Bull Durham

NUKE

God I'm tired. What a trip I was

lousy. I was worse than lousy.

Everytime I pitched--it was like

throwing gasoline on a fire.

Kaboom. I--

ANNIE

What is this "I, I, I" stuff?

You only talk about yourself?

Aren't you glad to see me? Don't

I look nice?

NUKE

Sorry. You look great. I'm

totally exhausted.

ANNIE

Good. Total exhaustion can be

spiritually fabulous.

(beat)

Let's play catch.

NUKE

Catch?

CUT TO:

EXT. ANNIE'S BACKYARD -- MORNING

Flowers and birdfeeders everywhere. And, 60 feet away in

complete, oversized catcher's gear--

JACKSON IN A CATCHER'S CROUCH -- Nuke stares, in his street

clothes, but now with a glove and ball.

JACKSON

Hum, babe, hum, babe, fire it in

here, hum babe--

ANNIE

That's not necessary, Jackson---

(beat)

Okay, Nuke, now lean in for the

sign.

He does. Jackson flashes some ridiculous signs.

NUKE

This in ridiculous. I'm a pro.

ANNIE

Just do what I say. Now, which

nostril are you breathing through?

NUKE

Which nostril am I breathing

through?

Annie puts her hand under his nose.

ANNIE

The right nostril. Good.

NUKE

My right nostril?

ANNIE

There are two important psychic

conduits called the "pingala" and

the "ida". The pingala starts

with the left testicle (or left

ovary of the female) and ends at

the right nostril.

She touches his left nut through his pants in a matter of

fact manner. He stares back.

ANNIE

The ida originates at the right

testicle(or ovary) and terminates

at the left nostril.

NUKE

I'm really beat. I need some

serious "z's"--

ANNIE

The pingala is the nostril used

for throwing a baseball.

(beat)

And if you discover before a game

you're in the wrong nostril, it's

easy to switch.

NUKE

Switch nostrils?

ANNIE

Right. Okay, fire a couple in

there.

NUKE TOSSES AN EASY PITCH to Jackson. Annie's incensed.

ANNIE

You're patronizing me! I will

not be patronized--

NUKE

If I throw too hard I'll hurt the

kid.

ANNIE

He's handled a lotta pitchers

whose records were better than

one and six.

Nuke gets a little steamed. He feels his nostril, winds,

and fires a medium speed fastball to Jackson.

NUKE

(a bit angry)

How was that?

ANNIE

A little better.

NUKE

Gimme the God damn ball!

NUKE WINDS UP and fires a pitch to Jackson. Alas--

THE BALL SAILS THROUGH A WINDOW -- Crashing glass.

NUKE

(cynically)

How ya like that?

ANNIE

Much better. Your delivery was

fully integrated because you

weren't thinking about it 'cause

you were pissed off at me.

(beat)

This is progress.

Nuke smiles and gives in. And reaches for her.

NUKE

I give up. Let's go inside, make

love, and fall asleep till it's

time to go to the ballpark.

She takes his hand and leads him up to the back porch.

ANNIE

Or...

(taking his hand)

...We could just take that sexual

energy and save it for a few hours

and re-channel it into your

pitching tonight.

(shouting)

C'mon, Jackson, I've got some

lemonade!

Jackson runs over in full gear to join them.

SITTING ON THE BACK PORCH -- A pitcher of lemonade.

NUKE

I can't keep up with you. First

you say sex is gonna make me a

better pitcher--now no sex is

gonna do it?!

ANNIE

It's all the same thing.

SUDDENLY NUKE'S FACE IS FILLED WITH ALARM -- He points.

NUKE

What's that?!

--P.O.V. A CARDBOARD BOX ON A TABLE NEARBY -- Scrawled in

larged letters on the side are the words "MAX PATKIN".

ANNIE

(matter of factly)

That's Max. His ashes anyway.

He left no kin...

Nuke stares, unsettled.

NUKE

God...I think I'm gonna be sick--

ANNIE

Oh don't be silly. Death is

nothing to be scared of. It's

just another way of living. It's

just a fresh start--kinda like

spring training.

Nuke thinks about this carefully. Looks at the ashes, at

Annie, and at Jackson, in full gear, mask on his head.

NUKE

Death is like spring training?

ANNIE

Yes. And so is birth. Now look

me in the eyes, Nuke--

(sweetly accusing him)

You haven't been wearing my

panties, have you?

CLOSE ON NUKE -- Utterly bewildered.

CUT TO:

INT. BULLS LOCKER ROOM -- NIGHT

NUKE PULLS HIS JOCKSTRAP ON over the red panties.

Crash notices the panties, and snaps the waistband.

CRASH

Hot. Very hot...

Nuke looks around nervously, continues dressing quickly.

NUKE

Annie says her panties will keep

one side of my brain occupied

while I'm on the mound, thus

keeping my brain slightly off

center, which is where it should

be for artists and pitchers. She

also said I should throw whatever

pitches you call for.

CRASH

Annie's a smart lady.

Suddenly Deke spots Nuke's panties.

DEKE

Hey, fruit alert! Check out the

Rook.

SEVERAL PLAYERS GATHER AROUND -- Wolf whistles aimed at Nuke

as the players are dressing into their uniforms.

NUKE

Annie says there's no such thing

as straight and gay. We're all

sexual creatures to start with,

and we get formed into certain

roles.

TOMMY

You believe that?

NUKE

When I'm one and six I'll believe

anything.

(as they dress)

Annie also says that God is a

woman. You believe that, Crash,

you think God's a lady?

CRASH

God's definitely a woman--but

she's no lady.

TOMMY

This is all Commie bullshit.

(beat)

God has a dick, man.

TONY

God damn it, Jimmy, you're an

expert--does God have a dick or a

pussy?

JIMMY TURNS FROM HIS CUBICLE to answer the theological

question. All heads wait for the answer.

JIMMY

The Lord God is tri-une--Father,

Son, and Holy Ghost.

TOMMY

Father and Son. Awright!

The guys slap fives, convinced God is a man.

MICKEY,

(baiting them)

Yeah, but He is a brother.

TOMMY

Bullshit! God ain't no brother!

Deke turns to Crash, full of despair.

DEKE

If there is a God, why am I hitting

.200?

SUDDENLY SKIP AND LARRY APPEAR to restore order.

SKIP

Shut up! This is a damn noisy

clubhouse for a team that's lost

15 straight.

Silence.

Skip takes off his cap--instantly sincere.

SKIP

Patkin was a tribute to baseball...

LARRY

...and one helluva guy.

CUT TO:

EXT. DURHAM BALLPARK -- DUSK

A BLACK GOSPEL GROUP at a mike at home plate, singing:

GOSPEL SINGER (SINGING)

I come to the garden alone, When

the dew is still on the roses,

And the voice I hear, whispering

in my ear,. The Son of God

discloses--

ANNIE SPRINKLES MAX'S ASHES on the pitcher's mound, as:

JACKSON SITS IN THE DUGOUT FILLING ROSIN BAGS with the extra

ashes from a box.

EXTREME CLOSE UP -- A ROSIN BAG MARKED "MAX"

DISSOLVE TO:

EXTREME CLOSE UP -- "MAX" ROSIN BAG on the mound.

EXT. DURHAM BALLPARK -- GAME IN PROGRESS -- NIGHT

NUKE ON THE MOUND -- PICKS UP the rosin bag, and paces. A

small crowd. A batter steps in to hit. Nuke looks. in for

the sign.