FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF

Rooney's suspicious. Sloane smiles and bids Rooney a hasty

farewell.

SLOANE

I guess that's my Dad. Thanks.

See ya.

She hurries to the car. Rooney watches her. Something does

compute for him.

89 INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE 89

She's watching out the door. She sees the Ferrari pull away.

90 EXT. SCHOOL. ROONEY 90

He can't quite put his finger on what's bothering him.

91 INT. FERRARI 91

Sloane shrieks with delight. She leans across the console

and gives Ferris a kiss.

SLOANE

This is so great! I can't believe

it! Right in front of Rooney!

She laughs and turns to Cameron.

SLOANE

Hi, Cameron. You comfortable?

CAMERON

Hi. No.

SLOANE

What a fabulous car!

CAMERON

Enjoy it quick. It' s going home.

FERRIS

It was risky, it was bold but

it was totally necessary.

SLOANE

What're we gonna do?

FERRIS

The question isn't "what are we

gonna do", the question is "what

aren't we going to do."

CAMERON

Don't tell me we're not going to

take the car home. Please.

FERRIS

(to CAMERA)

If you had access to a car like this

would you take it back right away?

Would you give up feeling like a

ton just to ease your best friend's

tension?

He smiles.

FERRIS

Either would I.

92 EXT. STREET. FERRARI 92

It accelerates away like a shot.

93 EXT. SUBURBAN BANK 93

A fresh, modern bank building. The clock outside read 9:53.

The Ferrari pulls into the parking lot.

94 INT. BANK. DOORS 94

Ferris, Cameron and Sloane walk in. Ferris is cocky and

confident. Sloane's still intoxicated with her freedom.

Cameron's having stomach trouble. Ferris leads the way to an

open teller window.

INT. BANK. TELLER

A WOMAN about seventy with a silver blue beehive. It's about

four inches higher the highest beehive you're ever seen. As

she moves the beehive hits a small sign over her head. She's

been at the bank since they opened. She smiles when she sees

Ferris.

TELLER

Ferris Bueller?

FERRIS

He's at the window. On either shoulder are Cameron and

Sloane. Ferris smiles. Cameron blanches.

FERRIS

Hello, Mrs. Froeling. How are you?

TELLER

She pats the rock-solid mass of blue hair. In doing so she

locates a missing ball point pen. She withdraws it from the

hair and smiles at it's reappearance.

TELLER

I passed a kidney stone Tuesday, so

I'm a little pooped but other than

that, I'm as chipper as can be.

(something occurs to her)

Say, should you be in school?

FERRIS

He lays his savings bonds on the counter.

FERRIS

Me?

(polite laugh)

I'm out of school, Mrs. Froeling.

In fact. I'm married. This is my

wife...Madonna.

Sloane suppresses a laugh.

FERRIS

(to Cameron)

And this is my brother-in-law,

ZZ Top. ZZ, this is Mrs. Froeling.

Cameron isn't amused.

TELLER

(to Cameron)

Is Top a Slavic name?

CAMERON

Yeah.

FERRIS

I'd like to cash these in, please.

We're having a baby and we need the

cash for a crib, clothes, diapers,

food pellets, leash, water dish...

INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW

Mrs. Froeling takes the bonds with a hearty smile. The

latter part of the conversation sails over her like a line

drive.

TELLER

A baby!

(to Sloane)

You must be so excited.

Cameron groans and turns away from the sham.

SLOANE

I'm thrilled, ma'am. I'm especially

looking forward to wearing those

jeans with the stretch panel in

front.

Mrs. Froeling thumbs through the bonds.

TELLER

Are you hoping for a boy or

a girl?

SLOANE

Actually, we're hoping for a car.

CU. CAMERON

He's spooked by the games playing. He scans the bank

nervously. He blinks, focuses, blinks again.

HIS POV

Joyce is with a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE and their bored,

sour-puss teenage son, BOYD. He's sitting in a chair with

his legs slung over the sides waving a Bic lighter back and

forth across his rump. The parents are Joyce's clients from

Vermont. A LOAN OFFICER is discussing the local financing

situation with them. His is an open office adjacent to the

teller windows. Joyce's back is to the tellers.

CU. CAMERON

It's like he's just witnesses an ax murder.

CAMERON

Shit...

INT. BANK. JOYCE

Her back is to the teller windows. She's conducting her

meeting. Behind her we see Cameron grab Ferris and point her

out to him. He waves. Cameron slaps his arm.

INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW

Mrs. Froeling shows Ferris the savings bonds.

TELLER

These bonds aren't mature. If you hold

onto them another two years you'll get

an additional four dollars...

FERRIS

I'm aware of that.

TELLER

You're throwing away four dollars.

FERRIS

No, ma'am, I'm giving it to the

government. They need it. Do you

know what an aircraft carrier's

going for these days?

INT. BANK. JOYCE

She concludes her meeting. She shakes hands with the loan

officer and stands. The Vermont Couple stands. Boyd scrapes

the bottom of his shoe on the desk, leaving a glob of mud

behind and he stands. Joyce turns into the bank. Ferris,

Cameron and Sloane are gone. She escorts her customers out.

INT. BANK. DOOR

Joyce and the Vermont Couple approach the doors. Boyd lays a

luggie in the drinking fountain. Mrs. Froeling passes with

the savings bonds. She stops when she sees Joyce.

JOYCE

Mrs. Froeling, how are you?

MRS. FROELING

I passed a kidney stone Tuesday.

(shifts gears, to Joyce)

Say, you must be very proud.

Joyce doesn't know what she's talking about.

MRS. FROELING

(whispers)

I met Madonna.

She pats Joyce on the arm.

MRS. FROELING

She told me everything. Keep me posted,

I'll want to send a gift.

She toodles on her way. Joyce and the Vermont Couple are

completely baffled.

95 EXT. BANK 95

Joyce and the Vermont Couple walk along the side of the

bank, heading for the parking lot. Boyd's tagging along

behind. He picks up a stone and hurls it into the parking

lot.

JOYCE

My son's home sick today. If

you wouldn't mind, on our way

back to the office, I'd like

to just run in and check up on him.

We HEAR A METALLIC PING! as Boyd's missle hits a car.

MOTHER

Of course.

They pass a show window. As they pass, we hold on the

window. It's promoting saving for college educations. A

mannequin father is congratulating his mannequin son in a

mortar and gown as a stiff Sloane, Ferris and Cameron look

on proudly.

96 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 96

His secretary is dialing a number for him.

SECRETARY

This is the Peterson's home.

She hands the phone to Rooney.

SECRETARY

Watch your mouth this time.

Rooney glares at her.

ROONEY

Ferris Bueller's behind this. There's

no doubt in my mind. That's what I was

saying this morning. Why he has to be stopped.

He's got Sloane Peterson involved in this

thing now. See?

The secretary nods.

SECRETARY

And her grandmother, too.

97 CU. PHONE ANSWER MACHINE 97

It clicks on. We hear a grieved woman's voice. It sounds an

awful lot like Sloane.

SLOANE

We can't come to the phone right now.

We've had a death in the family. If

you need to reach us we'll be at

the following number...

98 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 98

Rooney quickly takes down a number.

99 EXT. CAMERON'S HOUSE 99

His answering machine clicks on. We hear Cameron's voice.

CAMERON'S VOICE

You have reached the Coughlin Bros.

Mortuary. We are unable to come to

the phone right now but if you'll leave

your name and number...

100 INT. DEAN'S OFFICE 100

Rooney hangs up the phone.

ROONEY

Something's going on, goddamn it.

The secretary's looking at a newspaper on Rooney's desk.

She's not listening to him.

SECRETARY

There's a railroad strike.

ROONEY

And I'm going to stop it!

SECRETARY

My brother-in-law'll appreciate it.

Rooney looks at her, puzzled.

ROONEY

What?

SECRETARY

My brother-in-law rides the train

to work.

Rooney stares at her like she's crazy.

ROONEY

Who gives a good goddamn?

101 EXT. EDENS EXPRESSWAY 101

The major thoroughfare into the city of Chicago from the

suburbs. The Ferrari streaks past. In the distance we see

the Sears Tower, the Hancock Building and the Standard Oil

Building.

102 INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY 102

Jeanie's walking down the hall. She's stopped by a KID with

a Coke can.

KID

Yo. We're collecting money to

buy Ferris Bueller a new kidney.

Jeanie stares at him. She's flabbergasted at the proportions

her brother's scan has reached.

KID

They run about fifty g's so it

you could help out...

JEANIE

Go piss up a flagpole!

KID

Huh?

She knocks the can out of his hands and storms down the hall.

The kid yells after her.

KID

Hey, babe! Some day you might

need a favor from Ferris Bueller!

Then where'll you be?!

He reaches for the can.

KID

Heartless wench...

103 EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. PARKING GARAGE 103

The Ferrari pulls into a large parking garage.

EXT. GARAGE

Ferris, Sloane and Cameron get out. Cameron's having fits.

CAMERON

We can't leave the car here!

FERRIS

Why not?

CAMERON

Because we can't! I want it back

home where it belongs!

SLOANE

What could happen to it?

CAMERON

It could get stolen, wrecked, scratched,

you name it.

FERRIS

I'll give the guy a five to watch it.

CAMERON

What guy?

CU. PARKING ATTENDANT

He smiles with relish at the car. 6'6", 240. An IQ that

equals his hourly wage. Shoulder-length hair stuffed into a

hairnet Gold teeth. Earring. Goatee.

EXT. PARKING LOT

The Attendant swaggers over to the car. Ferris slips him a

give.

FERRIS

You speak English?

ATTENDANT

Since I was three.

FERRIS

Great. I want to you take extra special

care of this vehicle, okay?

He pats the Attendant on the arm. He smiles.

ATTENDANT

Like it's a beautiful woman.

FERRIS

I appreciate it.

The Attendant very gingerly gets into the car. Ferris turns

to Cameron. The Ferrari pulls into the lot very slowly, very

carefully. No squealing tires, no revving engine.

FERRIS

See what a finski can do to

a person's attitude? He's going

to treat it like a beautiful

woman.

CAMERON

Yeah, sure. Whip it with a stick

and piss on the hood.

SLOANE

Oh, please, Cameron. Do you have to

be so graphic?

She heads down the street.

SLOANE

This is so right!

Ferris nudges Cameron on. They exit the garage and head

after Sloane. A long beat and the Ferrari creeps down the

exit ramp of the garage. It's gone in the entrance and out

the exit. Another attendant jumps in the passenger side.

He's skinny, tall, with a huge knit hat willed with dreads.

He lets out a spirited laugh and the Ferrari peels out of

the lot. It heads down the street away from Sloane, Ferris

and Cameron.

104 EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE 104

Joyce's care pulls in the driveway. She gets out and heads up

the house.

105 INT. FERRIS' ROOM 105

It's dark. There's a figure in the bed. We hear soft

snoring. A wire runs from under the bed covers to the closet

door to the door to the room itself.

INT. ROOM. DOOR KNOB

The wire is tied to the doorknob. It's taut. Downstairs, we

hear a door open and close.

106 INT. HOUSE. STAIRWAY 106

Joyce quietly walks up the stairs.

107 INT. HOUSE. HALLWAY 107

Joyce comes up the stairs and crosses to Ferris' room. She

listens at the door. WE HEAR THE SNORING.

CU. DOORKNOB

Joyce slowly turns the doorknob and pushes the door open a

crack.

HER POV

The door opens and the figure-like lump in the bed moves.

CU. JOYCE

She smiles and closes the door.

108 INT. ROOM. CLOSET 108

The closet door is open. The wire from the bedroom door is

strung over the top of the closet door. A trophy is attached

to the end of the wire and it's resting on a yard stick. As

the bedroom door closes, the trophy lifts up off the

yardstick and the lump in the bed goes back down to it's

original position.

CU. FERRIS' SYNTHESIZER

Little LED's are lighting up to the rhythm of the snoring.

The snoring it simulated.

109 INT. HALLWAY 109

Joyce listens at the door another beat. She's smiles with

relief and affection.

110 EXT. SEARS TOWER. LATER 110