ANNIE HALL

ALVY

(Counting on his fingers)

How can you say that? I mean,

(Making sounds)

who said I-I-I-I said that you, I and that

girl from your acting class should sleep

together in a threesome.

ANNIE

(Reacting)

That's sick!

ALVY

Yeah, I know it's sick, but it's new.

You know, you didn't say it couldn't be

sick.

Annie laughs, chatters.

WOMAN FRIEND

Just come on, Alvy.

(All four are now sitting on the

sofa. The male friend starts to

prepare lines of cocaine; Alvy

and Annie look at each other,

reacting)

Do your body a favor. Try it, come on.

ALVY

Oh, yeah?

ANNIE

Yeah. Come on. It'd be fun.

ALVY

(Moving forward on the couch)

Oh, I'm sure it's a lot of fun, 'cause

the Incas did it, you know, and-and

they-they-they were a million laughs.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Alvy, come on, for your own experience.

I mean, you wanna write, why not?

MALE FRIEND

It's great stuff, Alvy. Friend of mine

just brought it in from California.

ANNIE

Oh, do you know something-I didn't tell

yuh, we're going to California next week.

GIRL

Oh, really?

ANNIE

Yeah ...

ALVY

... I'm thrilled. As you know, uh ...

uh, on my agent's advice I sold out,

and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV.

ANNIE

(Interrupting)

No, no, no that's not it at all. Alvy's

giving an award on television. Gee, he

talks like he's violating a moral issue

sitting here.

GIRL

You're kidding?

ALVY

It's so phony, and we have to leave New

York during Christmas week, which really

kills me.

MAN

(Interrupting)

Alvy, listen, while you're in California,

could you possibly score some coke for me?

Annie laughs.

ALVY

(Over Annie's laughter)

Sure, sure, I'll be glad to. I-I'll just

put it in a-a-a h-h-hollow heel that I

have in my boot, you know.

(Alvy picks up the small open

gold case of cocaine base the man

placed on the coffee table and

looks at it, reacting)

H-h-how much is this stuff?

MAN

It's about two thousand dollars an ounce.

ANNIE

God.

ALVY

Really? And what is the kick of it?

Because I never ...

He puts his finger into the drug, smells it and then sneezes. The powder

blows all over the room as the man, woman and Annie react silently.

CUT TO:

CALIFORNIA. BEVERLY HILLS STREET-DAY

It's a warm, beautiful day. Rob, Annie and Alvy in Rob's convertible are

moving past the spacious houses, the palm trees. The sunlight reflects off

the car. Annie, excited, is taking the whole place in. Background voices

sing Christmas carols.

VOICES

(Singing)

We wish you a Merry Christmas,

We wish you a Merry Christmas,

We wish you a Merry Christmas,

And a -Happy New Year.

ROB

(Over the singing)

I've never been so relaxed as I have

been since I moved out here, Max. I

want you to see my house. I live

right next to Hugh Hefner's house, Max.

He lets me use the Jacuzzi. And the

women, Max, they're like the women in

Playboy magazine, only they can move

their arms and legs.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

You know, I can't get over that this is

really Beverly Hills.

VOICES

(Singing)

We wish you a Merry Christmas,

And a Happy New Year.

ALVY

Yeah, the architecture is really consistent,

isn't it? French next to-

VOICES

(Singing over the dialogue)

Oh, Christmas ... tree,

Oh, Christmas tree,

How bright and green

Our ...

ALVY

-Spanish, next to Tudor, next to Japanese.

ANNIE

God, it's so clean out here.

ALVY

It's that they don't throw their garbage

away. They make it into television shows.

ROB

Aw, come on, Max, give us a break, will

yuh? It's Christmas.

Annie starts snapping pictures of the view.

ALVY

Can you believe this is Christmas here?

VOICES

(Singing)

Oh Christmas tree,

Oh Christmas tree ...

They pass a large house with spacious lawn. Sitting on the lawn is a Santa

Claus complete with sleigh and reindeer. Voices continue to sing Christmas

carols; Annie continues to take pictures.

ANNIE

You know, it was snowing-it was snowing

and really gray in New York yesterday.

ROB

No kidding?

ALVY

Right-well, Santa Claus will have

sunstroke.

ROB

Max, there's no crime, there's no mugging.

ALVY

There's no economic crime, you know,

but there's-there's ritual, religious-

cult murders, you know, there's wheat-

germ killers out here.

ROB

While you're out here, Max, I want you

to see some of my TV show. And we're

invited to a big Christmas party.

They continue driving, now in a less residential area, passing a hot-dog stand.

"Tail-Pup" concession; people mill about eating hot dogs.

VOICES

(Singing, louder now)

Remember Christ our Savior

Was born on Christmas day

To save us all ... from Satan's power

As we were gone astray.

They pass a theater, the marquee announcing "House of Exorcism Messiah of Evil.

Rated R. Starts at 7:15."

INT. TV CONTROL ROOM.

Several monitors line the wall in front of an elaborate console. Rob and Alvy,

along with Charlie, the technician, stand in the small room watching the

screens showing Rob as a television star on a situation comedy. They chatter,

analyzing the footage, over the sounds of the taped television comedy.

ALVY

(Overlapping the chatter)

Oh.

ROB

Look, now, Charlie, give me a big

laugh here.

ROB ON TV SCREEN

A limousine to the track breakdown?

ROB

(Watching)

A little bigger.

TV monitors go black as the technician turns of the monitors to fix the laugh

track.

ALVY

Do you realize how immoral this all is?

ROB

Max, I've got a hit series.

ALVY

Yeah, I know; but you're adding fake

laughs.

Technicians turn the monitors back on, showing Rob on the screen with another

character, Arnie.

ARNIE

Oh, I'm sorry.

ROB ON TV SCREEN

Arnie.

ARNIE

Yeah.

ROB

(Turning to the technician)

Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie.

ALVY

Look, uh ...

Loud laughter from the TV monitors.

ROB

(To Alvy)

We do the show live in front of an

audience.

ALVY

Great, but nobody laughs at it 'cause

your jokes aren't funny.

ROB

Yeah, well, that's why this machine

is dynamite.

ROB ON TV SCREEN

You better lie down. You've been in

the sun too long.

ROB

(To the technician)

Yeah ... uh, now give me a like a

medium-size chuckle here ... and

then a big hand.

The sounds of laughter and applause are heard from the TV.

ALVY

(Removing his glasses and

rubbing his face)

Is there booing on there?

The monitors show a woman on the screen.

WOMAN

We were just gonna fix you up with my

cousin Dolores.

ALVY

(Overlapping the TV)

Oh, Max, I don't feel well.

ROB

What's the matter?

ALVY

I don't know, I just got-I got very dizzy...

(Coughing)

I feel dizzy, Max.

ROB

Well, sit down.

ALVY

(Sitting down)

Oh, Jesus.

ROB

You all right?

ALVY

I don't know, I mean, I-

ROB

(Crouching before Alvy, looking

at him)

You wanna lie down?

ALVY

No, no-my, you know, my stomach felt

queasy all morning. I just started

getting ...

ROB

How about a ginger ale?

ALVY

Oh, Max ... no, I maybe I better lie

down.

INT. HOTEL ROOM.

Alvy lies in bed, one elbow propped up, a doctor sitting next to him looking

concerned. The doctor bolds out a plate of chicken; Alvy listlessly stares at

it. Annie, in the background, is on the phone.

ANNIE

(Talking into the phone)

Yes.

DOCTOR

(Holding out the food)

Why don't you just try to get a little

of this down? This is just plain chicken.

ALVY

(Taking a piece of chicken and

holding it)

Oh, oh, no, I can't-I can't eat this.

I'm nauseous.

(He gasps and makes sounds)

If you could-if you could just give me

something to get me through the next two

hours, you know I-I have to go out to

Burbank ... and give out an award on a

TV show.

ANNIE

(On the phone, overlapping the

doctor and Alvy)

Well ... H-h huh ... Oh, good ... Yes,

I'll tell him.

DOCTOR

Well, there's nothing wrong with you

actually, so far as I can tell. I mean,

you have no fever, no ... no symptoms

of anything serious. You haven't been

eating pork or shellfish.

Annie bangs up and moves over to Alvy.

ANNIE

(Sitting on the edge of the bed)

Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Doctor.

Uh, Alvy-Alvy, that was the show. They

said everything is fine. They found a

replacement, so they're going to tape

without you.

ALVY

(Making sounds)

I'm nauseous.

(He sighs and gasps)

Oh, jesus, now I don't get to do the

TV show?

Reacting, Alvy puts up his band in disgust, then starts eating the piece of

chicken he has been holding. The doctor and Annie watch him, reacting.

ANNIE

Yeah. Listen, Doctor, I'm worried.

DOCTOR

Now, Mrs. Singer, I can't find anything --

ALVY

Christ!

ANNIE

Nothing at all?

DOCTOR

No, I think I can get a lab man up here.

ALVY

(Grabbing the rest of the chicken

from the plate)

Oh, jesus. Can I have the salt, please?

ANNIE

What do you mean? Do you think he's-

DOCTOR

(Handing the salt to Alvy)

Yes, excuse me.

(To Annie)

Perhaps it would be even better if we

took him to the hospital for a day or two.

Alvy begins to eat.

ANNIE

Uh-huh ... Oh, hospital?

DOCTOR

Well, otherwise, there's no real way to

tell what's going on.

ALVY