Four Rooms

EVA

(cheerfully to the others)

Yes – because you see when the placenta detaches from the uterine wall...

TED

(wincing in disgust)

Uh, thank you, ladies – I'll be going now. If you need anything –

Eva places a nice tip in his palm.

ATHENA

Wait. We do need a few things.

Ted sighs as Eva enters the circle with her black pot. She kneels softly, holds her hands in piety before the altar, and softly incants as she offers her pot and places it on the altar. The stone and sword and flowers now rest here on pillows covered in chiffon scarves. The negligee hangs from the mantel, the slippers underneath as if expecting someone to materialize into the garments.

ATHENA

We need fresh rosemary from the kitchen. Mostly what we need is from the kitchen. Hey, are you listening?

Ted is watching Eva, enchanted.

TED

Yeah, yeah, rosemary.

ATHENA

And a little bit of sea salt or Kosher salt if you don't got no sea salt. A bottle of spring water – Italian please, not French shit.

KIVA

And some french fries!

ELSPETH

Kiva, shut up.

ATHENA

(irritated)

And some ginger, two of the eyes of a trout fish, and a piece of raw meat, liver if you have it.

KIVA

(whining)

I want fries – you dumb jerks with your stupid fucking ritual!

ATHENA

Shut up, you little shit.

ELSPETH

Don't talk to her that way!

Ted has scribbled down the items as she speaks. He looks at this list and these girls and shudders as he walks away. He turns, points at Eva.

Ted smiles at this angel of a girl. She smiles back. But, as she looks him in the eyes, he feels a strange buzzing connection happening. He holds his head, almost swooning with dizziness. Athena smirks.

ATHENA

Get to work, man.

Ted comes out of his daze, looks at the list again and huffs off. After he goes, the girls begin to bring forth their most treasured offerings in ornate ancient bottles, vases or vials.

Jezebel folds her arms and clears her throat in the direction of Kiva, sitting idly on the edge of the blue water Jacuzzi, with her feet dipping irreverently in the water.

ELSPETH

Kiva...

KIVA

What?

ELSPETH

You have to go in the next room now.

KIVA

Oh, wow, like I'm bummed out that I can't watch.

(whining at Elspeth)

I'm bored!

ELSPETH

UP!

She climbs up the stairs, trying to pull the brat to her feet.

KIVA

Don't put me in there by myself. I'll miss you way too much.

ELSPETH

Kiva, don't do this to me.

Kiva sees a bit of weakening here; she takes her feet out of the Jacuzzi. She begins to speak softly.

KIVA

Please... if you just lemme... I'll play dress-up with you, the way you like it... you know what I mean... remember...?

Elspeth begins to weaken. But continues to pull the brat up. Kiva pours on softer seduction.

KIVA

We can pretend and I'll do it exactly... the way you want it... with the egg whites and the kilt.

Elspeth is now fully seduced. Kiva takes Elspeth's hand and presses it lightly on her face.

ELSPETH

You mean... like last week?

Kiva nods. Elspeth is enthralled, but from a disgusted "ick" sound from Jezebel, Elspeth realizes she's revealing this side of her life – in front of her coven. She nervously looks around and see all the coven looking at her: a disgusted Jezebel, an understanding Raven, a preoccupied Eva and an impatient and stern Athena.

Elspeth comes to her senses, straightens her posture.

ELSPETH

We'll talk about this later, Kiva.

KIVA

(angrily)

No!

She turns on Elspeth and bites her hand. Elspeth pulls her arm away and grabs Kiva by the hair.

JEZEBEL

Aw, really now – child abuse?

ELSPETH

You stay outta this!

ATHENA

I demand this stop now, Elspeth!

Elspeth lets go of Kiva's hair. Kiva jerks away from her.

KIVA

I'm running away from you!

ELSPETH

Fine. Go ahead. And I'll call your parole officer and she'll find you and send you back to Eastlake!

Kiva stomps off into the bedroom.

ATHENA

Now that the fucking melodrama is over, can we start the goddamn ritual – pleeze?

Elspeth enters the powered circle. Each girl takes off her shoes. They anoint themselves with oils.

ATHENA

We are communing here on New Year's Eve to bring to life the great goddess Diana, who was turned to stone in this very room forty years ago today.

The girls moan in sleepy, eerie agreement as they begin to sway within the circle.

ATHENA

Diana, great beautiful one, we make these offerings to you, that we may undo the wicked spell which deprived you of the seed of your lover, your virginal blood, of your very life. We now form the symbolic rock with our bodies.

And saying this, the girls all form a "rock" with their bodies gracefully draped one upon the other. Music begins, and slowly they start to unfold from the rock. The girls each find their place in a semicircle around the Jacuzzi. Some bare their breasts, other strip off a layer of clothes. They anoint their arms with water from the Jacuzzi.

They begin a lovely dance, snaking their way around the semicircle. The first one to go from one end to the other is Athena. She then proceeds up the stairs and positions herself between the altar and the Jacuzzi. She steps forth with a bottle to the altar and pours it into the Jacuzzi.

ATHENA

On this night, in this hour, we Call upon the Ancient Power O Goddess bride, I offer thee Milk from a mother's sweet titty!

Each of the girls moans eerily. Athena places the bottle on the altar and bows away. She joins the circle as Elspeth now steps forward with her offering in a vial.

ELSPETH

To reverse the evil which has been done I make this offering to the Divine One A whore not, an innocent was, For whom I seized a virgin's blood.

JEZEBEL

Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust, To undo this awful spell is a real must. To bring you life and get you high I offer the sweat of five men's thighs.

The girls moan loudly as they sway. Jezebel places her offering in the hot tub and bows out, returning to the circle. Now Raven comes forth with a small leather canteen. She unscrews the lid as she offers in her opiate stupor.

RAVEN

Diana, oh great one, we live without sun Until this wicked curse is undone. In hope that you live, and to us appear, I have collected a year's worth of tears.

She pours liquid into the mix, as the witches moan. Now it's Eva's turn. Eva continues to sway, not moving forth to the altar. The girls keep their eyes closed as they sway, waiting for Eva's offering. Athena finally gives her a push and she goes.

Eva kneels before the altar. She produces a silver bottle with a chain on its cap and neck. She timidly begins to incant.

EVA

Great Goddess Diana, fail you I will, I was to bring fresh sperm from my Bill. I had him erect, and his semen would follow But alas I was hot, so hot that I swallowed.

The moans turn to wails as the girls GASP and SHRIEK! Athena opens her eyes, wildly.

ATHENA

You stupid little witch! You swallowed the sperm! Aye-yi – yi!

Elspeth opens her eyes and folds her arms, smirking bitterly.

ELSPETH

It just shows what an amazing lack of control you have over yourself, Eva!

JEZEBEL

Honey, why didn't you just use your hands? Didn't your mama teach you not to put them things in your mouth?

RAVEN

I understand though...

Eva bursts into tears. Athena is firm.

ATHENA

There is no time to cry over swallowed sperms. You're gonna have to get some, baby. You have one hour to prove what kind of witch you really are.

Just then: a knock at the door.

ATHENA

(calling out)

What do you want?!

TED

Ted... the bellboy.

Athena smiles and turns to Eva.

ATHENA

Mr. Bellboy, come right in!

Ted opens the door. His eyes bulge out as he looks upon the fleshly feast. He steps back. They giggle seductively, all except Eva, who sniffles, red-eyed. Amazingly, Ted's attention is captivated by Eva's sorrow, not by the naked charms of the other witches. She shyly covers her breasts. Sensitive to her shame and sorrow, he looks away and steps from the door to fetch the room-service cart. Athena directs the others to put on their shirts. Ted wheels in the cart.

TED

Here's the things you asked for. Oh, and uhh, sorry, but I'm not gonna pick the eyes outta this dead fish.

He points to the trout. Elspeth picks it up, flings the eyes into the Jacuzzi, and tosses the trout out of the window. She smirks at him comtemptuously.

ATHENA

(handing Ted 50 bucks)

Okay, mister, here's your fifty-dollar tip, only, you have to do one more thing... make our little Eva smile. Can you? We'll leave you alone.

 (to Eva, firmly)

And don't your mouth!

The girls step out. Athena turns to Eva and points to her watch, then holds up one finger. Eva looks up, worried. The door closes on her and Ted. She looks at Ted and sighs. He covers her with a shawl.

IN THE HALLWAY

The other witches listen at the door.