FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF

be-all of human existance. She won't

respect him because you can't respect

someone who kisses your ass. It just

doesn't work.

CU. SLOANE

She's studying Cameron's face. She looks away.

SLOANE

Ferris?

CU. FERRIS

He looks to the picnic table. Then back to CAMERA.

FERRIS

I'm being tested here.

He starts back to the picnic table.

FERRIS

My best friend has flipped-out.

Conventional wisdom would suggest

a visit to the nearest trauma

center. I wouldn't fault anybody

for doing that. My, personally,

I think this calls for something

new, something bold, something wet

and wild.

185 CU. JACUZZI JET 185

UNDERWATER SHOT. A hyrdojet spews a gush of air bubbles.

CU. BLASTER

A finger pushes the PLAY button on the cassette. MUSIC COMES

UP.

CU. BEER CAN LID

The finger pops a beer.

CU. OREO PACKAGE

A painted fingernail pierces the cellophane wrapper.

INT. JACUZZI

Ferris and Sloane are in Sloane's parents' Jacuzzi. Their

clothes are tosssed around the deck. Cameron's been placed

in a patio chair at the edge of the Jacuzzi. He's still

catatonic. He's mummbling softly. Ferris is drinking a beer.

Sloane's eating Oreos.

FERRIS

You feeling any better, Cameron?

SLOANE

The water's really nice. I wish

you'd come in.

CU. CAMERON

Staring into space.

CAMERON

Surgery...fire...move...

CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS

They look at each other. She offers him a cookie. He offers

her his beer.

FERRIS

Cameron? Do you think this because

of the car or is it a combination

of everything shitty in your life?

CU. CAMERON

He doesn't respond.

CAMERON

Music...kiss...attack...

CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS

Sloane sips the beer.

FERRIS

You just can't deal with anymore

shit? The car took you into the

red zone? Time for a reality check?

SLOANE

Cameron? I could flip real easy, too.

There's nothing wrong with it. At one

time or another, everybody goes to

the zoo.

FERRIS

Maybe he was actually sick. Maybe

he wasn't bullshitting himself.

CU. CAMERON

No response.

CAMERON

Gesundheit...God...mercy...

EXT. BACKYARD

Ferris and Sloane watch their catatonic friend.

CU. CAMERON

He smiles.

CU. SLOANE

She leans forward and stares at Cameron.

CU. FERRIS

He cocks his head, wondering what Cameron's up to.

CU. CAMERON

He keels over forward.

EXT. BACKYARD

Cameron falls out of the chair and splashes down,

face-first, into the water. Sloane screams. Ferris leaps for

him.

UNDERWATER

Ferris struggles with Cameron's lifeless bulk.

CU. SLOANE

She's screaming. Ferris thrashes around in the water.

UNDERWATER

Ferris grabs Cameron's collar and rips him out of the water.

EXT. BACKYARD

Ferris sits Cameron on the edge of the Jacuzzi.

FERRIS

CAMERON!

CU. CAMERON

His eyes are closed. He's lifeless.

CU. FERRIS

His face is a mask of terror. He shakes Cameron.

CU. SLOANE

She's screaming.

CU. CAMERON

A smile spreads across his face.

CU. FERRIS

He sees the smile. He stops shaking Cameron.

EXT. JACUZZI

Ferris and Cameron are looking at each other. Sloane's still

screaming. She realizes that Cameron's okay. She stops

screaming.

SLOANE

What?

FERRIS

(Cameron)

You asshole!

Cameron's smiling.

SLOANE

What?

Ferris starts to laugh. Cameron explodes with laughter.

Sloane's bewildered.

SLOANE

What's so funny?

186 INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM 186

Jeanie's sitting on a wooden bench with a WASTED TEENAGE BOY

in a Triumph t-shirt, long hair, torn jeans, creepers, studs

and chains. He's studying her.

BOY

Drugs?

JEANIE

No, thank you. I'm straight.

BOY

I meant, are you here for drugs?

Jeanie stares at him.

JEANIE

Why are you here?

BOY

Drugs.

JEANIE

I don't know why I'm here.

BOY

Then why don't you go home?

JEANIE

Why don't you put your thumb

up your butt?

The boy stares at her.

BOY

You want to talk about your problem?

JEANIE

With you? Are you serious?

BOY

Yeah, I'm serious.

JEANIE

Blow yourself.

Jeanie turns away. The boy crosses his legs. Jeanie looks

back at him.

JEANIE

You really want to know what's wrong?

The boy shrugs.

JEANIE

Alright. If you've got the time,

I've got the troubles. In a nutshell,

I hate my brother. How's that?

BOY

That's cool. Did you shoot him or

something?

JEANIE

No, not yet.

The boy nods. He understands the emotion.

JEANIE

I went home to confirm that the

shithead was ditching school and

a guy broke into the house and I

called the cops and they picked me

up for making a phoney phone call.

BOY

What do you care if your brother

ditches school?

Jeanie stares at the boy.

JEANIE

Why should he get to ditch school

when everybody else has to go?

BOY

You could ditch.

JEANIE

I'd get caught.

BOY

So, you're pissed at him because

he ditches and doesn't get caught?

JEANIE

Basically.

The boy nods knowingly.

BOY

Then your problem is you.

JEANIE

Excuse me?

BOY

Excuse you. You oughta spend a little

more time dealing with yourself and

a little less time worrying about

what your brother does. It's just

an opinion.

Jeanie stares angrily at him. Partly because he's so bold

and partly because he's so right.

BOY

There's somebody you should talk

to.

Jeanie stares at him threateningly.

JEANIE

If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose

a testicle.

BOY

You know him?

CU. JEANIE'S HAND

It curls into a fist.

187 CU. FERRARI TIRE 187

It's spinning rapidly.

CY. ACCELERATOR

A brick's resting on the accelerator, holding it down.

INT. CAMERON'S GARAGE

Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the garage. The

Ferrari is jacked up. The wheels are turning. The engine's

racing.

CAMERON

The whole time I was just thinking

things over. I was like, meditating.

I was thinking about the future.

And I realized it doesn't make

and difference if the present

goes to shit.

FERRIS

I have a agree with you there.

SLOANE

Really.

CAMERON

I've been thinking all day that if

you could only have the use of one

word, what would it be?

FERRIS

Sloane is naked before your eyes and

you're thinking about words?

SLOANE

God bless you, Cameron.

CAMERON

Thank you, Sloane.

CAMERON

If you guys only had one word, what

would it be?

FERRIS

I can't believe you'd think up something

like with a naked girl in a jacuzzi

right in front of you.

SLOANE

Come on, Ferris, answer his question.

FERRIS

Bathroom.

SLOANE

I'd say...

She thinks.

FERRIS

Cash.

CAMERON

It's the only word you could

ever use.

FERRIS

Hello.

SLOANE

Love.

FERRIS

And what is you loathe somebody?

Are you going to say "love" every

time you see them?

SLOANE

It's better than "hello".

FERRIS

Hellos' generic.

SLOANE

You wanna be generic?

CAMERON

It's help.

Cameron smiles at his wisdom. Ferris and Sloane think about

it. It's a good choice. Cameron gets up and walks to the

Ferrari.

CAMERON

The word is help.

Cameron peeks in the window.

CU. ODOMETER

Nothing's happening.

INT. GARAGE

Cameron pulls his head out of the car.