AntZ
tea and crumpets... and you take your
place again, and go march around to
your heart's content!
Weaver looks unconvinced.
Z
You have to help me. Please, Weaver.
Think of all the things I've done for
you!
WEAVER
(thinks)
I can't think of any.
Z
(pause)
Well I'm gonna start doing things for
you...
WEAVER
Will you introduce me to some worker
girls?
Z
You bet! They'll really go for a
sensitive guy like you!
WEAVER
Maybe I'll get lucky.
(Weaver thinks about
it)
You know, Z, I wouldn't do this
for anyone but you...
Weaver hands Z has helmet.
WEAVER
Wear this.
Z
(overjoyed)
You're a real buddy.
WEAVER
(sourly)
Yeah, I know.
Z
What do I do?
WEAVER
Don't tell anyone you're a worker.
Follow that column over there. And
come right back after the inspection!
Weaver points to a bunch of soldiers hurrying by in formation.
Z
(overjoyed)
Thanks! I owe you!
Z skips off and joins the column, marching in time with the
soldiers but too excited to keep from jazzing it up a little.
INT. TOWN CENTER - NIGHT
The ant army has gathered in a huge HALL in front of a
reviewing stand. We can hear the murmuring of thousands of
soldiers -- but all we can see is a HUGE POSTER of an ant
General pointing right at the camera. The poster reads,
"GENERAL FORMICA WANTS YOU -- to obey".
Z turns to some of the soldiers near him.
Z
Any of you guys know when the
Princess will show up? She's kind of
a personal friend.
The soldiers look at Z like he's nuts.
LOUD VOICE
ATTEN-SHUN!
MARTIAL MUSIC sounds, and we hear thousands of ant feet as
they snap to attention. Z imitates the soldiers awkwardly.
GENERAL FORMICA struts to the middle 6f the screen, slapping
his thigh with a swagger stick (the antenna of some
unfortunate insect)
FORMICA
First of all, let me make one thing
clear. Nobody ever won a battle by
thinking for himself. All this
"thinking" stuff is a load of crap.
If the almighty had wanted you boys
to think, he wouldn't have given you
huge mandibles and a brain so small
you'd misplace it if it wasn't
trapped inside your head.
In the audience, Z starts laughing -- he thinks Formica's
just made a joke.
Z
(slapping his thigh)
"Trapped inside your head" -- that's
a good one --
Z notices nobody else is laughing. He stops.
Z
Geez -- tough room.
From the stage, Formica is squinting at the audience, trying
to make out who was laughing, but there are just too many
ants. He continues.
FORMICA
(striding back and
forth)
We ants survive as a species because
we do what we're told. We survive
because we work together, as one, we
get the job done, we do whatever it
takes to persevere!
(dramatic pause)
Hell, we're not an army of
ants...we're one giant ant, with
giant fists, and giant jaws!
The soldiers CHEER! Z CHEERS along with the rest of them.
Z
(to the soldier ant
next to him)
Lays it on a little thick, doesn't
he? If you ask me, he's one giant
bore.
FORMICA
Now I've heard a lot of scuttlebutt
about a food shortage. Well you boys
are gonna be taken care of. But in
the meantime we're gonna eat the
enemy for breakfast, we are gonna
eat the enemy for lunch, and we are
gonna eat the enemy for dinner!
Z
Geez, and I forgot my toothbrush.
FORMICA
(reflective moment)
Dammit, I'm proud to be an ant.
(he looks out at his
army)
And I know each and every one of you
boys will do your duty. Dismissed.
Z applauds and whistles as the other ants look at him in
confusion.
Z
(clapping)
Bravo! Bring on the Princess!
COLONEL
Stow the gab there, soldier! Let's
move 'em out!
The soldiers turn to the right and start to march out past
the reviewing stand.
A COLONEL marches at the head of Z's column as Z looks around
for the Princess.
COLONEL
Eyes...left!
Finally, as Z's part of the army marches past the end of the
reviewing stand, he sees her, looking bored, standing next
to the Queen, who is giving the royal wave.
Z
(waving)
Princess! Princess Bala! Hey! It's
me! Z! I've got your scarf!
ON THE REVIEWING STAND, Bala sees Z -- that is to say, she
sees one of the thousands upon thousands of ants marching
by...
BALA
(peering out)
Who is that idiot?
QUEEN
Darling, you must encourage the
troops -- wave!
Bala waves unenthusiastically, little more than flopping her
hand back and forth on her wrist.
Down below, Z takes this as a sign that Bala has seen him.
Z
(excited)
Excuse me, guys -- That's my date.
Well, it's been fun. Have a great
war!
Z tries to squeeze his way back towards the royals, but he's
surrounded by a solid wall of soldiers -- and they're
carrying him along with them.
Z
Hey! Wait!
Z loses sight of the Princess as he's carried away.
BARBATUS, a hard-as-nails "grunt" soldier ant, taps Z on the
shoulder.
BARBATUS
You new, kid?
Z
I just joined up. But I'm quitting!
I got a trial membership!
BARBATUS
Trial membership? Kid, when you join
this ant's army, you're in for the
full hitch.
At that moment, Z is swept out of the cramped corridor
they've been marching along, as the army emerges into the
OPEN AIR outside of the colony.
EXT. ANT MOUND - NIGHT
It's a starry, moonlit night. The shadows crowd around the
panicked Z, who looks up at the sky as we see the army on the
march...
Z
Wait a minute, there's been a
mistake! I've got to get back to the
colony!
Z starts to fall out of line, but Barbatus, looking
concerned, stops him.
BARBATUS
Are you crazy, kid? They shoot
deserters!
Z swallows hard.
BARBATUS
You just stick by old Barbatus.
He'll watch out for you.
(off Z's look)
Whatsamatter, kid? Leave a girl
behind?
Z
Yeah. Well -- no. She's kind of
playing hard to get. As a matter of
fact, she's playing completely
unattainable.
(nervously)
So, what's on the schedule? A brisk
walk? a foraging expedition?
BARBATUS
No -- we're going to attack the
termites!
Z
(alarmed)
Attack? But -- I hate attacking!
It's so hostile!
Around Z and Barbatus, the ants start up a marching song,
which we intersperse with dialogue between Barbatus and Z to
form a montage/time-cut as the ant army marches on to the
termite capital.
ANT SOLDIERS
(to the tune of "When
Johnny Comes
Marching Home")
We ants go marching one by
one, hurrah, hurrah! We slaughter
termites just for fun, Hurrah!
Hurrah!
Z
So -- these termites, they're little,
shy, retiring insects?
BARBATUS
(grim smile)
No such luck. Those dirty terms are
five times bigger than us, and they
shoot acid from their foreheads!
SOLDIER ANTS
We ants go marching two by two,
hurrah! Hurrah! We'll all be dead
before we're through, hurrah! Hurrah!
Montage shots of an ant column marching diagonally across the
screen, fading into another column marching diagonally
downwards across the screen...
Z
Well, what exactly does our platoon
do? Serve beverages? Process
paperwork?
BARBATUS
Our platoon has the best assignment
of all. We're the first into battle!
ANT SOLDIERS
We ants are marching three by three,
hurrah! Hurrah! Dead ants is what
we soon will be, hurrah! Hurrah!
...montage shot of Z's column crossing a bridge composed of
living ants -- all of whom look extremely uncomfortable as
they're getting stepped on...
Z
So we're going back for more armor,
right? I mean, these guys are from
outer space, how are we supposed to
beat them?!
BARBATUS
Superior numbers, kid!
EXT. TERRAIN NEAR TERMITE STUMP - NIGHT
Z looks up to see...looming high above them...the TERMITE
CITY, which is built in the stump of a dead tree. From here
it looks like a demonic Mount Fuji. The COLONEL ANT shouts
an order.
COLONEL
ATTAAAAAAAAACK!!!
The front line of ants starts rushing towards the termite
colony...Z is swept along...
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