AS GOOD AS IT GETS

AS GOOD AS IT GETS
　
by

Mard Andrus

And

James J. Brooks

Story by

Mark Andrus

 FADE IN:

 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK), HALLWAY - NIGHT

 ANGLE ON apartment doorway. As it opens and an
 enormously SWEET-FACED, ELDER WOMAN steps out, bungled up
 against the cold -- turning back to call inside to the
 unseen love of her long life.
        
            SWEET-FACED WOMAN
      I'm just going to get some
      flowers, dear. I'll be back in
      twenty minutes. It's tulip season
      today. I'm so happy.

 And now she turns and faces the hallway... her sweetness
 dissolves in a flash... replaced by repulsion and that
 quickly she has reversed herself and re-entered her
 apartment... closing the door as we consider her vacated.

 POV - MELVIN UDALL

 in the hallway... Well past 50... unliked, unloved,
 unsettling. A huge pain in the ass to everyone he's ever
 met. Right now all his considerable talent and strength
 is totally focused on seducing a tiny dog into the
 elevator door he holds open.

            MELVIN
      Come here, sweetheart... come on.

 ON DOG

 Sniffing at a particular spot on the hall carpeting.
 Melvin lets the elevator door close and advances on the
 mutt who has ignores him.

            MELVIN
      Wanna go for a ride? Okay,
      sweetie?

 The dog lifts his leg at the precise moment Melvin lunges
 and picks him up with a decisive heft -- so that dog
 urine squirts the hall wall for a second or two. The DOG
 sensing a kindred spirit starts to GROWL and BARK.

            MELVIN
       (a malevolent tone)
      You've pissed your last floor, you
      dog-eared monkey.

 The dog takes a snap at Melvin, but the man is much
 meaner and quicker than the dog -- he holds his snout
 shut with his hand and reaches for the door of the
 garbage chute.
    
            MELVIN
      I'll bet you wish you were some
      sort of real dog now, huh? Don't
      worry...  this is New York. If you
      can make it here, you can make it
      anywhere, you know? You ugly,
      smelly fuck.

 And with that, he stuffs him in the garbage chute and
 lets go. We hear a FADING SERIES of PLEADING "ANOOOOS"
 from the DOG fade to nothingness... as another apartment
 door opens emitting the loud sounds of a PARTY and SIMON
 NYE, early 30s. Simon has been born and raised with
 Gothic horror and it's strange that what that stew of
 trauma has produced is a gifted, decent man.

 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK), HALLWAY - NIGHT

 Frantic... he bolts into the hall... Melvin is just about
 to enter his apartment.

            SIMON
      Verdell!?!! Here, good doggie...

 He notices Melvin at the far end of the hall.
   
            SIMON
      Mr. Udall... excuse me. Hey
      there!
       (as Melvin turns)
      Have you seen Verdell?

            MELVIN
      What's he look like?

 Melvin starts to walk back to his apartment door which is
 directly opposite Simon's.

            SIMON
      My dog... you know... I mean my
      little dog with the adorable
      face... Don't you know what my dog
      looks like?

            MELVIN
      I got it. You're talking about
      your dog. I thought that was the
      name of the colored man I've been
      seeing in the hall.

 Simon looks O.S. -- and sees his black friend.

            SIMON
      Which color was that?

            MELVIN
      Like thick molasses, with one of
      those wide noses perfect for
      smelling trouble and prison
      food...

 Simon has had it.

            SIMON
      Frank Sachs -- Melvin Udall.

            MELVIN
       (not missing a beat)
      How're you doing?

      SIMON
      Franks shows my work, Mr. Udall. I
      think you know that.

      FRANK
       (overlapping)
      Simon, you've got to get dressed.

      MELVIN
       (to Simon)
      What I know is that as long as you
      keep your work zipped up around
      me, I don't give a fuck what or
      where you shove your show. Are we
      being neighbors for now?

      SIMON
       (to Frank)
      Do you still think I was
      exaggerating?

 FRANK can only smile.

      FRANK
      Definitely a package you don't
      want to open or touch.

      MELVIN
      Hope you find him. I love that
      dog.

 Simon, terminally non-confrontational, still finds
 himself compelled to turn back toward Melvin.

      SIMON
       (directly)
      You don't love anything, Mr.
      Udall.

 Simon closes his door leaving Melvin alone in the
 hallway.

      MELVIN
      I love throwing your dog down the
      garbage chute.

 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT, BATHROOM - NIGHT

 Melvin locks and unlocks and locks his door, counting to
 five with each lock. He turns the lights quickly on and
 off and on five times and makes a straight-line towards
 his bathroom where he turns on the hot water and opens
 the medicine chest.

 INT. MEDICINE CHEST

 Scores of neatly stacked Neutrogena soaps. He unwraps
 one -- begins to wash -- discards it -- goes through the
 process two more times.

 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT, ENTRANCE HALL - NIGHT

 A group of PARTY GOERS enters -- followed by a HANDYMAN
 holding Verdell who looks and finds:

 SIMON

 who looks up -- lights up -- and tears up as he moves
 quickly toward the group and his dog.

      SIMON
      Thank the good Lord... wow... my
      honey... where have you been?

      PARTY GOER
       (thinking the greeting's
        for him)
      He always liked me.

 As Simon goes past him to take the dog from the
 Handyman... JACKIE, Frank's junior partner, barking a
 laugh at the Party Goer -- VERDELL BARKING some love. As
 the others greet Simon, Jackie directs the group inside.
 Jackie lingers, looking on affectionately as Simon picks
 some awful, sticky gunk from the dog's body... he puts
 Verdell down to reach for his wallet -- the tiny DOG YAPS
 in protest.

      SIMON
      Just for a second, okay?

 The DOG YAPS "no." Simon, delighted, picks him up again.

      SIMON
       (kissing him on the mouth)
      Look at him...  where was little
      baby?

      HANDYMAN
       (smiling)
      In the basement garbage bin eating
      diaper shit.

 Simon reacts -- then notices the Handyman, tongue in
 cheek, trying to suppress his amusement.

      SIMON
      Go ahead, John, you earned your fun.
       (looking at Verdell)
      How did he get down in the
      basement? I mean even if he got
      on the elevator how... ?

      HANDYMAN
      Maybe some nice neighbor shoved
      him down the garbage chute.

      SIMON
      My God! No!

 He stares out... Frank frustrated following.

 INT. MELVIN'S APARTMENT - OFFICE - NIGHT

 Quiet -- safe -- just Melvin's voice reading aloud as he
 writes.

      MELVIN
      'Somewhat in the dark, she had
      confessed and he had forgiven.
      This is what you live for, he
      said. Two heads on a pillow where
      there is only the safety of being
      with each other. How, she
      wondered, could she find such hope
      in the most shameful part of her.'

 He barely reacts as we hear a LOUD KNOCKING at he reads.

      SIMON (O.S.)
      Mr. Udall.

 But Melvin's into it. His fingers flying as he reads.

      MELVIN
      'At last she was able to define
      love. Love was... '

 More KNOCKING.

      SIMON (O.S.)
      Mr. Udall, I'd like to talk to you
      please.

      MELVIN
      'Love was... '

 He almost has the rest of the sentence -- the meaning of
 love -- but the knocking throws him.

      MELVIN
      ... Son-of-a-bitch-pansy-assed-
      stool-pusher.

 He burst from his chair.

 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - NIGHT

 As Simon hears MELVIN through the door and takes a step
 back. Melvin throws open the door. He looks demonic.

      MELVIN
       (loud and angry)
      Yeeeess!!!

      SIMON
      Maybe this can wait.

 Frank signals encouragement as Melvin opens the door.

      SIMON
      I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.

      MELVIN
      Well, that's a load off.

 Melvin walks back into the apartment and is about to
 close the door when Simon has another burst of bravery.

      SIMON
      Did you... do something to him?

      MELVIN
      Do you realize that I work at
      him?

      SIMON
       (eyes downcast)
      No, I didn't.

      MELVIN
      Do you like to be interrupt when
      you are danging around in your
      little garden?

      SIMON
      No...  actually, I even shut the
      phone off and put a little piece
      of cardboard in the ringer so no
      one can just buzz me from d...

      MELVIN
      Well, I work all the time. So
      never, never again interrupt me.
      Okay? I mean, never. Not 30
      years from now... not if there's
      fire. Not even if you hear a thud
      from inside my home and a week
      later there's a smell from in
      there that can only come from a
      decaying body and you have to hold
      a hanky against your face because
      the stench is so thick you think
      you're going to faint even then
      don't come knocking or, if it's
      election night and you're excited
      and want to celebrate because some
      fudge-packer you dated has been
      elected the first queer President
      of the United States... and he's
      going to put you up in Camp David
      and you just want to share the
      moment with someone...  don't knock
      ...  not on this door. Not for
      anything. Got me. Sweetheart?

      SIMON
      Yes. It's not a subtle point
      you're making.

      MELVIN
      Okay, then.

 Melvin enters his apartment and slams the door shut.

      SIMON
      So the theory of confrontations is
      that now he'll think twice before
      messing with me?

 Frank smiles affectionately. Simon turns serious.

      SIMON
      He's genuinely upsetting, isn't
      he?

      FRANK
      Won't worry about it. You go
      ahead.

 Frank waits till Simon EXITS SCENE and then knocks loudly
 on Melvin's door. There is a sharp change in his demeanor.

      MELVIN (O.S.)
      Oh, I'm pissed!! Now I am really
      pissed!!!