HUDSON HAWK

     Hawk takes in some views of Moscow that remind one of
     Budapest.

                             HAWK
               Shwoof, that makes me feel better.
               I can't believe this is the Iron
               Curtain.  All the guy at Airport
               customs wanted to know was "Who
               Shot J.R.?"

                             ALEX
               You sound disappointed.

                             HAWK
               Yeah, I mean, come on, going
               through the Iron Curtain is
               supposed to be crawling
               underneath barbed wire, it's
               supposed to be strangling a
               guard...

     THE VAN

     passes a textbook shot of the Kremlin in the distance.

                             HAWK (V.O.)
               It's supposed to be parachuting
               in the moonlight....

     EXT. THE TOP OF THE KREMLIN--NIGHT

     Kaplan, Snickers, Almond Joy, and Butterfinger slam down
     upon the roof of the Kremlin and discard their
     parachutes.

     Snickers opens up his computer screen, upon which is the
     image-map of the Kremlin with a flashing blue light at
     the top of the building and a flashing green one inside.

                             SNICKERS
               We are the blue light.  The green
               light is where the Art Treasures
               room is.

                             KAPLAN
               Let's go make a purple light.
               Where's Kit Kat?

     EXT. THE KREMLIN GROUNDS

     Dressed in cat burglar black and all chewing gum, Hawk,
     Alex, and Anna crawl across the Kremlin grounds.  They
     scope out a shabby Delivery Entrance.

                             ALEX
               Delivery Entrance.  Low Security.

                             ANNA
               Gum.

     All three spit out their gum into Hawk's bag.

                             HAWK
               Count of three?

                             ALEX
               Why not just go now?

                             HAWK
               Okay.

     The Trio rush for the door.

     THE KREMLIN ROOF

     SOVIET GUARD ONE comes out on the roof to light a cig-
     arette.  He looks in the distance to the motivating CIA
     team.  Suddenly a card floats down into his hand.

     It reads:   WILLIAM TELL.  ADAM'S APPLE.  GET IT?

     The not-getting-it Guard looks up from the card as a
     grinning Kit Kat parachutes behind him.  The Guard
     swerves around and Kit Kat savagely skewers him with a
     crossbow shot to his Adam's apple.

     THE DELIVERY ENTRANCE

     Hawk, Anna, and Alex race to the door, the latter
     bashes it...

     INT. GRUNGY WHITE FOYER

     open and sets off an annoying hammer-against-bell alarm.
     Alex all-fours beneath the alarm.  Hawk does a Michael
     Jordan vault off Alex's back and slam dunks A MASSIVE
     BALL OF USED-GUM, pulled from his bag, between the
     hammer and the bell, cutting off the sound.  They rush
     ahead.

     EXT. THE KREMLIN ROOF

     The agents are trotting across the roof when a phone on
     Snickers' apparatus rings.  Kaplan answers it.

                             KAPLAN
               Everything's going fine, Minerva,
               thanks for asking...

     INT. NONDESCRIPT HALLWAY

     Minerva chats on a cellular moving down a hallway, with
     Darwin, who is holding in his laughter as if this was a
     great crank.

                             MINERVA
               I say who needs this Hudson Hawk
               anyway....

     INT. A GRAND BALLROOM

     The good guys scurry upon the second level of an epic
     and gorgeous ballroom.  Two lush staircases lead up from
     the floor.  From behind a pillar, the gang checks out
     the activity below.

     A tablecloth is being wrangled over a large table at
     the opposite end of the ballroom by SERVANTS.  Threaten-
     ing SOVIET SOLDIERS maneuver on the floor.

                             HAWK
                       (Wizard of Oz)
               Oh-Eee-Oh-A-Whoa-Oh.

     They then make a mad scuffle across their side of the
     second level, hunkering down by the level railing.

     As they move into another wing hallway, the viewer's
     viewpoint moves back down to the ballroom floor to see
     a gloating DARWIN AND MINERVA ENTER, the latter still
     on the phone.

                             MINERVA
               Everybody here, in Rome, wishes
               you tinsel boxes of love...

     The servants move away from the tablecloth and the
     table, revealing that it is shaped like an M.  A GROUP
     OF SERIOUS SOVIET V.I.P.'s come out to join the
     Mayflowers at the table.

     THE ROOF

     Kaplan hangs up the phone.

                             KAPLAN
               Lazy, rich, condescending bitch.

     The team moves up to the rooftop doorway where Kit Kat
     is.  He holds up an "About Time" card.  The agents laugh
     and greet them.

     INT. A VERY LONG, ENIGMATIC HALLWAY

     Hawk, Alex, and Anna pass through a set of windowed
     double doors into a very long hallway that leads into a
     pitch darkness.  A MURAL OF A HAPPY, ARM-STRETCHED LENIN
     looms above the doors.  They give it a a quick glance
     before pulling out screwdrivers and wire hangers.

                             ALEX
               Eighth room down, babe...

                             ANNA
               Guards come exactly every three
               minutes....

                             HAWK
               Three.  Oh.  Oh.  "Side by Side."

     Our trio charges down the hallway.

                             HAWK
               "Oh, we ain't got a barrel of
               money.

                             ALEX
               "Maybe we're ragged and funny."

     They reach a MASSIVE SPOOKY DOOR WITH AN ODD, ANCIENT
     LOCK.  They go to work on it.  Not losing the beat.

                             HAWK AND ALEX
               "But we'll travel along, singing
               a song.  Side by Side..."

     INT. TOP FLOOR HALLWAY

     With a gust of wind, Kaplan and the Candy Bars bluster
     through the rooftop door into another hallway, where
     SOVIET GUARDS TWO AND THREE are taking it easy.

                             KAPLAN
               Create a diversion.

     Snickers and Butterfinger calmly blow away both guards
     with silenced mini-Uzis.

     SOVIET GUARD FOUR rushes out a door before the agents,
     zipping up his fly.  Almond Joy twists his neck with an
     agonizing SNAP.

     THE LONG HALLWAY

     Hawk, Anna, and Alex retreat beneath the Lenin mural
     through the windowed double doors.

     Behind the doors, they poke up to see a BESPECTACLED
     GUARD emerge from the darkness to check out the door.

                             ALEX
               Now that's a lock.

                             HAWK
               Don't worry, we'll get it...

                             ANNA
               Can I sing this time, too?
               Please?

     Hawk and Alex are not thrilled about the idea, but Anna's
     eye flutter does it.

                             HAWK
               Uh, I guess so.

     The Bespectacled Guard moves back into the darkness.

     THE BALLROOM

     The Soviet V.I.P.'s open up presents of pink L.A. GEAR
     tennis shoes, silly T-shirts, and Nintendo joysticks
     as a standing Darwin hypnotizes them.

                             DARWIN
               I look at you Soviet people and I
               feel... pity... superiority.  Most
               of your life, your government has
               told you that Capitalism turns
               people into robots who'd rather
               eat microwave sushi, naked in the
               back of a Cadillac than hear the
               laughter of children.

                             MINERVA
                       (smiling)
               We're here to say, your government
               was right.

                             DARWIN
               So let's get busy.  Have some fun
               and make some deals.

     AT THE LOCK

     Alex holds a lit match into the lock, while Hawk
     does something incomprehensible with a screwdriver.
     They are improvising...

                             HAWK
               "Oh this lock is a pain in the bu-utt"

                             ALEX
               "How'd we ever get such in a ru-utt"

     Anna suddenly, booms out the chorus in a way that Hawk and
     Alex can barely concentrate.

                             ANNA
               "But we'll travel the road, Sharing
               the load.  Side by Side!"

     THE HALLWAY ABOVE

     The CIA team saunters through corpses up to a door
     similar in lock and design to the one Hawk and Alex
     are working on.

     Snickers's computer screen shows the blue light directly
     above the green light.

                             SNICKERS
               This is the room above the Art
               Treasures room.  The lock is a
               Natalya Z-Z, first created...

                             ALMOND JOY
               Snickers, baby, I love you like a
               brother, but really, who cares?
               Silencer bomb...

     Butterfinger pulls from around his shoulder a strange
     rifle.  He attaches to the front of it;, a glass encased,
     suctioning time-bomb from a waist satchel.  He fires
     the bomb against the door and it starts ticking.

     BEHIND THE WINDOWED DOUBLE DOORS

     come Hawk, Alex, and Anna, panting.

                             HAWK
               That was close....

                             ALEX
               Anna, I think you better stay....

                             HAWK
               You can be lookout!.....  Take
               Alex's gun.

     Alex hands Anna his gun, who glumly takes it like a Little
     Sister not allowed to play.  Hawk and Alex go back through
     the doors.

     THE HALLWAY ABOVE

     The CIA bomb blows up the door with a weird silencer
     sound.  Kaplan and the Candy Bars giddily whoop as they
     rush through the smoking door.

     THE BALLROOM--SECOND LEVEL

     Anna meanders across the second level muttering to herself
     in Italian and amusingly imitating Hawk's condescension.

                             ANNA
               "You can be the lookout."

     Anna suddenly moves past the pillar to see the Mayflowers
     and the V.I.P.S.  She gasps and hurls herself behind the
     second level railing.

     THE BALLROOM FLOOR

     A VERY DIGNIFIED SOVIET LEADER, in a SHIT HAPPENS baseball
     cap, addresses Darwin.

                             SOVIET LEADER
               Before we serve you "the main course,"
               hee, hee, we need to know specifics
               about what you can do for us.  We--

                             DARWIN
               Bluntness.  How amusingly Hungarian.
               Listen up, for reasons I don't want
               to get into, I recently had to close
               down a petroleum factory, but I'm
               going to re-build it here and
               Madonna's going to cut the ribbon!
               Frozen burritos in Leningrad.  1982
               fantasy.  1992 reality.

     THE LOCK OUTSIDE THE DOOR

     Hawk and Alex more frantically toil on the lock.

                             HAWK
               "We all had our quarrels and
               parted..."

                             ALEX
               "But we'll be the same as we started...

     The lock clunks open.  They race through the doors into...

     INT. THE ART TREASURE ROOM

     Hawk and Alex weave through the room which is crammed,
     with little nuance, to the gills with great art treasures
     including an impressive array of Faberge eggs.  A solid
     gold hammer and sickle hang on one wall...

                             HAWK AND ALEX
               "Just traveling along, singing a
               song.  Side--"

                             HAWK
               Geez, this place is a mess...

                             ALEX
               Voila...

     They rumble toward an opening in the wall of the room
     covered by a small curtain that has the Da Vinci Man in
     the Circle drawing emblazoned across it.  Hawk reaches
     for the curtain.  Alex puts his arm around him and speaks,
     not sings.

                             ALEX
               Side by side, man...

     Suddenly, the roof above them explodes.  Kaplan and the
     Candy Bars drop down behind them.

                             ALMOND JOY
               What the hell....

                             SNICKERS
               You're supposed to be dead!

                             ALEX
               I'm a ghost.  Boo.

                             HAWK
               I don't want to sound immature,
               but we were here first...

                             KAPLAN
               I wish I could think of those cute
               quips the way you can, Hawk, but
               I can't, so I'll just shoot Alex.