FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF

FERRIS

I could be the Walrus and I'd still

have to bum rides off people.

He passes CAMERA and goes into his room.

FERRIS (OC)

I'm not very political? Let me

put that into perspective...

14 INT. BEDROOM 14

Ferris tosses the towel he's dried hair with on the bed.

FERRIS

My uncle went to Canada to protest

the war, right? On the Fourth of

July he was down with my aunt and he

got drunk and told my Dad he felt

guilty he didn't fight in Viet Nam.

So I said, "What's the deal, Uncle

Jeff? In wartime you want to be a

pacifist and in peacetime you want

to be a soldier. It took you twenty

years to find out you don't believe

in anything?"

(snaps his fingers)

Grounded. Just like that. Two weeks.

(pause)

Be careful when you deal with old

hippies. They can be real touchy.

He opens his door.

15 INT. CLOSET 15

The door opens and Ferris rifles through his shirts.

FERRIS

My mother was a hippie. But she

lost it. She got old. If she listens

to the White Album now? She doesn't hear

music, she hears memories. Nostalgia is

her favorite drug. It'll probably be

mine, too. I hope not.

He finds a shirt he likes. He steps back from the closet and

puts it on. He drops the towel.

16 INT. BEDROOM 16

He walks across the room to his dresser. He opens his

underwear drawer. There's an old model of a submarine on the

top of the dresser. He picks it up.

FERRIS

In eighth grade a friend of mine

made a bong out of one of these.

The smoke tasted like glue.

He pulls out a pair of underwear. He gets dressed as he

speaks.

FERRIS

His name is Garth Volbeck. He's a

serious outsider. Not a bad guy, I

like him. I'm probably his only friend.

I do what I can for him. I mean, if

I was him, I'd appreciate it. Do unto others,

right? Anyway, his mother owns a gas station.

His father's dead and his sister's rumored

to be a prostitute, which is complete bullshit.

She only puts out so people will hang out

with her. It's sad but I don't hold it

against her. Better to hold it against the

guys who use her and don't care about her.

(pause)

My parents never allowed Garth over here.

It was because of his family. Mainly his

older brother. He's in jail. I could see them

not wanting his brother here because he is

a registered psycho. I wouldn't want him here.

I once watched the guy eat a whole bowl of

artificial fruit just so he could see what

it was like to have his stomach pumped.

But Garth isn't his brother. It isn't his fault

that his brother's screwed-up. Alot of fights

with the parents on that point. I always felt

for Garth. I was sleeping at his house once

and I was laying on the dark worrying that

his brother was going to come in and hack me

to death with an ax and I heard Garth crying.

I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing".

... Nothing was wrong. There was no

specific thing he was crying about.

In fact, he wasn't really even aware that

he was crying. He just cried himself to

sleep every night. It was a habit. The

guy's so conditioned to grief that if

he doesn't feel it, he can't sleep. How

could you possibly dump on guy who has to

deal with that kinda shit? My parents

acknowledge the trudge of the situation

and I'm sure that deep down, they do feel

for him but still the guy's banned from

our house.

He looks at himself in the mirror on the back of his closet

door. He doesn't like what he's wearing. He continues his

speech as he disrobes.

FERRIS

Unfortunately, now my parents have a

legit argument. Garth doesn't need his

brother to give him a rep anymore. He's

getting one on his own. He's lost. It's

over for him. He's eighteen. Gone from

school. Gone from life. His legacy is

a gas station.

17 INT. HOUSE. STAIRCASE 17

Ferris comes down the stairs. He's wearing a completely

different outfit.

FERRIS

One very serious danger is playing

sick is that it's possible to believe

your own act.

18 INT. KITCHEN 18

Ferris comes into the kitchen and crosses to the

refrigerator.

FERRIS

That and boredom. Alot of people

ditch and feel great for about an

hour. Then they realize there's

nothing to do. TV and food. I myself

have ditched and gotten so bored I

did homework. Figure that shit out.

He takes a sip out of a bottle of orange juice.

FERRIS

You have to plan things out before

you take the day off. Otherwise

you get all nervous worrying about

what to do and all you get is grief

and the whole point is to take it

easy, cut loose and enjoy.

He crosses to the pantry.

FERRIS

You blow your day and at about three

o'clock, when everybody's out of school,

you're going to wish you'd gone to

school so you could be out having

fun.

He emerges from the pantry with a handful of Oreos.

FERRIS

Avoid the misery. Plan your day.

Do it right.

19 INT. FAMILY ROOM 19

Ferris walks in and flops down in an armchair.

FERRIS

There's alot of pressure at work

in my age group. And it's not always

recognized.

He reaches over and picks up the telephone. He sets it in

his lap.

FERRIS

Some guy whose hair is falling out

and his stomach's hanging over his

belt and everything he eats makes

him fart, he looks at someone like

me and thinks, "This kid's young and

strong and has a full, rich future ahead

of him, what's he got to bitch about?"

20 CU. PHONE 20

He punches out a number.

21 INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 21

He remote controls the TV on.

FERRIS

That's just one reason why I need a

day off every now and then.

22 EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE 22

A sleek, modern house on a couple of deeply wooded acres. A

prime house in a prime location. A telephone rings OVER.

23 INT. BOY'S BEDROOM 23

It's a dark, dreary sick room. Shades drawn, floor strewn

with used tissues, nightstand a still-life of over the

counter remedies. A high school boy, CAMERON FRYE, is laying

in bed. We don't see his face, only a silhouette with a

thermometer sticking out his mouth. U2's SUNDAY BLOODY

SUNDAY is playing. He's mumbling random words.

CAMERON

Food...shelter...no...yes...

The phone rings. His hand reaches back and hits the speaker

phone button.

CAMERON

(weak)

Hello?

FERRIS' VOICE

Cameron! What's happening?

CAMERON

Very little.

FERRIS' VOICE

How do you feel?

CAMERON

Shredded.

FERRIS' VOICE

Is your mother in the room?

Cameron takes the thermometer out of his mouth.

CAMERON

She's not home. Where are you?

FERRIS' VOICE

Home.

24 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS 24

Ferris is sprawled out in the chair.

FERRIS

I'm taking the day off. Get

dressed and come over.

CAMERON'S VOICE

I can't. I'm sick.

FERRIS

It's all in your head. Come on over.

25 INT. CAMERON'S ROOM 25

Cameron's insistant.

CAMERON

I feel like complete shit, Ferris.

I can't go anywhere.

FERRIS' VOICE

I'm sorry to hear that. Now, come

on over and pick me up.

Ferris disconnects. Cameron slowly hangs up the phone.

CAMERON

I'm dying.

The phone rings again. Cameron hits the speaker button.

FERRIS' VOICE

You're not dying. You just can't think

of anything good to do.

26 INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM 26

Ferris hangs up.

FERRIS

If anybody needs a day off, it's

Cameron. He has alot of things to

sort out before he graduates. He

can't be wound this tight and go

to college. His roommate'll kill

him. I've come close myself. But I

like him. He's a little easier to

take when you know why he's like he

is. The boy cannot relax. Pardon

by French but Cameron is so tight

that if you stuck a lump of coal up

his ass, in two weeks you'd have a

diamond.

(after-thought)

And Cameron would worry that he'd

owe taxes on it.

27 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 27

We hear roll call as CAMERA MOVES ACROSS the tile floor. A

shoe's POV.

TEACHER'S VOICE

Albers?

BOY'S VOICE

Here.

TEACHER'S VOICE

Anderson.

GIRL'S VOICE

Here.

CAMERA enters a classroom. It travels past a teacher's Hush

Puppies and heads up an aisle of desk past dirty yellow

Reebocks, rotting Air Jordans, scuffed heels, pristine

loafers...

TEACHER'S VOICE

Anheiser?

BOY'S VOICE

Here.

TEACHER'S VOICE

Busch?

GIRL'S VOICE

Here.

TEACHER'S VOICE

Bueller?

CAMERA reaches the last desk and rises slowly to reveal that

it's empty.

TEACHER'S VOICE

Bueller?

GIRL'S VOICE

He's sick.

(pause)

My best friend's sister's boyfriend's

brother's girlfriend heard from this

guy who knows this kid who's going

with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out

at 31 Flavors last night. I guess

it's pretty serious.

TEACHER'S VOICE

(weary)

Thank you, Simone.

GIRL'S VOICE

(cheery)

No problem whatsoever.

TEACHER'S VOICE

Drucker?

BOY'S VOICE

What?

WOUND-OUT CAR ENGINES COME UP LOUD.

28 CU. TV 28

THE ROAD WARRIOR is playing on video cassette. The big chase

at the end.

INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS

He's sitting in the arm chair pretending it's Humongous' war

wagon. He's wearing a hockey mash. He's steering. He reaches

down and grabs an imaginary nitrous oxide valve.

CU. TV

Humongous reaches down and grabs a real nitrous oxide valve.

He gives it a twist.

CU. FERRIS

He throws himself back against the chair.

CU. TV

The force of the rapid acceleration of his vehicle throws

Humongous back in his seat.

CU. FERRIS

He bounces himself in the chair to simulate the bumpy high

speed ride.

CU. TV

The was wagon hurtles down the road.

CU. FERRIS

He rears back in horror.

CU. TV

The war wagon is heading for a head-on collision with the

tanker truck.

CU. FERRIS

Arms outstretched, head thrown back, braced for collision.

CU. TV

IMPACT!

MOZART COMES UP.

29 CU. FLOWERING TREE BRANCH 29

Outside a bedroom window. A flowering crabtree branch.

Petite pink flowers. WE PULL BACK FROM THE WINDOW INTO THE

ROOM. It's Jeanie's room. A pink and powder blue pig pen.

Clothes everywhere, make-up, books, records. Ferris is

sitting on her bed going through a purse.

FERRIS

This is really degrading.

He comes up with a crumpled dollar bill.

FERRIS

Financing my activities this way.

Very damaging to the self-image.

But, hey, I'm broke. In times of

crisis one must to what one must

to. I'll pay it back. With interest.

He comes up with a five.

FERRIS

Regardless of how much shit sisters

make you eat, how often they rat on

you, how gross they act or how wicked

and insensitive they can be, you should

not alientate them. Because most likely

they have cash and it's usually very easy

to get your hands on.

He holds up a twenty and snaps it. PINK FLOYD'S "MONEY"

COMES UP.

30 INT. LIVING ROOM 30

The song plays as Ferris digs through the sofa cushions.

CU. SOFA

Ferris extracts a sticky quarter from a crevice.

31 INT. PARENTS' BEDROOM 31

Ferris is going through his father's pants pockets. Another

crumpled bill surfaces.

32 CU. WASHING MACHINE TOP 32

A couple of stiff, hard, bleached singles that have gone

through the wash lay on top of the washer. A hand scoops

them up.

33 CU. LUCITE ENCASED PROOF SET 33

An obvious gift from a grandparent. A U.S. Mint proof set. A

ten, a five and a single enclosed in a lucite frame. A

screwdriver tip wedges between the two pieces of Lucite and

pops them apart. A hand peels the bills off the backing.

34 CU. KITCHEN DRAWER 34

Hands ripping through the kitchen junk drawer. Locating a

dollar bill.

35 CU. COIN COLLECTION 35

The familiar blue collector's album. One-by-one, the

quarters are being popped out of their slots.

36 CU. VACCUUM CLEANER 36

The dusty, dirty contents of the bag are emptied on the

floor. Fingers pick a dime out of a matted wad of filth.

37 CU. SNOOPY BANK 37

It's being shaken furiously.

38 CU. BIRTHDAY CARD 38

It's a child's card. It's slowly opened to reveal a crisp,

new five.

39 INT. HALL CLOSET 39

The door opens and Ferris thrusts his hands into the pockets

of the coats. He comes up with a ball of Kleenex. A roll of

Tums. A squirt gun. Then a modest wad of bills. His face

lights up as he counts out the cash. He closes the door.

40 CU. FLOOR AND BED 40

Ferris' face appears between the bed and the floor. His arm

reaches out for a small metal bank hidden under the bed.

41 CU. BANK 41

It's on a work bench. An awl is driven in between the door

and the jamb. It pries the door open. Inside are trading

cards, a charred doll's head, a Zippo lighter and, finally,

a five dollar bill.

42 INT. KITCHEN 42

Ferris is on his hands and knees under the kitchen table.

43 CU. TABLE LEG 43

Ferris lifts the leg and removes a quarter that's been used

to balance the table.