AntZ

A N T Z 

     CHARACTERS                                            VOICES

     "Z"...............................................WOODY ALLEN
     "WASP #1".........................................DAN AYKROYD
     "WASP #2".........................................JANE CURTIN
     "GEN. FORMICA"...................................DANNY GLOVER
     "MANDIBLE".......................................GENE HACKMAN
     "AZTECA".......................................JENNIFER LOPEZ
     "DRUNK SCOUT"....................................JOHN MAHONEY
     "WEAVER"...................................SYLVESTER STALLONE
     "PRINCESS BALA"..................................SHARON STONE
     "QUEEN"..........................................MERYL STREEP
     "CARPENTER"................................CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

                         Z (O.S.)
                      (over a dark screen)
               All my life, I've lived and worked in
               the big city...

     We see:

     EXT. AN ANT MOUND - DAY

     The camera swoops towards the entrance, then dives inside,
     past a couple of tough-looking soldier ants who stand at the
     gates of the ant colony like insect bouncers...into an access
     tunnel that snakes this way and that, past a row of ants
     plodding along...

     ...and into the MAIN CHAMBER of the colony, a huge, teeming
     vista that seems to stretch away forever, filled with ants
     rushing here and there on their business.  We see -- a
     "traffic cop" directing foot traffic, waving his arms like
     crazy so both sides move at once -- a column of soldier ants
     marching along in formation -- a chain of ants letting down
     a matchbox elevator filled with workers.

                         Z (V.O.)
               ...which is kind of a problem, since
               I've always felt uncomfortably in
               crowds.

     INT. MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR'S OFFICE - DAY

     We join Z, a worker ant with issues.  He's lying on a couch,
     recounting his woes.

                         Z
               I feel...isolated.  Different.  I've
               got abandonment issues.  My father
               flew away when I was just a larva.
               My mother didn't have much time for
               me...when you have five million
               siblings, it's difficult to get
               attention.
                      (pause)
               I feel physically inadequate -- I've
               never been able to lift more than ten
               times my own weight.  Sometimes I
               think I'm just not cut out to be a
               worker.  But I don't have any other
               options.  I was assigned to trade
               school when I was just a grub.  The
               whole system just...makes me
               feel...insignificant.

                         MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
                      (enthusiastic)
               Terrific!  You should feel
               insignificant!

     For the first time, we see the ant MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR.
     He's a mixture of Tony Robbins and Ron Popiel (the
     hyperactive late-night TV huckster, and founder of "Ronco").

                         Z
               ...I should?

                         MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
                      (hopping around
                       enthusiastically)
               YES!!!  You know, people ask me,
               "Doctor, why are you always happy?"
               And I tell them it's mind over
               matter.  I don't mind that I don't
               matter!  Do you get it?  Do you get
               it?

     Z gives a fake smile.

                         MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
                      (incredibly "up")
               Z, we're part of the fastest growing
               species in the whole world!

     The counsellor rolls down a chart from the wall.  An arrow
     shows ant population going up, up, up.

                         MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
               Ask me why we're so successful.

                         Z
               Why are we so successful?

                         MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
               I'm glad you asked me that question!

     The motivational counsellor opens some blinds...and we see a
     vista of the ant-filled chamber below.

                         MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
               What do you see out there?

                         Z
               ...Ants...

                         MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
               Right!  Ants!  Millions of creatures,
               each with his assigned task, all
               pulling together!

     Down below, we see a group of ants carrying a boulder up an
     incline.  One worker ants slips, and the boulder rolls down,
     crushing his leg.  The other ants rush over -- it looks like
     they're going to help their fallen comrade, but instead, they
     climb right over him, and pick up the boulder, continuing
     with their task.

                         MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
               You see?  Being an ant is being able
               to say, "Hey -- I'm meaningless,
               you're meaningless."

                         Z
               But -- but I've always felt life was
               about finding meaning...and then
               sharing it with someone special,
               someone you love.

     The motivational counsellor puts his arm on Z's shoulder...he
     seems to understand...

                         MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
               Z...you need help.
                      (looking at a clock)
               Whoops!  We're gonna have to stop
               there.  Your minute is up!

     The counsellor ushers Z out of his seat and towards the door.

                         MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
               Now back to work!  We've made real
               progress!  Remember -- let's be
               best superorganism we can be!

     INT. EARLY MEGA-TUNNEL - DAY

     A gigantic tunnel, with the size and scale of the "Chunnel".
     A banner strung overhead reads: "The Mega-Tunnel -- Tunneling
     Our Way to a Bright Future!"  Along the walls hang 50's work-
     incentive style posters with messages like, "You asked for
     it, you got it -- more work!" and "TWO MEALS A WEEK IS
     ENOUGH!!!"  Line after line of ants is working on the tunnel,
     digging, passing clumps of dirt from ant to ant, everyone
     synchronized.

     CLOSE on a clump of DIRT being passed from hand to hand.
     PULL OUT TO REVEAL

     AZTECA, a feisty, cynical, female worker ant, who stands
     there, waiting to pass the dirt on.  Z is daydreaming behind
     her, with clumps of dirt starting to pile up in front of him.

                         AZTECA
               Hello?!  Earth to Z!  You better snap
               out of it, or there's gonna be a lot
               of pissed off ants!

     Z looks back, and sees the ants behind staring at him angrily.

                         Z
                      (snapping out of it)
               Sorry Azteca.  Here you go, fellas!
               Fresh dirt!  Alley oop!
                      (looking at the dirt)
               Shouldn't we be wearing gloves?  I
               mean this dirt is very...dirty.
               Doesn't anyone think of hygiene?
                      (Z's stomach growls)
               Boy am I hungry.  I'm so hungry I'm
               seeing double.  It looks like there's
               two million ants in here.  When's
               lunch?  Tomorrow, or the day after?

                         AZTECA
                      (sweetly)
               Z, old pal...
                      (shouts)
               SHUT UP!!!  It's bad enough there's
               a food shortage without you
               complaining about it every day.

                         Z
               The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

                         AZTECA
               No, Z.  The squeaky wheel gets thrown
               away, alright?  You're a good ant, Z,
               even though you are a pain in my rear-
               segment.  I don't wanna see
               anything happen to you.  So quit
               mouthing off, before you get in
               trouble.

     A WHISTLE BLOWS.

                         Z
               Thank goodness.  Breaktime.

     All the ants put down their tools.  A beat.  Then the WHISTLE
     BLOWS AGAIN.  All the ants pick up their tools again.

                         AZTECA
                      (resigned)
               Break's over.

                         Z
                      (getting back to work)
               This colony needs another tunnel like
               a hole in the ground.  Why are we
               even digging this thing?

                         AZTECA
               Who cares, Z.  All I know is, we
               gotta dig.  We're not the ones in
               charge.

     INT. TOWN CENTER - DAY

     The huge, spacious main chamber of the colony.  Looming over
     the scene is the royal palace, which seems to be
     inaccessible, perched on top of a hill-like pedestal.

     Around the base of the pedestal, a crew of workers loiters,
     seemingly aimlessly...can these be the only unemployed ants
     in the place?

                         GENERAL FORMICA
               STAIRS!

     The workers look up and GROAN.  Then they start forming a
     stairway with their own bodies, linking arms, stepping on
     each other's shoulders.  It's extremely unpleasant work.  One
     ant is a little tardy, and just manages to get in place
     before...

     GENERAL FORMICA, the Pattonesque military leader of the
     colony, STEPS ON HIS HEAD, using it as the first step as he
     ascends to the palace, his aide-de-camp Carpenter in tow.  As
     Formica mounts the "stairs"  we can hear the workers going,
     "OUCH!  OOF!  YIKES!" etc.

                         GENERAL FORMICA
               Cut the chit-chat down there!
                      (turning to Carpenter)
               We've spoiled these workers,
               Carpenter.  They've never had it so
               good, and listen to them -- always
               grumbling and complaining...

     Formica steps on the foot of one of the "stairway" ants, who
     muffles a yelp.

                         CARPENTER
               ...Yes, sir.

                         GENERAL FORMICA
               What have they got to complain about?
               Three square meals a day...

                         CARPENTER
               Actually, sir, we've cut them down to
               three roughly rectangular meals a
               week.

                         FORMICA
               Don't give me statistics, Carpenter.
               I know what I'm talking about.  DOORS!

     Formica and Carpenter have reached the top of the staircase.
     There, the two guard ants on either side of the massive
     throne room doors pull them open -- and one door hinge
     SQUEAKS.

                         FORMICA
                      (to guard ant, while
                       passing)
               Oil that, soldier.

     INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY

     The QUEEN is on her throne, her huge abdomen sprawled behind
     her.

                         QUEEN
               Ah!  General Formica.

     Formica salutes and marches to her, Carpenter behind him.

     Note:  Throughout this scene, the Queen is giving birth
     repeatedly.  Each birth is accompanied by a herald playing a
     short "Happy Birthday" fanfare on his trumpet.  Mid-wife ants
     bring each baby to the Queen for inspection, who COOS a few
     words.  The midwives put the babies on a moving bassinet-
     line, powered by ants on a treadmill.

                         QUEEN
               General, the severe food shortage
               that faces the colony...pains me.
               The thought of any of my children
               going hungry...
                      (she shudders; then,
                       to baby)
               Who's the cutest widdle worker?  You
               are!  Yes, you!  Don't forget to
               brush your teeth!
                      (to mid-wife)
               Ship 'er out.
                      (back to Formica)
               What steps are you taking to remedy
               the situation?

                         FORMICA
               We are launching a major offensive to
               expand our foraging territory...

                         QUEEN
               Yes, what else?

                         FORMICA
               Please don't worry, your majesty.
               Leave the worrying to me.  As you
               know, I'm not an ant of half-
               measures.  I don't pussyfoot around.
               This crisis is my number one
               priority, and I promise you it's
               being dealt with swiftly, and
               decisively.

     The Queen's attention is interrupted by another baby being
     put in her arms.

                         QUEEN
                      (to baby)
               No snacking between meals!  Off you
               go!
                      (to Formica)
               Now -- what were we saying?

                         FORMICA
                      (Oliver North-style)
               I do not recollect, your majesty.
               Will that be all?