ANNIE HALL

on next.

ALVY

(Rubbing his hands together

nervously)

What do you mean, next?

ALLISON

(Laughing)

Uh ... I mean you're on right after

this act.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

No, it can't be, because he's a comic.

ALLISON

Yes.

ALVY

So what are you telling me, you're

putting on two comics in a row?

ALLISON

Why not?

ALVY

No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I can't

... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.

ALLISON

It's okay.

ALVY

No, because they're-they're laughing, so

(He starts laughing nervously)

I-I-I'd rather not. If you don't mind,

I prefer-

ALLISON

(Overlapping)

Will you relax, please? They're gonna

love you, I know.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

I prefer not to, because ... look,

they're laughing at him. See, so what

are yuh telling me-

They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.

ALLISON

(Overlapping)

Yes.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

-that I've got to ... ah ... ah ...

They're gonna laugh at him for a couple

minutes, then I gotta go out there, I

gotta ... get laughs, too. How much can

they laugh?

(Off screen)

They-they they're laughed out.

ALLISON

(Off screen)

Do you feel all right?

As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts to their point of

view: a comedian standing at a podium in front of huge waving pictures of Adlai

Stevenson. The audience, laughing and clapping, sits at round tables in

clusters around the room.

The camera moves back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage. Alvy is swinging

his hands nervously.

COMEDIAN

(Off screen, onstage)

You know ...

Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the background mill about.

ALVY

(Above the chatter around him)

Look, what's your-what's your name?

COMEDIAN

(Off screen)

... General Eisenhower is not ...

ALLISON

(Looking out at the stage)

Allison.

ALVY

Yeah? Allison what?

ALLISON

(Still looking off screen)

Portchnik.

COMEDIAN

... a group from the ...

ALVY

(Coughing)

Thank you. I-I don't know why they would

have me at this kind of rally 'cause ...

(He clears his throat)

Excuse me, I'm not essentially a political

comedian at all.

The audience starts to laugh.

ALVY

I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ...

a woman in the Eisenhower Administration

... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to

me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I

was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what

Eisenhower has been doing to the country

for the last eight years.

The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch offstage.

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM.

Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing. There are books all over the room;

a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits

on the edge of the bed. Allison looks at him.

ALVY

H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with

this, because it-I can't get it off my

mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!

ALLISON

Well, I'm getting tired of it. I need

your attention.

Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the room,

gesturing with his hands.

ALVY

It-but it-it ... doesn't make any sense.

He drove past the book depository and the

police said conclusively that it was an

exit wound. So-how is it possible for

Oswald to have fired from two angles at

once? It doesn't make sense.

ALLISON

Alvy.

Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs. He then snaps his

fingers and starts walking again.

ALVY

I'll tell you this! He was not marksman

enough to hit a moving target at that

range. But ...

(Clears his throat)

if there was a second assassin ... it-

That's it!

Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison gets up

from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.

ALLISON

We've been through this.

ALVY

If they-they recovered the shells from

that rifle.

ALLISON

(Moving back to the bed and

lighting a cigarette)

Okay. All right, so whatta yuh saying,

now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren

Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?

ALVY

Well, why not?

ALLISON

Yeah, Earl Warren?

ALVY

(Moving toward the bed)

Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.

ALLISON

Lyndon Johnson?

ALVY

(Propping one knee on the bed

and gesturing)

L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a

politician. You know the ethics those

guys have? It's like-uh, a notch

underneath child molester.

ALLISON

Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?

ALVY

(Nodding his head)

Tsch.

ALLISON

The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar

Hoover and oil companies and the

Pentagon and the men's-room attendant

at the White House?

Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts walking

again.

ALVY

I-I-I-I would leave out the men's-room

attendant.

ALLISON

You're using this conspiracy theory as

an excuse to avoid sex with me.

ALVY

Oh, my God!

(Then, to the camera)

She's right! Why did I turn off Allison

Portchnik? She was-she was beautiful. She

was willing. She was real ... intelligent.

(Sighing)

Is it the old Groucho Marx joke? That-that

I-I just don't wanna belong to any club that

would have someone like me for a member?

EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY

Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned exterior of a beach

house in the Hamptons. As they continue to talk, the camera moves inside the

house. Alvy is picking up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters

crawling on the floor. Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of

groceries sit on the counter. There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator.

ANNIE

Alvy, now don't panic. Please.

ALVY

Look, I told you it was a ... mistake

to ever bring a live thing in the house.

ANNIE

Stop it! Don't ... don't do that! There.

The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor. Annie, bolding out a wooden

paddle, tries to shove them onto it.

ALVY

Well, maybe we should just call the police.

Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.

ANNIE

Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for

God's sake.

ALVY

If they're only babies, then you pick

'em up.

ANNIE

Oh, all right. All right! It's all

right. Here.

She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail. Laughing,

she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.

ALVY

Don't give it to me. Don't!

ANNIE

(Hysterically)

Oooh! Here! Here!

ALVY

(Pointing)

Look! Look, one crawled behind the

refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed

at night.

(They move over to the refrigerator;

Alvy moves as close to the wall as

possible as Annie, covering her mouth

and laughing hysterically, teasingly

dangles a lobster in front of him)

Will you get outta here with that thing?

Jesus!

ANNIE

(Laughing, to the lobster)

Get him!

ALVY

(Laughing)

Talk to him. You speak shellfish!

(He moves over to the stove and

takes the lid of a large steamer

filled with boiling water)

Hey, look ... put it in the pot.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I

can't put a live thing in hot water.

ALVY

(Overlapping)

Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What-what's

he think we're gonna do, take him to the

movies?

Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and drops it

gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.

ANNIE

(Overlapping Alvy and making sounds)

Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good, now

he'll think-

(She screams)

Aaaah! Okay.

ALVY

(Overlapping Annie)

Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot!

ANNIE

All right. All right. All right.

She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster. Smiling,

she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator trying to

push it from the wall.

ALVY

Annie, there's a big lobster behind

the refrigerator. I can't get it out.

This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a

little dish of butter sauce here with a

nutcracker, it will run out the other

side, you know what I mean?

ANNIE

(Overlapping)

Yeah. I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna

get my camera.

ALVY

You know, I-I think ... if I could pry

this door off ... We shoulda gotten steaks

'cause they don't have legs. They don't

run around.

Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks up the paddle.

Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up knocking over dishes and hitting the

chandelier. Holding the paddle, he finally leans back against the sink.

Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures of him.

ANNIE

Great! Great!

(Screaming)

Goddammit!

(Screaming)

Ooooh! These are ... p-p-p-pick this

lobster up. Hold it, please!

ALVY

All right! All right! All right! All

right! Whatta yuh mean? Are yuh gonna

take pictures now?

ANNIE

It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy, it'll

be wonderful ... Ooooh, lovely!

ALVY

(Picking up the lobster Annie

placed on the counter earlier)

All right, here! Oh, God, it's disgusting!

Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking out his tongue and

making a face.

ANNIE

Don't be a jerk. One more, Alvy, please,

one more picture.

(Reluctantly Alvy picks up the

lobster again as Annie takes

another picture)

Oh, oh, good, good!

EXT. OCEAN FRONT-DUSK.

The camera pans Annie and Alvy as they walk along the shore.

ALVY

So, so-well, here's what I wanna know.

W-what ...

(He clears his throat)

Am I your first big romance?

ANNIE

Oh ... no, no, no, no, uh, uh. No.

ALVY

Well, then, w-who was?

ANNIE

Oh, well, let's see, there was Dennis,

from Chippewa Falls High School.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK OF DENNIS LEANING AGAINST A CAR - NIGHT

Behind him is a movie theater with "MARILYN MONROE, 'MISFITS' " on the marquee.

He looks at his watch as the younger Annie, in a beehive hairdo, moves into the

frame. They kiss quickly and look at each other, smiling.

ALVY'S VOICE

(Off screen)

Dennis-right, uh, uh ... local kid

probably, would meetcha in front of the

movie house on Saturday night.

ANNIE'S VOICE

Oh, God, you should've seen what I looked

like then.

ALVY'S VOICE

(Off screen, laughing)

Oh, I can imagine. P-p-probably the

wife of an astronaut.

ANNIE'S VOICE

Then there was Jerry, the actor.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK OF BRICK-WALLED APARTMENT - NIGHT

The younger, Annie and Jerry lean against the wall. Jerry is running his band

down Annie's bare arm. Annie and Alvy walk into the room, observing the younger

Annie, in jeans and T-shirt, with Jerry.

ALVY'S VOICE

(Laughing)

Look at you, you-you,-re such a clown.

ANNIE'S VOICE

I look pretty.

ALVY'S VOICE

Well, yeah, you always look pretty, but

that guy with you ...

JERRY

Acting is like an exploration of the soul.

I-it's very religious. Uh, like, uh, a

kind of liberating consciousness. It's

like a visual poem.

ALVY

(Laughing)

Is he kidding with that crap?

YOUNGER ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, right. Right, yeah, I think I

know exactly what you mean, when you

say "religious."

ALVY

(Incredulous, to Annie)

You do?

ANNIE

(Still watching)

Oh, come on-I mean, I was still younger.

ALVY

Hey, that was last year.

JERRY

It's like when I think of dying. You

know how I would like to die?

YOUNGER ANNIE

No, how?

JERRY

I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.

ALVY'S VOICE

Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels.

ANNIE'S VOICE

Hey, listen-I mean, he was a terrific actor,

and look at him, he's neat-looking and he

was emotional ... Y-hey, I don't think you

like emotion too much.

Jerry stops rubbing the younger Annie's arm and slides down to the floor as

she raises her foot toward his chest.

JERRY

Touch my heart ... with your foot.

ALVY'S VOICE

I-I may throw up!

CUT BACK TO:

EXTERIOR. BEACH-DUSK

It's now sunset, the water reflecting the last light. The camera moves over

the scene. The off screen voices of Alvy and Annie are heard as they walk, the

camera always one step ahead of them.

ANNIE

He was creepy.

ALVY

Yeah, I-I think you're pretty lucky I

came along.

ANNIE

(Laughing)

Oh, really? Well, la-de-da!

ALVY

La-de-da. If I-if anyone had ever told

me that I would be taking out a girl who

used expressions like "la-de-da" . . .

ANNIE

Oh, that's right. That you really like

those New York girls.

ALVY

Well, no ... not just, not only.

ANNIE

Oh, I'd say so. You married-

CUT TO:

INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT-NIGHT

A cocktail party is in progress, the rooms crowded with guests as Alvy and

Robin make their way through the people. A waiter, carrying a tray, walks

past them. Alvy reaches out to pick up a glass; Robin reaches over and picks

it of the tray first. There is much low-key chatter in the background.

ANNIE

(Off screen)

-two of them.

ROBIN

There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair

in history at Princeton. Oh, the short

man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair

in philosophy at Cornell.

ALVY

Yeah, two more chairs and they got a

dining-room set.

ROBIN

Why are you so hostile?

ALVY

(Sighing)

'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on

television.

ROBIN

(Squinting)

Is that Paul Goodman? No. And be nice

to the host because he's publishing my

book. Hi, Doug! Douglas Wyatt.

"A Foul-Rag-and-Bone Shop-of-the-Heart."

They move through the rooms, Robin holding a drink in one hand, her arm draped

in Alvy's; the crowd mills around them.

ALVY

(Taking Robin's hand)

I'm so tired of spending evenings making

fake insights with people who work for

Dysentery.

ROBIN

Commentary.

ALVY

Oh, really, I heard that Commentary and

Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.

ROBIN

No jokes-these are friends, okay?

INT. BEDROOM

Alvy sits on the foot of the bed watching the Knicks game on television.

TV ANNOUNCER

(Off screen)

Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New

York Knicks.

Robin enters the room, slamming the door.

ROBIN

Here you are. There's people out there.

ALVY

Hey, you wouldn't believe this. Two

minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead fourteen

points, and now ...

(Clears his throat)

they're ahead two points.

ROBIN

Alvy, what is so fascinating about a group

of pituitary cases trying to stuff the

ball through a hoop?

ALVY

(Looking at Robin)

What's fascinating is that it's physical.

You know, it's one thing about intellectuals,

they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant

and have no idea what's going on. But on the

other hand ...

(Clears his throat)

the body doesn't lie, as-as we now know.

Alvy reaches over, pulls Robin down onto the bed. He kisses her and moves

farther up on the bed.

ROBIN

Stop acting out.

She sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at the sprawled-out Alvy.

ALVY

No, it'll be great! It'll be great,

be-because all those Ph.D.'s are in

there, you know, like ... discussing

models of alienation and we'll be in

here quietly humping.

He pulls Robin toward him, caressing her as she pulls herself away.

ROBIN

Alvy, don't! You're using sex to

express hostility.

ALVY

"'Why-why do you always r-reduce my

animal urges to psychoanalytic categories?'

(Clears his throat)

he said as he removed her brassiere..."

ROBIN

(Pulling away again)

There are people out there from The New

Yorker magazine. My God! What would they

think?

She gets up and fixes the zipper on her dress. She turns and moves toward the

door.

INT. APARTMENT-NIGHT

Robin and Alvy are in bed. The room is in darkness. Outside, a siren starts

blaring.

ROBIN

Oh, I'm sorry!