HERCULES

Phil: Rule #6: When rescuing a damsel, always handle with care

[Hercules falls into water]

No!

Phil: Rule #95, kid: Concentrate!

Rule #96: Aim!

(singing:)

Demigods have faced the odds and ended up a mockery

Don't believe in the stories that you read on all the crockery

To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art

Like painting a masterpiece it's a work of heart

It takes more then sinew

Comes down to what's in you

You have to continue

To grow!

[Hercules became adult now]

Phil: Now that's more like it!

(singing:)

I'm down to one last shot and my last high note

Before that blasted underworld gets my goat

My dreams are on you, kid

Go make 'em come true

Climb that uphill slope

Keep pushing that envelope

You're my one last hope

And, kids, it's up to you

Yeah!

Hercules: Did you see that? Next stop, Olympus.

Phil: All right, just take it easy, champ.

Hercules: I am ready, I want to get off this island. I want to see battles and

monsters! Rescue some damsels.. You know, heroic stuff.

Phil: Well--

Hercules: Aw, come on, Phil!

Phil: Well, okay, okay. You want a road test? Saddle up, kid. We're going

to Thebes!

Hercules: Yahoo!

[now flying on Pegasus]

So, what's in Thebes?

Phil: A lot of problems. It's a big tough town, good place to start building

a rep.

[they hear a woman screaming]

Sounds like your basic D.I.D. - Damsel In Distress.

Hercules: Hyah!

[They land and see Megara chased by a monster centaur]

Nessus: Not so fast, sweetheart

Megara: I swear, Nessus. Put me down or I'll--

Nessus: Whoo! I like 'em fiery!

[in the bushes Hercules gets angry, while Phil instructs..]

Phil: Now remember, kid. First, analyze the situation. Don't just barrel in

there without thinking. Eh?

[Hercules already walks to Nessus and Megara]

He's losin' points for this!

Megara: You don't know what you're--

Hercules: Halt!

Nessus: Step aside, two legs.

Hercules: Pardon me, my good, uh, uh..... sir. I'll have to ask you to release

that young...

Megara: Keep movin', junior

Hercules: ...lady. But you-- are-aren't you a damsel in distress?

Megara: I am a damsel, I am in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.

Hercules: Uh-- *ahem* Ma'am, I'm afraid you may be too close to the situation

to realize--

[he takes his sword out and Nessus immidiately hits him so he flies away]

Phil: Ohhh! What are you doin'? Get your sword!

Hercules (searching in water): Sword. Right, right.. Rule #15: A hero is only

as good as his weapon!

[he picks up a fish and directs it at Nessus. Nessus laugh and Megara looks

bored. Nessus then hits Hercules with a fist and Hercules flies away again]

Phil groans and tells to Pegassus who rushes to help:

Whoa! Hold it! Hold on! He's gotta do it on his own.

Come on, kid! Concentrate! Use your head!

Hercules: Oh...

[He runs and hits Nessus with his head. Nessus flies away]

Phil: All right! Not bad, kid. Not exactly what I had in mind, but not bad.

[Megara gets from water and coughs]

Hercules: Oh, gee, Miss, I'm I'm really sorry.

Megara: Oh.

Hercules: That was dumb

Megara: Yeah.

[Nessus runs in again]

Hercules: Excuse me.

[He attacks Nessus, hits his head several times and throws him]

Phil: Nice work! Excellente!

Megara: Is wonderboy here for real?

Phil: What are you talking about? Of course he's real..

(notices Megara)

Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks, I am real too.

[Phil gets on Megara's lap, but she pushes him into water]

Megara: Ugh

[meanwhile, Hercules ride on Nessus]

Hercules: Yee-hah! Yahoo!

[He finishes Nessus in a spectacular fight]

How was that, Phil?

Phil: Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the

minor decathlons, but this is the big leagues!

Hercules sighes: At least I beat him. Didn't I?

Phil: Next time don't let your guard down because of a pair of big goo-goo

eyes! D-oh! It's like I keep tellin' ya. You gotta stay focused, and

you--

[Hercules walks up to Megara]

Hercules: Are you, uh, all right, Miss, uh--

Megara: Megara. My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any

friends. So, did they give you a name along with all those rippling

pectorials?

Hercules: Uh, I'm, um, uh--

Megara: Are you always that articulate?

[she turns to leave]

Hercules: Hercules. my-- *ahem* My name is Hercules.

Megara: Hercules, huh? I think I prefer wonderboy.

Hercules: So, uh, how-how-how'd you get mixed up with the, uh--

Megara: Pinhead with hooves? Well, you know how men are. They think that "no"

means "yes" and "get lost" means "take me, I'm yours". Don't worry,

Shorty here can explain it to ya later.

[Phil growls]

Well, thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice.

Hercules: Wait! Um.. can we give you a ride?

[Pegasus snorts, whinnies, and jumps to a high branch]

Megara: Uh, I don't think your Pinto likes me very much

Hercules: Pegasus? Oh, no, don't be silly. He'd be more than happy to-- ow!

[Pegasus drops an apple on Hercules' head]

Megara: I'll be all right. I'm a big, tough girl. I tie my own sandals and

everything. Bye-bye Wonderboy.

Hercules: Bye... She's something, isn't she, Phil?

Phil: Yeah, oh yeah, she's really something. A real pain in the patella!

Earth to Herc! Come in Herc! Come in Herc! We got a job to do,

remember? Thebes is still waitin'.

Hercules: Yeah. Yeah. I know.

[Megara walks into the forest and comes upon a rabbit and a small gopher]

Megara: Aw.. how cute. A couple of rodents looking for a theme park.

Pain (as a bunny): Who you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny!

Panic (as a gopher): A-and I'm his gopher.

Together: Ta-dah!

[they turn into themselves]

Megara sighes: I thought I smelled a rat.

Hades: Meg.

Megara: Speak of the devil.