'S FATHER

You fired the cleaning woman?

ALVY'S MOTHER

She was stealing.

ALVY'S FATHER

But she's colored.

ALVY'S MOTHER

SO?

ALVY'S FATHER

So the colored have enough trouble.

ALVY'S MOTHER

She was going through my pocketbook!

ALVY'S FATHER

They're persecuted enough!

ALVY'S MOTHER

Who's persecuting? She stole!

Alvy's father gets up and gets his hard hat. He sits back down and starts

polishing it.

ALVY'S FATHER

All right-so we can afford it.

ALVY'S MOTHER

How can we afford it? On your pay?

What if she steals more?

ALVY'S FATHER

She's a colored woman, from Harlem!

She has no money! She's got a right

to steal from us! After all, who is

she gonna steal from if not us?