The Cable Guy

The Cable Guy  

by Judd Apatow

Based on a Screenplay by

Lou Holtz Jr.

Shooting Script October 31, 1995 (White)

Revised Pages November 13, 1995 (Blue)

Revised Pages November 14, 1995 (Pink)

1 FULL FRAME - WHITE NOISE

Credits begin. The entire frame is filled with white noise within which one can make out thefaint

image of a television program. Every few moments the channel changes, revealing a new ghostly

image.

The camera pulls back very slowly. We reveal that this image is coming from a twenty seven inch

television.

The camera pulls back some more and we see a man's hand enter frame holding a remote

control. The hand changes channels frantically.

The camera pulls back into its final position and we see STEVEN BARTOWSKY, thirty

years old, sitting on his couch. He is trying to find a channel with viewable reception.

Unfortunately for him ?his cable is not hooked up.

STEVE

(looks at watch)

Jesus, where's the cable guy already?

END OF CREDIT SEQUENCE

1A INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

It is a stylish old apartment. There are half unpacked boxes strewn about the floor. Steven has just

moved in. The phone rings.

STEVEN

(into the phone)

Hello.

2 NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS

We see Steven's best friend RICK standing in the middle of a busy newsroom. He is a rough

looking, cynical local news cameraman. In the background, hanging from the ceiling is a television

set.

ON THE TV - An anchorman sits at his desk fixing his hair as he waits to go on the air. A graphic

on the screen says "Sam Sweet Trial Update."

RICK

How's the move going?

3 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Steven unpacks as they speak. The phone call intercuts between the two locations.

STEVEN

Horrible. The cable guy is missing in

action. Apparently he's going to be here

sometime between eight AM and my death.

RICK

You haven't called Robin have you?

Please tell me you didn't call her.

STEVEN

(sarcastically)

No, I'm giving her space.

(beat)

I can't believe she's doing this.

RICK

You never should have asked her to marry

you. You're the mad smotherer.

STEVEN

All she had to do was say no. She didn't

have to kick me out. I feel like Felix

Unger.

RICK

You forced her to evaluate the

relationship. If you didn't propose she

would never have realized how unhappy she

was.

STEVE

I don't want to talk about it.

So what time are you going to come by?

RICK

I can't. I'm working double shifts the

rest of the week.

STEVEN

It's my first night here. Don't do this

to me.

RICK

The other camera guy pulled out his back.

Besides, I spent the last two weeks with

you on my couch. Isn't that enough?

STEVEN

Fine, fine.

RICK

One piece of advice. Slip the cable guy

fifty bucks, he'll give you all the movie

channels for free. Even the dirty ones.

STEVEN

I couldn't. I'm not good at that stuff.

What if he says no? I'll feel like an

idiot.

RICK

None of them say no, believe me. I'll

talk to you later.

Steven hangs up, and waits.

DISSOLVE TO:

4 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

Steven continues unpacking. He is very neat. He opens a box and finds a pictures of him with his

ex-girlfriend. He looks at one sadly, considering whether or not to put it on display. He puts it

back in the box.

4A EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Establishing shot of a renovated apartment building built in the nineteen twenties. A moving truck

pulls into a gated side garage.

5 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Movers deliver a small breakfast table and chairs. Steven directs them as to where to put them.

CLOSE UP OF CLOCK - 3:52 P.M.

6 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Steven puts a few feet of tin foil on his antenna to help the reception. He changes channels. Still

nothing. He pulls it off frustrated.

7 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

Many of the boxes are gone. Steven lies on the couch, staring at the ceiling, fidgeting. He is unable

to fill his day without cable.

STEVEN

Where the hell is he?

8 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Steven paces back and forth across the room. He stares at his watch frequently.

CLOSE UP OF CLOCK - 5:12 P.M.

9 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER

Steven slowly eats a sandwich in his empty kitchen. He looks at the clock. It says five-thirty. He

picks up the phone and dials. A machine picks up.

ROBIN (VO)

Hi, this is Robin. Leave a message. If

you are trying to reach Steven he can now

be reached at 555-3837.

Steven hangs up.

10 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SUNSET

Steven does sit ups. He looks at the clock.

CLOSE UP OF THE CLOCK - 6:48 P.M.

STEVEN

(to himself)

Forget it. Idiots.

He gets up, and walks into the bathroom.

11 INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Steven gets undressed. He turns on the shower, adjusts the heat, then gets in. He tries to lose his

tension by letting the hot water engulf him. He takes some shampoo, and lathers up his hair.

THE DOORBELL RINGS

STEVEN

(annoyed)

Oh great.

THE DOORBELL RINGS SEVERAL TIMES

Steven jumps out of the shower, soaking wet, throws on a bathrobe and runs to the door.

STEVEN

Don't leave! I'm here! I'm here!

12 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Steven runs to the door.

CABLE GUY (OS)

Hello! Cable Guy!

Steven reaches the door, and looks through the peep-hole.

P.O.V. THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE

The CABLE GUY is walking away.

INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY - DAY

Steven opens the door and yells to the Cable Guy.

(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)

STEVEN

Hey, wait!

The Cable Guy turns back.

CABLE GUY

Well, look who decided to show up. I was

just gonna go collect my retirement

pension.

The Cable Guy wears a clean white jump suit, and is extremely confident despite the fact that he

speaks with a slight lisp. This lisp gives him a child-like quality.

STEVEN

You were supposed to be here four hours

ago.

CABLE GUY

Was I? So I'm the tardy one. Good to

know.

STEVEN

Yes. I had to go to the Bed 'n Bath

place, but now it's closed.

CABLE GUY

(turns to leave)

Maybe I shouldn't have come at all ?jerk

off!

(turns back smiling)

I'm just joking. Let's do this.

(looks around)

Oh, the old McNair place. I never thought

they'd get the floors clean after what

happened here.

STEVEN

What happened?

CABLE GUY

(long beat)

They had a lot of cats.

They walk into Steven's living room.

CABLE GUY

Hey, this could be a cool pad. Here is a

comment card.

He pulls out a card, and hands it to Steven without turning back to look at him.

CABLE GUY

Please mail it in when I am done.

STEVEN

These go to your boss?

CABLE GUY

No, they go to me. I'm a

perfectioniss?perfectioniss?

(he strains to lose his lisp)

perfectioniss卼.

Now let's take a look at what we're

dealing with.

The Cable Guy walks around the room with his hands out, sensing the space.

CABLE GUY

Come on baby. Come on baby. Talk to me

baby. Tell me where you like it. That's

it baby.

He zones in on one wall. He fells the wall in a sensuous manner.

CABLE GUY

Here's your sweet spot.

He pulls out his drill, and begins drilling.

CABLE GUY

So your lady kicked you out.

STEVEN

What?

CABLE GUY

In preparing your service I noticed you

were previously wired across town at 1268

and a half Chestnut. Last week the

billing was transferred to one Robin

Harris. Smells like heartbreak to me.

STEVEN

I really don't want to talk about it with

you. Could you please just install my

cable? I'm going to get dressed.

CABLE GUY

No sweat.

Steven walks away, into the hallway. A moment later the Cable Guy runs to him.

CABLE GUY

Hey, I'm going to go to the hallway so I

can access the floorboards. Don't be

spooked if you hear someone crawling

underneath you.

STEVEN

Okay, whatever.

Steven walks toward his bedroom.

CABLE GUY

Put on your bathing suit 'cause you'll be

channel surfing in no time.

The Cable Guy pulls the trigger on his drill twice to punctuate his joke.

13 INT. - STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

CLOSE UP - THE TELEVISION

RIKKI KLIEMAN from COURT TV broadcasts from their studio.

RIKKI KLIEMAN

(to camera)

So ends day fifty-four of the trial of

former child star Sam Sweet who has been

accused of shooting his twin brother,

Stan, in cold blood. The twins were

stars of the hit sitcom "Double Trouble"

which aired from nineteen seventy-seven

till nineteen eighty-four.

A video package rolls in - We see several photographs of Sam Sweet and his twin brother at

various ages. Included is the cast photo of "Double Trouble." Pictured in the photo are eight-year-

old Stan and Sam and Conrad Janis as their single dad.

We see a brief clip from "Double Trouble," starring the two eight-year-old boys, then a shot of

Sam Sweet being taken out of a police car in handcuffs.

RIKKI KLIEMAN

(to camera)

Life wasn't so sweet after the cancellation

of their program. Hollywood chewed them

up and spit them out. A frustrated Sam

turned to petty larceny, while his more

impressionable brother, Stan, fell in

with a fringe cult called "The

Brotherhood of Friends." Reduced to

tabloid fodder a fury was growing inside

of Sam. A burning need to be recognized

as an individual, not a person famous for

having an identical twin. A need that

took the form of four shotgun blasts on

the night of November fourteenth. And so

today his attorneys continue the unusual

defense of "Twin Envy."

ANGLE ON

Steven re-enters the room. The Cable Guy is watching television.

STEVEN

How's it going?

The Cable Guy holds up one finger as if to say "quiet." His eyes never leave the TV.

CABLE GUY

Guilty, guilty, guilt-freakin-tee. I

hope they fry this bastard.

Steven sees that the Cable Guy has completely redecorated the room in a fashion which makes the

room impractical for anything other than watching television. The TV is now on the stairs

blocking the entrance into the living room. All furniture faces the TV, making conversation

impossible.

STEVEN

(looks around)

What happened?

CABLE GUY

(jumps to his feet)

The arrangement of your major appliances

and your furniture was causing some noisy

pics and hum bars in your reception. I

moved a few things. Cleared it right up.

Is that cool?