Four Rooms

ELSPETH

If she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes, I'm going to take him myself.

JEZEBEL

Ha! That'll be a first for you.

ELSPETH

Oh shit – Kiva!

She runs back in for her bratty girlfriend, who is already sneaking out the bedroom door.

ELSPETH

And just where do you think you're going?

KIVA

Well, gawd – I need a candy bar or something – you haven't fed me all day. I'm getting all shaky. My blood sugar's really low.

JEZEBEL

Elspeth – honestly now – some babysitter you're turnin' out ta be!

ATHENA

Enough, girls. I will collect fresh earth. Jezebel, I want you to gather damp moss. Raven, you bring me a birch branch. Elspeth, you go feed your terrible girlfriend. We meet back here in one hour and let's all have faith that Eva can get this guy off.

The witches disperse.

INT. HONEYMOON SUITE – NIGHT

Eva sits among pillows before the altar as Ted stands in front of her. Ted is trying his best to make poor Eva smile. But no matter what his antics, she looks off sadly.

TED

Help me out, lady. I gotta earn this fifty bucks!

EVA

Oh look, they don't care if I smile or not! All they want is...

Ted waits; she sighs and rest her chin in her hand.

EVA

You won't understand, believe me.

She begins to cry tearfully again.

TED

Try me. I've been around, y'know.

He postures proudly, all puffed out. Eva looks at him helplessly. And he paternally encourages her to explain.

EVA

Well... okay. The five of us – Elspeth, Jezebel, Athena, Raven and me – are a coven.

TED

Ha, like a coven of witches?

EVA

Yes.

TED

(stunned)

Oh.

He looks around the room: QUICK CUTS of candles, iconography, jars of lurid substances, unknown body parts of animals woven into the nature sculpture... and are those tongues in that can? Ted's getting the creeps, but again puffs himself up.

TED

I knew that!

EVA

(getting calmer)

And you see, our coven has spent forty years trying to perfect a ritual to undo a wicked curse put on our goddess Diana.

TED

Gee, you don't look a day over twenty!

EVA

Oh... ha ha... I mean the witches before us tried and failed. But Athena, our High Priestess, discovered a great potion to reverse the evil spell which turned our beautiful goddess into an old rock.

TED

(looking at the rock)

Yeah? Is... is that her?

Eva nods, looking lovingly at the stone.

EVA

She was a beautiful virgin. An entertainer by trade, but a great sorceress by design. It was here in this very room, on her wedding night, a jealous rival placed the curse on Diana.

TED

She turned to – that – here?

EVA

Yes... and her young husband turned into a pink fish! They found him swimming in the pool in circles. While our dear goddess: a stone in her honeymoon bed.

Ted frowns as he ponders all this. Eva takes a photo from the altar and hands it to Ted.

EVA

This was Diana.

CLOSE ON PHOTO

A Blond Bombshell in full-on Betty Page attire, a bare-tittied pinup girl, playfully spanking a girl in bondage with a spiked high heel.

TED

This girl here? This is the goddess Diana?

The photograph slowly comes alive. Diana stops spanking the girl and unties her. She pulls the girl (in the black satin mask) up off her lap and makes the girl stand. The women face each other and break into a cheek-to-cheek tango.

CLOSE ON TED

As he shakes his head. Are his eyes playing tricks on him?

TED

I hate to tell you this, but I kinda doubt she was a virgin.

EVA

Oh, but she was! She had lovers, but she saved that for marriage. Which is the example I've tried to follow: to do everything but that till I marry...

She begins to sob again. Ted comforts her.

TED

Hey, don't cry... a virgin is a rare and beautiful thing. If you say she was a virgin, I'll believe it.

EVA

Well, it doesn't matter now... and she won't be resurrected tonight 'cause I failed her. I let my whole coven down!

TED

Wait a sec – that rock was gonna turn back into this?

He holds up the photo. Eva nods.

TED

Now, that would be something worth seeing!

EVA

Only, not now – we were each supposed to bring something – a life fluid.

TED

(wincing in disgust)

If this is gonna be like one of those afterbirth conversations, I don't think I wanna hear this.

EVA

Only... I swallowed it...

TED

You swallowed what?

Eva looks off. Ted searches his brains, thoroughly sickened now.

TED

You mean, you were supposed to bring... like... like a guy's... and you... ?

She nods; he winces, queasy. Eva looks at him, helpless.

EVA

And now, you're my last chance!

TED

(laughing)

Yeah, sure.

TED

(then – panic)

Whoa, what? You want my – for the – witchy poo – ahh no – no way – nope. Besides, it's against hotel policy. I was warned: "No sex with the clientele"!

Eva sobs, pleading. She throws off her shawl, baring her lovely breasts, and reaches her arms around his neck. He keeps backing off. Unbeknownst to him, he is already doing a ritualistic shuffle.

TED

Ha, c'mon now, joke's over.

(seeing this is no joke)

Hey, we're gonna step in the flea powder.

EVA

That's not flea powder, that's sacred dust ground from the horns of Albino goats.

TED

Right! I knew that!

He is backing away, into the circle, as she comes for him, soft and sweet. Her eyes are again putting the magic hex on him, as he tries to resist her gaze.

TED

What's a nice girl like you doing in a coven, anyway?

EVA

Well, see, what I really want to do is be a midwife. I've attended four births already! I can prevent vaginal tears and everything.

TED

(trying to dodge her hexing eyes)

Well, that's a good thing! A guy doesn't like surprises down there.

All the while she is stepping toward him into the circle.

EVA

I joined the coven to attain greater understanding of my feminine power so I could become a truly great midwife!

TED

(the hex working now)

Oh, well, I see you've been gaining a lot of insight into your... girl powers...

Eva sweetly takes his hand and places it on her breast.

EVA

Do you really think so?

TED

(buckling under the temptation)

Well, yeah, I'd say that seems to be the case...

(she licks his neck; his eyes roll back heavenly)

Ohhh, God! Betty's gonna kill me!

EVA

Who's Betty – your girlfriend?

TED

No. My boss.

EVA

Oh good!

TED

Oh no!

They fall into a kiss, as she begins to remove his cap. She moves him toward the Jacuzzi, closer and closer.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

Ted pushes his room-service cart. He is flushed. Puffed up. Lights a cigarette, takes a great big, satisfied drag. Eva runs to the door dreamily, her naked body wrapped in her shawl. She passes him a card.

EVA

My phone number in Topanga. Call me?

TED

(cocky)

Sure, baby. Yeah, I'll give ya a call.

She smiles and shuts the door. The other witches are arriving with supplies from the garden. Kiva, now having raised her blood sugar, sucks on a lollipop, a sunny girl. She talks to Raven, who carries a birch limb.

KIVA

What's that used for?

RAVEN

It's a birch branch, symbolizing eternal life. You can also use the bark for a tea which assists in astral travel.

KIVA

Hey – I wanna be a witch!

The other girls roll their eyes as Elspeth smiles proudly. Ted blows smoke at them and pushes his cart off down the hall. The witches run inside the room.

IN THE SUITE

Eva sits, blissed-out, in the center of the circle, smiles.

EVA

I'm a woman now!

ATHENA

But where is his "stuff"?

EVA

(pointing to the Jacuzzi)

We did it right there, in the big cauldron!