Four Rooms

ELSPETH

Kiva! That's enough –

She cuts Kiva's ramble off. Kiva blows smoke defiantly.

KIVA

You're not my mother!

ELSPETH

Yes I am.

KIVA

Then why're we sleeping together?

Ted looks on uneasily at the relationship that is beginning to unfold here. Elspeth checks his reaction and becomes self-conscious at his scrutiny.

ELSPETH

Well... I didn't mean it... literally. I... I happen to be the only one who... cares about you –

But her wild child looks off, bored. Elspeth turns to Ted, flustered.

ELSPETH

Please – take us to our room!

Ted smiles uneasily and reaches to relieve her of her sword, but Elspeth quickly slams her palm on the sword and shoots him a piercing glare. He jumps back with a light nervous laugh. He leads the way to the elevator.

AT THE HONEYMOON SUITE DOOR

The couch has been set out here in the hall, as well as coffee tables, lamps, and the TV. Elspeth and Kiva enter the room. Athena is gone. As Ted stumbles around the furniture in the hall, he peers in the room and see a transformation. With most of the furniture removed, candles and incense and flowers are beginning to form an altar around the fireplace.

But oddest of all is the pink-tinged water swirling in the Jacuzzi and pouring from the cupid urns. A sprinkle of white powder on the carpet encircles the hot tub. Elspeth hands him a tip as he gawks at the circle.

ELSPETH

Flea powder. One of the others is bringing her cat.

Ted starts away again, perplexed. He turns for one last look to see Elspeth kneeling before Kiva, who sprawls on the floor. He shakes his head and leaves.

ELSPETH

You're gonna have to wait in the other room.

KIVA

Why?

ELSPETH

Because I said so.

KIVA

I'll watch TV.

ELSPETH

You can't watch TV because the noise will interfere with our ritual.

Kiva looks around the room and spies the TV in the hallway. She turns to Elspeth with sarcastic concession.

KIVA

Okay... Mommy.

Elspeth bristles as the brat saunters off to the bedroom. Elspeth enters the sacred circle, stands before the altar, whips out her sword, and makes a ceremonial gesture pointing the sword upward, perfectly centered between her breasts.

Kiva, behind Elspeth's back, exits from the bedroom doorway into the hall and comes back in, lugging the TV into the honeymoon bedroom.

Elspeth kneels before the altar. Athena enters the room with the "cleansed" artifact and lays the slab in the center of the altar upon the heart-shaped pillows as Elspeth lays her sword next to the rock. The women look upon the union with tender affection.

ATHENA

Soon – our goddess will come. I will go get her negligee.

Athena stands up but her reverie is dispelled as she shrieks! Loud TV suddenly blasts from the bedroom and Kiva the brat is trying on the pink negligee over her clothes. Athena takes the negligee off the irrepressible youth.

ATHENA

What are you doing! Have you no respect – who – who is dis girl?

ELSPETH

Kiva. My friend. Kiva, turn off the TV! I can't leave her at home – she's on probation and I gotta keep an eye on her.

ATHENA

Well, Elspeth, your friend cannot stay here during the ritual. She may be one of your kind, but she is not one of us.

ELSPETH

She stays!! Or I go – along with my offering!

The women have a stare-down. Then Athena calls out – 

ATHENA

TURN OF THE FUCKING TV, MAN!

KIVA

(in a seductive pout)

Make me...

Elspeth becomes anxious with jealousy. Athena is exasperated as she firmly demands from Elspeth – 

ATHENA

Let's not forget – I am the High Fucking Priestess. Deal with dis girl!

Elspeth defers to Athena with remembered reverance and respect. She bows apologetic and scurries to the bedroom.

ATHENA

(eyes lifted to heaven, wearily)

Tell me – did we have these problems in Salem? I don't think so...

IN THE BEDROOM

Elspeth swallows her rage and approaches the brat with a soft touch.

ELSPETH

Kiva... you know what I love about you?

Kiva smirks... yeah, she knows.

ELSPETH

Your sweet side.

KIVA

And what do I get if I'm sweet?

ELSPETH

You get whatever you want. And you know what else I love about you?

KIVA

(seduced now)

What?

ELSPETH

Your nose.

And saying this, she kisses Kiva's nose and leaves the room. Kiva is quieted now. As Elspeth closes the bedroom door, she has the last word.

ELSPETH

And I saw you checking her out.

Kiva slinks back on the bed, put in her place – for now.

IN THE HALLWAY / EXT. ELEVATOR – DUSK

The doors open and Ted pushes a cart of expensive designer luggage – and lots of it – behind yet another Gorgeous Gal. This one is Jezebel, a Southern beauty, fawning over her cat, as she carries nothing else, and proceeds down the hall like a Southern princess.

JEZEBEL

(talking to her cat in baby talk)

Oh you little stinker... oh you sweet little muffin. Yes... Mama loves the baby.

AT THE DOOR

Jezebel bursts in, chattering.

JEZEBEL

Well, this is just darlin'! Just darlin' Hi-dee, girls...

Ted carries all her bags inside awkwardly. Again, the place has become all the more tranformed with wild canopies of exotic cloths and fixings. Elspeth and Athena are hard at work on a strange nature sculpture as Jezebel enters. She stands inside the powdered circle and before the hot tub, which now has dark blue water swirling inside. She presents her cat – upward toward heaven – frees the cat, bares her breasts and sucks in the vibes: "Ahhhh."

Ted settles the bags down, hoping for a peek at her charms, but her back is to him. The kitty rubs on her leg. She picks it up and presses it against her bare breasts, petting it sweetly. She winks and hands him a tip.

JEZEBEL

Toodle-loo.

And saying this, she shoos him away. Through the glass doors to the bedroom, she sees Kiva sprawled on the bed, writing on herself.

JEZEBEL

Well – I see Elspeth has herself a new lil' fool – what the hell is she doin' here on our night of annual ritual?

ATHENA

(wearily)

I have sanctioned her presence, as long as she behaves. Come on – there is more work to be done to welcome our great Diana.

KIVA

I WANT ROOM SERVICE!!

ELSPETH

Why do I always attract girls who are looking for a babysitter?

JEZEBEL

Well now, honey, maybe Juvenile Hall ain't the best place to find serious relationship material.

Elspeth seethes at her. Jezebel acts blithely innocent.

IN THE HALLWAY

Ted is walking from the room with the cart. His face is etched in a mask of perpetual frown as he looks at the tip in his hand – at least these lunachicks tip well.

Waking him out of his deep mood is Raven. Another female intoxication, she wears a short skirt, all done up in Native American, Southwestern themes. No shoes. But she carries a small, old handmade broom. She moves down the hall, blissed-out. Ted makes eye contact, despite himself.

RAVEN

I'm looking for the room for making love.

TED

You might be referring to the Honeymoon Suite. Straight thata way... you can't miss it – see all that furniture in the hallway –

RAVEN

Oh I know the way. I just wanted you to know that I knew where I was going and that you needn't bother yourself with me. The others are here – great!

TED

(wearily)

Oh yeah – it's so great – it's fantastic.

RAVEN

(in deep empathy)

Ohhh... I know it all seems very strange but you're coping with us much better than the bellboys of past New Year's.

TED

Past New Year's?

RAVEN

Oh yes – we've been coming here every New Year... for a long time. Thanks for your patience.

TED

Oh hey – no problem – wreck the place. Bring in cats. Ruin the carpet with flea powder, pour paint in the Jacuzzi. Throw the furniture out the... where're your bags?

RAVEN

I travel very light.

Ted looks down at the broom at her side, her bare feets, her thick dark hair. It keeps getting weirder. She wanders off.

INT. FRONT DESK – NIGHT

The last of the lovely girls arrives. She is different from the others. She looks like a farm girl, very Earth Mother, with a tablecloth halter top and skirt, sandals, and a simple scarf over her long dark curls. She carries two bags by herself and holds a small black pot under her arm. She is Eva.

TED

(already weary of these girls)

Yeah, yeah, Honeymoon Suite.

EVA

Oh... yes... I'm late.

She lowers her eyes, worried.

TED

All right – lemme give ya a hand.

EVA

Oh... no, that's all right. I can carry them by myself.

She is so sweet and sincere that he feels like a heel to have been irritated with her. He picks up her bags.

TED

I'm a man doin' a job – no hero.

Eva smiles, beautifully.

EVA

Well gosh – thank you!

IN THE ELEVATOR

Ted holds Eva's hippy sacks as she holds her black pot. There is a shy quiet tension here.

EVA

Tell me, how long have the others been here?

TED

About an hour.

Eva's heart sinks. They arrive at the door. He carries her bags in.

IN THE SUITE

The room is entirely transformed into a beautiful glowing palace with an elaborate altar, both earthly and the other-earthly. The other four girls are arranging the altar as Eva enters.

ATHENA

You are very late, Eva.

EVA

I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a birth and the placenta was late in coming.

Ted is slightly queasy. She hands him a tip and smiles, then takes it back.

EVA

Oh, wait, lemme give you a little more than that...

Ted's no fool, he waits while Eva looks through her change purse.

ELSPETH

Which birth is more important to you, that of a mortal or that of a goddess?

EVA

All life is precious... but I do apologize for being late, Elspeth.

JEZEBEL

Back home, they jist yank on the umbilical cord, do a Karate chop on the mama's belly, and them things come right out.

EVA

They do that here, too, Jezebel, in the hospitals, but it causes hemorrhages. I fed the mother a bowl of comfrey tea and it brought the afterbirth down perfectly. The couple are going to use it for fertilizer to plant a lovely tree for their baby.

KIVA

Oh wow – if they were really back-to-nature, they'd eat it, like other mammals do.

CLOSE ON Ted's face as he gets thoroughly grossed out.

RAVEN

In some Native American cultures, they dry the umbilical cord, grind it to a fine powder, and put it in a leather pouch that the baby wears to ward off evil. But burying the placenta is also a very sound ecological practice – 'cause of the oxygen it carries.