AS GOOD AS IT GETS

      CAROL
       (into phone)
      Hello... Hi, Spencer... Why are
      you out of breath? You did?!?
      That is great... So great... So --
      no, wait a second, Spence...

 INT. HOTEL SUITE - MELVIN AND SIMON'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY

 Melvin watches Simon struggle to unpack his especially
 neat suitcase. Melvin is uncomfortable.

      MELVIN
      Can I ask you a personal question?

 Simon laughs loudly in apprehension squared.

      MELVIN
      Do you ever get an erection for a
      woman?

      SIMON
      Melvin...

      MELVIN
      Wouldn't your lie be a lot easier
      if you were not...

      SIMON
      You consider your life easy.

      MELVIN
      I give you that one...
       (eyes suitcase)
      Nice packing.

 INT. HOTEL SUITE - LIVING ROOM - DAY

 Carol enters the common living room... Melvin is sitting
 there. Carol is dealing with a number of unsettling new
 factors in her life.

      CAROL
      My son was outside playing soccer.
      I never saw him playing ball. Come
      on, you guys -- take me out for a
      good time... Take me out dancing.

      MELVIN
      Dancing?

      SIMON
      I can't, I'm exhausted.

 Carol walks to Simon and puts an arm on him. Melvin is
 visibly disturbed by her gesture.

      CAROL
       (to Simon)
      I don't blame you... This is a
      monumental first day out... You
      sad or anything?

      SIMON
      No... Nervous. It would be very
      rough, Carol, if you weren't
      along.

      CAROL
      What a nice compliment.

 She gives Simon a kiss... Melvin deals with jealousy.
 She turns to him.

      CAROL
      I'm happy. And you're my date.
      Let's get dressed.

 She exits the room. Melvin unnerved.

      MELVIN
      I'm going to jump in the shower.
      I'll be right with you.

 INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT

 As Carol, dressed in a thrift shop find, enters the main
 room of the suite and hears the SHOWER running -- she
 sits down to wait -- through...

 SERIES OF DISSOLVES

 Showing the enormous length of time which transpires until
 finally a seriously clean Melvin emerges from the bathroom
 through a cloud of steam. They exit.

 EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 As they drive up.

      VALET
      Good evening, sir.

      MELVIN
      They sell hard shell crabs here?

      VALET
      Yes.

 INT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 As they enters...

      HEAD WAITER
      Good evening.

      MELVIN
      Hi. You have hard shells, right?

      CAROL
      Stop asking everyone.

      MELVIN
      Just him and that's it. Okay, you
      can answer -- we've worked it out.

      HEAD WAITER
      Yes, we do... And I can give you a
      tie and jacket.

      MELVIN
      What?

      HEAD WAITER
      They require a tie and jacket but
      we have some available.

 He reaches into the coat and check room and withdraws them.

      MELVIN
      No... I'm not wearing that -- and
      just in case you were going to ask
      I'm not going to let you inject me
      with plaque either.

      CAROL
      You promised a nice place -- can't
      you just...
       (to Head Waiter)
      You have these dry cleaned all the
      time, don't you?

      HEAD WAITER
      Actually, I don't think so.

      MELVIN
       (to Carol)
      Wait here.

 EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 As Melvin takes his car back from the valet.

 EXT. STREET - SHOPPING MALL - NIGHT

 As the car goes right across the street to a shopping
 mall.

 INT. SHOPPING MALL - MEN'S STORE - NIGHT

 Melvin walks to the doorway and stops suddenly.

      SALESMAN
      Good evening.

      MELVIN
      I need a coat and tie.

 OTHER ANGLE

 CAMERA REVEALS that the floor is intricately patterned so
 that passage for Melvin is impossible.

      SALESMAN
      Come on in.

      MELVIN
      No.

      SALESMAN
      No?

      MELVIN
       (pointing)
      That jacket and give me a tie.

 EXT. FIRST RATE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

 As he pulls up - a new VALET taking his car.

      VALET #2
      Good evening.

      MELVIN
      You have hard shells?

      VALET #2
      I'm not sure.

      MELVIN
      Everyone else says you do.

      VALET #2
      Then I guess we do.