Four Rooms

TED

My name is not Theodore, it's TED, TED, TED, T... E... D... TED... NOT TEDDY, NOT THEODORE... TED... Yes, my mother did me the service of naming me Theodore and I haven't a clue as to how you know that because everyone who knows that lives a long way away from here. Do you have any idea what it's like to go to school where all the other kids' parents are in jail doing time for crimes like grand larceny, aggravated assault, burglary and murder, and you get stuck with a mother who names you Theodore and dressed you up in little matching pink outfits with, get this, a little blue bow fucking tie! Well, I'll tell you what happens. Pretty soon Theodore becomes "Theo the Thumper," and when Theo the Thumper gets old enough, he packs his bags and goes thousands of miles away where he can put the whole bloody mess behind him. So, if you don't mind, shoot me now, because no one is going to call me that again. My name is Ted, okay? Got it? TED!

Sigfried has followed the entire tirade in stunned silence. He takes a step toward Ted and offers him his hand.

SIGFRIED

Sigfried.

TED

What?

SIGFRIED

My name is Sigfried.

TED

Sigfried?

Sigfried cuts a "Something wrong with that?" look at Ted.

SIGFRIED

Yah, Sigfried.

TED

Nice to meet you, Sigfried.

Ted cautiously takes Sigfried's hand.

SIGFRIED

Very impressive, Ted. "Theo the Thumper?"... Ouch. It's a deal, kid. Ted it will be.

TED

Thanks.

Sigfried holds onto Ted's hand. The soft sound of distant fireworks pops in the background. Car horns and a muffled countdown signal that it's New Year's. Sigfried moves uncomfortably close to Ted and from out of nowhere bolts forward, planting a wet kiss right on Ted's mouth. Something snaps in Sigfried. He is either really getting off on this or he is caught in the grips of a seizure. He doubles back on the floors. Ted and Angela watch as he flops around like a flounder with the cocked gun waving all over the place. Ted wipes his mouth with his jacket sleeve while trying to dodge the barrel of the gun.

TED

You okay, mister? I'll get help!

Sigfried manages to steady the gun and point it directly at Ted. He signals for Ted to go to the bathroom.

TED

(continuing)

That's the wrong door, sir.

Sigfried grabs Ted by the leg and shove the barrel of the gun into his crotch. Sigfried pulls Ted's face closer to his.

SIGFRIED

Get me the nitro... it's in the bathroom cabinet. Now!

Ted rushes into the bathroom, leaving Sigfried a babbling mess behind.

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – SAME TIME

Ted enters the bathroom, which appears shaken by an earthquake. Towels and wet clothes are all over the place. An evening gown is flushed halfway down the toilet and pills are everywhere. Sigfried is shouting from the other room to hurry. Ted checks the cabinet, searching for a bottle marked "Nitro." No luck. Ted spots a small window set above the toilet.

He figures this is the best chance he's got to make a break.

Ted goes for it. He manages to get his head and one arm through the window before he gets stuck. His legs dangle in the bathroom. Struggle as he may, he can only hit the toilet-bowl lever, which sends a loud FLUSH SOUND out through the apartment.

SIGFRIED (O.S.)

(shouting in the distance)

It's no time to take a leak, Teddy, I'm fucking dying here!

EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW – NIGHT

Outside the window, Ted's in another world. He's almost safe. It's a strange feeling, kind of like bathing in warm water in paradise, knowing a huge shark is ready to rip his ass off. He can see the flickering red glowing light from the witches' room from the floor below.

EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND BELOW – NIGHT

Ted sees Eva bopping naked past the window. He shouts her name out, to no avail. The MUSIC drowns out his voice and they ignore his calls for help. The blood rushes to his head. He lets himself hang there for a moment. He wonders how many other people have found themselves in situations like this before him. Probably everyone. Right next to his face, Ted recognizes a bloody hand print. It's not his blood.

EXT. BATHROOM WINDOW AND ABOVE – NIGHT

Ted hears a sound from above and twists himself around, spotting a young man (previously seen as the Yuppie Scumbag on the phone) leaning out of the window directly above him. After a quick moment of sizing him up, Ted gathers himself.

TED

Hi...

No answer. Something's wrong with the guy, all the blood is drained from his face and he is mumbling something.

TED

Listen, I'm stuck here in a situation that I can't even begin to explain, but would you be so kind as to get help? Could you call the police, please?

Silence.

TED

(continuing)

You okay?

The young man manages to belt out the word "ice" just before hurling a mouthful of vomit toward Ted. It takes all Ted's strength to dodge the puke and pull himself back into the bathroom. He falls back on the floor.

He props himself up and checks for damage. He notices something odd... the room is silent. No Sigfried. He walks into the bedroom.

CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL BEDROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Ted looks around the still room. No one's there.

TED

Sigfried?

He heads toward the door and, from out of the corner of his eye, he spots Sigfried's hairy leg. Sigfried has passed out on the floor. Angela's chair has been knocked on its side. Ted races over to help lift her back up. He pulls the gag from her mouth. Angela jumps all over him.

ANGELA

Where's the fucking nitro?

TED

I couldn't find it!

ANGELA

You took long enough. Untie me, for Christ's sake, you fucking upset him and he's dying.

Ted struggles to untie Angela.

TED

I thought you wanted to kill him.

ANGELA

You'd make a great cop, Theodore.

The knots are all over the place and a real bitch to untie.

TED

I can't handle this alone, I'd better get help.

Ted turns on a dime and runs smack into Sigfried, who's been taking in the whole conversation.

SIGFRIED

I tie a pretty good knot, don't I, Ted?

TED

Thank God you're okay...

SIGFRIED

Never felt better.

Angela hears Sigfried's voice from behind her back.

ANGELA

You bastard!

SIGFRIED

(to Angela)

Come on, honey, don't get mad. It was just a little test, and I'm glad I did it because now I'll know forever that you really do love me. Truly and deeply.

ANGELA

If the simple fact that I didn't want your bloated, dead body lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder we find ourselves as we are at this very fucking moment.

SIGFRIED

Oh, no. I heard you and there was genuine care in that voice. Can't be denied. Can it, Ted?

TED

I think you're right and, if you just keep this kind of open dialogue going, you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding.

Ted edges his way toward the door.

TED

(continuing)

You'd be surprised what happens when people just listen to each other without succumbing to all that pain and anger.

ANGELA

You heard shit, monkey boy. Easy for you to say after you fuck another man's wife. You should at least have the guts to stand by your convictions.

Sigfried turns an icy eye on Ted, who has given up all hope of ever getting out of the room.

TED

That's a lie, Sigfried. I swear to God.

Angela continues her tirade.

ANGELA

When I think of all the times you were inside me promising me a better life, it makes me want to puke.

Sigfried slowly raises his gun, pointing it directly at Ted's chest.

TED

Why are you doing this? What have I ever done to you people?

ANGELA

What didn't you do, stick man? Unfortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock.

The words hit Sigfried like bullets to the chest... his legs weaken.

SIGFRIED

(whimpering)

He's got a huge cock?

TED

She's lying again, mister. It's not that big.

SIGFRIED

Show it to me.

TED

Come on, man, she's lying. Can't you see she's fucking with you?

ANGELA

Put it this way, God made up for what he did to Gumby with Ted here.

SIGFRIED

Show it to me.

ANGELA

Show him your cock, Theodore.

Sigfried runs over to Angela and kneels in front of her.

SIGFRIED

Stop talking about his cock, will you?!

ANGELA

It's hard to stop talking about something so huge. I could go on and on about his cock, bone, nob, bishop, wang, thang, hotrod. Hump mobile, Oscar, dong, dagger, banana, cucumber, salami. Sausage, kielbasa, schlong, dink, tool, Big Ben, Mister Happy, prick, disk, pecker, peter, pee-pee, wee-wee, weiner, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn, middle- leg, third-leg, meat, stick, joystick, dipstick.

Angela is on a roll. She fires the words at Sigfried, hitting him pointblank. He staggers. He pleads with her to stop, covering his ears. Ted watches the man crumble.

ANGELA

(continuing)

Junior, the little head, little guy, Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie Roll. Snake, one-eyed monster, one-eyed wonder, shaft, sword, meat whistle, skin flute, love muscle, Roto-Rooter, instrument, banger, rammer, ramrod, cherrypicker, log, pole.

Sigfried tries jamming the sock back in her mouth to stop the flow; she manages to give him a "fuck of a bite" in the process. Meanwhile, Ted figures this to be his moment to make a move and bolts for the door, only to be tackled by Sigfried at the one-yard line. After a struggle, the two men rest on the floor, catching their breath in a relaxed embrace.

SIGFRIED

Please, don't leave me. I'll call you Ted from now on.

TED

It's not me, mister, I swear.

SIGFRIED

Personally, I don't give a fuck, Ted, it's just I don't want to be alone right now. I'm feeling a little vulnerable.

Sigfried heaves the gun over his shoulder, grabs a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel's, and passes it to Ted, who takes a hit.

SIGFRIED

(continuing)

No guns, okay? Just you and me, Ted. You know my father used to say that forgiveness is the only thing that evil can't sink its teeth into.

TED

That's beautiful.

SIGFRIED

Kind of nice down here on the floor, isn't it, Ted?

TED

Yes, actually.

SIGFRIED

Things take on a whole new perspective... You'd like my trust, wouldn't you, Ted?

TED

Yes I would.

SIGFRIED

I just got one thing to ask you and I'll let you go.

TED

Okay. Okay.

SIGFRIED

Tell me straight now.

TED

What?

SIGFRIED

What was it like?

TED

What was what like?

SIGFRIED

You know, you and her.

TED

Oh, for fuck sake, Sigfried, what do you want me to say?

SIGFRIED

Either way you're fucked, right? You ever gonna see her again, Theodore?

TED

If I ever saw her again, I'd run the other way.

SIGFRIED

Promise?

TED

I promise.

Sigfried releases Ted and stands up.

SIGFRIED

You're lying, but I can respect that, Ted. If you told me, it would no longer be a secret, and secrets have a power, kid. You open that box and they disappear forever. A bad secret will rip you apart, but the good one are all you got. In the end, when all the people you knew are dead and gone, all you'll have left are you secrets. And when you die, the box is open and it all blows away – dust to dust – all the anger, jealousy, desire and love just blow away.

Sigfried throws his hand out to help Ted up.

SIGFRIED

(continuing)

So you know what I say, let's call it a truce, kiddo.

Sigfried takes Ted by the hand and leads him to an open window. Ted is overcome by the sweetness in Sigfried's voice and follows him to the window willingly. The two men look out into the dark Los Angeles night.

SIGFRIED

(continuing)

I'm a man of love, Theodore. Love is all I live for.

TED

I can see that.