ANNIE HALL

they're gonna tell yuh their stories, you're

gonna fall down, but I gotta be really

talented. Material's gotta be sensational

for me 'cause I work, you know, with very,

very ... Come on, I'm kinda classy, you

know what I mean? Uh ... uh ... lemme

explain. For instance, I open with an

opening song. A musical start like

(Ad-lib singing)

and I walk out

(Ad-lib singing)

"Place looks wonderful from here and

you folks look wonderful from here!

(Singing)

"And seein' you there

With a smile on your face

Makes me shout

This must be the place."

Then I stop right in the middle and then

I open with some jokes. Now, that's where

I need you, right there. For instance, like

I say, "Hey, I just got back from Canada,

you know, they speak a lotta French up

there. The only way to remember Jeanne

d'Arc means the light's out in the bathroom!"

(He laughs. Seated Alvy looks

up smiling)

"Oh, I met a big lumberjack ..."

ALVY'S VOICE

(To himself)

Jesus, this guy's pathetic.

COMIC

(Overlapping above speech)

... big lumberjack ...

ALVY'S VOICE

(To himself while the comic

continues his routine)

Look at him mincing around, like he

thinks he's real cute. You wanna throw

up. If only I had the nerve to do my

own jokes. I don't know how much longer

I can keep this smile frozen on my face.

I'm in the wrong business, I know it.

COMIC

(Overlapping above speech)

"'Cherie, come back. I love you.

(Shaking his lips and mimicking)

But, uh, Cheri, what will I do with this,

uh?' He says, 'Aw, Marie, sometime you

make me so mad."'

(Laughing)

Oh, they scream at that. Now, write me

somethin' like that, will yuh? Kinda

French number, can yuh do it? Huh, kid?

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

The darkened auditorium is filled with college students applauding and cheering,

excited, as Alvy stands on spotlighted stage holding the microphone.

ALVY

(Gesturing)

W-where am I? I-I keep ... I have to

reorient myself. This is the University

of Wisconsin, right? So I'm always ...

I'm tense and ... uh, when I'm playin' a

col- I've a very bad history with colleges.

You know, I went to New York University and,

uh, tsch, I was thrown out of NYU my freshman

year ... for cheating on my metaphysics final.

You know, I looked within the soul of the

boy sitting next to me-

(The audience laughs; they're with him)

-and when I was thrown out, my mother,

who's an emotionally high-strung woman,

locked herself in the bathroom and took an

overdose of mah-jongg tiles.

(More applause and laughter)

And, uh, tsch, I was depressed. I was ...

in analysis, I-I, uh, was suicidal; as a

matter of fact, uh, I would have killed

myself but I was in analysis with a strict

Freudian and if you kill yourself ... they

make you pay for the sessions you miss.

INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER.

Students mill around Alvy banding him pens and paper for autographs.

Annie is next to him, talking over the chattering fans.

ANNIE

Alvy, you were ... Alvy, you were just

great, I'm not kidding. It was- You

were so neat.

ALVY

C-c-coll- College audiences are so wonderful.

ANNIE

Yeah. Yeah. And you know something?

I think that I'm starting to get more

of your references, too.

ALVY

Are yuh?

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

Well, the twelve o'clock show is

completely different than the nine.

YOUNG WOMAN

(Interrupting)

May I have your autograph?

ANNIE

(Over lapping above speech)

Oh.

ALVY

(To Annie, while autographing)

You're so sure about it.

ANNIE

Oh, I'm really, uh, looking forward to

tomorrow. I mean, you know, I think that

it'll be really nice to meet Mother and

Father.

They start moving toward the exit, a girl snapping a picture of Alvy with a

flash camera as they walk through the crowd.

ALVY

Yeah, I know, they'll hate me immediately.

(To one of his fans)

Thank you.

ANNIE

No, I don't think so. No, I don't think

they're gonna hate you at all. On the

contrary, I think-

ALVY

Yeah.

ANNIE

It's Easter. You know, we'll have a nice

dinner, we'll sit down and eat. I think

they're gonna really like you.

EXT. ANNIE'S PARENTS' HOME-DAY

The camera shows a neat two-story house surrounded by a well-manicured green

lawn, then cuts to:

INT. DINING ROOM.

Alvy and the Halls are eating Easter dinner. The sun is pouring through a big

picture window, shining on a large, elegantly laid out table. Alvy sits, at one

end,- rubbing his nose and chewing, the Halls flanking him on either side: Mr.

and Mrs. Hall, Grammy, and Annie's brother, Duane.

MOM HALL

(Holding her wine glass)

It's a nice ham this year, Mom.

Grammy Hall takes a sip of her wine and nods.

ANNIE

(Smiling at Duane)

Oh, yeah. Grammy always does such

a good job.

DAD HALL

(Chewing)

A great sauce.

ALVY

It is.

(Smacking his lips)

It's dynamite ham.

Grammy Hall stares down the table at Alvy; a look of utter dislike. Alvy tries

not to notice.

MOM HALL

(To Dad Hall, smoothing her hair)

We went over to the swap meet. Annie,

Gram and I. Got some nice picture frames.

ANNIE

We really had a good time.

Grammy continues to stare at Alvy; he is now dressed in the long black coat and

hat of the Orthodox Jew, complete with mustache and heard.

MOM HALL

(Lighting a cigarette and turning

to Alvy)

Ann tells us that you've been seeing a

psychiatrist for fifteen years.

ALVY

(Setting down his glass and coughing)

Yes. I'm making excellent progress.

Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch,

I won't have to wear the lobster bib.

Mom Hall reacts by sipping from her glass and frowning. Grammy continues to

stare.

DAD HALL

Duane and I went out to the boat basin.

DUANE

We were caulkin' holes all day.

DAD HALL

Yeah.

(Laughing)

Randolph Hunt was drunk, as usual.

MOM HALL

Oh, that Randolph Hunt. You remember

Randy Hunt, Annie. He was in the choir

with you.

ANNIE

Oh, yes, yes.

Alvy, leaning his elbow on the table, looks out toward the camera.

ALVY

(To the audience)

I can't believe this family.

(Making chewing sounds)

Annie's mother. She really's beautiful.

And they're talkin' swap meets and boat

basins, and the old lady at the end of

the table

(Pointing to Grammy)

is a classic Jew hater. And, uh, they,

they realty look American, you know,

very healthy and ... like they never

get sick or anything. Nothing like my

family. You know, the two are like oil

and water.

The screen splits in half - on the right is Alvy's family - his mother, father,

aunt and uncle-busily eating at the crowded kitchen table. They eat quickly

and interrupt one another loudly. On the left the Halls in their dining room.

Both dialogues overlap, juxtaposed.

ALVY'S FATHER

Let 'im drop dead! Who needs his

business?!

ALVY'S MOTHER

His wife has diabetes!

ALVY'S FATHER

Di-diabetes? Is that any excuse?

Diabetes?

ALVY'S UNCLE

The man is fifty years old and doesn't

have a substantial job.

ALVY'S AUNT

(Putting more meat on her

husband's plate)

Is that a reason to steal from his father?

ALVY'S UNCLE

Whatta you talkin' about? You don't

know what you're talking about.

ALVY'S AUNT

Yes, I know what I'm talking about.

ALVY'S MOTHER

(Interrupting)

George, defend him!

ALVY'S UNCLE

(Over Alvy's father's muttering)

No Moskowitz he had a coronary.

ALVY'S AUNT

You don't say.

ALVY'S MOTHER

We fast.

MOM HALL

Stupid Thelma Poindexter ... to the

Veterans Hospital.

DAD HALL

My God, he's the new president of the

El Regis. Let me tell you, the man is

somethin' else.

MOM HALL

That's Jack's wife. We used to make

that outta raisins.

ANNIE

Oh, yes, that's right. Did you see

the new play?

MOM HALL

Oh, you remember her, Annie.

ANNIE

Yes, I do.

The two families start talking back and forth to one another. The screen is

still split.

MOM HALL

How do you plan to spend the holidays,

Mrs. Singer?

DAD HALL

Fast?

ALVY'S FATHER

Yeah, no food. You know, we have to

atone for our sins.

MOM HALL

What sins? I don't understand.

ALVY'S FATHER

Tell you the truth, neither do we.

CUT TO:

INT. DUANE'S BEDROOM-NIGHT

Duane, sitting on his bed, sees Alvy walking past the open door.

DUANE

Alvy.

ALVY