Four Rooms

TED

Look, obviously you two are working something out and if I could help you with your problem I would.

SIGFRIED

What are you saying? Are you saying I got a problem? Are you trying to say I don't give her what she needs? That I'm FUCKING INSENSITIVE!!

TED

Look, is this about another man? Or something?

Ted has struck a raw nerve. Sigfried's mood swings drastically; he bends down next to Ted.

SIGFRIED

Let's get our ABC's right, here, Theodore. Theodore, right?

TED

Ted's better.

SIGFRIED

Ted, okay... Are you saying my wife cheats on me?

TED

I didn't say that... I...

SIGFRIED

Oh, for Christ's sake, Theodore, this is about as intimate a situation as you can get, you, me, and Angela here. It's pretty cozy. To say nothing of how stupid an idea it is to lie to a man with a loaded gun without considering the possible response. I demand an apology!

The phone rings.

SIGFRIED

Don't move. I've got to take this.

Sigfried glances at it. Then to Angela. He picks up the phone.

SIGFRIED

(into phone)

What?

(pause)

We ain't got any needles here, kid. Just a big fucking gun.

He listens to the other line, says good-bye, and hangs up.

SIGFRIED

(to Ted)

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I remember.

Sigfried kneels next to Ted and assumes a prayer position.

SIGFRIED

I want you to pray for forgiveness, Theodore.

Sigfried, hands clasped together, signals for Ted to do the same. The gun lies at his side. Ted considers a bold move, but thinks better of it. Sigfried's eyes pop open. He cuts a look to Ted, signaling him to assume the pose.

SIGFRIED

(continuing)

Now say after me, "I apologize..."

TED

I apologize...

SIGFRIED

For what?

Ted looks to Angela for help. She can only stare back with intense, wide-open eyes.

SIGFRIED

For fucking what?

TED

That I said you might have been unfaithful?

SIGFRIED

"That I said you might have been unfaithful?" Listen, Theodore, you're in church here... you're kneeling in front of an altar. Truth... truth is all it hears. Say the following, "I, Theodore, must humbly and sincerely apologize for saying that you fucked another man!"

Ted repeats what Sigfried has told him. This appears to have a calming effect on Sigfried, who gets up off the floor, turning his face to Angela.

SIGFRIED

(continuing)

Satisfied?

Angela nods.

SIGFRIED

(continuing)

Do you accept the fucking apology?

Naturally, Angela says nothing.

SIGFRIED

(continuing)

You always gotta get the last word, don't you? It's one way with you, Angela, isn't it? I give and I give and I get nothing back.

Sigfried turns to Ted.

SIGFRIED

(continuing)

She just sits there waiting for me to jump through hoops...

Angela attempts to speak through the gag. Both men wait with bated breath for a response. Sigfried's had enough.

SIGFRIED

(continuing)

Stupid me, for a second I thought you were going to say something... something like, "I'm sorry." HA! "I'm sorry." You're absolutely right, love cakes, I wouldn't want it that way. That's one thing you can say about Angela. She'll never do anything she doesn't want to do. If the feeling ain't there, she just isn't going to do it. There is nothing in this world as fucked as a woman who gives when she doesn't want to. Never let that happen to you, Theodore. It makes you feel very little indeed.

Ted beckons Sigfried.

TED

You mind if I...?

SIGFRIED

Go ahead. Spit it out.

TED

I don't mean to upset you further, sir, but I think she was trying to say yes.

SIGFRIED

Are you condescending to me, Theodore?

TED

Absolutely not, I would never do that.

SIGFRIED

Why don't you just say it?

TED

Say what?

SIGFRIED

That you think I'm an idiot.

TED

I would never say that.

SIGFRIED

You think you're superior to me, don't ya, Theodore? You don't think I notice there is a gag in the woman's mouth.

TED

Of course you do.

SIGFRIED

Naturally "of course." And do you know how I know that?

TED

How, sir?

SIGFRIED

Because I PUT THE GAG IN HER MOUTH! I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about communication, Theodore. It's all in the eyes...

(points the gun at Ted)

Him?

(turns the gun on himself)

Or me? Him or me? No one? Okay. Let's drag it out.

Sigfried empties the last of the pills into his mouth, heaving the empty bottle over his shoulder. He takes off, disappearing into the bathroom.

INT. ROOM 404

Ted finds himself alone with Angela. They lock eyes. Angela implores Ted to lean forward. Ted sizes up the situation: His chances of making it to the door are slim due to the fact that he would have to pass by the bathroom door. Ted paces back and forth in front of Angela, who struggles to get his attention. He whips around and they face off in what appears to be a game of charades. Ted finally gets the point and cautiously removes the gag from Angela's mouth. Angela spits an old sock out.

TED

What!

ANGELA

We don't have time to play charades here, asshole! Untie me quick.

TED

Listen, lady, I don't know what in the hell is going on here, but I'd appreciate it if you would explain to that nutcase that he's making a big mistake.

ANGELA

Look, whether you like it or not, you're in the middle of a situation here you can't just wish your way out of.

TED

But I've never seen you people before, we're complete strangers.

ANGELA

Everyone starts out strangers, Ted, it's where we end up that counts. Hurry up.

Ted wrestles with the idea of whether to untie Angela or not.

TED

I don't know if I can do this. It's too hard.

ANGELA

Life is hard, Ted. You ever stopped to consider how many times you change your underwear in a lifetime?

On nervous impulse, Ted begins the calculations.

ANGELA

I don't mean literally, you ignoramus.

TED

What?

ANGELA

Forget it, listen to me. There's a gun in my suitcase behind the bed, it's loaded...

TED

I'm not going to shoot anybody.

ANGELA

Fine. Get the gun and I'll shoot "anybody."

TED

And make me an accessory in the murder of your husband?

Ted collapses to his knees in front of Angela.

TED

That's not fair. It just isn't fair.

ANGELA

Get a fucking grip on yourself. First off, who says he's my husband? And second, we are a long way from fair here, fair is back in jolly old England eatin' crumpets and sipping on tea.

Ted collects himself.

TED

Tut. Tut. Tut. Not so fast. Well, maybe there are two sides to this thing.

ANGELA

There are two sides to a plate, still you only eat off of one. Now GET THE GUN!

TED

So why's he got you tied up?

ANGELA

I'm a werewolf, Ted! Get the gun!

Ted is at a loss as to what to do. Angela turns on the charm.

ANGELA

Come on, Ted. Come over here just for a minute. You can do it. Come on, Ted. You look like a good guy.

Ted creeps towards her.

ANGELA

That's it, Teddy. You look so much more attractive when you're self-assured.

Sigfried suddenly comes to life... He's heard from the bathroom belting out "Life is but a dream... she-boom, she-boom."

ANGELA

(she panics)

Quick, he's coming back. Put the gag back in, and remember the gun!

Ted hurries to replace the sock in her mouth.

TED

Nine thousand, three hundred and twenty-two times, to the best of my estimation.

INT. ROOM 404

Sigfried coughs, sending a chill up Ted's spine. Ted whips around to discover Sigfried leaning up against the door to the bathroom.

SIGFRIED

I was just beginning to think I could trust you, Theodore. Silly me.

Ted's fingers are frozen over Angela's lips.

TED

I was just trying to help her breathe a little.

SIGFRIED

Don't let me stop you, Teddy. You don't mind me calling you Teddy, do you?

TED

That's fine.

SIGFRIED

I used to have a little bunny rabbit named Teddy, it looked real cute nibbling on Angela's ear. Only problem here is you're no bunny rabbit, Theodore, and it really fuckin' razzes me to picture you doin' it. But don't let me stop you, Teddy... no need to play sneaky-poo.

Ted starts to back toward the door.

TED

Look, man, if this is some kind of Voodoo thing and you want me to have sex with your wife, there is absolutely no way.

SIGFRIED

(shouts at the top of his lungs)

I said, nibble, asshole! Now!

The directness of Sigfried's command, coupled with the SOUND of a trigger being cocked, forces Ted to approach Angela. Angela is a stunning beauty, and Ted being kind of a shy guy makes for an awkward situation. Ted leans forward. As he closes in, Angela's eyes close.

TED

(whispers)

Sorry, lady.

Ted pulls up short of actually nibbling on Angela.

SIGFRIED

What's the matter, no whiz left in the cheese? I'm not cramping your style, am I?

TED

Look, I'm not playing this game anymore.

Sigfried yanks Ted backwards. He wraps his arms around him.

SIGFRIED

It's almost all over, Theodore, and soon you can go home to Mommy.

Ted struggles to free himself from Sigfried's powerful bear hug and blasts out the following monologue.