HERCULES

Hades: Memo to me, memo to me, main you after my meeting

{scene change to a cavern with the Fates}

Atropos: Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life good and tight

[She cuts a thread with scissors and a woman scream is heard]

Lachesis: Incoming!

[Fates laugh as a soul enters the cave and flies into a tunnel. Counter above

the tunnel now says "Over 5000000001 served"]

Hades: Ladies! hah! I am so sorry that I'm--

Atropos: Late

Clotho: We knew you would be

Lachesis: We know everything

[they pass their only eye from one another as they speak the next three lines]

Clotho: Past

Lachesis: Present

Atropos: And future (to Panic): Indoor plumbing - it's gonna be big.

Hades: Great. Great. Anyway, see, Ladies, I was at this party, and I lost

track of--

Fates: We know!

Hades: Yeah. I know.. you know. So, here's the deal. Zeus, Mr High and Mighty,

Mr. "Hey, you, get off my cloud," now he has--

Fates: A bouncing baby brat.

Clotho: We know!

Hades: I know.. you know. I know. I got it. I got the concept, so let me just

ask: Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover big, or what?

What do you think?

Lachesis: Um--

Clotho silences her: Oh no, you don't. We are not supposed to reveal the

future.

Hades: Oh wait, I'm sorry. Time out. Can I? Can I ask you a question, by

the way? Are you, (to Lachesis), did you cut your hair of something?

You look fabulous.

Lachesis giggles

Hade: I mean, you look like a fate worse then death

Lachesis giggles more, Clotho hits her on the head, the eye fells out into the

hands of Panic

Panic: Oh, gross!

Pain: Yech! It's blinkin'!

[he kicks it into Hades' hand]

Hades: Ladies, please, my fate... (he puts the eye to Lachesis' hand) is in

your lovely hands

Lachesis: Oh, yeah

Clotho: All right.

[the eye raises in the air, showing pictures of the future]

Atropos:

In 18 years precisely

The planets will align

Ever so nicely

Hades: Ay, verse!. Oy.

Atropos:

The time to act will be at hand

Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band

Hades: Mm-hmm, good, good.

Atropos:

Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall,

And you, Hades, will rule all!

Hades: Yes! Hades rules!!!

Atropos:

A word of caution to this tale

Hades: Excuse me?

Atropos:

Should Hercules fight, you will fail

[Fates disappear, cackling]

Hades (burning into flame): What???

(cooling down): Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine

[bell dings]

Pain? Panic? Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?

Pain: I do not... know!

Panic: You can't. They're immortal?

Hades: Bingo! They're immortal

(he takes a vial with red liquid and camera zooms at it, filling the screen)

So, first you got to turn the little sunspot mortal.

{Mount Olympus, dusk. Baby Hercules and Baby Pegasus are sleeping together}

[Shadows of Pain and Panic crawl over Baby Hercules, sound of glass breaking,

and Pain and Panic tittering makes Zeus and Hera wake]

Zeus: Huh?

Hera: What? what is it?

Both: The Baby!

[They run to the cradle but find only the Baby Pegasus]

Hera: Hercules! Oh!

[she starts sobbing.]

Zeus: No!!!

[as he screams that, lightnings flash and giant thunderstorm rages over Olympus.

Pain and Panic are flying down, carrying Baby Hercules]

Panic: Now we did it! Zeus is gonna use us for target practice!

Pain: Just hang onto the kid, Panic.

[They fall and Baby Hercules starts crying]

Panic: Hurry! Let's just kill the kid and het it over with, okay?

Pain (opening the vial): Here you go, kid, a little grecian formula.

Panic: Look at that! He's.. changing

[Baby Hercules stops glowing as he drinks the potion]

Can we do it now?

Pain: No, no, no, he has to drink the whole potion! Every last drop.

Amphitryon: Who's there?

[Pain and Panic run away, dropping the empty vial. It breaks and one

last drop falls into the ground]

Alcmene, over here.

Alcmene: Oh, you poor thing! Oh, don't cry

Amphitryon: Is anybody there?

[Pain and Panic look from bushes]

Panic: Now?

Pain: Now.

[Their shadows are shown as they walk and transform into snakes]

Amphitryon: Oh well, he must have been abandoned.

Alcmene: Amphitryon, for so many years we've prayed to the gods to bless us

with a child.

[Amphitryon reads Hercules' name from a medallion on his neck]

Perhaps they've answered our prayers

Amphitryion: Perhaps they have... Hercules?

[Pain and Panic, as snakes, attack, but Baby Hercules catches them, and

giggling happily, hits them several times against the ground, ties into a knot

and throws far away. Amphitryon and Alcmene stare with they jaws dropped]

Pain and Panic: Help, help, help!

[they turn to their normal forms]

Panic: Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened.

Pain: You mean, *if* he finds out

Pani: Of course he's gonna f-- If.. if is good.

{pan to Mount Olympus in dark clouds and then resolve to the Muses}

Muse 2: It was tragic. Zeus led all the gods on a frantic search

Muse 5: But by the time they found the baby, it was too late.

Muse 2 starts singing:

Young Herc was mortal now

But since he did not drink the last drop -- mm

He still retained his godlike strength -- oh

So thank his lucky stars -- tell it, girl

But Zeus and Hera wept -- ooh, ooh, ooh

Because their son could never come home -- ooh

They'd have to watch their precious baby

Grow up from afar

Though Hades' horrid plan