Four Rooms

Ted produces the things they called for.

TED

A block of wood.

Chester knocks on it.

CHESTER

Good.

TED

Three nails.

NORMAN

Why three nails?

CHESTER

That's how many Peter Lorre asked for. Continue, Ted.

Ted is completely bewildered.

TED

A roll of twine.

CHESTER

That's definitely a roll of twine. Continue.

TED

A bucket of ice.

CHESTER

(to Norman)

You into it?

NORMAN

(to Chester)

I'm into it.

CHESTER

(to Ted)

Go on.

TED

A donut.

Chester takes it and eats it.

CHESTER

That's for me. Continue.

TED

And a hatchet.

CHESTER

A hatchet as sharp as the devil himself is what I asked for.

TED

Well, you be the judge.

Ted holds the hatchet out for Chester to take. Norman snatches it instead.

NORMAN

I'll be the judge.

Norman touches the end of the blade with his thumb.

CHESTER

Whadya think?

NORMAN

That's a sharp motherfucker. Bring all this bullshit over to the bar.

CHESTER

You heard him, Ted.

Ted is completely confused and starting to get a little scared, but he does what he's told.

Leo slams down the phone.

LEO

Bitch!

NORMAN

You still married?

LEO

Maybe, maybe not, but I don't give a flyin' fuck either way. I've had it with that Machiavellian bitch! I'm too drunk to drive home. I'm sorry about that, I'm real sorry about that. I got drunk on New Year's Eve, cut my fuckin' head off...

(noticing Ted at the bar)

What's going on here?

CHESTER

We now return you to The Man from Rio, already in progress.

LEO

(surprised)

Noooo, you're gonna do it?

NORMAN

Looks like.

LEO

You guys ain't bullshittin', you're gonna really go for it?

Angela is still curled up.

ANGELA

After talkin' about it all night, they better. I wanna see a show.

CHESTER

When we do it, you'll have something to see.

Leo walks up to Norman and throws his arm around him.

LEO

You are one radical dude.

Ted doesn't know what anybody's talking about, which is just fine with him. He finishes laying out everything on the bar and says:

TED

Well, that's everything, so if you don't need me for anything else, I'll go back downstairs.

CHESTER

Not so fast, Ted. We ain't quite done yet. Why don't you take a seat at the bar, get comfortable, and have an open mind when we explain the festivities of the evening to you.

TED

Look, guys, you paid for the room. As long as you don't break up the furniture, you can do whatever the fuck you want. And me personally, I don't care if you break up the furniture. You don't have to explain anything to me. Whatever constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned is your business.

CHESTER

Well, it's your business, Ted. 'Cause we want you to take part.

TED

Take part in what?

LEO

Chester, your way of breaking the news to him gently is scarin' the shit outta him.

ANGELA

Look at the poor guy. Just spit it out.

Little by little everybody has gathered around Ted.

CHESTER

First off, let me say that there's nothing homosexual about what we're going to ask you to do. There's nothing sexual at all about what we want. But I was thinkin' you might be thinkin' we want you to do some sex thing. Pee on us, suck us off, shit like that. Let me assure you nothing could be farther from what we want –

Angela interrupts:

ANGELA

Can I jump in here?

CHESTER

No, you can't jump in here, this is my story.

ANGELA

Theodore's been here fifteen minutes and you've talked about everything but.

CHESTER

Hey, if you don't like it, you can get the fuck out.

Leo taps his champagne glass with a tiny spoon, shutting everybody up.

LEO

If it'll please the court, let me explain to Ted our intentions.

NORMAN

(yelling)

I second the nomination!

CHESTER

(yelling)

Move the nomination be closed!

Chester takes the hatchet and brings it down on the bar like a hatchet.

CHESTER

(calmly)

Leo, the floor is yours.

LEO

Thank you.

(to Ted)

Ted, did you ever watch the old "Alfred Hitchcok Show"?

TED

(totally bewildered at this point)

Yeah.