Four Rooms

LEO

Did you ever see the episode The Man from Rio, with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen?

TED

I don't think so.

LEO

Oh, you'd remember it all right. In the show, Peter Lorre makes a bet that Steve McQueen can't light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row. Now if Steve McQueen can light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, he wins Peter Lorre's new car. If he can't he loses his little finger.

(pause)

Norman and Chester just made the same bet.

(pause)

Norman's putting up his pinky against Chester's mint convertible, 1964 red convertible Chevy Corvelle that he can light his Zippo ten times in a row.

Pause.

Ted looks at all of them, taking in the information, before saying:

TED

You guys are drunk.

CHESTER

Well, that goes without saying, but that doesn't mean we don't know what we're doing.

NORMAN

I'll tell ya what I'm doin'.

Norman lays an issue of Hot Classic Cars in front of Ted on the bar. On the cover is a picture of Chester smiling, standing next to a beautiful 1964 red convertible Chevy Corvelle. The headline reads: "Hollywood's Hottest New Star Next to America's Hottest Old Car."

NORMAN

I drive a motherfuckin' Honda my sister sold me. You hear what I'm sayin'? A little white motherfuckin' Honda Civic.

 (he holds up the magazine)

You see this shit?!

(reading the magazine)

"Hollywood's hottest new star, next to America's hottest old car."

(he hands Ted the magazine)

Now you take a good look at that machine that this motherfucker over here is standing next to. That's a 1964 nigger-red, rag-top Chevy Corvelle. And I love that car more'n I love hips, lips, and fingertips. Cut to we sittin' here celebrating, gettin' high, drinkin' champagne –

CHESTER

 – Cristal. When you're drinkin' anything else, you're drinking champagne. When you're drinkin' Cristal, you say you're drinkin' Cristal.

NORMAN

 – drinkin' Cristal. Watchin' TV. "Rockin' New Year's Eve." When all of a sudden we flip on Steve McQueen and Peter Lorre bein' fuckin' badass. And I look at this funny motherfucker over here, and I say, "I'd do that for the Chevelle."

LEO

And Chester replies...

CHESTER

"... Oh, really?"

TED

You guys wouldn't be doin' something this stupid unless you were drunk.

Everybody breaks into a "here, here" murmur.

NORMAN

I think that pretty much goes without sayin'. We'd probably chicken out. But when you're fucked-up, you don't lie. You tell the fuckin' truth. And the fuckin' truth is, my lucky Zippo's gonna win me Chester's car.

TED

(to Chester)

Why are you doing this?

CHESTER

Thrill of the bet. I'm the one with something to lose here. 'Cause I can pretty near guarantee that I love my car more'n Norman loves his pinky.

TED

(to Leo)

How 'bout you guys, you're just gonna sit back and let your friends mutilate each other?

LEO

Why not? Life don't get much more exciting than this. I mean if Norman was puttin' his dick on the choppin' block, I'd step in, 'cause, ya know in the morning, we'd really regret that. But his pinky? Who gives a fuck? I mean theoretically, he could lose that choppin' onions tomorrow. Life still goes on.

TED

(to Angela)

How 'bout you?

ANGELA

(to Ted)

I don't care.

CHESTER

Which brings us to your part in this little wager.

TED

I don't have a part.

CHESTER

Now, Ted, my old granddaddy used ta say: "The less a man makes declarative statements, the less he's apt to look foolish in retrospect." Now there're some inherent obstacles in this undertaking. First of all, I'm not some sick fuck like Peter Lorre on that show, travelin' the countryside collecting fingers. We're all buddies, here. Nobody wants Norman to lose his finger. We just wanna chop it off. So if fate doesn't smile on ol' Norman, we'll put his finger on ice and rush 'im to a hospital, where in all likelihood be able to sew it back on.

TED

Hopefully.

LEO

Eighty percent.

NORMAN

Our side.

CHESTER

So Norman's protected. His interests have been looked after. My interests, on the other hand, have not. I am as emotionally attached to my car as Norman is physically to his finger. I'm putting up a very expensive piece of machinery on this wager. Now, if I lose, I lose, I have no problem with that. I'm a big boy, I knew what I was doing. However, if I win, I wanna win. If Norman lights his lighter ten times in a row, he's gonna have no emotional problems about taking my car keys whatsoever. But if I win, it's not inconceivable that Leo or myself, at the last minute, might not be able to wield the ax. Which brings us full circle to you, Ted. Sober Ted. Clear-eyed Ted. We want you to be the diceman.

Pause as they all look at him. Angela breaks it.

ANGELA

Helluva night, huh, Ted?

TED

I gotta get out of here.

Ted abruptly gets up and makes a beeline for the door.

Chester whips out a hundred-dollar bill and quickly calls to Ted from his position at the bar.

CHESTER

Ted, I got a hundred-dollar bill here with your name on it, whether you do what we ask or not, just to sit back down in the chair for one minute more.

Ted spins in his direction.

TED

I'm not gonna cut off his finger!

CHESTER

Maybe you will and maybe you won't, but that has nothing to do with this hundred-dollar bill in my hand. You can tell us all to go fuck off and walk right out that door. But if you sit back down and wait sixty seconds before you do it, you'll be a hundred dollars richer.

Ted just stands across the room, thinking.

ANGELA

Ted. Take the money.

LEO

Ted, you're gonna do whatever you want to do. We're just askin' you to indulge us for another minute more. And Chester's willin' to pay for it.

Ted thinks.

TED

I'll take your money, and I'll sit back down. But a minute from now, I'm gonna walk out the door, and when I do, there'll be no hard feelings?

CHESTER

Well, I want you to have a bit more of an open mind than that, but, yeah, we'll either convince you or we won't. No hard feelings. Right, guys?

Everybody agrees.

Ted wearily sits back down.

Chester positions himself in front of Ted at the bar.

CHESTER

Okay, Leo, you be the timekeeper. Let us know when one minute begins and when it ends.

LEO

You got it.

(he checks his watch)

Gentlemen, start your engines.

Chester jumps up and down, loosening up.

LEO

Begin!

Chester, who talks fast anyway, starts his pitch. It's Chester who now plays "Beat the Clock."

CHESTER

Okay, pay attention here, Ted, I ain't got much time. Now I'm gonna make two piles here on the bar.

(he takes the hundred-dollar bill and lays it out on the bar)

One pile,

(pointing at the hundred-dollar bill)

which is yours. And another pile,

(Chester whips out a money roll fat enough to choke a horse to death)

which could be yours.

(he lays a matching hundred-dollar bill on the bar, starting a second pile)

Now, what you have to be aware of is we're gonna do this bet, one way,

(he lays another hundred on the end pile)

or the other.

(he lays another hundred on the pile)

Whether it's you who holds the ax,

(he lays another hundred on the pile)

or the desk clerk downstairs,

(he lays another hundred on the pile)

or some bum we yank off the street.

(he lays another hundred on the pile)...

NORMAN

You can buy a lot of soup with that pile.

CHESTER

(to Norman)

Shhhh, I'm the closer.

(to the group)

How much is on the bar already? I lost count.