FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF

FERRIS

No. She's saying it's time for lunch.

SLOANE

What?

FERRIS

Let's go feed Cameron.

They stand up and head out. Ferris hangs back a moment. He

cups his hands to his mouth. He yells at the top of his

voice.

FERRIS

BUY!

And he exits. Cool and casual.

118 INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING FLOOR 118

It explodes with activity in response to Ferris' shout.

We HEAR A RADIO ANNOUNCER.

ANNOUNCER

Commodity prices rose sharply today

in unusually heavy trading...

119 EXT. RESTAURANT 119

A French restaurant on the Gold Coast. It's noon.

120 INT. RESTAURANT 120

Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are standing in the restaurant.

Ferris is looking at the maitre 'd's reservations book.

HIS POV

His fingers runs down to a party of three for 12:00.

INT. RESTAURANT

The maitre'd returns.

MAITRE'D

(to Ferris)

May I help you?

FERRIS

Yes. I'm Abe Frohman. Party of

three for 12:00.

The maitre'd looks at Ferris curiously.

FERRIS

Is there a problem?

MAITRE'D

You're Abe Frohman?

FERRIS

I'm Abe Frohman.

MAITRE'D

(chuckles)

I'm sorry, son. I'm very busy right

now. If you have trouble finding the

door...

Sloane tugs Ferris' sleeve. He ignores her.

FERRIS

Are you suggesting that I'm not

who I say I am?

MAITRE'D

Shall I call the police?

CAMERON

Let's go...Abe.

FERRIS

I'm not going anywhere.

(to the Maitre'd)

Call the police. Go ahead. Better

yet...

(grabs the phone)

...I'll call myself.

Cameron chokes. Sloane grits her teeth. The maitre'd smiles

smuggly.

CU. PHONE

Ferris punches out a number. A beat and the restaurant's

second line lights up and the phone rings.

INT. RESTAURANT

The maitre'd motions for the phone so that he can answer the

call. Ferris waves him off angrily.

FERRIS

You touch me and I yell "rat!"

There's another phone around here.

Find it.

The maitre'd backs off.

CAMERON

Ferris, let's split, please?

SLOANE

Cameron's right. We're gonna

get busted.

FERRIS

Not a chance in the world.

He hands the phone to Sloane.

FERRIS

Ask for Abe Frohman.

INT. RESTAURANT. LATER

Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are seated in the restaurant. The

maitre'd is hovering over Ferris.

MAITRE'D

I appreciate your understanding.

FERRIS

Don't grovel, Charles. Just leave

us to our repast and all will be

forgotten.

MAITRE'D

Enjoy your luncheon.

FERRIS

Thank you.

The maitre'd backs away. Ferris smiles. Sloane is impressed.

Cameron is flushed with nerves.

FERRIS

Darling, you were wonderful.

SLOANE

Oh, but I had a wonderful teacher.

FERRIS

Cameron, dear friend?

Cameron looks to Ferris.

FERRIS

And you thought we wouldn't have

any fun. Shame on you.

Ferris disappears behind his menu.

121 EXT. SCHOOL 121

We HEAR HALLWAY SOUNDS AND JEANIE.

JEANIE (VO)

Ferris Bueller's days are numbered.

122 INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM 122

Jeanie's sitting on a bench in a field hockey uniform. She's

talking to a FRIEND.

JEANIE

(mean, vicious)

I'm gonna bust his buns.

FRIEND

Why? What's the point?

JEANIE

Why? Because I'm sick of the little

dope. He manipulates my parents, he

does whatever he wants, whenever he

wants and he never gets nailed.

(wicked pause)

Well, babe, today I'm the hammer.

She yanks angrily on the velcro strap on her sneakers. The

straps rip off in her hand.

FRIEND

I think he's cute.

JEANIE

Sweetie, it's an established fact that

you have no taste. Ferris is not cute.

He's not charming. He's not nice. He's

not a wonderful person. He's an ignorant

mule and the sooner everybody in this

school comes to that realization the

better off we'll all be.

She displays the velcro straps to her friend.

JEANIE

See? My brother strokes you, you

sympathize with him, I get pissed

off and this is what happens!

Jeanie tosses the straps on the floor.

JEANIE

Let me tell you something. I study

hard, I work hard, I'm polite, I'm

considerate, I'm friendly and fair

to all kinds of people. Except

morons. I try to be everything a

good, decent person should be and

you know what?

FRIEND

Everybody thinks you're an asshole.

Jeanie freezes with her next sentence pinned to her tongue.

JEANIE

Excuse me?

FRIEND

I don't think you're an asshole.

JEANIE

Who does?

Her friend smiles sheepishly.

JEANIE

Rachel?

Jeanie's friend shrugs, wags her head, does everything but

verbally confirm.

JEANIE

Rachel's a dirt bag. Who else?

FRIEND

I don't know. Just forget it.

JEANIE

Forget that everybody thinks I'm an

asshole? Would you like everybody to

think you're an asshole?

FRIEND

Not everybody thinks you're an

asshole. Mr. Rooney likes you.

JEANIE

Oh, hey. That's exciting. A fat

fifty year old clod with B.O.

likes me.

Jeanie shakes her head in disbelief.

JEANIE

Would everybody be happier if

maybe I were to die in a flaming

car accident or something?

FRIEND

Maybe if you didn't cat like and

asshole...

JEANIE

Am I acting like an asshole?

FRIEND

I didn't mean it that way.

JEANIE

I this a conspiracy to shit all

over me or something? Is my brother

behind this? Tell me if he is or I'll

sock your tits.

FRIEND

You really do have a problem, Jeanie.

JEANIE

Me? I have a problem?

FRIEND

Somebody who threatens to sock people's

tits has a problem.

JEANIE

Alright. How about if I sock your

face?

Jeanie's friend gets up.

FRIEND

Take a walk, Jeanie.

Her friend exits.

JEANIE

(yells after her)

If it means anything to you, I

have my period! MY BODY'S RIDDING

ITSELF OF OLD EGGS, GODDAMN IT!

She snarls and slumps against the lockers.

JEANIE

He's gone. He's over. He's monkey meat.

123 INT. MEN'S ROOM. CHEZ PAUL 123

Ferris is standing at the urinal.

FERRIS

She's a person who views life as

an ordeal that must be endured. Her

body is a transport vehicle for her

anger. I don't know where she gets

this shit. Basically, the family's

pretty cool.

He looks down at the urinal.

FERRIS

I wonder if everybody shoots at

cigarette butts in urinals? Probably

not many women.

(continues)

I used to think that my family was

the only one that had weirdness

in it. It used to worry me. Then I

met Cameron and I saw how his

family functioned.

He zips this trousers and steps away from the urinal.

FERRIS

Cameron's home life is really shit.

He wasn't lying. That's why he's sick

all the time. It really upsets him.

What he said about his parents hating

each other? I refuse to sleep over at

his house. His parents fight all the

time. Even when I'm there. Is there

anything worse than being at somebody's

house when their parents are fighting?

It's the absolute height of social

discomfort.

He checks his hair in the mirror.

FERRIS

When they go after each other, Cameron

tightens up. It's scary. He gets so

wadded-up, you couldn't pry his buns

apart with a crowbar. The thing with

taking his old man's car? It's good

for him. It teaches him to deal with

his fear. Plus, and I must

be honest here, I love driving it.

I highly recommend picking one up.

He exists the men's room. We hold a beat. A toilet flushes.

Another beat and Tom walks out of the stall. He crosses to

the sink.

124 INT. RESTAURANT 124

Cameron and Sloane have been served their lunches. They're

staring at the plates.