FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF

There's a pause. Rooney presses the intercom again.

ROONEY

B.S. Come down here.

FERRIS' VOICE

You can reach my parents at their

places of business. Thank you for

stopping by. I appreciate your concern

for my well-being. It will be remembered

long after this illness has past.

His voice clicks off. Rooney presses the intercom again.

ROONEY

I'm not leaving until you come

down and talk to me.

FERRIS' VOICE

Have a nice day.

Rooney presses the intercom.

ROONEY

I'm not leaving, Ferris.

There's no response. Rooney rings the doorbell again. The

pre-recorded litany starts over.

FERRIS' VOICE

Who is it?

Rooney doesn't realize that he's listening to a recording.

ROONEY

Don't get smart with me Ferris!

FERRIS' VOICE

I'm sorry I can't come to the door

right now. I'm very ill and I'm

afraid that in my weakened condition...

Rooney leans back from the door. He can't quite figure out

what's going on. But's it's highly suspicious.

143 INT. HOUSE. LIVING ROOM 143

Rooney steps through the hedges and peeks in the windows. We

HEAR FERRIS' VOICE inside.

FERRIS' VOICE

You may reach my parents at their

places of business.

144 INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN 144

Rooney tries to peak in the kitchen window.

FERRIS' VOICE

I appreciate your conern for my

well-being. It will be remembered

long after...

145 EXT. HOUSE. BACKDOOR 145

A black rubber doggie door. The type that allows a dog to

come and go as it pleases. Rooney is crouched down. He lifts

the doggie door and peeks in the house.

HIS POV

Along the kitchen floor. Through the kitchen, into the

dining room. We hear a LARGE DOG GROWL.

CU. ROONEY

He's peaking through the door. He hears the dog. His face

freezes.

FERRIS

Have a nice day.

EXT. HOUSE. DOGGIE DOOR

A Rottweiler bursts through the doggie door in a fury of

gnashing teeth and foam.

146 CU. LARGE BREASTS 146

Tassled pasties twirl like airplane propellers.

CU. CAMERON, FERRIS AND SLOANE

They're sitting in a booth in the garish, nearly deserted

strip joint. Cameron's mouth is open in amazement. Sloane is

embarrassed and revolted.

CAMERON

How does she do that? One goes

one way, one goes the other.

FERRIS

She's probably schizophrenic.

SLOANE

Ferris, this is nauseating me.

Really. I'm losing respect for

you by the bucket.

FERRIS

You don't think it's amazing that

we got in?

SLOANE

Who wants to get in?

FERRIS

Cameron looks like a toddler, for

Christ's sake. I'm talking about

a major achievement in false

identification.

SLOANE

I'm not interested in watching

someone jiggle their mammary glands.

FERRIS

Point well taken. But consider why

she does it. Why she does it and

you don't.

SLOANE

I'm not a tramp.

FERRIS

Maybe her life fell apart. Maybe she

lost somebody. A lover. A boyfriend.

A parent. A child...

(to CAMERA)

This kind of thing makes me a little

depressed. You may think because I'm

the age I am that I'm a sex maniac.

That sex is all I think about.

But that's not true. I'm a romantic.

I think alot of people my age are.

We think about love and matters of

the heart. And SAT scores and acne

aside, we worry about lonliness. It's

a terrible thing. And we feel it. I

feel it.

He flips his collar up, curls his lip and affects an Elvis

impression. A sappy, do-wop track FADES UP. The club lights

go down. Cameron and Sloane disappear into darkness. Ferris

stands up from the booth. He strolls slowly through the

empty club as the stripper bumps and grinds in a pool of

blue light.

FERRIS

You know, someone said the world's a

stage and each must play a part.

Fate had me playing in love, with you

as my sweetheart. Act one was when we

met. I loved you at first glance. You

read your lines so cleverly and never

missed a cue. Then came act two. You

seemed to change. You acted strange.

And why, I've never known.

He climbs up on the little runway. The stripper disappears

in darkness as Ferris takes over the spotlight.

FERRIS

Honey, you lies when you said you

loved me and I had no cause to

doubt you. But I'd rather go on

hearing your lies than to go on

living without you. Now, the stage

is bare and I'm standing there with

emptiness all around and if you won't

come back to me, then they can bring

the curtain down...

Elvis fades up. The orignal recording. Ferris lip synchs

with the big, dramatic florish that was the King's trademark

ballad sign-off.

ELVIS

IS YOUR HEART FILLED WITH PAIN?

SHALL I COME BACK AGAIN?

TELL ME DEAR, ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?

Ferris drops his head. Like the King would.

147 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET. CAMERON'S CAR 147

Cameron's father is looking at the car. He's studying it. It

looks terribly familiar. He leans into the open car and

reaches for the glovebox to see if the contents will confirm

if it's his. He freezes. He looks up slowly.

HIS POV

The Attendant and the Rastaman are glowering at him. They're

holding bags of fried chicken.

ATTENDANT

You looking for something in my

car?

CU. CAMERON'S FATHER

He shakes his head, no.

CAMERON'S FATHER

No.

148 EXT. FERRIS' TOWN. JEANIE 148

Jeanie's standing at her car. She's staring incredulously

into the distance. Her mouth's open. She's shaking her head

slowly.

HER POV

Spray-painted on the town water tower in gigantic black

letters -- SAVE FERRIS BUELLER.

CU. JEANIE

She's furious.

JEANIE

I'm gonna microwave his nuts...

149 EXT. MICHIGAN AVENUE 149

Afternoon traffic.

150 INT. TAXI CAB 150

Ferris, Sloane and Cameron in the backseat of a checker.

Ferris is on one window, Cameron on the other. Sloane's in

the middle. Ferris is talking to the DRIVER.

FERRIS

So...

He leans forward and reads the driver's name off the city

license.

FERRIS

So, Yuri, how long have you been

in America?

DRIVER

One year.

FERRIS

What's your overall impression?

DRIVER

It's very good here.

FERRIS

Better than Russia?

DRIVER

Much better here than in Russia.

FERRIS

Clearly you've never been to an

American high school.

Ferris sits back. He puts his arm around Sloane.

CAMERON

It's getting late, Ferris. I have

to get the car home. I know you

don't care, but it means my ass.

FERRIS

You think I don't care?

CAMERON

I know you don't care.

FERRIS

That hurts, Cameron.

SLOANE

Jump back, Ferris, Cameron's been

a good sport.

FERRIS

Cameron, what'd you see today?

Cameron looks at him.

FERRIS

You saw four states, a submarine,

a giant heart, seventy five dollars

worth of cooked pancreas, two of the

most incredible breasts ever to come

out of modern plastics, major

league baseball and...

(quizical look)

Are you gonna chuck your nachos?

Cameron's staring past Ferris. He's frozen. Ferris realizes

he's looking at something out the window. He turns. He

freezes.

HIS POV

In the gridlock traffic, their cab is squeezed tight

alongside another cab. In that cab is Tom. He's about a foot

from Ferris. He turns and looks right into CAMERA.

TOM'S POV

Ferris' frozen face.

FERRIS' POV

Tom glances back at his paper. He pauses. Looks up. Thinks.

Turns back to CAMERA.

TOM'S POV

Sloane is sitting where Ferris was. She's wearing

sunglasses, looking bored. She turns and glances out the

window. Fakes a yawn.

HER POV

Tom stares at her. He's baffled. He looks away.

INT. CAB. FLOOR.

Cameron and Ferris are on the floor. On their asses, with

their backs to the back of the front seat, feet up on the

seat.

FERRIS

(to Sloane)

What's he doing?

SLOANE

(revolted)

He's looking at me and he's licking

the glass and making obscene gestures

with his hands.

FERRIS

What?!

Sloane bursts out laughing.

SLOANE

Roast!

She licks her finger and touches Ferris knee. She makes a

sizzling sound. She collapes on the seat in hysterics.

INT. TOM'S CAB

Tom's looking into Ferris' cab.

HIS POV

Sloane's bouncing up and down.

CU. TOM

He can't quite figure out what's going on. He turns and

slowly raises his newspaper over his face. We see on the

back of the paper a small story with the headline: COMMUNITY

RALLIES AROUND SICK YOUTH.

151 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD. DOG 151

The Rottweiler's chewing on a shoe. Tearing it apart.

EXT. BACKYARD. ROONEY

He's standing outside the fence. He's missing a shoe. His

suit pants are torn from the crotch to the knee. His suit

coat pocket is torn off. His hair's messed and there're

grass-stains on his knees and elbows. He's looking in at the

dog.

ROONEY

That's a $28.00 dress shoe, you

worthless mutt!

HIS POV

The Rottweiler leaps at CAMERA.

152 EXT. CITY STREET 152

Ferris is leading the way down Michigan Avenue. He's

hustling through the crowd. He has Sloane by the hand. She's

jogging to keep up. Cameron's a few steps behind. He keeps

bumping into people. Ferris and Sloane make the turn at

Wacker Driver and disappear into the Stone Container

Building. Cameron follows, mumbling again.

CAMERON

Money...tits...please...

153 EXT. HOUSE. FRONT 153

A florist truck pulls up in front of the house. A DELIVERY

MAN gets out iwth a huge floral arrangement. He heads up to

the house.

154 EXT. HOUSE. PORCH 154

Rooney's sitting on the porch patting a bloody knee with his

handkerchief. The delivery man hops up on the steps. Rooney

looks up at him. He greets Rooney cheerily.

DELIVERY MAN

Howdy!

He presses the doorbell. A beat and we hear Ferris'

recording.

FERRIS' VOICE

Who is it?

The Deliver Man presses the intercom.

DELIVERY MAN

Focus on Flowers. I have a delivery.

FERRIS' VOICE

I'm sorry but I can't come to the

door right now. I'm very ill and I'm

afraid...

ROONEY FERRIS' VOICE

It's a recording, asshole. ...that in my weakened

condition, I could take a

DELIVERY MAN nasty spill and subject

What's your problem? myself to further school

absenses...

ROONEY (pause)

He's one of my students. You can reach my parents

at their places of

DELIVERY MAN business. Thank you for

Little bugger's dying. stopping by. I appreciate

your concern for my well-

ROONEY being. It will be

What? remembered long after

this illness has passed.

DELIVERY MAN

As I heard it from our mailman

he was supposedly born with only

half a kidney.