DUMB AND DUMBER

DUMB AND DUMBER

MISLED AND UNINFORMED

aka DUMB AND DUMBER

Screenplay by

Peter Farrelly & Bennett Yellin & Bob Farrelly

POLISHED DRAFT

11-19-93

MISLED AND UNINFORMED

FADE IN:

EXT. PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND - WINTER MORNING

A PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN is standing on the street corner waiting for a bus. She's carrying

books and looking very collegiate.

A black stretch LIMOUSINE with darkened windows drives past, SLAMS ON ITS BRAKES,

and backs up. The Young Woman stares at her reflection in the windows, wondering what this is

all about.

Finally, the REAR PASSENGER WINDOW zips down, revealing LLOYD CHRISTMAS, age

30. He's a pleasant-enough looking guy, if a little shaggy. He's wearing a dark suit.

LLOYD

Excuse me, can you tell me how to get

to the medical school? I'm supposed

to be giving a lecture in twenty

minutes and my driver's a bit lost.

YOUNG WOMAN

(heavy European accent)

Go straight aheads and makes a left

over za bridge.

Lloyd checks out her body.

LLOYD

I couldn't help noticing the accent.

You from Jersey?

YOUNG WOMAN

(unimpressed)

Austria.

LLOYD

Austria? You're kidding.

(mock-Australian accent)

Well, g'day, mate. What do you say

we get together later and throw a few

shrimp on the barbie.

The Young Woman turns her back to him and walks away.

LLOYD (CONT.)

(to self)

Guess I won't be going Down Under

tonight?

He SIGHS and zips the window back up.

INT. LIMO

Lloyd climbs through the driver's partition into the front seat. Then he puts a CHAUFFEUR'S

CAP on his head and drives away. We see that HE'S THE DRIVER!

The dispatch radio CRACKLES TO LIFE:

DISPATCHER

(v.o.)

Carr 22, come in, car 22?

Lloyd grabs his CB mike.

LLOYD

This is 22.

DISPATCHER

22, where the hell are you, Lloyd?

You're running late on the East Side

pick-up.

LLOYD

Cool your jets, Arnie. I'm on my

way.

DISPATCHER

(v.o.)

Well hurry it up. And make sure you park legally. One more ticket and

your ass is history.

CUT TO:

EXT. MUTT CUTS DOG SALON - DAY

This building is white with black spots on it, like a DALMATION. Over the front door is an

awning shaped like a DOG'S SNOUT, whiskers included. A van pulls up outside.

The vehicle is decorated like a GIANT POODLE, with four legs hanging off the sides, a tail in the

rear, and a dog's snout on the front grill. MUTT CUTS is written on the side of it.

HARRY DUNNE climbs out. He's in his early 30s and dressed in a ridiculous BEAGLE

COSTUME, including a CAP WITH FLOPPY EARS. He goes to the rear of the van, opens it,

and a swarm of DOGS pile out.

HARRY

Okay, gang, single file. You know

the rules: No pushing, no humping,

and no sniffing heinies?

The door to the shop opens and Harry's annoyed boss, MR. PALMER, sticks his head out.

PALMER

Hey, why aren't those mutts on

leashes?

HARRY

The same reason you're not on a

leash, sir ?because it's demeaning

and it chafes like hell.

PALMER

Just get them in here now! They all

have to be bathed and clipped in an

hour.

Palmer disappears back inside. Harry CALLS to the dogs but they pay no attention. He struggles

to keep them from wandering off. He grabs a couple of SMALL POOCHES and sits them on a

wall.

HARRY

You kids stay right here?

As he turns to round up the other, we discover that the wall isn't a wall ?it's a flatbed truck. The

truck drives away, taking the two dogs with it.

HARRY (CONT.)

(at truck)

Hey, wait a minute!

Harry chases after the vehicle.

CUT TO:

EXT. EAST SIDE ESTATE - DAY

Lloyd Christmas pulls the limousine into a long, tree-lined driveway. He gets out and looks up in

awe at an IMPRESSIVE STONE MANSION. He WHISTLES to himself, then walks to the front

door and RINGS THE BELL.

The double-front doors of the mansion open and MARY SWANSON appears. She's 25 and

gorgeous. Lloyd's jaw drops open when he lays eyes on her.

MARY

Hello.

(beat)

I'll be just a minute?

As Mary steps back inside, Lloyd takes out a tiny can of Binaca. He sprays his mouth, under his

arms, his hair, behind his ears?

CUT TO:

INT. LIMO - DAY

Lloyd is driving and Mary is in the back, looking out the window, lost in thought. She's got a

BRIEFCASE resting on her lap and she fingers the leather nervously. Lloyd keeps glancing at her

in the rear-view mirror, but for a moment he is speechless. Then:

LLOYD

Why you going to the airport? Flying

somewhere?

MARY

(dead-pan)

How'd you guess?

LLOYD

Well, I saw your luggage, then when I

noticed the airline ticket, I put two

and two together.

(beat)

So where you heading?

MARY

Aspen.

LLOYD

Oh, you're gonna love it. I hear

California's beautiful this time of

year.

Mary looks back out the window and Lloyd sneaks another glance.

LLOYD

Name's Christmas. Lloyd Christmas.

MARY

I'm Mary.

ON LLOYD - we can almost see his mind work. He's desperate to impress her.

LLOYD

Uh, this isn't my real job, you know.

It's only temporary.

MARY

Oh?

LLOYD

Yeah, you see, my friend Harry and I

are saving up our money so we can

open our own pet store.

MARY

That's nice.

LLOYD

(smiling)

I got worms.

MARY

I beg your pardon?

LLOYD

That's what we're gonna call it: I

Got Worms. We're gonna specialize in

selling worm farms ?you know, like

ant farms. A lot of people don't

realize that worms make much better

pets than ants. They're quiet,

affectionate, they don't bite, and

they're super with the kids.

MARY

Aren't ants quiet, too?

Lloyd realizes she has a point.

LLOYD

Uh?well, sure ?but they aren't half

as affectionate. And if you cut an

ant's head off, it won't grow back.

MARY

I see.

LLOYD

And best of all, worm farming is a

seventy-five-thousand-dollar-a-year

industry. I wouldn't mind having a

piece of that pie, if you know what I

mean.

To her credit, she doesn't. They continue driving. Mary looks at her watch and crosses her legs.

Lloyd can see that she's concerned about something.

LLOYD (CONT.)

What's the matter? Little tense

about the flight?

MARY

(beat)

Something like that.