Four Rooms

EXT. HALLWAY TO PENTHOUSE – NIGHT

The elevator door opens and Ted wheels out his tray into the hallway.

There's been a bit of an effort to make himself appear a bit less disheveled than in the last scene. He's only minorly successful in the attempt. His uniform still looks like shit, his hair looks tousled, and he walks with a limp.

He wheels the cart up to the penthouse door and KNOCKS at the door.

A woman opens the door, it's Angela from Alex's story.

ANGELA

Hi, Theodore.

TED

What the hell are you doing here?

She holds up the drink she has in her hand.

ANGELA

Having a drink.

TED

Is that crazy husband of yours in there?

ANGELA

Are you kidding, he'll be asleep till Christmas.

From behind her we hear:

VOICE (O.S.)

Entrez, entrez.

Angela steps aside and Ted wheels in the tray.

INT. PENTHOUSE – NIGHT

The penthouse is huge, far and away the best suite in the house. And standing in the middle of the biggest room in the hotel is the hottest, newest comedy star to burst onto the Hollywood scene in nearly a decade: Chester Rush. At this moment in time, he's the king, and he has the swagger of a new king. After only one movie, he's pulled the sword out of the stone. And the look on his face says, "King's good." Surrounding him is his entourage. They all look like once upon a time this evening they were dressed sharp; however, at this late hour, everybody looks about as disheveled as Ted.

One of the lads, Norman, has planted roots in a comfy chair with his leg thrown over the arm and a bottle of Jim Beam in his hand.

The second guy, Leo, is in the back of the room pacing back and forth on the telephone. He is completely oblivious to the rest of the room's activity.

In Chester's hand is an ever present glass of champagne, which he constantly spills as he gestures wildly. Around the room are the leftovers: pizza boxes, fast-food hamburgers, and empty bottles of Cristal Champagne.

CHESTER

(still sitting)

Entrez, entrez, come in, come in.

TED

(wheeling in the tray)

Hi, sorry I took so long, but I got everything you asked for –

CHESTER

 – Not a problem, my friend Mr. Bellboy.

ANGELA

(closing the door)

His name's Theodore.

TED

Actually, it's not Theodore,

(he throws a look at Angela)

It's Ted.

Chester rises from the couch.

CHESTER

So, Ted the Bellboy, as I was saying – would you care for some champagne? That's not what I was saying, but would you care for some champagne?

TED

No, thank you.

CHESTER

Ya sure? Cristal. It's the best. I never liked champagne before I had Cristal, now I love it.

TED

Okay, yeah, sure.

As Chester goes and pours Ted a glass:

CHESTER

 – As I was saying, Ted, don't worry about being late. For our purposes, promptness is far behind thoroughness.

On "thoroughness," he hands Ted the glass.

CHESTER

Chin-chin.

They clink glasses and drink.

CHESTER

Whadya say, Ted?

TED

Thank you?

CHESTER

No, not thank you. Whadya say about the tasty beverage?

TED

It's good.

CHESTER

Fuckin' good, Ted. It's fuckin' good. Let's try it again, shall we? So, Ted, whadya think about the beverage.

TED

It's fuckin' good.

CHESTER

You bet your sweet bippy, Ted. It's fuckin' Cristal, everything else is piss.

Norman in the chair starts yelling at Ted.

NORMAN

Bellboy! Bellboy! Bellboy!

Ted knows he's being laughed at, but not why.

CHESTER

(to Norman)

Knock it off, you're making my friend Ted here uneasy.

(to Ted)

Pay no attention to Norman here, Ted, he's just fuckin' wit' ya, that's all. That's from Quadrophenia. Now me, myself, when I think of bellboys I think of – "bellboy" isn't an insult, is it? Is there another name for what you do that I'm ignorant of? Bellman, bellperson –

TED

Bellboy's fine.

CHESTER

Good. I'm glad they haven't changed that. There's a friendliness to "bellboy." As I was saying, Ted, when Norman thinks of bellboys, he thinks of Quadrophenia. But me, when I think of bellboys, I think of The Bellboy, with Jerry Lewis. Didja ever see The Bellboy?

TED

No.

CHESTER

You should, it's one of Jerry's better movies. He never says a word through the entire film. A completely silent performance. How many actors can pull that off? And he has to go to France to get respect. That says it all about America right there. The minute Jerry Lewis dies, every paper in this fuckin' country gonna write articles calling the man a genius. It's not right. It's not right and it's not fair. But why should that surprise anybody? When has America ever been fair? We might be right every once in a while, but we're very rarely fair.

TED

Where do you want this?

CHESTER

You in a hurry, Ted?

TED

(he is, but doesn't want to rush the movie star)

No, not particularly.

CHESTER

Good, then stop playing "Beat the Clock." Now let me introduce you to everybody.

He puts his arm around Ted and leads him around the room.

Angela crosses frame, drink in hand.

CHESTER

Our friend from downstairs you already seem to be acquainted with.

As she snuggles up in a big comfy chair:

ANGELA

Oh, me and Theodore go way back. Don't we, Theodore?

TED

The name's Ted, Angela. I only let people with loaded guns at my head call me Theodore.

CHESTER

Angela's like you, Ted, a newfound friend.

ANGELA

We met at the pool.

CHESTER

(to Ted)

Have you ever seen Angela in a one-piece?

TED

No.

CHESTER

Well, it's somethin' to see.

CHESTER

(arm around Ted)

The Man sitting in the chair, with the bottle of Jim Bean in his hand and the sense of humor, is Norman. Norman, say hello to Ted.

NORMAN

What's up?

Norman shakes his hand.

CHESTER

The sociable son of a bitch on the telephone is Leo. And the person on the other end of the phone is his lovely wife Ellen.

(to Leo)

Leo, say hello to Ted.

Leo breaks away from his phone conversation for two seconds.

LEO

Hi, Ted, glad you could make it.

(back to phone)

What?

(pause)

What does punctuality have to do with love?

CHESTER

Which brings me to me, Chester Rush, Ted. Pleased to meetcha.

Chester shakes Ted's hand.

TED

I know. I'm sorry I haven't seen your movie.

Chester stops.

Ted wonders if he should have said that.

Chester walks over to the table and pours himself some more champagne. When he talks now it's slower and somewhat distracted. The tone of the scene starts changing.

CHESTER

It's quite all right, Ted, nothing to feel sorry about. That's why God invented video. But you know, Ted, a lot of people did see it.

Chester takes a drink of champagne, a disgusted look crosses his face, and he slowly puts it down.

His manner gives the room a chill.

When he talks, he addresses the room.

CHESTER

Who drank out of this bottle last?

No answer.

Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass.

CHESTER

Who drank out of this bottle – not the other bottles – this bottle last?

NORMAN

What's wrong, Chester?

He spills the champagne from his glass onto the floor.

CHESTER

It's fuckin' flat, Norman, that's what's wrong. The champagne – the fuckin' Cristal's fuckin' flat.

Chester improvises a temper tantrum about the flat Cristal. Everyone looks at him, not knowing what to say. Even Leo walks over to witness. The whole room is uneasy and a little frightened.

When Chester finishes his tantrum, he turns his attention back to Ted. As he talks to him, he opens up another bottle. But it's not the rapid-pace delivery Chester has done so far. It's more troubled and distracted.

CHESTER

I was saying, Ted, a lot of people did see it. And not just on video, either. Leo, what was the final take on domestic?

Leo is still in the doorway making sure his boy's cool.

LEO

72.1 million.

(worried tone)

You okay, champ?

CHESTER

(struggling with bottle)

I'm cool, so talk to your wife.

Leo turns his attention back to the phone and goes inside the room.

CHESTER

(to Ted)

72.1 million dollars. That's before video and before foreign, and before pay-TV and before free TV. We're talking fuckin' asses in fuckin' seats.

(he pops the cork)

Before all that other shit, The Wacky Detective made 72.1 million dollars.

Chester walks over to Ted and fills his glass.

CHESTER

And my new one, The Dog Catcher, it's projected to break a hundred.

(he clinks Ted's glass with his)

The Dog Catcher.

TED

The Dog Catcher.

They both drink.

The tantrum's over, and Chester's back to his fast-talking, good-natured self.

CHESTER

Now let's stroll over here and see what goodies you brought us.

TED

Do you mind me asking what's all this stuff for?

CHESTER

One thing at a time, Ted. I'm not a frog and you're not a bunny, so let's not jump ahead. C'mon, Norman, you should be interested in this.

NORMAN

Damn Skippy!

(pause)

Tell it.