FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF

CAMERON

What is it?

SLOANE

I don't know. But it looks like

it's already been eaten and digested.

CAMERON

I knew it was a mistake letting

Ferris order for us.

Ferris slides over to the table and drops into his seat.

FERRIS

What are you doing?

Cameron looks at Ferris.

CAMERON

What is this shit?

FERRIS

You got me. I don't speak French.

He puts his napkin in his lap and smells his plate.

FERRIS

I think it's a land-based beefoid

creature.

He takes a bite. He savors the taste.

FERRIS

Splendid.

CAMERON

Really?

FERRIS

Superb.

Cameron and Sloane try theirs. They chew tentatively.

FERRIS

Good?

Sloane and Cameron shrug. It's not bad. A WAITER passes.

Ferris stops him.

FERRIS

Yo, Clouseau!

The waiter stops and looks at Ferris indignantly.

FERRIS

I have a growth on my brain that

causes memory lapses. Could you

tell me what we ordered here?

The waiter glances at the plates.

WAITER

Sweetbreads.

FERRIS

Uh, huh. And what might that be?

WAITER

Pancreas.

FERRIS

As in the gland that has important

functions in digestion and metabolism?

CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON

They stop chewing. They're holding their sweetbreads in their

mouths.

CU. FERRIS

He continues his questioning.

FERRIS

...That secretes a thick, colorless fluid

containing digestive enzymes? The home

of the world famous isles of Langerhans?

CU. WAITER

He nods broadly, knowing that he's spoiling the kids' meal.

CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON

They look at each other.

CU. FERRIS

He pats his mouth with his napkin. He looks to Cameron and

Sloane. He raises a finger, holds it a beat and gives a cue.

CU. WAITER

He turns away as Sloane and Cameron spit out their food.

CU. FERRIS

He watches Sloane and Cameron then glances at the waiter.

FERRIS

Check, please!

125 EXT. RESTAURANT 125

Tom and his two GUESTS are standing at the curb, talking. A

cab is waiting. The door's open. In the B.G. Ferris, Sloane

and Cameron come out of the restaurant. They approach the

cab. Tom's back it to Ferris. Ferris stops cold.

FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON

They turns on cue at Tom, now in the B.G., turns toward the

restaurant.

FERRIS

40,000 restaurants in the downtown

area and I pick the one my father

goes to.

CAMERON

We're gonna get nabbed, for sure.

FERRIS

No way, Cameron. Only the meek

get nabbed. The bold survive.

Let's go.

He turns to the cab. Sloane and Cameron turn slowly.

EXT. STREET. CAB

Tom and his party are still jawing at curbside. Ferris,

Sloane and Cameron slowly approach the cab. Behind the backs

of the men, Ferris scoots Sloane into the cab. Cameron

dashes in. The Ferris hops the cab.

INT. CAB

Ferris slams the door.

CU. CAB DOOR HANDLE

A man's hand reaches for the handle as the cab pulls away.

EXT. RESTAURANT

Tom and his guests watch in bewilderment at their cab takes

off. MUSIC COMES UP.

126 EXT. MUSEUM OR SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY 126

The grand old Chicago museum.

127 INT. MUSEUM. OVERHEAD SHOT 127

The main gallery is crowded with school kids.

INT. MUSEUM. FLOOR

A class of kids walking along holding hands. Among the

second graders are Ferris, Sloane and Cameron, holding hands

looking like giant grade schoolers.

INT. MUSEUM. DISPLAY CASE

Baby chicks are hatching in a huge, round incubator. Sloane,

Ferris and Cameron are intently watching the process.

INT. MUSEUM. COAL MINE

Sloane, Ferris and Cameron ride in the coal train in the

coal mine replica. Ferris and Sloane are making out.

INT. MUSEUM. INDUSTRIAL DISPLAY

Sloane operates a metal press to produce a tin ashtray.

INT. MUSEUM. HEART REPLICA

A giant, walk-thru replica of a human heart. Ferris staggers

out of it, clutching his heart, feigning a massive heart

attack.

INT. GERMAN U-BOAT

Ferris is examining the controls of the captured U-Boat. He

checks to see if he's being watched then he presses a button

and pulls a lever.

CU. PROPELLER

For the first time in forty years, the screw turns.

CU. HUMAN FETUS IN A BOTTLE

The famous stages of life display which features bottled

fetuses. The ninth month. A tiny human being in a jar.

CU. SLOANE, FERRIS, CAMERON

Sloane wants to cry. Cameron's stomach is in his throat.

Ferris is lost in thought. The MUSIC ENDS.

SLOANE

(remorsefully)

I wonder if he has a name?

FERRIS

(blank)

Ninth Month.

128 EXT. CHICAGO RIVER. LONG, HIGH SHOT 128

From the Merchandise Mart, looking down the fetid, green

swath of water. A boat is rolling up the man-made canyon.

CAMERON (VO)

Are you guys worried about nuclear war?

FERRIS (VO)

Cameron, it's a beautiful day, we've

won our freedom, we're traveling down

one of American's most scenic polluted

waterways and you have to bring up

nuclear war?

SLOANE (VO)

It is kind of raggy subject, Cam.

CAMERON (VO)

Regardless. It's with us every day.

The possiblity of global destruction.

SLOANE (VO)

Don't you think it's an issue because

people need something to worry about?

They have to like, have some major

problem that puts all their little

bullshit into some kind of persepective?

CAMERON (VO)

Maybe.

FERRIS

They used to have Viet Nam. They

used to have the oil crisis stuff

and Iran. That's over and people

have to have their big issue. It's

not like somebody came up with the

nuclear holocaust yesterday at

noon, you know.

SLOANE (VO)

To answer your question...No, I'm not

worried about it at all.

FERRIS (VO)

We don't know when the bombs going

off. We do know, however, that college

starts in the fall.

CAMERON (VO)

(dramatic, deadly serious)

Do you know what a nuclear winter is?

Long beat.

SLOANE (VO)

Yeah. Everybody's dead, it's real

cold and the skiing's for shit.

The boat makes the turn in the river and CLEARS FRAME.

EXT. BOAT DOCK

The three are sitting on the aft deck of the tour boat.

Their feet are up on the railing. Very casual, very relaxed.

Discussing the end of the world.

SLOANE

My step-father's always going off about

how when he was young he was committed to

all these causes.

FERRIS

He's full of shit. All the old hippies

are full of shit.

SLOANE

He says I don't care about things like

he did.

FERRIS

What's he care about now?

SLOANE

Baldness, fatty meats and money.

FERRIS

I rest my case.

CAMERON

What's spooky is they still control

everything. They took over when they

were young and they never gave it up.

FERRIS

One of the most frightening experiences

of my young life has been observing

my parents and our neighbors playing

the Baby Boom Edition of Trivial Pursuits.

It's chilling to see people crazed with

the minutia of their past.

CAMERON

It's human nature to like what you had

better than what you have.

SLOANE

Agreed.

A loud speaker on the boat identifies a point of interest.

LOUDSPEAKER

TO YOUR LEFT IT THE WORLD'S TALLEST

BUILDING...

The three look to the left.

LOUDSPEAKER, FERRIS,

SLOANE, CAMERON

The Sears Tower.

CAMERON

You know, this is all very interesting

but I'm starving.

FERRIS

An hour ago you wanted to yack.

CAMERON

I feel better now.

FERRIS

Lean over and grab a fish.

Cameron looks over the side of the boat. An obtuse thought

flashes through Sloane's brain.

SLOANE

What comes after a nuclear winter?

FERRIS

Nuclear spring.

129 EXT. SCHOOL 129

Meanwhile...

130 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DEAN'S OFFICE 130

Jeanie is having a small moral debate with herself.

JEANIE

It's reprehensible to squeal on

your own flesh and blood...but it's

for his own good. His cavalier

attitude will get him into trouble

later in life...and it'll continue

to piss me off and I'll get so

wadded-up that it'll cause cervex cancer

and he'll ruin my life. Screw him.

She slips into the Dean's outer office.

131 INT. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE 131

Rooney's secretary is behind her desk. Jeanie walks in. The

secretary looks up and greets her with a weary smile.

SECRETARY

Hello, Jeanie. Who's bothering

you now?

Jeanie scowls at her.

JEANIE

Is Dean Rooney in?

SECRETARY