Friends六人行 第五季英文剧本(71-80页)
时间:2007-11-04 14:22:05来源: 作者:
nose in her compact mirror.)
Ross: So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird around here now? Y'know since I've been away at college.
Big Nosed Rachel: Oh! No, not really.
Ross: Well, that's cool. So did… (She walks away from him and he shuts up.)
(Rachel wanders into the kitchen where Monica is making Chandler's dinner.)
Big Nosed Rachel: Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson. I am never going out with him again. I don't care how much he begs!
Fat Monica: I think his begging days are over now that he's going out with Nancy Branson.
Big Nosed Rachel: Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are just silly. (Ross is overhearing this.) Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men!
Ross: Umm, I'm sorry Judy, I couldn't find that bowl that you and Jack were looking for.
Fat Monica: Call them mom and dad you loser!
Ross: (in a high pitched voice) Monica!
[Time lapse, dinner has finished and Chandler is sitting on the couch eating some pie. Monica sits down beside him, and he gets pushed up a little by the wave she makes in the couch.]
Fat Monica: Hey Chandler! Did you like the macaroni and cheese?
Chandler: Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef.
Fat Monica: Okay!
(He gets up and walks away as Rachel come running over all excited.)
Big Nosed Rachel: Guess what?! All that stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over to my house tonight!
Fat Monica: Oh that's so great!
Big Nosed Rachel: I know!
Fat Monica: Oh gosh, listen if you and Chip do it tonight, promise me you'll tell me everything.
Big Nosed Rachel: Oh totally, totally. Y'know it's not that big of deal, we already kinda did it once y'know.
Fat Monica: I know, but y'know, this time you're gonna definitely know whether or not you did it!
Big Nosed Rachel: I know, I know. And oh, and this time Chip promised that-that this time it will last at least for an entire song!
[Cut to the kitchen, Ross and Chandler are doing the dishes.]
Ross: So I’m thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. Y'know maybe play her that song we wrote last week.
Chandler: Emotional Knapsack?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don’t take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez.
Ross: Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I’m gonna be out with her all night.
Chandler: Dude, don't do that too me!
(Monica enters behind them.)
Ross: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind.
(Monica suddenly gets very happy.)
Chandler: No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister.
Ross: Hey!
(Upon hearing this, Monica starts to break down and storms out. Only to be stopped by her parents.)
Mrs. Geller: (holding two pies) Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room left in the fridge.
Fat Monica: No. No, thank you!
Mr. Geller: Well Judy, you did it! She's finally full!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, back to the present day.]
Chandler: I called you fat?! I don't even remember that!
Monica: Well, I do.
Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud!
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you called her fat.
Ross: I can't believe you let George Michael slap you.
Chandler: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry.
Rachel: Actually, y'know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about.
Monica: Yes, it was!
Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually the…
Monica: (interrupting her) Okay, now Thanksgiving's over, let's get ready for Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas tree?!
Phoebe: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story!
Chandler: We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story!
Phoebe: Fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but y'know whatever.
Thanksgiving 1988
[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Mrs. Geller is cooking and Rachel, post nose job, is helping her.]
Mrs. Geller: So Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the Psychology building.
Mr. Geller: (entering) Hi Rachel.
Rachel: Oh hi!
Mr. Geller: Wow, love your new nose!
Mrs. Geller: Jack.
Mr. Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He removed my mole cluster. Wanna see? (He starts to show her as the doorbell rings.)
Mrs. Geller: I'll get it.
Rachel: No, God! Please, let me! (Runs out.)
(She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross. Unfortunately, they seem to have their holidays mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're going as Crockett and Tubbs from that legendary TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we looked silly back then!)
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey. (To his parents) Happy Thanksgiving!
Mr. Geller: (To Chandler) God, your hair sure is different!
Chandler: Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look. (They both quickly push their sleeves over their elbows.)
Ross: So uh, where's Monica?
Mrs. Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel, and the boy who hates Thanksgiving.
(Monica enters, but she forgot something. Oh, about 150 pounds. In other words, she lost weight, big time!)
Monica: Hi, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress? (She turns around making sure he gets a good look.)
Chandler: You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body!
Ross: Dude!
Chandler: Sorry!
Mrs. Geller: Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really want to hear about is Ross's new girlfriend.
Ross: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And smart. And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams!
Monica: So Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner.
(She heads for the kitchen and Chandler watches her leave and admires the view.)
Mr. Geller: Dude!
Chandler: Sorry.
(In the kitchen.)
Rachel: (entering) Oh-ho, my God! That was so awesome! You totally got him back for calling you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That must've felt so great!
Monica: Well it didn't!
Rachel: What?!
Monica: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. Yeah, I feel great and yeah, my heart is not in trouble anymore! Blah, blah, blah! Y'know I still don't feel like I got him back, y'know? I just want to humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like naked and then I'm going to point at him and laugh!
Rachel: Okay, that we may be able to do.
Monica: How?
Rachel: Well guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex.
Monica: What?! I mean, I didn't work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give my flower to someone like him!
Rachel: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one's gonna ever take it. Then, second of all you're not actually gonna have sex with him! You're just gonna make him think that you are.
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the door and all the neighbors will just humiliate him!
Rachel: Then, you will definitely get him back!
Monica: Okay, so how do I make him think I wanna have sex with him?
Rachel: Okay, oh, here's what you do. Just act like everything around you turns you on.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well, like anything can be sexy. Like umm, oh-oh, like this dishtowel! (She grabs it and starts rubbing it on her cheek.) Ooh, ooh, this feels sooo good against my cheek! And-and if I feel a little hot, I can just dab myself with it. Or I can bring it down to my side and bring it through my fingers while I talk to him.
Monica: (excited) I can do that!
Rachel: Yeah? Okay! Good, good, because he's coming. He's coming. (To Chandler) Hey, what's up? (She leaves and closes the door behind her.)
Chandler: Monica, I was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year.
Monica: Umm, I'd love too! (She goes over and picks up the box and decides to follow Rachel's advice and holds the box up to her cheek.) Ooh, I love macaroni and cheese. I love-I love the way this box feels against my cheek.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a bunch of them and holds them between her fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to you. (She is rubbing her hip with the carrots.) Umm, and-and-and y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife (She picks up a knife without putting the box down. She's holding the box between her cheek and shoulder) and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal against umm, (Pause) my body. (She doesn't have any exposed skin within reach of the knife, so while holding the carrots in one hand and the box between her face and shoulder, she rubs the knife on her stomach.)
Chandler: Are you all right?
Monica: Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just that—(She drops the box and in a reflex action tries to catch it with her arm, the knife slips out and slowly flips through the air and comes point first down into Chandler's shoe.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler has been rushed to the emergency room.]
The Doctor: What do we got here?
The Paramedic: Twenty year old has got a severed toe on his right foot.
(They go through the doors into the trauma room, opening them by ramming the gurney through them, only Chandler's foot is hanging off the end and he screams in pain.)
Ross: Can you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is! Severed toe, you just said it!
The Doctor: It says here that the knife went right through your shoe.
Mr. Geller: Of course it did. They're made of wicker.
The Doctor: Did you bring the toe?
Monica: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice! (She takes a bag of ice out of her purse and hands it to the doctor.)
The Doctor: (opening it) Don't worry son, we'll just attach it and—(Stops suddenly.)
Monica: What?! What is it?
The Doctor: You brought a carrot.
Chandler: What?
The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot.
Rachel: You brought a carrot?!
Mrs. Geller: Oh my God! There's a toe in my kitchen.
Monica: God, I'm sorry! I'll go back and get it!
The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is sow up the wound.
Chandler: Without my toe?! I need my toe!
Monica: Wait, no-no-no, I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche!
Mr. Geller: Oh, I'm not falling for that one!
Present Day
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is reacting to the story.]
Chandler: That's why I lost my toe?! Because I called you fat?!
Monica: I didn't mean to cut it off. It was an accident.
Chandler: That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?!
Monica: I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe!
Chandler: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. (He storms out.)
Monica: Chandler! (Follows him out.)
Ross: (To Joey) Sir Limps-A-Lot, I came up with that.
Joey: You're a dork.
[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is standing in front of his door.]
Chandler: I can't believe this.
Monica: Chandler, I said I was sorry.
Chandler: Yeah, well, sorry doesn’t bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see you later.
Monica: Oh wait, Chandler, come here is there anything I can do? Anything?
Chandler: Yeah, just leave me alone for a while. (He goes into his apartment.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is sitting on one of the chairs and the duck is running around him and quacking.]
Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" I’m happy all the time!
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler gets up to answer it. He opens the door to reveal Monica with a turkey over her head.)
Chandler: Nice try.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)
Chandler: Look, Monica…
Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)
Chandler: This is not going to work.
Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)
Chandler: You are so great! I love you!
(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)
Monica: What?
Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!
Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this!
Chandler: No I didn't!
Monica: Yes, you did!
Chandler: No I didn't!
Monica: You love me!
Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)
Ending Credits
Thanksgiving 1915
[Scene: The Western front during World War I, Phoebe, in yet another past life, is once again a nurse tending to yet another dying soldier. But this time she's doing it with a French accent.]
French Phoebe: Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some gauze in here! (A shell explodes outside next to the tent and when the smoke clears, Phoebe still has her arm.) Whew! (Her arm falls off and starts pumping out blood.) This is getting ridiculous uh!
End
________________________________________
509 The One With Ross's Sandwich
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the entire gang is there, eating breakfast. Phoebe is on the couch, fidgeting.]
Phoebe: What am I sitting on?
Chandler: Top of the world? Dock of the bay? (He tries to think of another but can't) I'm out.
Phoebe: (taking something out of the couch) Ew-eww!! Undies!
(She throws them into the kitchen and Rachel picks them up with the handle of a large spoon. Chandler and Monica have horrified looks on their faces.)
Rachel: All right! Who's are they? Who's are they?
Ross: Well, they're not mine!
Chandler: Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's!
(Rachel turns and stares at him.)
Joey: Yeah, they're mine.
Chandler: See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's!
Ross: Why are they here?
Joey: I don't know uhh… (Pause as he thinks about it.) Well, I'm Joey. Yeah, I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes.
Rachel: Well, get 'em out of here! What's wrong with you?
Chandler: Yeah!
Monica: Yeah!
Rachel: (waving them in his face) Take 'em! (Joey makes a noise and jumps out of the way.) Joey, you can touch them! They're your underwear.
Joey: (reluctantly taking them) Chandler? A word.
(Follows Joey into their apartment and shrugs on his way out.)
[Cut to the guy's apartment.]
Joey: That's it! I'm tired of covering for you two! This has got to stop! (Realizes he still has the underwear in his hand.) Ahh! (Throws them towards Chandler's room.) And tighty-whiteys! What are you, 8?
Monica: (entering) Thank you Joey, thank you so much!
Joey: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay, look, I hate this! You guys keep embarrassing me! (To Monica) Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom and I didn't know what to say, so I said it was mine and-and that I was playing a woman in a play. And one thing led to another and (He puts his leg on the chair and pulls up his pants leg to reveal that he now has shaved legs.)
Monica: (inspecting his leg) Wow! And around the ankles, y'know that is a tough spot.
Joey: Yeah, it was! All right, listen, I can't…
Chandler: (interrupting him) All this lying has been hard on us too.
Joey: Oh-oh, yeah-yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier!
Chandler: Well, yeah actually.
Monica: We'll try to be more careful okay? It's just that, we don't want everyone to know because this is going really well, and maybe the reason it's going really well is because it's a secret.
Chandler: I know it sounds really weird, but we're just so bad at relationships.
Monica: We are! Help us!
Chandler: Help!
Joey: All right! But, (To Monica) you do it with me once.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Didn't think so.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters with her nose stuck in a book.]
Monica: Hey, Phoebe!
Chandler: Hi, Pheebs!
Rachel: Hey, Pheebs!
Joey: Hey, Pheebs!
Rachel: What are you reading?
Phoebe: Umm, Wethering Heights. I'm taking a literature class at the New School and I have to finish it for the first session tomorrow.
Chandler: I didn't know you were taking a class. That is so cool.
Phoebe: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! Y'know and this time I thought I'd go for something, y'know a little more intellectual, with a less painful final exam.
Rachel: Honey that sounds like fun.
Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, you should come with me! Oh yeah, then I'd have someone to sit with!
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Yeah! Okay—ooh, but are you going to have time to read it?
Rachel: Oh, I read that in high school.
Phoebe: This is going to be so much fun! Okay-shhh, I have to finish.
Ross: (entering, depressed) Hi.
Joey: What's wrong buddy?
Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!
Chandler: Well, what did the police say?
Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. I can't believe someone ate it!
Chandler: Ross, it's just a sandwich!
Ross: Just a sandwich? Look, I am 30 years old, I'm about to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life!
Monica: Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for one more sandwich, I mean I was going to eat it myself, but (motions that he can have it.)
Ross: (quietly) That-that would be incredible. Thank you so much. I-I still can't believe someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left a note and everything.
(Shows the note to Chandler who reads it aloud.)
Chandler: (reading) Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay?
Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch.
Phoebe: Okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? You gotta scare people off. I learned that living on the street.
Ross: Really?! So what would you say Pheebs? Stuff like uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?"
Chandler: Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?
Phoebe: Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff. (Writes him a note and the gang reads it.)
All: Whoa! Ohh!!
Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad ass!
Phoebe: Someday I'll, tell you about the time I stabbed the cop.
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Well, he stabbed me first!!
[Scene: Phoebe's class, the class has already started and Rachel walks in late.]
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Sorry I'm late, but I left late.
Phoebe: Okay.
Rachel: So Pheebs, what is the book about?
Phoebe: I thought you said you read it in high school.
Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anyway—umm, what is this book about?
Phoebe: Okay, umm, it's this tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff and umm, it takes place on like these really creepy mores in England. Which I think represents the wildness of Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism.
The Teacher: How would you characterize the theme of this book, uh let's see here (looks at his attendance sheet), Rachel Green?
Rachel: Umm, well I would have to say that it's a, it's tragic love story.
The Teacher: Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else?
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the uh, wildness of the mores, which I think is-is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character.
The Teacher: Excellent! What Rachel has shrewdly observed here…
Phoebe: (To Rachel) You completely stole my answer!
Rachel: Well, honey that was pretty obvious.
Phoebe: Well how would you know?! You didn't even read it!
The Teacher: What do you think? You in the blue shirt.
Phoebe: I think that uh, yours is a question with many answers.
The Teacher: Would ya care to venture one?
Phoebe: Would you care to venture one?
The Teacher: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?
Phoebe: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?
The Teacher: All right, let's move on.
Phoebe: Okay then.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel return from the class.]
Phoebe: Yeah but why didn't you just say that you didn't read the book?!
Rachel: Be-because I didn't want him to think I was stupid! I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you!
Ross: (entering) Phoebe!
Phoebe: Yeah?
Ross: Phoebe! You're note, amazing! Not only did no one touch my sandwich, but people at work are actually afraid of me. Yeah, a guy called me mental! Mental Geller, yeah, I always wanted a cool nickname like that.
Monica: Yeah, the best you got in high school was Wet Pants Geller.
Ross: That was the water fountain! Okay?! Anyway, people are writing reports for me, uh pushing back deadlines to meet my schedule, I'm telling you, you get tough with people you can get anything you want. (Joey walks by with a cup of coffee.) Hey Tribbiani, give me that coffee! Now!
(Joey casually pushes Ross over the back of the couch and sits down proud of himself.)
[Scene: The hallway, Joey is returning from a date with Cynthia.]
Cynthia: God, this was really fun! I've been wondering if you were going to ask me out.
Joey: So you uh, still wondering?
Cynthia: No, we just went out.
Joey: You're smart. I like that.
(He goes to open the door to his apartment, but finds it locked. As he's getting out his keys, Chandler and Monica quickly jump up from making out in the living room and run to Chandler's bedroom. The apartment has about 20 candles burning all over the place. Joey opens the door and ushers Cynthia in.)
Cynthia: Oh, candles! (Notices something.) What is that? A blanket? A video camera? Oh my God! (As she storms out, Rachel returns and overhears the conversation.)
Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!!
Cynthia: I can't believe you thought that you were going to video tape us having sex on the first date! (She storms away and Rachel enters to confront Joey.)
Joey: Hiya.
Rachel: Joey, is what she just said umm—Oh my God. (Looks around the room.) You were actually gonna… (Chandler picks this moment to return to the living room.) (Rachel stares in shock.)
Chandler: What is going on here?
Rachel: And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick?
(Chandler silently pleads with Joey to cover for them.)
Joey: I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. (Points at Chandler, angrily.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; continued from earlier. Joey is closing the door after Rachel leaves and is about to confront Chandler and Monica.]
Joey: You guys promised you'd be more careful! I mean, come on! The good Joey name is
Ross: So uh, Rach? Does it, does it feel weird around here now? Y'know since I've been away at college.
Big Nosed Rachel: Oh! No, not really.
Ross: Well, that's cool. So did… (She walks away from him and he shuts up.)
(Rachel wanders into the kitchen where Monica is making Chandler's dinner.)
Big Nosed Rachel: Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut Nancy Branson. I am never going out with him again. I don't care how much he begs!
Fat Monica: I think his begging days are over now that he's going out with Nancy Branson.
Big Nosed Rachel: Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are just silly. (Ross is overhearing this.) Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men!
Ross: Umm, I'm sorry Judy, I couldn't find that bowl that you and Jack were looking for.
Fat Monica: Call them mom and dad you loser!
Ross: (in a high pitched voice) Monica!
[Time lapse, dinner has finished and Chandler is sitting on the couch eating some pie. Monica sits down beside him, and he gets pushed up a little by the wave she makes in the couch.]
Fat Monica: Hey Chandler! Did you like the macaroni and cheese?
Chandler: Oh yeah, it was great. You should be a chef.
Fat Monica: Okay!
(He gets up and walks away as Rachel come running over all excited.)
Big Nosed Rachel: Guess what?! All that stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor so Chip dumped her and he wants to come over to my house tonight!
Fat Monica: Oh that's so great!
Big Nosed Rachel: I know!
Fat Monica: Oh gosh, listen if you and Chip do it tonight, promise me you'll tell me everything.
Big Nosed Rachel: Oh totally, totally. Y'know it's not that big of deal, we already kinda did it once y'know.
Fat Monica: I know, but y'know, this time you're gonna definitely know whether or not you did it!
Big Nosed Rachel: I know, I know. And oh, and this time Chip promised that-that this time it will last at least for an entire song!
[Cut to the kitchen, Ross and Chandler are doing the dishes.]
Ross: So I’m thinking about asking Rachel out tonight. Y'know maybe play her that song we wrote last week.
Chandler: Emotional Knapsack?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Right on! Oh! Uh, but, don’t take to long okay? 'Cause uh, we're gonna test out our fake ID's tonight, right Clifford Alverez.
Ross: Listen, Roland Chang, if things go well, I’m gonna be out with her all night.
Chandler: Dude, don't do that too me!
(Monica enters behind them.)
Ross: All right, it's cool you can stay here. My parents won't mind.
(Monica suddenly gets very happy.)
Chandler: No, it's not that, I just don't want to be stuck here all night with your fat sister.
Ross: Hey!
(Upon hearing this, Monica starts to break down and storms out. Only to be stopped by her parents.)
Mrs. Geller: (holding two pies) Monica, why don't you finish off these pies? I don't have any more room left in the fridge.
Fat Monica: No. No, thank you!
Mr. Geller: Well Judy, you did it! She's finally full!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, back to the present day.]
Chandler: I called you fat?! I don't even remember that!
Monica: Well, I do.
Chandler: I am so sorry. I really am. I was an idiot back then. I rushed the stage at a Wham concert for crying out loud!
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you called her fat.
Ross: I can't believe you let George Michael slap you.
Chandler: I am really sorry. That is so terrible. I am so, so sorry.
Rachel: Actually, y'know that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about.
Monica: Yes, it was!
Rachel: No, it wasn't. It was actually the…
Monica: (interrupting her) Okay, now Thanksgiving's over, let's get ready for Christmas. Who wants to go get a Christmas tree?!
Phoebe: Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story!
Chandler: We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story!
Phoebe: Fine, all right, mine had a dwarf that got broke in half, but y'know whatever.
Thanksgiving 1988
[Scene: The Geller household kitchen, Mrs. Geller is cooking and Rachel, post nose job, is helping her.]
Mrs. Geller: So Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again.
Rachel: Oh, yeah, I had too. There was never any parking by the Psychology building.
Mr. Geller: (entering) Hi Rachel.
Rachel: Oh hi!
Mr. Geller: Wow, love your new nose!
Mrs. Geller: Jack.
Mr. Geller: What? Dr. Wilson's an artist! He removed my mole cluster. Wanna see? (He starts to show her as the doorbell rings.)
Mrs. Geller: I'll get it.
Rachel: No, God! Please, let me! (Runs out.)
(She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross. Unfortunately, they seem to have their holidays mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're going as Crockett and Tubbs from that legendary TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we looked silly back then!)
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey. (To his parents) Happy Thanksgiving!
Mr. Geller: (To Chandler) God, your hair sure is different!
Chandler: Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look. (They both quickly push their sleeves over their elbows.)
Ross: So uh, where's Monica?
Mrs. Geller: She's upstairs. Monica! Come down! Everyone's here! Ross, Rachel, and the boy who hates Thanksgiving.
(Monica enters, but she forgot something. Oh, about 150 pounds. In other words, she lost weight, big time!)
Monica: Hi, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Monica: What-what's the matter? Is there, is there something on my dress? (She turns around making sure he gets a good look.)
Chandler: You just, you look so different! Terrific! That dress! That body!
Ross: Dude!
Chandler: Sorry!
Mrs. Geller: Yes, yes Monica is thin. It's wonderful. But what we really want to hear about is Ross's new girlfriend.
Ross: Oh mom! Okay, umm, her name is Carol. And she's really pretty. And smart. And uh, she's-she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team. Can you believe it? She plays for both teams!
Monica: So Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner.
(She heads for the kitchen and Chandler watches her leave and admires the view.)
Mr. Geller: Dude!
Chandler: Sorry.
(In the kitchen.)
Rachel: (entering) Oh-ho, my God! That was so awesome! You totally got him back for calling you fat! He was just drooling all over you. That must've felt so great!
Monica: Well it didn't!
Rachel: What?!
Monica: Yeah, I mean yeah, I look great. Yeah, I feel great and yeah, my heart is not in trouble anymore! Blah, blah, blah! Y'know I still don't feel like I got him back, y'know? I just want to humiliate him. I wanna, I want him to be like naked and then I'm going to point at him and laugh!
Rachel: Okay, that we may be able to do.
Monica: How?
Rachel: Well guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex.
Monica: What?! I mean, I didn't work this hard and-and-and lose all this weight so that I can give my flower to someone like him!
Rachel: Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one's gonna ever take it. Then, second of all you're not actually gonna have sex with him! You're just gonna make him think that you are.
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: And when he's naked I can throw him out in the front yard and lock the door and all the neighbors will just humiliate him!
Rachel: Then, you will definitely get him back!
Monica: Okay, so how do I make him think I wanna have sex with him?
Rachel: Okay, oh, here's what you do. Just act like everything around you turns you on.
Monica: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well, like anything can be sexy. Like umm, oh-oh, like this dishtowel! (She grabs it and starts rubbing it on her cheek.) Ooh, ooh, this feels sooo good against my cheek! And-and if I feel a little hot, I can just dab myself with it. Or I can bring it down to my side and bring it through my fingers while I talk to him.
Monica: (excited) I can do that!
Rachel: Yeah? Okay! Good, good, because he's coming. He's coming. (To Chandler) Hey, what's up? (She leaves and closes the door behind her.)
Chandler: Monica, I was wondering if you can make me some of that righteous mac and cheese like last year.
Monica: Umm, I'd love too! (She goes over and picks up the box and decides to follow Rachel's advice and holds the box up to her cheek.) Ooh, I love macaroni and cheese. I love-I love the way this box feels against my cheek.
Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a bunch of them and holds them between her fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to you. (She is rubbing her hip with the carrots.) Umm, and-and-and y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife (She picks up a knife without putting the box down. She's holding the box between her cheek and shoulder) and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal against umm, (Pause) my body. (She doesn't have any exposed skin within reach of the knife, so while holding the carrots in one hand and the box between her face and shoulder, she rubs the knife on her stomach.)
Chandler: Are you all right?
Monica: Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just that—(She drops the box and in a reflex action tries to catch it with her arm, the knife slips out and slowly flips through the air and comes point first down into Chandler's shoe.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler has been rushed to the emergency room.]
The Doctor: What do we got here?
The Paramedic: Twenty year old has got a severed toe on his right foot.
(They go through the doors into the trauma room, opening them by ramming the gurney through them, only Chandler's foot is hanging off the end and he screams in pain.)
Ross: Can you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is! Severed toe, you just said it!
The Doctor: It says here that the knife went right through your shoe.
Mr. Geller: Of course it did. They're made of wicker.
The Doctor: Did you bring the toe?
Monica: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice! (She takes a bag of ice out of her purse and hands it to the doctor.)
The Doctor: (opening it) Don't worry son, we'll just attach it and—(Stops suddenly.)
Monica: What?! What is it?
The Doctor: You brought a carrot.
Chandler: What?
The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot.
Rachel: You brought a carrot?!
Mrs. Geller: Oh my God! There's a toe in my kitchen.
Monica: God, I'm sorry! I'll go back and get it!
The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is sow up the wound.
Chandler: Without my toe?! I need my toe!
Monica: Wait, no-no-no, I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche!
Mr. Geller: Oh, I'm not falling for that one!
Present Day
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is reacting to the story.]
Chandler: That's why I lost my toe?! Because I called you fat?!
Monica: I didn't mean to cut it off. It was an accident.
Chandler: That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-A-Lot?!
Monica: I'm sorry! It wasn't your whole toe!
Chandler: Yeah, well, I miss the tip! It's the best part. It has the nail. (He storms out.)
Monica: Chandler! (Follows him out.)
Ross: (To Joey) Sir Limps-A-Lot, I came up with that.
Joey: You're a dork.
[Cut to the hallway, Chandler is standing in front of his door.]
Chandler: I can't believe this.
Monica: Chandler, I said I was sorry.
Chandler: Yeah, well, sorry doesn’t bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home! I hate this stupid day! And everything about it! I'll see you later.
Monica: Oh wait, Chandler, come here is there anything I can do? Anything?
Chandler: Yeah, just leave me alone for a while. (He goes into his apartment.)
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Chandler is sitting on one of the chairs and the duck is running around him and quacking.]
Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" I’m happy all the time!
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler gets up to answer it. He opens the door to reveal Monica with a turkey over her head.)
Chandler: Nice try.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)
Chandler: Look, Monica…
Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)
Chandler: This is not going to work.
Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)
Chandler: You are so great! I love you!
(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)
Monica: What?
Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!
Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this!
Chandler: No I didn't!
Monica: Yes, you did!
Chandler: No I didn't!
Monica: You love me!
Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)
Ending Credits
Thanksgiving 1915
[Scene: The Western front during World War I, Phoebe, in yet another past life, is once again a nurse tending to yet another dying soldier. But this time she's doing it with a French accent.]
French Phoebe: Gauze! Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here! Can I please get some gauze in here! (A shell explodes outside next to the tent and when the smoke clears, Phoebe still has her arm.) Whew! (Her arm falls off and starts pumping out blood.) This is getting ridiculous uh!
End
________________________________________
509 The One With Ross's Sandwich
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the entire gang is there, eating breakfast. Phoebe is on the couch, fidgeting.]
Phoebe: What am I sitting on?
Chandler: Top of the world? Dock of the bay? (He tries to think of another but can't) I'm out.
Phoebe: (taking something out of the couch) Ew-eww!! Undies!
(She throws them into the kitchen and Rachel picks them up with the handle of a large spoon. Chandler and Monica have horrified looks on their faces.)
Rachel: All right! Who's are they? Who's are they?
Ross: Well, they're not mine!
Chandler: Well, they're Joey's! They gotta be Joey's!
(Rachel turns and stares at him.)
Joey: Yeah, they're mine.
Chandler: See? They're Joey's! J-J-J-J-J-Joey's!
Ross: Why are they here?
Joey: I don't know uhh… (Pause as he thinks about it.) Well, I'm Joey. Yeah, I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes.
Rachel: Well, get 'em out of here! What's wrong with you?
Chandler: Yeah!
Monica: Yeah!
Rachel: (waving them in his face) Take 'em! (Joey makes a noise and jumps out of the way.) Joey, you can touch them! They're your underwear.
Joey: (reluctantly taking them) Chandler? A word.
(Follows Joey into their apartment and shrugs on his way out.)
[Cut to the guy's apartment.]
Joey: That's it! I'm tired of covering for you two! This has got to stop! (Realizes he still has the underwear in his hand.) Ahh! (Throws them towards Chandler's room.) And tighty-whiteys! What are you, 8?
Monica: (entering) Thank you Joey, thank you so much!
Joey: Oh hey, no, you're not welcome. Okay, look, I hate this! You guys keep embarrassing me! (To Monica) Yesterday, Rachel found your razor in our bathroom and I didn't know what to say, so I said it was mine and-and that I was playing a woman in a play. And one thing led to another and (He puts his leg on the chair and pulls up his pants leg to reveal that he now has shaved legs.)
Monica: (inspecting his leg) Wow! And around the ankles, y'know that is a tough spot.
Joey: Yeah, it was! All right, listen, I can't…
Chandler: (interrupting him) All this lying has been hard on us too.
Joey: Oh-oh, yeah-yeah, I bet all the sex makes it easier!
Chandler: Well, yeah actually.
Monica: We'll try to be more careful okay? It's just that, we don't want everyone to know because this is going really well, and maybe the reason it's going really well is because it's a secret.
Chandler: I know it sounds really weird, but we're just so bad at relationships.
Monica: We are! Help us!
Chandler: Help!
Joey: All right! But, (To Monica) you do it with me once.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: Didn't think so.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters with her nose stuck in a book.]
Monica: Hey, Phoebe!
Chandler: Hi, Pheebs!
Rachel: Hey, Pheebs!
Joey: Hey, Pheebs!
Rachel: What are you reading?
Phoebe: Umm, Wethering Heights. I'm taking a literature class at the New School and I have to finish it for the first session tomorrow.
Chandler: I didn't know you were taking a class. That is so cool.
Phoebe: Yeah! Well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! Y'know and this time I thought I'd go for something, y'know a little more intellectual, with a less painful final exam.
Rachel: Honey that sounds like fun.
Phoebe: Yeah! Ooh, you should come with me! Oh yeah, then I'd have someone to sit with!
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: Yeah! Okay—ooh, but are you going to have time to read it?
Rachel: Oh, I read that in high school.
Phoebe: This is going to be so much fun! Okay-shhh, I have to finish.
Ross: (entering, depressed) Hi.
Joey: What's wrong buddy?
Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!
Chandler: Well, what did the police say?
Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. I can't believe someone ate it!
Chandler: Ross, it's just a sandwich!
Ross: Just a sandwich? Look, I am 30 years old, I'm about to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life!
Monica: Okay, look, I-I have enough stuff for one more sandwich, I mean I was going to eat it myself, but (motions that he can have it.)
Ross: (quietly) That-that would be incredible. Thank you so much. I-I still can't believe someone ate it!! I mean, look, I left a note and everything.
(Shows the note to Chandler who reads it aloud.)
Chandler: (reading) Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me. Okay?
Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch.
Phoebe: Okay, look you wanna hold onto your food? You gotta scare people off. I learned that living on the street.
Ross: Really?! So what would you say Pheebs? Stuff like uh, "Keep your mitts off my grub?"
Chandler: Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?
Phoebe: Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff. (Writes him a note and the gang reads it.)
All: Whoa! Ohh!!
Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad ass!
Phoebe: Someday I'll, tell you about the time I stabbed the cop.
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Well, he stabbed me first!!
[Scene: Phoebe's class, the class has already started and Rachel walks in late.]
Rachel: (To Phoebe) Sorry I'm late, but I left late.
Phoebe: Okay.
Rachel: So Pheebs, what is the book about?
Phoebe: I thought you said you read it in high school.
Rachel: Well yeah, but then I remembered I started it and there was this pep rally and I was, I was on top of the pyramid but anyway—umm, what is this book about?
Phoebe: Okay, umm, it's this tragic love story between Cathy and Heathcliff and umm, it takes place on like these really creepy mores in England. Which I think represents the wildness of Heathcliff's character. I totally get symbolism.
The Teacher: How would you characterize the theme of this book, uh let's see here (looks at his attendance sheet), Rachel Green?
Rachel: Umm, well I would have to say that it's a, it's tragic love story.
The Teacher: Well, that's sort of a given, but yes. Anyone else?
Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, symbolism! And uh, the-the uh, wildness of the mores, which I think is-is mirrored in the wildness of Heathcliff's character.
The Teacher: Excellent! What Rachel has shrewdly observed here…
Phoebe: (To Rachel) You completely stole my answer!
Rachel: Well, honey that was pretty obvious.
Phoebe: Well how would you know?! You didn't even read it!
The Teacher: What do you think? You in the blue shirt.
Phoebe: I think that uh, yours is a question with many answers.
The Teacher: Would ya care to venture one?
Phoebe: Would you care to venture one?
The Teacher: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?
Phoebe: Are you just repeating what I'm saying?
The Teacher: All right, let's move on.
Phoebe: Okay then.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel return from the class.]
Phoebe: Yeah but why didn't you just say that you didn't read the book?!
Rachel: Be-because I didn't want him to think I was stupid! I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you!
Ross: (entering) Phoebe!
Phoebe: Yeah?
Ross: Phoebe! You're note, amazing! Not only did no one touch my sandwich, but people at work are actually afraid of me. Yeah, a guy called me mental! Mental Geller, yeah, I always wanted a cool nickname like that.
Monica: Yeah, the best you got in high school was Wet Pants Geller.
Ross: That was the water fountain! Okay?! Anyway, people are writing reports for me, uh pushing back deadlines to meet my schedule, I'm telling you, you get tough with people you can get anything you want. (Joey walks by with a cup of coffee.) Hey Tribbiani, give me that coffee! Now!
(Joey casually pushes Ross over the back of the couch and sits down proud of himself.)
[Scene: The hallway, Joey is returning from a date with Cynthia.]
Cynthia: God, this was really fun! I've been wondering if you were going to ask me out.
Joey: So you uh, still wondering?
Cynthia: No, we just went out.
Joey: You're smart. I like that.
(He goes to open the door to his apartment, but finds it locked. As he's getting out his keys, Chandler and Monica quickly jump up from making out in the living room and run to Chandler's bedroom. The apartment has about 20 candles burning all over the place. Joey opens the door and ushers Cynthia in.)
Cynthia: Oh, candles! (Notices something.) What is that? A blanket? A video camera? Oh my God! (As she storms out, Rachel returns and overhears the conversation.)
Joey: Oh no-no-no-no, wait-wait-wait!!
Cynthia: I can't believe you thought that you were going to video tape us having sex on the first date! (She storms away and Rachel enters to confront Joey.)
Joey: Hiya.
Rachel: Joey, is what she just said umm—Oh my God. (Looks around the room.) You were actually gonna… (Chandler picks this moment to return to the living room.) (Rachel stares in shock.)
Chandler: What is going on here?
Rachel: And with Chandler in the next room. What are you, what are you sick?
(Chandler silently pleads with Joey to cover for them.)
Joey: I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. (Points at Chandler, angrily.)
Commercial Break
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's; continued from earlier. Joey is closing the door after Rachel leaves and is about to confront Chandler and Monica.]
Joey: You guys promised you'd be more careful! I mean, come on! The good Joey name is
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