Four Rooms

JEZEBEL

Ooohhh honey, you're gonna be sore tomorra! Didn't your mama teach you that water strips a girl's lubrication?

RAVEN

Sex in water is great in the movies, not in real life... but you will learn. As we all did.

JEZEBEL

Yeah, when she can't walk...

(to Elspeth)

I guess you wouldn't have those kinds of problems –  without penetration.

ELSPETH

No. And virtually no cervical cancer, either.

ATHENA

Okay, girls, enough Sex Education 101, let's get going with our ritual, goddammit.

Athena regally leads the ritual as they all bare their breasts again. Kiva throws off her shirt to join in. As she does, we see black bondage tape on her nipples. Elspeth darts a quick look at the tape, looks at the other witches – not sure she likes this – but she goes with it. The witches sway in a circle, eyes closed, as Eva makes her offering.

EVA

Goddess Diana, I offer you The jism of one I wooed for you That you may live and know such bliss Of getting laid by a guy like this.

The witches all incant.

ALL OF THE WITCHES

So must it be.

They march half-naked as they moan and revel in eerie cries. The Jacuzzi begins to bubble and boil. Their cries heighten; the potion bubbles over.

DISSOLVE TO:

HOURS LATER

Athena reads from a huge leatherbound book, The Book of Shadows, full of potions and spells. Four discouraged witches pack their bags. The room has been restored to its worldly under-splendor. Kiva uses the remote on the TV... so much for witchcraft. The slab of rock remains a slab.

ATHENA

I don't understand what went wrong.

ELSPETH

I say Eva pulled one over on us.

EVA

What?

JEZEBEL

Honey – Eva was wearing the face of someone just fucked good... and the best actress in this world, or any other, can't fake a thing like that!

ELSPETH

Exactly – if she was fucked so good, how could she save his come?

RAVEN

It could be done...

ATHENA

Girls, knock it off.

(she looks up from the book)

Maybe... maybe it needed to be the sperm of a virgin male.

EVA

(dreamily)

He was no virgin!

The witches sadly collect their things. Athena, deep in thought, strokes the slab.

ATHENA

Let's leave her here, with the sword, until dawn. I will come back for her before checkout time. I just... feel too sad to carry her away before the sun comes up to warm her.

They all agree. They pick up their bags and head out.

JEZEBEL

(cuddling her cat)

I can't believe we have to carry our own bags out! My mama would have a hissy fit!

KIVA

(flirtatiously)

I'll carry your bags.

ELSPETH

(firmly)

You're carrying my bags!

They leave the room. Jezebel's cat leaps from her arms as she hoists her luggage. Eva walks out satisfied, thought perhaps a little sore – "ouch," she says, and smiles. Athena takes one last look at their goddess slab.

ATHENA

Next year, we try again – with virgin sperm.

She closes the door on the Honeymoon Suite (till next New Year's Eve!).

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE UP ON:

INT. MON SIGNOR LOBBY – NIGHT

Ted behind the desk, on the phone. We only hear his side.

TED

Oh, Jesus, what did I tell you? Do you want milk and cookies, or do you not?

(pause)

I can't turn on an adult station without permission from your parents.

(pause, he checks his computer)

That's not what the machine tells me.

(pause)

You be good and you'll get milk and cookies, but for now leave me alone, please. I'll be up later to put you both to sleep.

He hangs up.

TED

(to himself)

Goddamn kids.

SUPER: "1:00 a.m."

The phone rings again.

TED

Room Service.

INT. ROOM 404 – NIGHT

A small party is going on. A long-haired Yuppie Scum type in on the line. Music BLARES. People dance in background.

YUPPIE SCUM

What room am I in?

INT. FRONT DESK – NIGHT

BACK AND FORTH

TED

This is the front desk, sir.

The Yuppie turns away from the phone and speaks to Real Theodore.

YUPPIE SCUM

What room are we in?

REAL THEODORE

How should I know? I just got here.

YUPPIE SCUM

(into phone)

You know, don't you have one of those light things?

TED

If you care to go to the door and look on the other side, you'll find the room number.

YUPPIE SCUM

(to Real Theodore)

Call my assistant and ask her what floor we're on.

REAL THEODORE

Who's your assistant?

YUPPIE SCUM

The girl you party with every night.

REAL THEODORE

(to himself)

Who?

TED

I'm here alone, sir.

REAL THEODORE

It's room 404, I think.

YUPPIE SCUM

I could have sworn we were on the fifth floor.

REAL THEODORE

Right. 404.

YUPPIE SCUM

(into phone)

Right. 404.

TED

What do you need, sir?

YUPPIE SCUM

(to Real Theodore)

What do we need?

REAL THEODORE

Ice.

YUPPIE SCUM

Ice?

REAL THEODORE

Ice.

YUPPIE SCUM

(into phone)

Ice.

TED

Ice.

YUPPIE SCUM

Yeah. Ice.

TED

Right, sir. Ice. 404. I'll be with you momentarily.

CUT TO:

STORY TITLE CARD:

"ROOM 404

THE WRONG MAN"

INT. DARK HALLWAY

Ted saunters down a hallway with a butt hanging out the corner of his mouth and a bucket of ice swinging at his side. He pulls up at a door on which the faded numbers read something like "Room 404."

Ted knocks on the door. After a moment, the latch is thrown and the door swings open. Ted cautiously steps into the dark room.

INT. ROOM 404

TED

Anybody home?

A DEMONIC CACKLE cuts through the darkness.

MAN'S VOICE

No one here but us chickens.

TED

Say, it's pretty dark in here, sir.

MAN'S VOICE

What do you expect, Theodore, a fuckin' floor show?

TED

Do I know you?

MAN'S VOICE

I don't know. Do you?

In a flash the lights switch on and Ted finds himself staring down the barrel of a pretty intense-looking .357 Magnum, cocked and ready to fire. At the other end of the gun stands a 50-year-old man, Sigfried, who sports a Cheshire Cat smile and a "just try fuckin' with me" look on his face. Sigfried isn't the only person in the room. Directly behind him sits a beautiful young woman, Angela, gagged and bound to a chair. Ted drops the bucket to the floor.

TED

I brought your ice.

SIGFRIED

That's cute. In fact, the whole getup's kind of cute. The monkey suit's a nice touch, honey puss.

TED

This has to be a mistake. Is this room 404?

SIGFRIED

Theodore? What do you take me for, Theodore?

TED

A very upset man?

Sigfried reaches in his pocket and throws a handful of assorted stimulants into his mouth, chewing on them like they were breath mints. Sigfried thrusts his hand forward, gripping Ted by the throat, and leads him to Angela.

SIGFRIED

(to Angela)

I am an upset man, Theodore.

TED

How do you know my name, sir?

SIGFRIED

I'm psychic, Theodore.

TED

Look my name is Ted, actually, and I have no idea what's going on here, but I've obviously come at a bad time.

SIGFRIED

Let's not belabor the fact that you have no sense of timing, Theodore. The fact is you're here.

Sigfried turns to Angela.

SIGFRIED

(continuing)

And I couldn't think of a better time for you to introduce me to your beau than on New Year's Eve.

TED

Oh fuck, there's a mistake. You're fucking wrong here. My name is Theodore, yes! My mother named me that and I hate the name. But I'm a fucking bellhop. People call me Ted. I work here.

Suddenly, with great force, Sigfried slams the butt of his pistol smack into Ted's temple, sending him to the floor. Ted looks up at Sigfried in shock.

SIGFRIED

Look, I'd love to sit here all night with you talking about things like when you broke in your first mitt –

(pause)

That was insensitive of me, wasn't it, T H E O D O R E? But let's cut to the chase, okay?

TED

Okay.

SIGFRIED

So apologize!

A tense silence fills the room. All eyes are on Ted, who can't figure out what the fuck this guy wants.

TED

For what?

Sigfried looks hard with disbelief at Ted, who winces back.

SIGFRIED

You are really beginning to annoy me, Theodore.

Sigfried throws another handful of pills into his mouth.