AS GOOD AS IT GETS

      ZOE
      How do you write women so well?

      MELVIN
       (as he turns
        toward her)
  I think of a man and take away
  reason and accountability.

 The fan is jolted as the elevator doors open and close.

 EXT. STREET NEAR CAROL'S BUILDING - DAY

 A depleted, exhausted Carol approaches her home. She is
 suddenly wary -- SOUND DIALED DOWN -- as we MOVE CLOSER.

 CAROL'S POV

 A car at the curb with "MD" license plate.

 BACK TO SCENE

 As Carol breaks into a run.

 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT BUILDING, STAIRWAY/HALLWAY - DAY

 As she bounds the stairs, comes to her apartment door and
 jiggles with the keys, a strange prescient whimpering
 sound coming from her. As she enters the apartment.

      CAROL
      Hello? Hello?

      VOICE (O.S.)
      Mrs. Connelly, I'm in here.

 The worst confirmed, she moves down the narrow hallway,
 her innards squirting the same chemicals that drives elk
 on opening day of the hunting season.

 INT. SPENCER'S ROOM - DAY

      CAROL
      What? Please? Now? Tell me?!

      DR. BETTES
      Mrs. Connelly. I'm Martin Bettes
      ...  Dr. Bettes.

      CAROL
      Not your name...  what are you
      telling me your name for!! Where
      is he?

      DR. BETTES
      He's in the bathroom...  He's fine.

      CAROL
       (overlapping)
      Tell me how bad it is. I let him
      go out last night when it was so
      cool without an overshirt -- just
      and underone with just the straps
      and I know better...  and I let him
      talk me into it. He was whining
      and...  you don't need this. Give
      me a second to catch hold.

 And so she does. Wow does she... and gives us some
 notion of the size of her fear demon and the strength it
 takes to subdue it as Dr. Bettes keeps reassuring her and
 she keeps nodding... finally a deep breath as Spencer
 enters from the bathroom. All at hyper speed now.
 Salvation as farce.

      SPENCER
       (to his mother)
      Hi...
       (they kiss)
      Did you know there are doctors who
      come to your house?

      CAROL
      No, I didn't.
       (to Bettes)
      So why are you h...

 Beverly, Carol's mother, enters the room. She is ebullient
 which, if life allowed, would be her natural state.

      BEVERLY
      I didn't know you had a secret
      admire.

      CAROL
      Huh?

      BEVERLY
      You met the gift.

      SPENCER
      He's good...  And I'm an expert on
      doctors.

      CAROL
       (to Spencer)
      Stay out of this...  Doctor?

      DR. BETTES
      My wife is Melvin Udall's
      publisher.
       (as Carol reacts)
      She says I have to take great care
      of this guy because you're
      urgently needed back at work.
      What work do you do?

      CAROL
      I'm a waitress.

 ON Dr. Bettes' reaction her mother adds a saving grace.

      BEVERLY
      In Manhattan.

      VOICE (O.S.)
      Dr. Bettes?

      DR. BETTES
      In here.

 A NURSE enters.

      NURSE
      Sorry it took so long. I don't
      know Brooklyn.

      DR. BETTES
      It's okay, Terry.
       (hands her blood
        vail)
      Tell the lab I'd like the report
      back today.

 Carol and her mother exchange a look of incredulity.

      CAROL
      You're going to get the results
      today?!

 MOVING SHOT

 As we approach the doctor and Carol seated across from
 each other at a small table... soft voices...  relaxation.
 Bettes is examining medicine bottles.

      DR. BETTES
      How long has he been having
      problems?

      CAROL
      Since forever.

      DR. BETTES
      Have they done blood tests on him?

      CAROL
      Yes.

      DR. BETTES
      Only in the emergency room or when
      he was well.

      CAROL
      Emergency room only.

      DR. BETTES
      Have they done skin testing for
      allergies?

      CAROL
      No.

      DR. BETTES
      They haven't done the standard
      scratch test. Where they make
      small injections into the skin?

      CAROL
      No. I asked. They said it's not
      covered under my plan. And it's
      not necessary anyway.

      DR. BETTES
      It's amazing these things weren't
      done.

      CAROL
      Fucking H.M.O. bastard piece of
      shit...  I'm sorry...  forgive me.

      DR. BETTES
      No. Actually, I think that's
      their technical name.

      CAROL
      Once the tests come back, is there
      someone I can reach in your office
      for the results?

      DR. BETTES
      Me. My home number is on this
      card.

      CAROL
      His home number.

 Carol look at her mother -- they share a laugh. Beverly
 has a hard time stopping.

      CAROL
       (to doctor)
      Do you want some juice or coffee
      or two female slaves?

      DR. BETTES
      Water...  Nobody told you it might
      be a good idea to remove the
      carpeting and drapes in Spencer's
      room?

      CAROL
      No.

 She starts towards Spencer's room.

      DR. BETTES
      You don't have to do it this
      second...  it's not dangerous or
      anything. It's just something
      that's advisable. Look, there's
      a lot to be checked but...  Hey,
      your son is going to feel a
      good deal better at the very
      least...

 She pats his head...  Then embraces him with fierce
 intimacy.

      CAROL
      Doc!!!
       (then)
      So listen, you gotta let me know
      about the additional costs -- one
      way or the other we'll...

      DR. BETTES
      They're considerable. But Mr.
      Udall wants to be billed.

 She takes this as a blow to the heart, stomach and groin.

 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY

 Simon practices walking using his cane. A tearstained
 Nora hugs him good-bye.

      NORA
      You poor, poor man.

      SIMON
      Let's use just one poor, okay?
      Anyway, dear, thanks for
      everything. Forgive my recent
      crankiness and as soon as things
      are on track again I'll call.

 She kisses him and starts for the door and suddenly a
 sharp intake of breath -- she's forgotten something.

      SIMON
      What's wrong?

      NORA
      Who's going to walk Verdell?

 Simon hadn't thought of this either.

      SIMON
      No, no.

 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING (NEW YORK) - HALLWAY - DAY

 Nora holding her things, knocks on Melvin's door. Melvin
 opens the door. Nora is still sniffling. He misinterprets.

      MELVIN
      Is he dead yet?

      NORA
      No! Would there be any way for
      you to be willing to walk his dog
      for him?

      MELVIN
      Absolutely.

      NORA
      Not just today -- Uh, could you
      do it -- until, until he gets
      back on his feet?

      MELVIN
      Sure thing.

      NORA
      You're a wonderful man. Two
      o'clock is a good time. Here's
      the key in case he's asleep. Open
      the curtains for him, so he sees
      God's beautiful work and knows
      that even things like this happen
      for the best.

      MELVIN
      Where'd they teach you to talk
      like this -- some Panama City
      "Sailor want to hump-hump bar"?
      Or was today getaway day and your
      last shot at his whiskey. Sell
      crazy some place else -- we're all
      stocked up here.

 He closes the door in her face. She stands there...
 thrown by the abruptness -- then lifts the two paper
 shopping bags holding her things -- walks back toward the
 elevator -- pausing briefly outside Simon's door -- then
 continues on her way.

 INT. CAROL'S APARTMENT

 The doctor gone, mother and daughter arguing.

      CAROL
      There is a seriously goofy man
      behind this. You are not allowed
      to block out that fact.

      BEVERLY
      Do you really want to go back to
      the runt doctors in Emergency who
      keep telling us they can't help?

      CAROL
      It lets a crazy man into our
      lives.

      BEVERLY
      Come on. Why fight when we know
      how it will come out. This isn't
      like stocking or a string of
      pearls. You don't send this one
      back.

 EXT. NEW YORK APARTMENT - ESTABLISHING - DAY

 INT. SIMON'S APARTMENT - DAY

 Shades drawn. Simon is a wheelchair...  the PHONE RINGS.
 He goes to answer... the phone across the bed so that
 reaching for the phone is a brief but difficult
 struggle... he grunts with pain, hope and anxiety as he
 answers.

      SIMON
      Hello?...  yes...  sure...  finally,
      huh? Why, "finally"? Because I
      called you so many times. Maybe
      20.
       (relief)
      Oh, boy...  I was hoping it was
      something like that. You didn't
      get one of them, huh? 'Cause I
      mean it wasn't only your office --
      it was your home, hotel and the
      cigar club you like in San
      Francisco. No -- Sarcastic...  Of
      course. I believe you. No, don't
      fire anyone...  Please. Maybe I'm
      wrong about the 20 times. Take a
      breath...
           (more)
      So, you miss me a little? Hey,
      strike the question -- How's the
      case going? Really. Fantastic.
      I didn't hear. I haven't been
      watching. Great. Just great.
      I'm so happy. Whoopie! Me?
      Well, I'm mending. No, I look
      fine. Well, some of the damage
      might still be noticeable if you
      look closely...

 He runs a hand across his scarred and still bloated and
 beaten face...

      SIMON
      Carl, I need some help and you're
      the logical one to turn to.
       (aghast)
      No! Not 'cause I blame you for
      what happened. I hardly get how
      you can ever think that. No, I'm
      not being sarcastic.
       (trying to figure it
        out)
      I guess because you hired the guy
      who did this you think...  No, I am
      a sarcastic person. Well, if
      you must know, the reason I said
      you were the logical person is
      because you always told me how you
      thought I was this great person
      who made you feel good about
      humanity and everything. You do
      remembering saying that? Well, whew.
      Okay, so Carl. I hate asking but
      this money thing is ridiculously
      serious...

 He picks up an index card from his night stand and takes
 the leap -- reading the text he prepared in advance.

      SIMON
      "Will you please loan me money? I
      will pay you back. I will give
      you whatever percentage of my
      income I don't absolutely need
      until I do. It will take a while.
      But I don't know what I'll do if
      you say"... that.
       (as he listens)
      I understand...  yes...  No, I do.
       (a bit of boldness)
      But you know, you know -- you
      didn't even ask how much, Carl?
      Well, Frank has no right to
      discuss how much I'm in hock...
      no, you're right -- not the point.
      So...  what have you been up to???
      Uh-huh... Oh, the group show... 
      how was it? Well, I'm not
      surprised that there's that much
      talent around...  great...  Look --
      gotta go...  no, you shouldn't feel
      that way at all...  take care, you,
      too...  you, too...  Good-bye.
       (as he hangs up)
      Pal o' mine.

 It's very quiet.

 LONG SHOT - SIMON

 A lonely figure -- who now holds his good hand up to his
 face and appears on the verge of enormous emotional
 release -- CAMERA MOVES TOWARD him as if to rendezvous
 with the moment of catharsis...

 ...  but Simon is denied even this small luxury as the
 CAMERA ABRUPTLY ADJUSTS just as he begins sobbing to
 focus on the door opening and Melvin and Verdell entering
 the room.

      MELVIN
      Maybe I'll bring him some food by.

      SIMON
      Thank you for walking him.

 Simon wheels away from Melvin.

      SIMON
      If you'll excuse me I'm not
      feeling so well.

      MELVIN
      It smells like shit in here?

      SIMON
      Go away.

      MELVIN
      That cleaning woman doesn't...

      SIMON
      Please, just leave.

      MELVIN
      Where are all your queer party
      friends?

      SIMON
       (his first shout)
      Get out.

 Melvin pauses -- Simon weeping... Verdell looks at Simon
 with concern. Melvin is thrown. Moved?

      SIMON
      Nothing worse than having to feel
      this way in front of you?

      MELVIN
      Nellie, you're a disgrace to
      depression.

      SIMON
      Rot in hell, Melvin.

      MELVIN
      No need to stop being a lady...
      quit worrying -- you'll be back on
      your knees in no time.