House on Haunted Hill

     And then, simultaneously, we hear the same beep-beep-beep
     from the three cellular phones and see the same flashing
     message on their LED screens: "No Service - No Service - No
     Service."

                           PRICE
                Must be those plates -- interfering
                with the signal somehow.

                           PRITCHETT
                Not the plates: the House. Why is no one
                listening to me?? It's alive!  And once
                it's made up its mind, it won't let
                anything out.

                           EDDIE
                So, what? You're saying we're stuck
                here the rest of our lives?

                           PRITCHETT
                A cleaning crew's supposed to arrive
                at 9:30 tomorrow morning -- I think
                the power of the house fades at dawn.

                           EDDIE
                 -- well, let's hear it for small
                miracles --

                           PRITCHETT
                 -- but I imagine we'll all be mutilated
                beyond recognition by then.

                           MELISSA
                Goodbye, bad times -- hello, Prime Time!

     She starts shooting tape again -- everything and everybody.

                           SARA
                There is something seriously screwed-up
                going on here, and I don't believe it's
                about ghosts --

                           WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
                 -- oh, it sure ain't, sweetheart.

     Heads turn: walking slow, smug and regal down the great
     staircase into the foyer is EVELYN STOCKARD-PRICE, her coat
     discarded, her neckline loosened -- she realizes she's here
     for the night.

                           EVELYN
                Take a bow, Steven, you've outdone
                yourself tonight -- scared holy hell
                out of even me.

                           BLACKBURN
                If that's the fact, Price, okay, you've
                had your fun -- now open the goddamn --

                           PRICE
                 -- asking the wrong guy -- wasn't me
                who closed it.

                           EVELYN
                Sure it wasn't. Hey, anybody else here
                make their living with thrills'n'chills
                for the kiddies? Don't raise your hands
                all at once.

                           PRICE
                Huh. And here I had a completely
                different theory.

                           EVELYN
                Really? Well, let it rip.

                           PRICE
                Oh, no-no-no -- much more bang for
                everyone's buck to nail the bitch --

                           EVELYN
                 -- the sadistic prick --

                           PRICE
                 -- in the act.

                           SARA
                Uh, excuse me? Don't think I'm not
                having the time of my life watching
                this train wreck that's your marriage --
                but this isn't what I had in mind... I
                want to know that we can get out of here
                if we need to.

                           PRITCHETT
                Believe me, we need to.

                           SARA
                Pritchett, this "lockdown" thing --
                it's gotta have like a master control
                -- you know machinery, gears, whatever --
                somewhere in this place?

                           PRITCHETT
                The basement -- but, believe me,
                you don't want to go down there.

                           SARA
                No, you don't want to go down there. I
                am going down there. And I'm going to
                find reverse on this thing and floor it.

                           PRITCHETT
                You'll never find it, it's a maze down
                there.

                           SARA
                Well, that leaves you with two options
                then, doesn't it: either show me where
                and maybe we get out of here -- or it's
                spend-the-night-sleep-tight.

     Pritchett leaps to his feet.

                           PRITCHETT
                It's actually very easy when you
                know the way.

                           EVELYN
                A word of advice, honey? God knows what
                kind of freak-outs Steven's got set to
                spring in this place. If I were you, I'd
                bring something to protect yourself
                with. Baby, don't you think now's the
                time to I break out your "party favors?"

     Price suddenly looks uneasy.

                           PRICE
                What are you talking about?

                           EVELYN
                Must be getting old, Stevie -- you're
                repeating yourself -- this is the exact
                same set-up you used for the Son-Of-Sam
                Hunt back in '94.
                     (to Sara)
                Girlie, open up that casket there
                and see what you find.

     Sara glares at her, but does as she's told: goes to the large
     ebony casket that supports Evelyn's BIRTHDAY CAKE. Sara looks
     back at Evelyn suspiciously... then sets the cake aside and
     lifts the lid.

     Inside that, seemingly free floating in space, are SIX MINI-
     COFFINS -- no more than eight inches long, their doors
     likewise propped open, revealing inside each a gleaming new
     GLOCK 9mm AUTOMATIC. Each pistol black gunmetal in color, of
     course.

                           EVELYN
                Ooooh, nice: firearms this time.

                           MELISSA
                The warped factor here just gets
                bigger and bigger.

                           EVELYN
                Steven's sense of humor just makes you
                want to bust a gut, don't it?

                           SARA
                I'm in stitches.

     Sara takes one of the guns and attempts to eject the
     magazine. Nothing happens. She looks:

                           SARA
                The clip's been welded shut.

                           EVELYN
                On all of them, probably.

     Evelyn takes one of the pistols and points it at her husband.

                           EVELYN
                So how's a girl to know if these
                things are loaded, baby?

                           PRICE
                Only one way I can think of, Sweetheart.

     Tense beat, ala Eastwood and Hackman staring each other down
     at the end of "Unforgiven." Then Evelyn lowers the gun.

                           EVELYN
                No. I think we'll let the young
                lady have first crack.

                           SARA
                I don't want a gun, I just want
                out. Let's go, for God's sake.

                           PRICE
                I'll meet you down there.

                           EDDIE
                     (to Sara)
                Take the gun.

     Sara takes the pistol from Evelyn, and Pritchett
     unenthusiastically beckons Eddie and Sara towards a hallway
     leading to the basement. Price trots towards another door off
     the Salon.

                           EVELYN
                And where are we off to, Mr. Price?
                Check the wiring on the animatronic
                Mummies?

                           PRICE
                A simple leak, if it's okay with you.

     And he disappears down the hall. Melissa Marr jams a
     cigarette in her mouth.

                           MELISSA
                Wow...

     She flicks her lighter, sparking a flame to life --

                                                          SMASH TO:

     INT. BASEMENT STAIRWAY - JUST AFTER

      -- a flurry of crackling SPARKS showers Watson Pritchett as
     he twists the '20's vintage knob light switch. He leaps back
     with a frightened yelp.

     We see a brief BURST OF LIGHT from the ancient sconces on the
     walls, revealing a series of moldy, cobwebbed and rubble-
     strewn basement gallery, and a series of five glass cases
     filled with the mummified remains of human bodies... One very
     odd human figure rides upon a mummified horse.

     INT. BASEMENT GALLERY

     An odd multi-walled gallery from which five corridors lead
     out, extending like the spokes of a wagon wheel --

      -- and then every LIGHT down there SHORTS OUT with one loud
     SIZZLING POP! Total darkness. Beat.

                           PRITCHETT'S VOICE
                Y'know, this'd actually be funny -- if I
                didn't know for a fact I'd be pleading
                for a quick, painless death in the next
                few seconds.

                           SARA'S VOICE
                Could somebody please just gag him
                or something?

     Sara reaches into her bag and pulls out the flashlight
     Pritchett gave her earlier.

                           EDDIE
                You're a handy little thing to have
                around.

     Suddenly, a terrible cracking sound is heard above Sara's
     head. She aims her light at the large beam overhead. Just
     then, the beam gives way. Eddie pulls her away just in
     time.

                           SARA
                And you're not really as large and
                useless as you seem.

                           EDDIE
                I'm better than that.

                           SARA
                Don't push it.

     She thrusts the flashlight into Pritchett's hand.

                           SARA
                Now take us where this damn thing's at.

     INT. SMALL GRIMY ROOM - SIMULTANEOUS

     Price bursts through a hinged panel and whisper-shouts to
     Schechter behind the computer/video console.

                           PRICE
                 -- hey! Next time give me a couple
                seconds notice before you wing a gag
                like that!

                           SCHECTER
                The lockdown thing.

                           PRICE
                I mean, not that it didn't give Evelyn
                the kind of coronary I had in mind,
                just...

                           SCHECTER
                 -- it wasn't me.

                           PRICE
                Rewind that.

                           SCHECTER
                I was just sitting here -- it happened.
                I had nothing to do with it.

                           PRICE
                Then who did??

                           SCHECTER
                No idea. I didn't even know the damn
                thing still worked!