Four Rooms

Ted spews his drink.

TED

Tonight!

BETTY

Yes, tonight.

TED

I can't.

BETTY

Yes, you can.

TED

No, I can't. I never worked the night shift before.

BETTY

Oh night shift – smight shift.

TED

We were supposed to work it together.

BETTY

I know, but I can't.

TED

Why not?

BETTY

I'm having a New Year's Eve party.

TED

Since when?

BETTY

Actually, I'm not having it. My roommate is. And there's this guy. German guy. He's gonna be there. And so am I.

TED

I can't run this place by myself.

BETTY

Oh, sure ya can.

TED

No, I can't.

BETTY

Sam ran this place by himself for fifty years.

TED

Yeah, and he had fifty years of fuckin' practice, too. I haven't had a day.

BETTY

Look, Teddy, calm down –

TED

 – Don't call me Teddy.

BETTY

Ted, the night's cake. It's easy. The day's when it's busy. During the night there's nothing to do.

TED

It's New Year's Eve.

BETTY

Which'll make it less busy than normal. Ever worked on Christmas? Unless you sell turkeys, business is dead. You just got butterflies, that's all.

TED

What I have ain't butterflies. I can't handle this hotel all by myself.

Betty slows the scene down.

BETTY

Okay, let's calm down a minute. Slow it down, cool it off. Let's just talk.

TED

You can say any goddamn thing you want –

BETTY

 – Ted? I thought we were calming down? I thought we were cooling off? No hostility. Say good-bye to hostility. We're just talking.

TED

Okay... okay... okay... I'm calm, I'm cool, let's talk.

BETTY

Ted, in a nutshell, all you have to do is hold the fort. It's New Year's Eve. Most of the guests are going out. You'll just be giving them a little nod as they come staggering in at three... four... five... in the morning. Nobody's having any parties, a few get-togethers, but no parties. You got about three people checking in tonight, that's it. The only variable is Chester Rush in the penthouse.

TED

Chester Rush? The guy from The Wacky Detective?

BETTY

Yeah, him and his entourage checked in last night. They're in the penthouse. The only reason I refer to it as a variable is that he's a movie star. Ya never know about movie stars. I'm tellin' ya, Ted, it's cake.

Betty takes a piece of paper and writes her number down.

BETTY

(continuing)

And look, if you have any problems, call me at the party.

Ted thinks about it for a moment.

TED

Okay.

BETTY

Great –

TED

 – For fifty bucks.

BETTY

Fifty bucks!

TED

You're shirking your duties for this Nazi. For that you pay a price, and the price is fifty bucks.

BETTY

One, Horst is not a Nazi. Two, that's not a fair price. You're taking advantage of the situation. Twenty bucks. Now, twenty bucks is a fair price.

TED

Yeah, but what you're doin' to me ain't fair. And, you are completely and totally taking advantage of me and your position. So fifty bucks is the perfect price.

Betty begrudgingly digs in her purse.

BETTY

Okay, but don't be a pussy. You don't bother me unless it's an emergency. In fact, for fifty bucks, you better not call me unless the fuckin' building's burning down.

She gives him the money.

BETTY

Get ready to take the desk.

Betty leaves.

Ted sits in the chair, takes another drink, and prepares himself for the night.

FADE TO BLACK

STORY TITLE CARD:

"ROOM 321

STRANGE BREW"

FADE IN:

EXT. THE MON SIGNOR HOTEL – DUSK

Ted, the bellboy, meets his first guest of the evening, as a taxi unloads her luggage. To his warm surprise, the guest is a Beautiful Mediterranean Goddess (actually, we will come to see she is not technically a goddess, but a High Priestess). She is about 25 years old, speaks with an Italian accent and is dressed in Gypsy garb. She is Athena.

Ted takes Athena's luggage onto his cart. But one item in a woven Moroccan bag proves to be unbearably heavy. Athena is concerned as he attempts to lift it.

ATHENA

Pleeze be careful – my God. You have no idea...

Ted strains as he uses all his cojones to lift the insanely heavy bag onto the cart. Athena tips the cab driver, stingily. The driver winces and gets in the cab. Ted has now managed with grunts and groans and strained blood vessels to put this thing on the cart. The cab skids away. Athena looks at Ted, who is out of breath.

ATHENA

I'm usually a good tipper, but this one – this cab driver – he had green all around him. I don't like that in a man.

Ted wheezes and pounds on his chest.

TED

Green? Is that bad? Like you read auras or something like that?

ATHENA

Something like that.

TED

Yeah, well what color are you seein' around me... how's the tip lookin?

ATHENA

I see purple... in your face, and...

As if she can't help herself, Athena's eyes are strangely drawn to his crotch. She frowns, confused by this impulse. Ted appears to be charmingly oblivious.

Athena looks back into his face.

ATHENA

... you're okay.

Ted touches his face – as if searching for the "purple" in it – and moves the cart inside, discreetly checking out his crotch and giving her a confused side glance.

INT. FRONT DESK – DUSK

Ted shifts hats to check the girl in. He checks her reservation.

ATHENA

Athena Z.

TED

(scratching his head – weird name, okay)

You're booked in the Honeymoon Suite – just one night? With all this luggage?

ATHENA

I will only need to stay till sunrise.

TED

Okay... and how will you be paying?

ATHENA

With gold.

He looks at this wacky Gypsy chick numbly – she pulls out her Gold Card and smiles.

EXT. ELEVATOR – DUSK

The doors open and Ted and Athena emerge upon the third floor. Ted follows Athena with the cart down the hallway to her room.

AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR

Ted opens the door, then lifts the easiest bags first. In the center of the room is a Jacuzzi with hokey plastic cupids poised with urns on each side. A dormant fireplace looms beyond the still hot tub.

Ted stares at the heavy bag with anxiety – then looks in front of him to Athena as she rubs the round plastic head of a little Cupid and mumbles, "Perfect." Then, arms open wide, chin lifted to heaven, eyes closed, she mumbles a faint incantation. Then she does a belly-dance wiggle and turns to Ted, who is truly perplexed.

ATHENA

Well – the other bag – I need it.

TED

Right.

He starts to lift it, again straining and turning purple. He laughs sickly.

TED

What the hell you got in here, lady? Nuclear weapons?

She relieves him of the task and effortlessly picks up the bag.

ATHENA

(dryly)

The White Cliffs of Dover.

Ted is stunned as she slings the bag over her shoulder and pauses to pull a 10 spot out of her cleavage. She hands it to him. Ted is grateful and disoriented.

ATHENA

The others will be coming soon. Send them, pleeze.

Ted nods, confused by "the others," and walks off with the cart. Then he turns from outside the doorway.

TED

Oh – I forgot to show you how to turn on the Jacuzzi.

But Athena is ahead of him – she flips a switch and water begins to flow from the baby cupids' urns into the hot tub.

ATHENA

I been in dis' place many New Year's. So... you send the others to me, huh. Go now.

As she says this, the door closes with a strange force, shutting Ted out. Athena takes the bag to the bedroom of the suite.

IN THE SUITE BEDROOM

A round bed with pink tuck'n'roll headboard. It's impossible to imagine having an orgasm in this room – unless it were achieved by laughing.

Athena carefully removes a large, beautiful white slab of stone from her tapestry bag. She caresses it and carries it like a baby to the bed and places it in the very center, the head of the rock resting on dusty heart-shaped pillows.

Then she removes from her bag a pink negligee and matching high-heeled slippers. And these she places with reverance on the bed.

ATHENA

On this night, oh great goddess Diana, we restore your virgin flesh and bring you back to real life.

CLOSE ON the rock slab. We hold the artifact.

ATHENA

Soon – I take you to the pond for a cleansing. Well, it's a swimming pool, but it will be under the setting sun, okay?

INT. FRONT DESK – DUSK FALLS

Just as Ted is recovering from the mystery of this first guest, Elspeth arrives. She has skin like marble, the body of Venus, piercing blue eyes, blond hair and is dressed all in black clothing, like Honey West in a rubber dress. She carries several bags, and a silver sword on her shoulder.

TED

May I help you?

ELSPETH

I... we... have a reservation.

Then she snaps, irritated, behind her.

ELSPETH

Kiva!

ANGLE ON a young punk rocker chick with long orange hair, a long leather coat, wearing a tight T-shirt with studs spelling "PUSSY" across her breasts. This is Kiva.

Kiva is kicking the tar and nicotine outta the cigarette machine. Just as Ted's eyes grow wide with anxiety, several packs of smokes drop into the juvenile delinquent's hands.

KIVA

Wait up, gawd! I had to get supplies for this boring ass night.

ELSPETH

(to Ted)

We have a reservation in the Honeymoon Suite.

TED

Oh yeah... you must be one of "the others." And what're you carrying – the Rock of Gibraltar?

She stares at him without humor. He fumbles for the key. He walks around the desk to help her with her black crocodile luggage. Jars clang inside. He is ready to go, but Elspeth turns to lecture Kiva on the hazards of smoking, as Kiva lights up.

ELSPETH

What'd I tell you about smoking?

KIVA

You smoke.

ELSPETH

That's right – I smoke, and I'm addicted to it, and I don't want the same thing to happen to you.

KIVA

(in game-show host voice)

"Hello – welcome to this week's edition of the Hypocrite of the Year Award – "

As Kiva goes off on her impression of a game-show host, Elspeth is growing increasingly rageful, like a mother with an unruly child. Ted waits, luggage in hand.